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Idiot-Finder's News

Posted by Idiot-Finder - October 8th, 2009


Here's a recap of the events that have started in the late winter of 2008 to now:

------------------------------

Idiot-Finder: I have a confession to make, I took VGH...

EGB: We know, thumb injury right? As long you didn't abuse it...

IF: Um...yeah

*moments later*

IF: I have evidence that lists all the users who took them, here's a photo of Canseco with Dream-of-Duke's college logo...

gfoxcook: Damn!

*moments later*

IF: I'll take this files to...

Someone: *knocks IF unconscious*

IF: That came out of nowhere *blacks out*

------------------------------

IF: I know I screwed up but I'll get those reports back

The superior: *sarcastically* Sure

gfox: We'll all be waiting with baited breath to hear the results of your inquiries!

------------------------------

IF: Hey Brian NcMamee, you told me you got a lead

Brian NcMamee: I did, all I know is that Roman Polanski have the information regarding the stolen files

------------------------------

*In France*

IF: Now to find that troubled film maker...

9/11 truthers: Lets kick his ass *pointing at IF*

IF: WTF!

*pwn*

IF: Now that I kicked their asses, I'll...damn it! Where is Polanski?

------------------------------

*moments later*

IF: Finally, now to find a way to break into Polanski's home...

*few minutes later*

IF: *breaks into Polanski's house* Now to find...*finds a note*

Polanski's been kidnapped!!!

Sincerely, Saddam Hussein's bastard son

IF: Damn it!

------------------------------

IF: Polanski's been imprisoned at a gambling boat, because I don't have $500,000 required to get in, I'll have to find a reputated gambler to help me.

gfox: Alright, do the best you can

IF: Also my fantasy team just beat Chuckers and is now in the finals, probably won't win but I'll try to keep it close

gfox: You know you're paying for this call right?

------------------------------

*meanwhile*

chr0me: I'm gay!

Everyone: No one cares!

------------------------------

piglet: Now to troll NG...

IF: *knocks him down* Whoops, my bad

piglet: Wahhhhhhhh!!!

------------------------------

*skips certain event that doesn't make any sense*

------------------------------

*sometimes later*

IF: Now that I found where the God of Gamblers lives, I'll...

Bodyguard: *points gun at IF*

IF: *runs like hell*

------------------------------

Coop: I'm a student of that dude

IF: All this time? Do you realize how much trouble I have went through to find that guy and you're telling me just now?

------------------------------

*at the gambling boat*

Coop: Lol I'm pwning you on poker

Saddam's bastard son: WTF

*somewhere at the part of the ship*

IF: *brandishing a nunchuku made from plungers*

Henchmen: WTF

*pwn*

IF: Now that I pwned you, where's Polanski?

*back at the gambling room*

Coop: I win lol

Saddam's bastard son: *points gun at Coop* Die

IF: *throws ashtray to knock his gun off*

Saddam's bastard son: WTF

God of Gambler's bodyguard: I hijacked the ship!

Saddam's bastard son: Oh poopy, I'm screwed!

Polanski: I wanna go home...

IF: After you tell us about the stolen files and you can go, after all it's not like you're going to slip up by going to Switzerland where they finally catch you and ship you back to the U.S. right?

------------------------------

*back to the U.S.*

IF: So Polanski said it's in San Jose...I'm sure he meant the one in the U.S., not the one where "The-Wonder" was murdered by thugs.

*moments later*

IF: WTF, the thug just killed a cop, he's not getting away with this

*jumps into a bus*

IF: Freeze!

Thug: Oh poopy *takes hostage*

IF: *shoots him*

Thug: OW!

Hostage: Oh poopy I got heart attack...

IF: CALL THE AMBULANCE!!!

Hostage: Too late *dies*

IF: Aw man...

------------------------------

IF: Hey, a pineapple fished from under the sea

Livecorpse's ghost: Get down *knocks IF down as a bullet sails over his head*

IF: WTF

Livecorpse's ghost: kbye *disappears*

IF: WTF

------------------------------

IF: *picks up a receipt* Super HGH and meth were sold to some guy by the name of David Arias? Who is he?

Steroid dealers: Oh noes! Raid!

IF: I reported those drug dealers, now off to find voting drugs...

------------------------------

IF: *beating up Bud Selig* English motherfucker! English!

Bud Selig: No, no more please stop...

IF: *continues to kick the crap out of Bud Selig for being responsible for Wang's injury*

------------------------------

IF: *reads a note* Meet at 5? Could it be a trap? I'll go and check it out...

*at the park*

Thugs: *grabs IF by arm*

IF: WTF

Thugs: Were here to kick your ass!

*pwn*

IF: As you were saying? So where's the voting drugs?

Thugs: It's not here, we moved them to Hong Kong...

*later that night*

Jean Muggli: You're better than my ex-husband, I'll go out with you as I'm not after your money despite my reputation as a golddigger who swindles people for the lulz and plants false accusations on people

Alex Jones: You're my kind of girl

IF: *watching them* I won't warn him, that's for help spreading that conspiracy crap around, people are gullible idiots these days!

*even later*

Chupacabra: lol Imma suck yer goat

IF: *in the car* No way *runs that monster over*

*drove through a shanty town*

Police: Freeze!

IF: Oh poopy

------------------------------

*breaks out and takes hostage*

IF: Drive me to San Diego *pointing a gun at the guard*

------------------------------

*in San Diego*

Charger fan: *screaming at his girlfriend regarding her brother serving in war in Iraq* "YOUR BROTHER IS A BLOOD-THIRSTY MUR..."

Girlfriend: *smacks him in the face* I'm outta here *leaves the internet cafe*

Charger fan: *tries to follow her but a door swung and hits him in the face*

Everyone: LOL

Charger fan: I'll kill you one day!

*about few hours later*

Charger fans: *burning effigies of people including Bush* Burn!

IF: WTF, I'm calling FBI

Malachy: *arrives on a bus* Here's a plane ticket

IF: Kthanx

*much later*

Stupid kid: Weeee, I'll go hide in casket

IF: WTF, I'll go and warn him

Men from the crematorium: *came in and picks up the casket*

IF: WAIT!

Men from the crematorium: *takes out a taser* Bug off!

*stuns*

IF: WTF *recovers and chase*

Charger fans: *blocks IF's path*

IF: WTHM

Charger fans: YOU THINK THAT WAS FUNNY? YOU CALLED FBI ON US FOR BURNING EFFIGIES!!!

IF: Well you shouldn't done this in the first place considering the fact that any threat can get you into trouble

FBI: *fires tear gas*

IF: *escapes* Now to rescue that kid

Men from the crematorium: WTF you again?

*pwn*

IF: Now to...

Stupid kid: *burning*

IF: &^&^%$%^&&**(((*(*&^&^%%%#@$^&*^%$$^&&
%##%&%^&*&%&(((&^%$$##@#@#$$%@!@#$%#@@
$^^&^&%$##@#@%&**(&^%$$#%^^&^&%$$$%%^%
^&^%$%$^&^&^&*...

------------------------------

*in a plane*

IF: *sleeping*

*hijack happens*

IF: *wakes up* WTF

*pwn*

Hijackers: Ow...

Passengers: Lol we won

Freed pilots that weren't injured: Were in Somalia

Passengers: Oh poopy

*lands in the section where the Red Cross is at*

Passengers: Were safe!

IF: *gives a refugee kid Jolly Rancher*

*warlord comes*

Warlord: *sees a kid holding a western product and shoots him*

IF: *upset as he's partly responsible for what happened to the kid*

BigBadRon: You're banned! *holds up a banning paper*

Warlord: *shoots BBR in the face*

Everyone: ...

Warlord and his group: *leaves*

*the next day*

IF: *steals a vehicle to find the warlord to avenge the kid*

*encounters a villain*

IF: WTF

Villain: *knocks IF out*

------------------------------

*at the hospital after being moved to South Africa by the Red Cross*

IF: *escapes* On to Hong Kong

------------------------------

End of the first recap...


Posted by Idiot-Finder - October 6th, 2009


Alone in his dark cell, mightypotato was wondering what just happened. Few days earlier at his home watching the Food Channel, a doorbell rang. Wondering who could it be at this time as he was ready to go to bed, he got up and open the door. To his surprise it's a traveling salesman, not knowing how this could happen since this practice is now long out of date. The salesman reach into his pocket to take out an orb and said "I'm here to sell you this crystal ball, it can predict the future!"

With a blank look on his face, tater said "Does this thing predict that I'm going to slam the door in your face?"

"Um..."

Tater rudely slams the door on the salesman's face, breaking his nose in the process. After the salesman got up, he cursed loudly at mightypotato's house before leaving. About an hour later while brushing his teeth, doorbell rings. Annoyed, he quickly rinsed and ran downstairs to see who can it be at this time. As he opens the door expecting it to be that salesman, this time no one's here...

Stunned, he close the door and turns around where to his horror...there's a teenager pointing a dagger to his forehead. Tater saw his face and recognize who it is...

"Zacied?" he said

"That's right, ever since you have banned me for violating rights to post gay porn on Newgrounds, I went to join the Duck Division so I can exact my revenge!" said Zacied before breaking into his maniacal laughter

"No matter what you will do, I won't tell you anything about NG you bastard!"

"I knew that, I'm here to make you suffer eternal pain!"

Then mightypotato blacks out after getting hit from behind by one of Zacied's associates who also entered through the backdoor.

Now the ex-mod of Newgrounds found himself in a dark cell wondering where he is and will someone come to his rescue. The cell opens, Tater got up but he saw Zacied and Yenig grinning evilly at him.

"What do you want from me?" Tater said

"Did you forget? I want you to suffer!" said Zacied

"Yeah, suffer!" said Yenig

Soon they came up to him and beats him to a pulp. Afterward they proceed to drag him into the torture chamber where they hook him up with an electrical device.

"What are you doing" Tater groans

Zacied turns on the device and electrocutes Tater

"AAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"You like that? You like that bitch?" Zacied laughs

"Okay we should stop for now or we'll kill him" said Yenig

"Good point, that'll be too easy"

Then they unhook Tater and drags him back to his cell until the next morning...

Tater wakes up and saw Zacied's butt stretched in a way deemed impossible

"Feel the wrath of my goatse bitch!" said Zacied

Soon he takes a catatonic mightypotato to his office and rapes him. Once it's over he'll dunk his head into a tub of dirty water before breaking his arm.

"That's for banning me"

That night Tater sits in his cell with tears streaming down wondering if he'll ever going to be rescued as he have now been rendered a male version of broken bird. The next day Yenig went out for a vacation, leaving Zacied in control. There Zacied forced Tater to eat his feces and his own vomit at gunpoint before drugging him so he can rape him again. Soon Zacied takes out a taser and said "Want a shock of your life?"

The former mod couldn't answer as he froze in fear know what a former member of the Faggot-Federation's going to do to him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
!" Tater screams

"Shock yer balls, shock yer balls, shock yer balls..." Zacied sings

"N-no...no more...kill...me..." Tater begs as he starts coughing out blood

"You wish" said Zacied as he kicks him in the stomach

It gets worse the next day...

Tater was hung upside down with scorpions crawling all over his body for an hour. Zacied have an antidote to assure that he won't die just so he can make him suffer even more. Then next he tied Tater to a chair with his eyes forced open so he won't be able to close them in front of a television airing an Uwe Boll movie. Afterwards Zacied went on to taze mightypotato's nipples until they explodes, bits of blood splashed on his shirt.

"EWWWWWWWW!!!" said Zacied

It won't be until few weeks later that mightypotato was finally freed...only after enduring few weeks of brutal torment...


Posted by Idiot-Finder - October 4th, 2009


One morning I went to a tent just outside the park to meet a fortune teller. Yes there's a huge advertisement regarding that and I became curious. Once I went in...whoa, it's filled with awful smell similar to vitamins and pee. There's this hippie woman who looked no older than 30 and seemed to be under influence of marijuana. After smoking a bong, she takes out her crystal ball and hover her hands over it.

"I see something...I see darkness, all foul and dark..." she said

I got kinda worried a bit

"Now I see...you will kill a man named Trevor...horrifying pun...step on his corpse..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, why would I kill that guy, he haven't done anything wrong but refusing to watch the abridged series which caused him to miss the jokes" I said

"This is what I see unfortunately, also you will one day lead the rebellion in the other world, against newgrounds..."

"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!"

"The crystal ball do not lie"

I start to freak out, according to her I'm going to do the opposite of what I stood for. That is until I heard this...

"You will ally with Dream-of-Duke"

"That's...improbable"

"You will kill the other you"

"That's unlikely"

"You will fight against Slash's demonic nemesis"

"What?"

"You will disrupt the meeting by storming the front..."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You will fight against super-Byte before escaping"

"You're just messing with me aren't you?"

But she ignored my question and continues to blurt out rubbish while continuing to stare at the crystal ball. Kids, this is the main reason why marijuana should not be legalized!

"You will assault a member of a feminist group..."

"That I would do"

"You will travel to space along with Mr. T and others to fight those evil invading aliens"

"Okay, if you're not taking this seriously I'm outta here" I said as I got up

"My crystal ball never lies..."

"Yeah sure"

"Also one day you will summon enough powers that you will be able to defeat the tyranny of the other world"

"Now I know you're full of crap"

Then I left and went back to the hotel where I start shipping my stuff back to the U.S. for one reason, deadline is approaching. I'll try to stay here past the deadline but to avoid arrest by Bahamut the ass-wipe, I'm not going to let my stuff get confiscated by a team he'll send. Good thing NEVR told me about this or I wouldn't have taken Bahamut's threat seriously. Anyway those predictions are ridiculous, c'mon, what are the odds? Next thing she'll be telling me is that the Mets will change their uniform color.

The odds of all New York Super Bowl is better than this and everyone know it'll never happen although I would love it to happen, but it won't unfortunately...

Then an hour after I checked out of the room that was fumigated, I received a phone call in the other room I'm currently staying at. I expected it to be one of those annoying telemarketers but instead...

"I know everything" said the fortune teller

"Where the hell did you get this number?" I said

"In the future, you will duel against a guitarist also named Slash on Guitar Hero, losing the first eight tries before finally winning in the ninth. You two will compete on a song called 'Reflex' by Duran Duran"

"You know you're paying for this call right?"

Then she hung up...

As Lawrence Taylor once hypocritically said, "Don't smoke crack!"


Posted by Idiot-Finder - October 2nd, 2009


To beat an enemy, you'll have to know your enemy. To know your enemy...you'll have to be your enemy, that's the lesson of war. Having no idea when those Charger fans will strike, I sat on the floor in my second hotel room (I got charged for an extra room thanks to those bastards!) and concentrate. I start concentrating my energy on my eyes and then I start having vision where I'm looking from a view of a Charger fan. He's riding a motorcycle with another package and it has another ticking sound just like before, he's heading to the hotel again.

Quickly I got out and stood outside where he would then pass by so he won't be able to pull that same trick again, because he know I'm here. Sometimes later I head to his direction and came upon an abandoned warehouse. In the warehouse there are people talking amongst themselves, kinda like those people in that racist website, KKK gathering anyone? I know Dr. King isn't a saint but compare to those people, he is and will be a better person than they are. Now I'm drifting off topic and I'm not even black, just a old habit of mine.

"So he was standing outside, just wait until dusk then" one said

"Where you guys going?"

"To the restaurant, you stay"

After two of them left, the remaining Charger fan starts to mumble to himself.

"They always treat me like this, I can do it myself...I'll show them"

As he got on a motorcycle, I pick up a metal rod from a stack near the warehouse. As he starts to drive, I threw the rod and it jammed the wheel, causing it to flip which threw the rider off. Soon he lands right in front of a vehicle and the motorcycle them slid towards him until it pins him. Soon his helmet falls off and I recognize who it was...it's that same guy I fought several times including that card game tournament where I beat him. The fuel begins to leak and the flames appears from the sparks due to the motorcycle scraping on the street before it pins him.

"HELP!!!" he screams

Tears starts streaming down on his face. Feeling bad I got up to help him but then the ensuing explosion knocked me several feet back, that's when I realized it...he's gone.

"Oh crap" I said knowing the trouble I'm in

His cohorts arrives at the scene shortly after and saw the carnage.

"What the FUCK JUST HAPPENED?"

"I know, it's that Giants fan, he found our secret hideout"

"Should I call for reinforcements?"

"Not yet, that's what he'll expect us to do"

"Why are we doing this? We have nothing to do with this, it happened all because our leader's brother was killed by him with a fucking fruit!"

"I know, but some people back home now feared him, they even thinks he has a ability to destroy people with his mind"

"That's scary, I know I should've taken that job at McDonald's"

I was ready to sneak away when I stepped on a branch.

"What is that sound?"

"Wait! IT'S HIM! GET HIM!!!"

Quickly I ran like hell into the harbor where I hid in one of the docked ships that was abandoned for some reason. I climbed up the ladders to hide in the upper deck for a moment at those two Charger fans enters. Eventually they split and enters the room where I'm hiding at that point, a rat scampers across the room and he turns around to fire a shot. I got it, pressure is on him as he's way too alert so I threw a people and then he turns at where I threw it before opening fire twice. Then I sneezed but fortunately he turned to the wrong direction and fired three shots, depleting his ammo.

As he was reloading, I came up from behind and attacked him. Soon after wrestling him to the ground, I proceed to beat him to death. Now that's two down and one to go...

I got out of the ship and tries to start the motorcycle but had some trouble with the engine. The remaining Charger fan saw this and starts to get off the ship. Eventually I was able to start the damn thing and begins to drive away. I noticed the remaining enemy is pursuing me so I drove to the unfinished bridge in full speed where then I flew to the other side before falling off. The Charger fan made it as well but unfortunately for him...he overshot it and crash into a tree.

Copying Clint Eastwood's line from "Magnum Force", I said "A man's got to know his limitations."


Posted by Idiot-Finder - October 1st, 2009


Earlier this morning when I woke up at 2 a.m. I felt something crawling in my bed. I lift my blanket over and to my horror, it's a tarantula...the same one those hoodlums tried to send me before. I froze in terror as the giant arachnid crawls up my body. Soon it starts crawling on my face and stopped for a while. As sweats starts to flow out like that scene with Ted Striker from the movie "Airplane!", the spider finally left. Immediately I got up an knock the spider to the floor and I crushed it with a giant phone book.

Soon I went to the bathroom and starts to throw up, it's the most disgusting I have seen since Zacied's goatse when I went to rescue MightyPotato. Thanks to this I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night and I'm tired. Not to mention the fact that I'm still somewhat jittery from that high experience I got from accidentally inhaling weed a while ago.

So I got out early this time to confront those Charger fans once and for all...but then something happened. An Australian tourist came and asked me if I can take a picture of him in front of a harbor, I said "Alright".

After taking a picture, he thanked me and we parted on good terms. Then I went for a walk to the park to take a nap on a bench when I saw a kid stumbling toward me.

"Kid are you okay?" I said

Then a police officer came to the kid and said "Kid are you lost?"

Without answering, the kid fell and blew up like a bomb. The officer's dead and I was covered with what's left of the kid.

"What the..."

I saw someone running from the scene so I chased him. Unfortunately after few minutes or so the chase ends in the jungle where I lost him.

"Damn it!"

Who is that person? Why did he run from the scene? Did he have something to the exploding kid?

Then I have one more question...should I ignore the deadline and stay here for a little longer until Chris Beer is caught?

All I know is that I felt like as if my respiratory system have turned into a phlegm factory, lack of sleep can do that to you, especially in uncomfortable weather. As I was leaving, the police came and I answer all the questions they threw at me, soon I was taken to the hospital for an hour before being released. Being that I was near where the explosion happened not to mention being covered in gunk...so yeah. As I was walking my way back to the hotel, the manager came and told me that my room have been fumigated due to infestation from another package send to me. They were able to move my stuff out before it happened so I'll have to stay in another room.

He said "What did you do to upset someone enough to hurt you, it's one of the several times it happened"

Although I may not have any proof but I have good idea whom it might've been...

I'll get those bastards tomorrow...count on it!


Posted by Idiot-Finder - September 28th, 2009


Shortly after what happened yesterday, I went out again to look at the harbor. You know no matter how hard you'll try, your eyes will always follow a wave, I tried it myself and almost hurt my eyes. I went back to the hotel to call it a day, though not before checking the room to make sure it's safe ever since the incident with the Charger fans. Next morning I went to find the location to Chris Beer's whereabouts when I notice a steam coming from a nearby neighborhood. I went to take a look and saw that it's coming from someone's house.

I went for a closer look but then as I look into the window, a blast of smoke burst into my face and I breathed some of it in. I caught a glimpse of what was inside and saw group of hippies with one familiar face together smoking marijuana...come to think of it...it's a jungle in there. I got out of the way in time but unfortunately it's too late, soon I started to feel funny. I start having bit of a dizzy spell and took a rest on a bench staring at pigeons...no idea how long have I been doing this but sometimes later I grew hungry so I went to a local fast-food restaurant.

An hour later I went to check that house again but this time...no one here. They must have left to get something but the marijuana's gone too so I can't phone the police. Come to think of it, is marijuana legal in New Zealand?

Anyway, as I begin to make my way back to the hotel, I heard someone walking behind me. So I turn around and saw four people, I recognized them.

"Long time no see" cracked Zacied

"You will pay for what you did to Beaky" said dizmiz

"You may have beaten me twice, but this time revenge will be mine!" snarled DrForeman

"Dick neck?" I said

"Stop calling me dick neck!"

Then the most surprising of all...

"Jakka, dakka, dakka" said Xito

"Xito? But he's dead!" I said

"Actually we brought him back with dragon balls" said Zacied

"But he's been dead for over a year"

"No, when we rebuild him as a cyborg it counts as being alive"

"Then that means you found a way to get around it..."

"Bingo!"

Then Xito shouts "Allah ackbar!" and starts charging at me

Quickly, I took off a cellophane Yankee logo from a shirt I'm wearing and toss it at Xito. The anti-American review troll then got tangled up until the cellophane logo disappears. Stunned Zacied stood there in silence.

"What the fuck was that?" dick neck shouts

"That's the point you jerk" I said

Angrily dickneck stretch his head toward me but I kicked it back at him.

"Take that giraffe boy!"

Then dick neck got up and said "It's a lie, my dad is not a giraffe"

"What?"

"Truth is, back in college when I was sucking Lord Turnip's dick and there's a explosion..." he growled

Then he continued, "Turnip's dick came off and merged with my neck..."

I start busting out laughing

"YOU ARE DICK NECK!!!" I laughed

"Stop laughing at ME!!!" dick neck screams as he tries to attack me

But then I fired my ki blast to launch dick neck into the sky where he screams "Looks like the beast is blasting off again..." then the sky twinkles

Soon Zacied, dizmiz and Xito came together in which dizmiz said "We must combine our strength!"

They all levitated up into the air and were preparing to fire their beams at me. I dropped back like a quarterback and cupped my hands together on my right side to prepare my kamehameha. I fired that blast as soon as they fired theirs. Despite their combined power, I was able to overtake them fairly easily. Two got out of the way in time but Xito didn't and was obliterated in the blast.

"XITO, NO!!!" Zacied screams

After what was left of Xito rained down, Zacied points to me and screams "YOU BASTARD! BECAUSE OF YOU I COULDN'T DO GOATSE ANYMORE SINCE THAT DEBRIS FELL ON MY ASS!"

"That bad?" I said

"I HAVE BEEN SHITTING PANCAKES SINCE THEN AND IT HURTS WHEN I DID SO!!!" he screams as he picks up a bunch of sea stars the vendor's been selling at the harbor and threw them at me like shurikens.

I dodge them all like that scene from Spiderman, but like that scene one of the star fish managed to cut my right forearm.

"OW!"

Then Zacied took out a sword and starts to attack me in close combat. I used my supernatural power to slow down my perception of time, thus enabling me to dodge his swings more easily. Then I kicked him so hard that he flew through the entrance of a local restaurant where he later comes out with blood leaking out of his mouth. Seeing this, dizmiz starts reading my power level with his scouter.

Once the number stops, dizmiz became horrified.

"Hey Donovan, what did you scouter say about his power level?" said Zacied

Dizmiz takes off his scouter and breaks it yelling "IT'S ALMOST 2,000!!!"

"WHAT?! 2,000! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!"

Zacied tries to attack me again

"ZACIED WAIT!!!" dizmiz screams

It's too late, I kicked the sword out of exhausted Zacied's hand and knocked him down. Afterwards I concentrate my powers on Zacied by focusing my palms at him and picks him up into the air with my mind. Soon I drop his body into one of the ship's smoke stacks as it begins to sail.

"It's on" I said to dizmiz

Then a song from a nearby stereo starts to play...

I wake up with blood-shot eyes
Struggled to memorize
The way it felt between your thighs
Pleasure that made you cry
Feels so good to be bad
Not worth the aftermath, after that
After that
Try to get you back

"This is for Beaky" he said

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

"Listen that's was an accident! I was aiming that CD at you in self-defense!"

"That's no reason to broke into my home you bastard!"

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
(Yeah)
So this is goodbye

"For the last time, your game suck!"

"It doesn't mean everyone else would hate it!"

God damn my spinning head
Decisions that made my bed
Now I must lay in it
And deal with things I left unsaid
I want to dive into you
Forget what you're going through
I get behind, make your move
Forget about the truth

"Yes they will, didn't you read the labels on the drugs you used? It enhances the difficulty level but also decreases the quality and the playability!"

"YOU'RE WRONG!!!"

He threw a punch but I blocked it

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

Soon I head-butted him, stumbling backwards he recovered and fired a palm blast at me but I deflected it right at the street lamp.

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye

"I'll just slap the sense into you" I said as I proceed to bitch-slap him

Then I punch him in the gut, knocking him down.

I've been here before
One day I'll wake up
And it won't hurt anymore
You caught me in a lie
I have no alibi
The words you say don't have a meaning
Cause

"I-I'm sorry Beaky...I c-couldn't av..." as he lose consciousness

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you
And I...and so this is goodbye

"What happened? You're one of the great flash artists but you have stooped low to join those lowlives..."

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye
So this is goodbye, yeah
(Oh no)

I called the ambulance and they picked him up just like that, hopefully he'll recover. Then as I made my way back to the hotel, I saw a cactus plant getting torched. I ran over to the hotel manager and ask him what was going on.

"I know you, that plant was mailed to your room but our men inspected it and there's something funny"

"I don't remember ordering that plant, what happened?"

"I called the local botanist and they send those agents to burn it, no idea why"

As the flame dies down, I came for a closer look and to my horror, inside the cactus are the charred remains of the spider known as the "Big T", I frozed.

Then I said "Who send it?"

"We have no idea, there's no return address on the package"

Then I heard a familiar tune nearby...

Soon the thugs on motorcycles drove away...


Posted by Idiot-Finder - September 27th, 2009


An hour after handing over the missing documents from the Fulp's Report that launched that investigation over a year ago to Coop83 so he can take it back to the NG headquarter. I received a message from Bahamut, he said that I should stop my current investigation to find Chris Beer or I'll be charged as a rogue agent. I couldn't believe what I just heard...

"WHY?" I screamed at the phone

"Why? You have been causing so much damage that if it keeps up...THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN COVER THE COST!!!"

"I not going to give up until I find that portal spammer"

"FORGET IT! CEASE WHAT YOU'RE DOING OR WE'LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED!"

"You bastard..."

"It's how it is, deal with it! I appealed to the higher up to give you more time so the deadline to returm is one week, if you don't return by that time it's your ass!"

Then the call ended...

Upset at what happened, I went to take a walk to cool down and think about what I should do in the future. Now that I won't be able to continue my remaining investigation, I angrily threw my cellphone into the sea...which then skips like a flat stone and hits a kayaker, capsizing the boat in the process. At least my knee have gotten better but still hurts thanks to that Flozell Adams-wannabe Yenig, but I'm sure he learned his lesson for now. Then the fisherman came up to me and said "You gotta be careful, 'cause the next thing you know...you'll end up hurtin' everyone you see"

"Um...thanks...I guess" I said

Then about an hour later, I went to the park, the same one where I fought Mr. Diarrhea-Mouth. The damage some of the trees have sustained can still be seen, good thing I didn't get hit, I hope those people are okay, they're not as lucky as you can remember. As I kept on going, couple of kids came to me.

"Hey I know you!"

"Really?" I said

"Yeah! I saw you on the news, you're that champion of that card game tournament in New York!"

"Oh..." I said glumly

Then their dad came and said "Okay kids, time to go hom--Hey I know you!"

"Yeah I know, that card game!"

"Aside from that, you helped took down one of the cigarette companies in this island"

"You must be mad"

"No, thanks to you I quit, can you sign autographs for my kids, it'll mean so much?"

So I signed the kids' duel disks with my initial "D.H."

Afterwards we parted in good terms. You know what? I'll try to make the best of it and do what I can for the next few days, once it's done I'll go back to NG headquarter and face the music, there's no use hiding you know. I guess that voting drug ring will be left unresolved but I heard Coop83 will try to take over, good luck to him.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - September 24th, 2009


One night while spamming the Yankees message board with nonsense, the same thing as usual, he was browsing Sports By Brooks in hope that he'll pick them up one day by stalking. After finally running out of ideas of what crap he should post, the typical Red Sox fan decide to call it a night. The next morning while busy enjoying his day off from class, tired of wasting all those time trolling the Yankees message board, an idea came up. Hoping that the people at newgrounds including his then fellow EGB members are gullible, he went to create another NG account.

"Teeheehee" he laughed

Sometimes later on newgrounds, a user known as hot-and-charming appears on a message board. On a thread asking the users about their favorite mods, hot-and-charming came up and said "Oh, they're just too directive for me to be the best, I prefer to sleep with the ones that are supportive, I hard Maus is soft and nice so I'll go with her"

Maus came and read the post

"Sweet!" she said

Several months of tricking the NG community (I wasn't paying attention), Duke decides to push it further.

"That'll teach them for dissing my poor Red Sox, they paid their players in peanuts while the Yankees made them millioniares, I hate them!" he said as he made his way into the Major League Thread in which "league" is spelled "leauge" due to a stupid typo.

"Why Estabum Loaiza?" the alt. squealed sadly

Crashman notice and said "You're a A's fan?"

"Yes" said hot-and-charming

"Sweet, hi I'm gullible-idiot-in-training" said Crashman

"Sorry, I already have a boyfriend

"Damn it!"

Few minutes later, Duke switch back to his main account screaming "DAMMIT!!! I HATE YOU WELLS!!! TRADE DAVID FATTT WELLS!!!" before proceeding to drop his cluster-f-bombs

"Can you please shut the fuck up?" said Coop83

"NO!"

Everyone sighs due to having to put up with Duke's idiocy. Then few weeks later...

After being found out, hot-and-charming tries to hold off but EagleRock then confront her with the information from the site of that supposed model.

"Well...Eagle, you really should not fully trust what the internet said, especially since the website was 4 years' old already. I used to consider USC as an option, but hey, I know where I am. Actually, I am quite irrated for that webiste to provide invalid information. I guess that we have had enough about this topic. Please let get over with the issue, thanks" he/she typed, apparent that Duke didn't do his math

Then EagleRock counters "By your logic, I should trust you, since your words are coming through on the Internet. However, www.dianakauffman.com is not 4 years old. In the portfolio, the top right picture shows a magazine article which talks about Diana Kauffman being the "Coors Queen of Halloween" in 2004. Disputing that picture is not easy to do, as it is right there, clear as day"

Then he proceeds to present more evidence against " her"

After series of debates in which EagleRock clearly has the upper-hand, Duke switch back to his main account to defend his "girlfriend". But then EagleRock slaughters him mercilessly as Duke's idiocy fails to hold him off.

"Those evidence are clear, it's your alt." he said

Then Duke said "You're just jealous, we Duke University students are studs, that's why our lacrosse team raped that hooker" Duke said

"What the fuck does this have to do with anything?"

"Ummm...okay maybe she's not my girlfriend and I faked the whole thing...but still I rubbed my penis on a picture of her so it counts"

"No it doesn't, you're doing it on a picture, not an actual person"

"But..."

"No, you know what?"

"..."

"YOU FAIL!!!"

Sometimes after this incident, Dream-of-Duke was kicked out of the EGB. Few years later he disappeared and was never seen again. Some believed that his disappearance may have been linked to Idiot-Finder's investigation regarding the voting drugs, but no one will ever know for certain...


Posted by Idiot-Finder - September 22nd, 2009


Earlier this morning I was delivered a package. I was wondering what could it be since I haven't been ordering anything for a while. Then I notice something's strange about the package, there's no label on who is it from, to make it worse...there's a ticking sound. I used my supernatural powers to tap into my x-ray vision to see what's inside, I found out it's a bomb. With clock ticking down at twelve seconds, I ran across the room to open the window and toss the package with every ounce of strength I have.

Soon I quickly duck for cover despite being in a room several stories high and there's a loud explosion heard. I got up as the smoke clears, I look down and saw several people on motorcycles driving away, those fans of the team from San Diego with a bolt logo really are serious. I still couldn't believe that over a year ago, the whole thing started because I laughed at that idiot back in San Diego and the fact that I called F.B.I. on those who went and burn effigies in the park. Those people have taken it to a whole another level personally.

"I'll get them one day" I said to myself

Later that afternoon a discussion with F.B.I. agents that potential murderer Chris Beer may be on the run which could explain why we couldn't find him, I went to walk around for a while to think about returning home. When it happens, I notice someone's walking behind me so I stopped for a moment to see who it is. Then that person threw a pipe at me and I was able to dodge it the same way Bush did in Iraq when some dude came up and threw a shoe at him (became huge news, even regrettably overshadowing the incident involving the governor of Illinois).

"Who are hell are you?" I said

"Yenig, I was sent by Beer to kill you" he said

"Why would an alcoholic beverage sent someone to kill someone, fridge logic much?"

"Chris Beer you fucking idiot!"

"Hey, no need to be nasty about it"

"Shut up, all you need to know is that I'm evil and I will take you down!"

Then he claps and place his hands on the ground, soon there's a flash of light and a sword appears. I was stunned, he crossed the gate...

"You opened the gate didn't you?" I said

"So you know about alchemy then?" he said

"What did you give up to do that?"

"None of your business!" he screamed

Then he charge right at me, but I jumped over him like Michael Jordan when he was in his prime. Soon I ran toward him and kick the sword out of his hand, soon I kicked him in the crouch but he didn't react. Then I kicked him in the torso to knock him back by several yards before backing off myself to be safe.

"So that's what you gave up" I said

"Shut up!" he yelled

"Maybe if you hadn't open the gate, you'd still have your manhood intact"

"I said shut up!"

Then I came right at him and knocked him to the ground.

"Give up?" I said

"Yes, please..."

I was going to walk away when Yenig went Flozell Adams on me by sticking his leg out to trip me over. Once I fell to the ground, that bastard went on to kick me in the knee...

"Son of a bitch, that's a cheap shot!"

Then that DD troll proceeds to kick me in the stomach. I have to roll away to avoid being stomped several times before finally reaching the sword I kicked from him. I slowly got up despite the pain on my right knee as I point the sword at his direction. The troll then shrugged and claps his hands together before placing them to the ground to transmute another sword. I blocked his swing and then I was able to fend him off for few minutes before holding down his blade. There I clocked him in the face with my left fist.

As he stumbles backwards, I dug the sword to the ground and held on to the handle while leaping to the side and kick him like that stickman from Xiao Xiao 3. Once it's over, Yenig got up and runs off like a coward. Another battle won but this time with a huge cost, due to that cheap shot me made I could barely stand straight due to the pain in my right knee, I hope it's not serious. Lesson to be learn, late hits are one thing since you cannot control yourself in split second while in full speed after the quarterback has thrown the ball, but stick your leg out to trip someone after you got beat...as the caretaker would said "It's un-American".

I hope Flozell gets fined and suspended for that and the Cowboys fans who defends Flozell Adams can go and fuck themselves!


Posted by Idiot-Finder - September 16th, 2009


No, still no lead on Chris Beer's whereabouts, but I did had a confrontation with his "mini-me" yesterday. I was at the store loitering when I saw a midget trying to reach for a box of cereal. I took a cereal from the shelf and gave it to him, he was ready to thank me when he saw my face and then...

"You!"

Then I recognized that face...

"Wait a minute...you're Chris Beer...only shorter!"

"You have been trying to put my birth parent behind bars long enough, now it's ti-" before he got interrupted

Everyone heard what he said and start laughing

"Birth parent?!"

"Bwahahahahaha!"

"Is he that pregnant man from the newspaper?"

Mini-me fumed and starts screaming "Stop making fun of my master!"

Then I said "So you're his mistress?"

Everyone broke out in laughter even that joke wasn't that funny, but he's a midget so...yeah. Then that midget tries to attack me but I Scott Norwood him across the store and almost to the glass...only to swerve wide right to a stack of canned goods near the entrance. Honestly who puts a stack of canned goods close to the entrance? Seriously!

The midget got up and starts charging at me again screaming "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Then a janitor came and mopped him up, we waited until the police arrived and that's the end of that. Afterward I start taking a walk outside before coming upon a cigarette company building, out of curiosity I took a peek inside. What I just saw inside will make me hate cigarettes more than ever as you'll know why.

Here's what I overheard:

"So is plan G ready?"

"Yes, once we successfully fire our cigar-scud at the public schools, the kids will become addicted to our cancer-producing products although what doesn't cause cancer nowadays?"

Everyone starts laughing

"So Adrian whatshisname..."

"It's Wojnarowski! Get it right!"

"Sorry but how about that scathing article you wrote about Michael Jordan? Now many people have turned against him for something he didn't mean"

"Yeah, I'm sick of how he keeps overshadowing my beloved Kobe Bryant so i decide to slander him and so far it worked!"

Hearing this, I start seething with rage.

"Once plan G is done, plan E will be next in which you will write an article criticizing the anti-smoking campaign to further our cause"

"Indeed I will"

"Now get going before everyone in America will notice that you've been missing"

Then Adrian whatshisname left

"I knew it!" I said to myself

Just to let you know, Michael Jordan's HOF speech isn't insulting, he was stating how he used those situations as a way to motivate himself to get through the obstacles. Only one he did dissed was Krause but he deserved it for what he did to the Bulls, ever notice how they stunk immediately after winning in 1998? Decline is one thing but what the fuck was that? Even Frank Cashen wasn't that bad, at least the Mets were competitive for sometime after winning the title in 1986. It'll take a long time to explain through all those details of the fall of the Chicago Bulls so...yeah.

I was ready to follow Adrian whatshisname's car when I notice a window was opened. I quickly hid behind the bushes.

"That's a cute puppy there"

"It's a welsh corgi"

"How well can you throw?"

"Well enough"

Then someone threw a dog out the window and a gunshot is heard, the dog blew up into hundreds of meat chunks. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, they killed a dog...

"Here's my last one"

"What is that? A cross-breed with a fox?"

"No, it's a Japanese Akita, it'll grow huge one day if we give it a chance"

"That explains those red furs, too bad we won't give it a chance"

Then they chuckled

As one was ready to toss a dog into the air, I crept closer and closer until...

A dog was thrown into the air

"It's away!" the nutcase shouts

I quickly jumped and caught the dog before his partner open fire.

"What the hell are you doing? More importantly how the hell did you get pass our security?"

"The back door" I joked

"Guards! Don't let him escape!"

A dozen men came and surround me, I took out a gun and point it at them. They all backed off, some security they have there. A kid was passing by and I stopped him saying "Here you go" handing him a dog.

"Thanks mister! Mom is lonely"" he said before running off

Then I decided to have some fun, I put my gun back and said "Truth is there's no ammo, can't believe you idiots fell for it!"

They call came running toward me, with my martial arts skills I was able to subdue them.

Then the executive from the cigarette company starts screaming at me as I was walking away "You won't get away with this! One day you will regret this!"

"Sure, what are the odds of that?" I said

Later that evening as I was on my way back to the hotel, several people on motorcycles starts circling around me, all wearing San Diego Charger jerseys. Since when does New Zealand knows about American football?

Eventually they stopped and one of them said "We are the new generations of Charger fans, we have know about your exploits as your reputation have preceded you...Giants fan"

"Want do you want?" I said

"We were vacationing when we got a word of what you did several hours ago, you are to surrender to us and maybe we'll let you off with a light sentence for murdering one of our own in Hong Kong"

"If I refuse?"

"Then you will face the consequence, think about it"

Then they drove away.