After some close calls with Haggard's group, I came upon a village. Figuring that I could use some rest, I went to find the inn. As I was doing so, one of the locals came in front of me and said "Leave this village, outsiders are not welcome here!"

"Why?" I asked

"Today is the day of the...just get out!"

So I left wondering "What's eating his grapes?"

Later that night I came back figuring something's up, remember that hick said "Today is the day of the...". Ever notice that something like this occurs in movies, novels, and television shows always happens at night. After sneaking into the village, I saw dozens of people gathered right in front of a large lotto thingy.

A lot was drawn and at this point, the name is ready to be announced...

"Tina Jones!"

Then the crowd circles around a blonde woman who was yelling "HOORAY! I"M GONNA GET STONED FOR THE HARVEST!"

Then everyone proceeds to stone her to death...and I didn't do anything about it because she's that stupid.

Then one dude spotted me and said "Wait a minute...OUTSIDER!"

After stoning a dumb blond chick to death, the crowd proceeds to gang up on me and I ran to safety as they're pelting me with rocks. I waited for few hours until the whole thing finally blows over before sneaking back into the village. Seeing how barbaric those villagers are, I decided that they deserved to be punished. Honestly who stone people as a sacrifice for good harvest in modern times? Ever heard of fertilizer?

I found a bulldozer parked just outside of the village, seeing there's a construction area nearby...guess it kinda make sense. I hot wired the vehicle and proceed to take it out for a spin all over the village. First I mow down a school, then next I took down a library, and then a building which may have been an inn.

"That's for not letting me stay for the night assholes!" I yelled

Soon the villagers storm out of their homes running like maniacs as I continue my rampage. The finally I destroy that lotto thingy, but I didn't stop here!

"SOMEBODY STOP HIM!"

"HELP!!!"

"MANIAC ON THE LOOSE!"

I took down a small market place which seemed to be empty, if their sacrifice goes well then I'm sure they won't mind (sarcasm).

It was fun while it lasted, but the bulldozer ran out of fuel and I got off as the mob swarm towards me.

"Listen here village idiots! Pull that lotto-crap again I will return to wreak havoc once again!" I yelled

"You gonna pay for that!" a farmer yelled as he points a shot gun at my direction

I took out a pistol and shoots him in the leg

"Don't do this again" I said

Soon I left the village as the police arrives...

Next morning I picked up a newspaper "Idaho Press Tribune" and there's an article reads "Stupid asshole ransacked a village!"

Well whoever that asshole is, I hope they'll catch him. To make it worse he used a bulldozer like I did as well...whoa boy.

Also there's a crackdown on the lotto-killing as well, finally it's over. It's been a long week, I'll rest few few days before moving on to another city.

"How dare you flaunting your 2009 World Series Championship cap?" he yelled

"It's a cap, it's supposed to be worn" I said

"Stop attacking us with logic!"

"Yet when you guys trolled the Yankees message board, spam up the NY newspapers opinion sections, and brag about 'choke job' by acting like it was never done before but never mind the fact that it's been done in hockey twice including once in the Stanley Cup finals, it's okay while me wearing a cap isn't?"

"Look, the point is that you're wearing a Yankee cap and we Red Sox fans are offended by it"

"Why are you the only speaking? Also what is up with that bad British accent?"

"That's it, release the hounds!"

The Red Sux fans let go the leashes and send dogs after me.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?" I screamed

I ran like hell and did so for several blocks until I hid at the gas station. What are Red Fux fans doing in Utah?

I hid behind the counter until the dogs left after being confused, good thing it's not a automated door although they probably wouldn't have made it in anyway.

"That was close"

I got outside and start hunting down those Red Cox fans. In few minutes I quickly ran into one...

"There you are!"

I proceed to beat the crap out of him.

"He's over here, get him!" he yelled

His friends came with baseball bats, I have a gun but that'll be too easy, also I'm not a murderer. Using my martial skills I learned from watching old Jackie Chan films, come to think of it...the entire fight resembles a scene from "Police Story". After defeating those crazy Blosux fans, I went to look for more who were after me at that point.

Then suddenly, some idiot with a Blochunks cap jump right in front of me and said "You may have beaten three of us, there's still four more you beanie!"

"Beanie? Really?" I said

"My parents never loved me okay? Throughout my childhood the beanie babies were my only friends because everyone picked on me, that's why I became a Red Sox fan."

"Um...what?"

"Forget it, I'll just kick the crap out of you so I can feel superior for once since 2007..."

"Until the Patriot's imperfection"

"STOP! BAD MEMORIES!!!"

I stopped his whining by kicking him into a tree, don't worry he'll be okay...I think. Then I made my way into a park where I started to hear some banjo playing...

"Where are you? WHERE ARE YOU?"

Freaked out I started to go insane and start running around but no matter where I go, I kept hearing banjo playing. I kept running until I accidentally ran right into the street...

By that time, the banjo stopped.

"What happened?" I said

Then a car stopped and a driver said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? GET OFF THE ROAD!"

I got off the street and left when couple of idiots came.

"This isn't over" one said

The other holding a banjo said "Derrr"

I facepalmed.

The retarded Blocox fans tries to attack me but with same result as before. Afterward I pick up that banjo and went to a local pawn shop. That's thing's pretty cheap, just twenty dollars, seriously? I got freaked out by that cheap instrument?

Anyway I went to McDonald's and asked them if the green glass is available.

"Sorry, we're all out...come to think of it we haven't restocked since last week"

I left without a word, haven't been this mad since the Giants/Eagles game.

Then soon I was confronted by the last Trollsux fan as his friends were too injured to fight.

"You asshole, you may have beaten my friends but I'm different, I'll show you!"

He begins to charge at me, but I took off a cellophane Yankee logo from my cap and threw it at him. The logo grew to a size of a wallpaper and covered the Trollcox fan, knocking him to the ground before it finally dissolves.

"What was that?" he said

"That's the point jerk so take that!" I said

"You ripped that one off from Family Guy and Superman 2 didn't you?"

"Yeah, but it slowed you down didn't it?"

"Indeed it did, I'll just go and forget the whole thing, promise you won't tell anyone about this"

"Alright, as long you won't attack me again"

"Deal"

After that we parted in good terms.

On my way back to the motel I encounter group of dogs from before. They were growling and drooling with saliva.

"Oh hell"

Then Carl Pavano came out of nowhere and said "Looks like it's a job for...Fragi-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Yes the idiot got mauled by dogs.

"Nice going, some help you are" I said just moments before I got mauled as well...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!"

I'm in Salt Lake City right now and seeing that cellardoor6 is a mormon, I kinda expected to see him there despite him being with the military. Anyway I went to a hardware store where I remember EagleRock mentioned few years ago about an NG member owning the place (who would've thought? But then again A-Rod finally won a World Series ring and many didn't think that would happen until last month). Anyway I went there hoping that it's true so that I can get something that can help me out on my way back to NG HQ in Philly before Haggard's group arrest me for no logical reason other than the fact that Bahamut's a douchebag.

I went to the hardware store and was about to say the password used by the EGB. But unfortunately I remember I wasn't paying attention when I first join the barracks so...

"Um...got any codec in here?" I said

"What the hell are you talking about?" the dude said

"C'mon, I'm sure you have one around the back right?"

"Someone's been playing Metal Gear one too many times"

"C'mon, don't screw me over"

"Sorry, that's how it is"

Then I remember, "Eye of the Tiger!"

Then he stops and said "Meet me at the warehouse at five"

"Okay, idiot!"

"Don't push it"

So sometime later at the warehouse, he came back with a codec and said "This thing requires AAA batteries so..."

I took it and said "Kthanxbye"

"Wait, want to hear of a time when I was once rescued by a magical gi-"

I covered my ears yelling "LALALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALA..."

"But it's awesome!"

"Don't care"

"I heard she's Nano-"

"One one cares!"

Seriously he was in Japan at that time apparently and the place is filled with magical girls. Anyone will have an encounter sooner or later.

Anyway after leaving I try out the codec to see if it works. It did and then EagleRock appears on the screen.

"What the fuck are you doing? Can't you see I'm eating?" he said

"I need some help here, Bahamut send some people after me"

"Don't go to the HQ, trust me, ever since Wade left for vacation they beefed up the security"

"And?"

"Bahamut lied to some of the higher ups about you being a DD member"

"WHAT?!"

"Many of us didn't buy that crap but they just couldn't take any chances and I have no idea what you have done to piss Bahamut off but to go back you should go into one of the bases in New York City. It'll have the same effect if you made it back to the HQ"

"Hope you're not screwing me over, how can I trust you? You could be in cahoots with Bahamut for all I know"

"You're still a member of the barracks, we're not going to sell you out, just be careful out there"

"Alright, thanks I guess"

Then the transmission ends.

Then after making my way back to the hotel, I turn on the television to watch some news...

...the city was leveled due to a street-fight between two faggots when one of them was reportedly to have been yelling "I want my dick back!". Officials have no further informations as of now, we have no idea why we're reporting this but that's news for you. Coming up next, a man claimed to have an affair with Tiger Woods, more details after the break...

"Wait a minute...I recognize one of those faggots..."

Dickneck!

But who's the other guy?

Could it be the turnip dude dickneck was talking about back in New Zealand?

Also, WTF Tiger!

"Prepare fro trouble!"

"Make it double!"

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation!"

"Lonic!"

"Snaw!"

"Duck Division, blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"

Then a duck jumps in front...

"AFLAC! That's right!"

After some awkward silence, I said "Shouldn't it be 'for' instead of 'fro'?"

"Shut up!" said Snaw

"It's none of your business!" Lonic snapped

"AFLAC!" the duck quacked

Then suddenly...

"HEY YOU TWO! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE? THE BREAK'S OVER!" the McDonald's manager yells as he came out of the restaurant

The two DD members quickly ran back into the restaurant saying "Sorry!"

The duck flew away saying 'AFLAC!"

Anyway, I'm on my way out of Nevada and it's safe to say I won't be seeing those two losers anytime soon. But first thing's first, from the motel computer I tracked down that asswipe who have been uno-bombing my song parodies for couple of years now. No idea who it is but his Amiright user name happens to be "?".

"Okay, time to find...never mind!"

I decide to drop Solid Snake's persona because it's getting ridiculous. With that said, I start looking for what's-his-face. I came upon a remote desert area, after walking further there's a hatch covered with dried grass. I clear the grass away and proceed to open the hatch, there's a ladder that goes down about a mile long.

"Oh boy"

I took a deep breath and begin to start climbing down. After spending about twenty minutes climbing down to what seemed to be a bottomless pit...

"Finally, a ground!"

I turn on the light and found a guard sleeping, I took a band of grenades and ammos from him along with M-16. Then I turn off the light and proceed to start sneaking through the corridor with flickering dim lights. There I saw several more guards, I waited until they look away from my direction and I snuck right past them.

"Hey did you hear that?"

I frozed...

"Yeah, must have been the wind"

"Yup, definitely the sound that wind makes"

I went on and found several rooms, I waltz into one and found a prisoner tied up. I untie the dude and he said "That was close, I swear that guy's crazy!"

"Who?" I said

"Static!"

"Who?"

"He was a parody lyricist on some website...until he..."

"Got banned by ChuckyG the web administrator"

"How'd you..."

"I was there when it happened, that faggot used to litter Amright with mediocre parodies and his pro-Red Sux crap"

"Who are you?"

"No time, get out if you can, I'll deal with that prick!"

I know Static is a douche but I never thought he would go and troll on my parodies, what's his problem?

Anyway, I decide to pick up Snake's persona because it's fitting and I have a feeling Static my now be "?", could be his dragon (look up tv trope).

"Just make sure the guards look away and sneak past them" I said

"Alright, best of luck!" he saluted

I saluted back and made my way to another room where I found a ration. Having nothing to eat since yesterday when I ordered MickyD's extra value meal to get a glass (only to learn they're all out of green and yellow ones, just blue and purple which I already have), I ate the ration. Frankly it taste awful but what can you do?

Then I made my way to another room and found another hostage. I untied him and he said "That was close, be careful, the leader of this fortress is planning something huge"

"I have a bad feeling about this"

"I heard him saying something about revenge on ChuckyG and so on"

Then i remember something, Static wasn't banned...he dropped off into obscurity! The person banned was Fitu Petaia!

"It was Fitu Petaia!"

"Huh?"

"I remember, it made sense, that guy have been trashing my parodies for some time before his banishment, Static's just happens to be his dupe!"

"That means..."

Then that person I rescued earlier shows up pointing M-16 at us.

"I hate it when people like you stick their noses in, now prepare to die!"

We jumped out of the way and I shot him. Then I took his wallet from his body and found $20 along with couple of pre-1965 quarters I have been spending my life looking for.

"You won't be needing these!" I said before throwing an empty wallet right back at him

Then I point the gun at the dude with me as well "Should I trust you?"

"But..."

"Answer the question, the guy I saved tried to kill me so what makes you think I should trust you!"

"I swear I didn't know that guy, I didn't have weapons with me"

"There's one way to find out"

I knocked him out

"The noise came from over there!"

The guards heard the gunshots...

"Over there!" one of the yelled

I jumped out and gunned them down, but then it suddenly jammed...

"No wonder why the U.S. lost Vietnam" I said

M-16 sucked!

The dude I knocked out eventually regain consciousness and said "What do you do that for?"

"I may regret this, the guards are dead so head to the exit!"

"Okay, I'll get some help, just hang in there!"

Then he ran off to the exit...

After taking extra bucks from the dead guards, I start heading toward the where the leader is.

"OKAY! Time to kick Static or Fitu's ass!"

I enter the room and there's a shadowy figure petting a white persian cat.

"I've been expecting you...Max Power!"

Then he puts his cat down and snaps his fingers, the entire room is lit up.

"So it's you, where's Fitu Petaia then?"

"He's away planning something big, it's awesome and will take down the Amiright community!"

"I'm not going to let you guys do that!"

"Try and stop me"

Then he takes out a can of Red Bull and gulped it down. Soon he starts running around like a maniac starts zipping all over the building, even through several halls!

"Try to catch me!"

I threw a grenade in his path and then he blew up.

"At least things couldn't get any worse" I said to myself

On my way out, I was confronted by several guards until...

"Get down! Don't move!"

The guards surrenders and then I realize the second hostage was telling the truth, the help have arrived!

He called his comrades and they came.

"What took you?" I said

"Give me a fucking break, the ladder's long as hell"

After we all got out of the secret underground lair, we sealed the entrance to ensure no one will enter again. After we part ways, I was on my way back to the motel when a small tremor occurred!

Then there's a giant tank with legs popped out of the desert area where it proceeds to leap away in great lengths. I stood there frozen and have no idea what the hell just happened...what the hell did I just saw?

Earlier today I decide to stop hiding and tell my friend the truth about what happened. After asking some users who responded to my thread asking for help, I realized I have to take responsibility so I did what I have to do. So with that, I went to his house and rang the doorbell but there's no answer at first so I rang it again. Finally he opens the door and his eyes are somewhat bloodshot, it looked as if he have been drinking for the past few days.

"You okay?" I said

"My kitty's gone..." he said quietly

"Look, what happen...I didn't mean it"

"What are you talking about?"

"I thought that it'll land on it's feet, I didn't mean to kill it"

Then there's brief silence...

"You mean it didn't jump out on it's own?"

"Um...what?"

"That explains it! I remember I kept the window closed! I thought I left it up by accident!"

"Are you alright?"

"Yes I'm okay, with gumdrops and..."

"Dude, take a rest okay? I'll buy you a new cat, I promise y-"

"NO! EVER SINCE MY SISTER CALLED ME A BAD GUY AND LEFT TO JOIN THOSE MAGICAL GIRLS, THAT CAT IS ALL I HAVE..."

"Calm down, remember, goosa-"

"I HATE THAT MOVIE ANGER MANAGEMENT!!!"

"Dude, I'm sorry okay? I'll just leave and..."

"No, it's okay, I shouldn't have been like that, you didn't mean it"

"So...it's okay?"

"Yeah, I have something awesome to show you, follow me"

So I did and he led me to the basement. You'll be surprised, it's huge!

"Whoa, long have you been spending down there?" I said

"Long enough, my sister saw me conducting experiment on her friend one time and turned her into a monster, frankly she have to kill her friend and ran off" he said

"What?"

"Just kidding" he said nervously

Then he gesture me to wait as he enters one of the several rooms after inserting his key card to open the door. But then...the exit out of the basement was sealed shut!

"You killed my kitty, I'll never forgive you!"

Then he comes out with a AK-47

"What the?"

I got out of the way right in time and saw how depraved my friend have become.

"You killed my kitty, you deserve to die!" he said

I quickly leaped over him before he could open fire and ran into one of the rooms that were open. I quickly hid under the bed and wait for the crazed maniac leave. Afterward he left and I found a key card under the bed.

"Okay! Time to find room R-5!" I said

I look around carefully to make sure no one's there and found room 'R-5'. I insert the key card and found a lighter inside.

"What the hell is it doing here?" I said to myself before discovering another key card

"Okay! Time to..."

"Oh there you are!"

"Oh crap!"

I got out of the way in time

"Close call" I said

I look at the key card, it's for room 'R-2'

"Okay! Time to find R-2!" I said while refraining myself from making a pun

I found the room and discover another key card...

"Again?"

After several minutes of cat-and-mouse game and opening several rooms with key cards, I finally came upon the final locked room.

"Don't let me down..."

I insert the final key card into room 'R-4' and opened the door slides open. I found a can of aerosol...

But then I got an idea!

I created a makeshift flamethrower by attaching the lighter to the top of the spray and tested it...blue flame shot out!

"Okay! Time to kill my so-called friend suffering from a mental breakdown!"

I really need to stop reading hiimdaisy's web comics...

After few minutes, that crazy bastard shows up and said "There you are! TIME TO MEET YOUR DOOM! MUHAHAHAHA!!!"

I took out a can and proceed to torch him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Soon he drops his gun screaming in agony before yelling "THIS ISN'T OVER! THIS...ISN'T...O...VER! T...HIS...I...SN'T...O...V...ER..."

Soon it's over, all what's left is his smoldering remains. I went to that room to find a control which I did and open the exit, on my way out a phone rang.

I picked it up and said "Hello?"

"We are the representative of Hideo Kojima! You have been sued for copyright infringement, hope you have a good lawyer because we'll be seeing you in court in December 20th! Have a good day!"

Well the guy they're suing's dead and it's not my problem right? If it was me, they'd call my house right? Right? Right?

Right?

RIGHT?

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT?

One day in a small town church where a wedding is held. Adam Sandler's been invited as a wedding singer after being paid large sums of cash to do so. As the song begins to play, to everyone's horror...the comedian begins to start singing...

It's awful
No one loves them
And way they play is dreadful
They just can't win
And so it goes
Despite Omar's lies
Winning is a sin
It'll make you wanna die
So many fools
The snooze and it sinks
One thing for sure

(Mets stinks)
Mets stinks yeah yeah
(Mets stinks)
Mets stinks yeah yeah
(Mets stinks)
Mets stinks yeah yeah
(Mets stinks)
Mets stinks yeah yeah

Everyone looks on in awkward silence...

Now on to something relevant:

IF: Finally I'm in Hong Kong, now time to find those voting drugs!

*suspicious looking ship arrives*

IF: Something's fishy with that ship...

*Codec call Coop83*

Coop: Better be important bloody tart

IF: There's a suspicious activity at the harbor, I'll need your help

NEVR: *shows up on Codec* I'm coming too

IF and Coop: Oh poopy

*some days later*

NEVR: *gets arrested for being an idiot* What gives? You told me it means hello

IF: lol, found one

Coop: Bloody tart!

*later that night*

Coop and IF: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAID!!!

Terrorists: RAID?!

*epic pwnage*

IF: Lol, we won!

*several days later*

Charger fan: I hate you!

IF: Lol wut?

*pwn*

Charger fan: I shall return! *falls into the sea*

IF: Suuure!

Narrator: Meanwhile in Houston...

TSIP: I r submitting racist crap in NG, MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!

*Back in Hong Kong*

IF: *checking the portal* WTF? Time to go to Houston!

Homeless dude: Buy this instruction to teach you a powerful move in few seconds

IF: Okay

*Now in Houston*

IF: Okay! Time to...

*codec rings*

IF: What now?

Billy Mays: Billy Mays here...

IF: Shut up and leave me alone, call this guy instead...

*IF show Omar Minaya's phone number to Billy Mays*

Billy Mays: Okay, lol, now time to snort some crac- I mean...sell OXYCLEAN!!!

*Transmission ends*

IF: Now time to find that KKK bastard!

*Tracks down TSIP*

TSIP: Whatdoyawant?

IF: Time to kick your ass!

*fights*

IF: I'm winning!

TSIP: Hey look, it's Yao Ming!

IF: Really? Where?

*few minutes later*

TSIP: Lol, I'm winning!

IF: You're cheating!

TSIP: Time to finish you off...

Gfox: WTF? *knocks TSIP down*

IF: Kthanx

Gfox: Shouldn't you be in Hong Kong investigating voting drugs

TSIP: *Gets up and knock both IF and gfox along with some innocent bystanders backwards with a unexplained supernatural power*

*Book slips out of IF's jacket pocket*

Gfox: Wait a minute, why are you wearing a jacket in a 90 degrees weather?

IF: *Reads the book* Lol, I'll win!

*Stands in front of TSIP*

IF: Bet you twenty bucks that you can't block this!

TSIP: You're on!

IF: KA...ME...HA...ME...

TSIP: Lol wut?

IF:...HA! *fires a huge energy blast*

TSIP: Oh noes! *gets obliterated along with half of the entire neighborhood*

Gfox: MY CAR!

Some dude: MY HOUSE!

Biker dude: MY RIDE!

White trash: MY WIF- I mean...MY DOG!

IF: Whoops...

*back in Hong Kong*

*sometimes later*

Coop: I'm entering a gambling tournament

IF: I'm in for the lulz

Coop; *facepalms* Bloody tart!

*some times later*

Coop: I'm withdrawing from blackmail

IF: Pussy!

*even later before the last round*

Charger fan: I have golden gun lol!

IF: Holy ripoff! A scene from some movie I saw!

*pwn*

Charger fan: Curses, foiled again! I shall return!

IF: *facepalm*

*even later before the final round*

Charger fan: Again!

IF: *punts a durian*

Durian: *hits a truck, causing it to hit a Charger fan, killing him*

Charger fan: I'm dead *dies*

*later at the final round of a gambling tournament*

IF: *cheats* Lulz, I win!

*some days later*

Icean: I got banned so I want to terminate you lol!

IF: WTF? Android?

*pwn*

IF: I won but still...WTF?

*sometimes later lol*

IF: Time to...

*codec rings*

IF: What?

NG higher up: You're off the case, suspended!

*ends transmission*

IF: *turns emo*

Asshole: Lol, be an hero

IF: No, I'm all better now

*sometimes later*

Coop: Chris Beer is attacking NG!

NEVR: Oh noes!

IF: Let's raid his ass!

Karl Maka: Can I join? I have nothing to do since 2000

IF: Lol, okay

All four: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAID!!!

*attacks Chris Beer's hiding place with illegal weapons from previous raid*

Chris Beer: Oh noes! *escapes*

Coop: Bugger, he's getting away!

IF: Holy ripoff, a scene from a Jackie Chan movie!

*after performing series of dangerous stunts, IF caught Beer*

Chris Beer: Oh man...

*sometimes later*

Officer: We have to let him go, he has lawyer

IF, Coop, NEVR: WTF?!

*codec rings*

EagleRock: Good news! FFF is dead, but new threat arise...

IF: Wut?

EagleRock: Duck Division

*ominous music plays*

IF: Lol wut?

ER: They phished couple of idiots and hacked several more, not only that! Dry-Ice and MightyPotato are MIA!

IF: *imagines city being destroyed behind his back*

ER: Oh and btw, you're back in the case and now repromoted!

IF: YEAH!

ER: Coop? You're review modded!

Coop: Time to celebrate with cups of tea!

IF: What?

ER: Too bad!

*ends transmission*

IF: *bangs head on the wall*

Last night after watching magic show, I became curious. Honestly how did the magician managed to pull off ridiculous stunts?

So once the show's over, I snuck backstage and found the magician's hat. I check inside for a secret compartment, but there's none so I put my hand in to feel for one. But then I grabbed something inside, I pulled it out and it's a 2009 World Series Championship locker room cap for the Phillies that was never given out. I pocketed the cap so I can sell it on eBay once I get home before proceeding to stick my hand into the hat again. I felt something soft, even start groping and feeling what seemed to be an erect nipple until it suddenly jerks away.

"Man, what was that?" I said to myself

Then I realized I really need to stop talking to myself...

I took the hat and turn it downward to spill as much contents as possible. After pouring out several objects including a satellite, game console, a train, Jimmy Hoffa's remains, Honus Wagner baseball card, a cement truck, and so on. Then someone came and yell "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!"

It's that magician, man he's pissed!

"Um...I was just checking to see if there's a rabbit in th-"

"You bastard, how dare you RUIN MY HAT?"

With no other way to escape, I used my supernatural powers to turn myself invisible and snuck past him on my way to the exit. I rarely use it since doing so for a minute can put a strain, after I got out, I stop for a breather while the magician was screaming.

"But darling I swear I didn-"

I looked up and saw some dude pleading with his girlfriend

"Then explain how someone managed to grab my breast!" she yells

"I don't know, but I swear on my pink shirt it wasn't me!"

She slapped him and angrily walks away

"Whoops!" I said

On my way back to the hotel, a blast of smoke burst right in front of me.

"What the?"

Then two figures appears making weird poses.

"Prepare fro trouble!"

"Make it double!"

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation!"

"Lonic!"

"Snaw!"

"Duck Division, blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"

Seeing this, I said "At least it couldn't get anymore rid-"

Then a duck jumps in front of those two losers...

"AFLAC! That's right!"

I felt like banging my head on the wall, seriously WTF?

Lord-Lonic said "Our device have indicate that you're a NG member, tell us who you are"

The Snaw said "Yeah, are you a mod?"

I decided to hide my identity seeing they don't know who I am...

"I'm JohnnyWang!" I said

"Who's JohnnyWang?" asked Snaw

"He's that guy who hangs around at the Anime thread like Gendo" said Lonic

"So he's not a mod, at least it's not Idiot-Finder, Zacied warned us about him"

"Indeed!"

"AFLAAAC!"

I said "You guys better leave, I'm not in a mood right now and I don't want to fight you losers"

"Fuck you! We'll kick your ass!"

"Yeah!"

"AFLAC!"

Then I said "Judging by your collective insecurities, you two seemed to have self-esteem issues, thus leading you two to join the organization so you can finally belong"

"Shut up!"

"I'll finish you two quick as I need time to practice my chechen language"

Then I proceed to beat them with ease, even punting that AFLAC duck into the air. Soon the two DD members jumps into a pickup truck they apparently drove into the city with and tries to run me over.

"You two are wasting my time" I said while leaping over the vehicle

Soon those two idiots accidently drove into a gas station where they were blown into the sky yelling "LOOKS LIKE DUCK DIVISION IS BLASTING OFF!"

This is getting ridiculous!

I'm planning on staying for few days, just to let you know, it's getting crazy out here. Yesterday while blowing the cash I won from that Charger fan on slots, I could have swore that machine is acting on it's own. Come to think of it, I think it's laughing at me...

"You piece of crap!" I yelled

I start attacking it until the thing breaks and the coins starts pouring out. Yeah, I got kicked out but was allowed to keep the money. Then while outside a Charger fan from before came out of nowhere and confront me...again!

"What now?" I said

"You think it's over? Think again!" he said

"So you survived, whoop-dee-doo, what's next?"

"I'll will kill you no matter what it takes!"

"Just give it up, don't forget your Chargers won, you should be satisfied"

"I can't get no satisfaction!"

"What?"

Then suddenly a music starts playing...

When I'm drivin' in my car
and a man comes on the radio
he's tellin' me more and more
about some useless information
supposed to fire my imagination.
I can't get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, that's what I say.

I can't get no satisfaction,
I can't get no satisfaction.
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can't get no, I can't get no.

"Want to know what you need?" I said

"What?"

"Mary Jane, drugs are bad but MJ can shut you up!"

"That's right!" a hippie yells

Then he proceeds to sing...

I'm in love with Mary Jane.
She's my main thing.
She makes me feel alright.
She makes my heart sing.

Then I took over...

And when I'm feeling low,
She comes as no surprise.
Turns me on with her love.
Takes me to paradise.

Do you love me Mary Jane?
Yeah. Whoa-oh-oh.
Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?
Now do you think you love me Mary Jane.
Don't you play no games.

Then almost everyone joins in and it gets ridiculous afterwards...

After the crowd did the chorus

I love her just the same.
I love her, Mary baby, just the same.
The woman plays no games.
Now, now, now.

I'm in love with Mary Jane.
I'm not the only one.
If Mary wanna play around,
I let her have her fun.
She's not the kind of girl
that you can just tie down.
She likes to spread her love
and turn your head around.

After couple of choruses...

Yeahhhhh! Ooowoooo.
Oh baby. Oh baby. Hit me.
Whoah, Mary. Only love.
I love you, yeah. Whooo!
Something until we give it now, lovey-dove.
Uh-huh. Wow, baby!
Sing! La-du-da-da-du-da-dahh.
Sing! La-du-da-da-du-da-dahh.
Sing it for me baby.
Come Mary, Mary Jane.
Sing it for me baby

After the song is finished, a Charger fan then tires to hit me with a chair, but I wrestle it away from him. Then I knocked him down and body slammed him before tossing him into a dumpster, he got out afterwards.

"Yeah, so what my Chargers won? At least your Giants won a Super Bowl, three!" he screamed

"The game your Chargers won, the defense gift-wrapped it for them so you should be happy" I said

"So what? How many championships my Chargers won? NONE!!!"

"Didn't they won a AFL championship once?"

"THAT DIDN'T COUNT!!! ALSO YOU'RE WEARING A YANKEE CHAMPIONSHIP ROSTER TEE, WE HAVE NOTHING!!!"

"Jeez, calm down, your screaming's hurting my ears"

Then he begins to start crying...

"Not only that...ever since you laughed at me when my girlfriend left me over a year ago, my life haven't been the same, my friends are gone because you called FBI on them, I also lost my job..."

Then someone said "They took his jerb"

"All because I laughed at you" I said sarcastically

"YES, MY LIFE IS DESTROYED AND MY BROTHERS WASTED THEIRS TRYING TO AVENGE ME AND I HAD TO POSSESS THIS IDIOT'S BODY TO..."

"You are an idiot, you know that? You could have just move on but instead you decide to waste your life away like a stupid lowlife"

Then I continued,

"Also you start ripping out ideas from mangas to try to kill me and next thing you know, you'll start doing what Jigsaw did in that crappy movie series"

Then the Charger fan begins to calm down...

Then Tony Bennett shows up and starts singing...

It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where all those good 'ol fashioned values
On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy
The one man on this earth who makes do everything like

Effin' cry!

He a family Guuuuuuy!

"Irony"

Then Vince McMahon shows up clapping and said "This is by far the greatest wrestling performance I have ever seen!"

He starts shaking hands with a Charger fan who then said "Really?"

"Yes, how would you like to join WWE? We'll get you a contract soon enough"

Then McMahon turns to me and said "No offense, you're a decent wrestler but you lacked the raw talent this guy has"

Then they left, I shrugged and went back to my hotel room.

"At least things couldn't get any worse" I said to myself

After turning on a television...

ESPN NEWS!!! Hey Giants fans, feeling down? Time to make you feel even worse! Linebacker Antonio Pierce will be out indefinitely due to neck injury...

As I was on my way to Las Vegas, some asswipe shows up with a knife in one hand and a wad of cash in another. I quickly recognized who it is, it's that dude possessed by a Charger fan's left arm, kinda like in MGS2 and 4.

"What now?" I said

"We're going to play a game!" he said

"Sounds kind of familiar"

"I have $5,000, players will place the money on their hands and stab the money with a knife, all the money on the knife goes to the player while the opponent takes turn on the remainder"

"Okay I sworn I have read about this somewhere..."

"The game ends when there's no more bills, player with the most wins, also the player who stabs himself will lose it all"

"Okay?"

"Are you going to take this challenge?"

"Whatever"

I decided to humor him, I could have sworn I have seen this somewhere, but where?

After making his movie by managing to have couple of 20s stuck on the knife, he takes them off and it was my turn. I carefully dug the knife into a large sum of cash on top of my hand and after stopping for a while, I slowly withdrew a knife and took out a quarter of entire sum.

"Lucky, but you will stab yourself, I can guarantee it!" he said

"Like how Jimmy Rollins guaranteed that the Phillies will win the World Series in five?" I said

After several turns, the cash eventually reduced to few bills and it's his turn. After several hesitations, he paused for a moment and took a deep breath.

"Give up?" I said

"Fuck no!"

"I'm in a huge lead, just quit and we'll leave with what we got, at least you still have some money with you"

"NO!"

Then he proceeds to turn his knife on me

"What are you doing?" I said

"I know a way to win, DIE!"

As he tries to stab me, I jumped thirty feet into the air and several feet backwards to dodge his assault.

"Now I get it!" I exclaimed

I know where he got it from, but because I do not have a ancient Egyptian artifact, I cannot mindcrush him so I did the next best thing...I kick the ever loving crap out of him. I charged toward him and kicked the knife out of his hand before pummeling him to the ground.

"I'll take what I have and you keep yours, it's a fair deal" I said

As I start walking walking away I remember something so to be safe I turn around and saw a knife levitating.

"Again?" I said

The Charger fan then used his supernatural powers to send a knife after me. After several minutes of dodging, I stood in front of him.

"That trick won't work like last time!" he said

I punched him in the face

"OW!"

Then angrily he tries to knife me again, but as usual it missed and nearly hits him instead. Seeing this, I ran dozens of meters away from him while he's calling me a "Coward!"

Then I stop and turn around, starts using similar power he's using at that time. Then while struggling to control the levitating knife, I kinda overexert it a bit and the knife blows up. A blade flew off and hits the Charger fan in the stomach. I came upon that insane asswipe, took his money while he's on the ground bleeding and said "You won't be needing this!"

Then I proceed to walk away...

It started when I was waiting for a freight train to pass by so I can ride my way to Nevada. After the first train passed by, I realize that maybe perhaps I should have jumped into one of the boxcars. So I waited for some time before another one arrives. About an hour later, another train arrives and I quickly ran before jumping into one of the boxcars.

After over a day in the train, I jumped off and proceed to make my way to a nearby town. It's a good thing I have enough cash in my wallet, Haggard and others would have been able to track me down if I use the NG debit card.

"Time to find a place to stay" I said to myself

While looking for a place to stay, there's a fair nearby and I decided to check it out. There I met David Wells, a drunk obese former star pitcher of the Major League Baseball.

"Yo! Is that you?" I said

"What?" he said

"You're David Wells! The dude who pitched a perfect game in 1998!"

"Yeah, so what?"

"I have questions to ask you..."

"I have a better idea, here's a 1998 World Series ring, you can hold it for a minute if you're willing to shut the hell up!"

I held a World Series ring in my hand and was admiring it, an actual championship ring in my hand!

Then some asswipe shows up and said "Yankee suck!"

I slip the ring into my middle finger and punched him in the face, leaving an imprint on his forehead. Soon that jerk ran off crying like a baby.

"Damn kid, okay you can hand that ring back now"

"If the Yanks makes it back to the World Series next year, will you do another guest column like you did this year?"

"Maybe, if I'm sober enough"

Afterward I went to a small restaurant to have something to eat. While having a soup, a fly flew into it and begins to start swimming.

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"

The waiter came, took a look and said "That can't be good, I'll inform the manager!"

"Couldn't you just get me another bowl?"

"We pride ourselves in sanitation, we're not going to let it slip that easily"

Then few minutes later, the manager and the patrons came

"There's a fly in your soup?" the manager ask

"Yeah, what happ-" before I was interrupted

"Don't worry, we pride ourselves in sanitation, we won't let this one slide!"

Then he picks up that fly and drops it to the floor...

"GET HIM!!!"

He and rest of the patrons proceeds to attack the tiny insect like a mob beating up on one person. Freaked out by this, I place the money on the table and said "Let's say it's my fault, I'll be leaving so here's the money"

What a way to lose my appetite but it only gets worse...

I went to a pay phone to make a call, remember you cannot trace calls made from pay phones. As I was ready to make a call, couple of people were passing by talking about a football game that happened.

"Do you think the Giants will be able to recover from this loss?"

"Beats me"

The Giants lost? They lost to the Chargers? They lost to the fucking Chargers? They lost to a mediocre west coast team?

"DAMN IT!!!"

I start attacking the pay phone like what Robert DeNiro did in Goodfellas when he learned that Home Alone dude was shot.

"DAMN IT!!!"

"What's his problem?"

"Must have something do do with that phone call, lets go or he'll take it out on us"

After hyperventilating few few minutes, I walk away from the destroyed pay phone and kicked the sand screaming "I DON'T NEED THIS!!!"