"Oh come on, the guy was blonde and white, this makes him a Nazi and that's why I turned him into one!" said Nick Spencer.
Having enough of the lecture of why he character assassinated Captain America, I summoned a half naked purple man and began to start wailing on him.
Then just before delivering another blow, I stopped time.
"Star Platinum: Za Warudo!"
Then I had the stand to pummel frozen Nick Spencer who was still in the air for another five seconds before time resumes and deliver the final blow that sends him into the sky. Then out of nowhere I could hear the narrator yelling...
Nick Spencer unable to recover, may never write again...
Badly beaten, Gar Forman lies face down with a curb right in front of him as his partner in crime, John Paxson slowly bleeds to death from all the penetrations of the scarlet needles shot into his body over a dozen times. At that point I dragged Forman's head to the curb and said, "Bite down!"
Seeing that he didn't comply, I kicked him in the stomach and yell, "Fucking bite down!"
Once Forman does what he was told, I put my foot onto his head and said, "Say hello to your dentist for me."
One day in a remote island in the middle of the Pacific, a large group of people wearing jerseys of Lebron James panics and tries in vain to find a way to escape. However, even if there had been time...enough time for them to think of a way to leave the island, it could never happen as all the trees were removed to make it impossible for them to find a material to build a makeshift raft.
Within seconds, the entire surface of the island explodes, resulting in a mushroom cloud rising from where the Lebron James fans used to be.
That day, the U.S. is short of another MOAB.
After several clashes between their lightsabers in that fateful duel, Matt Furie said, "Your power is weak young frog, I have created you and I shall kill you...not because I've caved into the esjaydoubleyew's demands, I mean why would anyone think that?"
Pepe then sighed and said, "By saying that, it made you sound even more suspicious and that makes me feelsbadman."
"Then let me end your misery!" Furie yelled as he swung his lightsaber at Pepe, only for the frog to block it with his own.
“If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
Hearing this, Furie became nervous but however knowing what the esjay stormtroopers will do if he doesn't finish off his former friend, he regained composure and was ready to strike when to his surprise, Pepe didn't fight back. Before he knew it, his lightsaber have already struck the frog.
But what happens next will make Pepe's action look like nothing. Amidst the celebration by the stormtroopers, Matt Furie went to kick around the pile of clothes where Pepe used to be, wondering what the hell just happened.
"Hello, this is Franchesca Ramsey and I'm here to tell you the awfulness of white people and how they should all die."
Then the promo clip for the latest season ends.
Before watching the latest webisodes of "Decoded", I went to the kitchen to get a can of coke before heading to the living room to fetch a large bag of popcorn I had prepared for the potential shitstorm when the new Barbie was to come out before Chuck Schumer's relative backed out for some reason (yeah I was bummed about that since I was looking forward to the circus over the internet). Once that was done, I click on the icon for the webisode from MTV and crack the can of cold bubbly to enjoy the party.
I'm looking forward to an upcoming spinoff of "Decoded" titled "Whitey Ford, the original Jontron? We have proof because of his name!"
Though admittingly I did a spit take when I saw the title because...isn't Whitey his nickname?
Note: I actually used to like Creed, but that's before Stapp went insane however...
One night, couple of hikers got lost in their quest to find the legendary front man of once popular Christian rock band when one of them heard a growl.
"Dude!" one of them said.
"What?" his friend asked.
"If you're hungry just keep it to yourself, no one else needs to hear it!"
"But that wasn't me!"
The hikers turns to see a grizzly bear standing right behind them.
Note: What should've happened in the infamous Chick Tract titled Lisa.
Henry was limping toward his home while his blood continues to drip from his face just before the man's legs gave out. After laying there for few minutes, a passerby calls from the nearby payphone and later, Henry was rushed to the hospital where he would spend several days eating through a straw. Despite his family being notified, no one comes to visit until one night when someone enters through the 3rd story window.
Hearing the sound of a window being forced open, Henry wakes up to see someone entering through the open window and upon his horror, it's his assailant from the week before. Remembering the warning the stranger gave him after pummeling him in the dark alley that night, Henry struggles to reach for the nurse call button on the television control right next to him, only to fumble the control.
Next thing Henry knows, the stranger then grabs him by his neck and said in a growling tone, "I know it's not over."
"The reason is that you have relapsed before and the doctor who attempted to help you through religion have been dismissed for not being able to separate his personal beliefs from his job."
Unable to speak, all Henry could do was whimper.
"However..." the stranger continues, "Because you have also been blackmailed by your neighbor who enabled your despicable act, you have done yourself a favor by telling me his name that night and I have already taken care of him. He will no longer be able to walk anymore and this should give you a much better chance of changing for the better so you better not make me regret this."
"Because if you ever touch your daughter again, I will kill you, understand?"
Henry fearfully nods.
Soon, the man in black with his eyes completely covered by a headpiece walks to the window where he then climbs out, never to be seen again as Henry kept his promise for good.
However, the trauma will remain for the rest of his life, as it should be.
After breaking into Joe Girardi's house last night, knocking him out and managed to find where he hid that binder that helped him lose games for the Yankees for the past few seasons, I made my way out and got back into my vehicle. Just before I was ready to drive away, I could hear Girardi yelling and see him running toward my car so I turned on the ignition keys and drove away without carefully moving the car from where it's parked due to being in a hurry. For a moment I could see the manager of the New York Yankees trying to chase me by foot from the side mirror but it didn't take long to lose him.
After about half an hour or so, I found a field where I then parked the car.
"Finally, something that has to be done years ago!" I thought to myself.
I walked into the field with a binder in one hand and a cigarette lighter in the other. After pulling out some dried grass, I create an open space where I would then place the binder onto the ground, cover it with hay I pulled out and proceed to light it on fire with my lighter...
One night in Pyongyang, North Korea, the ill-equipped security forces were struggling to fight off a horde of deformed looking magical girls as well as a group of undead, each of whom happens to be wearing what looks like a black dress. One by one, the security team were overwhelmed by the strange threat as the last one would be blasted to bits by what resembles a doll with a deformed looking face uttering the same word over and over.
Kim Jong-Un have been in his wine cellar for hours wondering whether or not the members of the security team have been taking some drugs as what he had heard from the transmitter sounds ridiculously inane even for his level of standards which isn't that easy. After seconds of bloodcurdling screams by the security team, all what's left at that point was static...
"Hello? Hello? Answer me damn it or I'll have all of you send to the gulag!"
There's still no answer.
"That's it, gulag it is!"
"To think someone would go through all this just to pull a prank, it ain't scaring me!"
After minutes of talking to himself in the wine cellar, Kim began to spend time reading his porno magazines he kept in the shelves behind dozen of bottles of Hennessy and Cognac when his alone time came to an abrupt end as the door was suddenly knocked right off the hinges. The North Korean dictator panicked as he tries to hide his porn stash and zip up his pants while yelling, "Son of a bitch!"
"Magical~" someone growled.
Kim recognized the voice and quickly calms down to see his surprise guest.
"Wait...Dennis? What a relief, I wasn't expecting...why are you wearing that black dress? Are you cosplaying as a magical girl or something?" the dictator asked.
The former basketball star slowly walks toward Kim and utters the same word as before, "Magical~"
"Magical? What magical?"
Kim walks toward his friend and to the North Korean dictator's horror...part of the prolific rebounder's head was missing!
"D-Dennis...what happened to you? Are you alright? Does it hurt?"
However, the only answer he would get is the same as before...
Soon, the worm was joined by several other cross dressers and to the dictator's further horror, some of them were members of his security team.
Kim then pulls out his gun and open fire, hitting some of the cross dressers with little or no effect as they were nothing more but victims of the magical girl invasion now turned into zombies.
Kim backed away and empties his weapon before dropping it and scream.
Note: The draft of the initial version is left rotting in Taskey as the site crapped out due to maintenance error before I could finish it so for the time being this will have to do.
I went to the arcade to help take my mind off of certain things, especially after watching a sports news on ESPN about a certain quarterback of the Cleveland Browns taking a dump. Do people really need to hear about that? They even described how it looked before the toilet flushed.
I went to try out the arcade basketball game so I deposited two tokens to begin the 30 seconds game. For some reason there was an odd feeling on my hands while holding the ball but I didn't think anything of it as I was focusing on trying to make a shot.
After seconds went by, I made shot after shot and once the time was up, I look up the score and it reads, "30"
"Wow, I have a really good day." I thought.
But then an employee of the arcade comes toward me and said, "Did you realize what you just did?"
Confused, I shrugged and said, "What?"
"Not only that you broke the previous record of most points scored in this game in our arcade, you have also set the record for consecutive shots made!"
Surprised, I said, "Really? Are you serious?"
"I am serious, you have made 15 consecutive shots, the previous record was 12 by Craig Ostertag."
"Then that...cool I guess."
"Just stay here for a bit, we need to contact the previous champion."
Then I waited.
An hour later, the arcade manager comes in and said, "Are you the person who broke the record?"
"Yes." I answered.
"Okay, we'll need to check the psi of each ball to make sure it's in the right regulation or otherwise, we'll have to revoke the record." said the manager.
Surprised at what I just heard, I asked, "Why? Is something wrong?"
The manager answers, "When we contacted Ostertag, he was livid and demand that we check the psi of each ball. If any one of the balls happens to be below the regulation, the record won't count."
Then he continues, "And for that, you will be banned for your disgusting and vicious cheating which has desecrated the proud integrity of the arcade!"
I laughed and said, "Really? Are you serious? You have got to be kidding right?"
The manager's facial expression remain unchanged.
"You are kidding are you? I understand voiding the record but isn't the ban a bit too harsh?" I said as my smile begin to fade.
"You're not kidding?"
Then suddenly, someone walked by us with a force enough to knock over a shelf.
"What is the result?" he yelled.
"What is the result of the test? Is the ball deflated or not?"
I looked at the person and could see him holding a giant bag.
"Yes, it's him, the legend himself." said the manager.
I looked around and leaned toward the manager's ears, "Pssst, is he related to a certain draft bust who played for the Utah Jazz?" I whispered.
The manager looked at me in shock and start waving his arms at me.
"Don't say it in front of him, he hates it when people mistaken him as a relative of the guy for having the same surname!" he whispered back in panic.
Ostertag sneezed and yell, "Okay, who the hell talking about me behind my back?"
I didn't think that sort of thing is actually real.
"I mean it, answer me! Is it you?" Ostertag points his finger at a skinny teenager who started to piss himself.
"Oh, so it is you isn't it?"
The teenager begins to panic and said, "I swear, it wasn't me...NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
Everyone looked on in terror as Ostertag continues to work up the teen for another several minutes until a bloody carcass was thrown right next to the pinball machine.
I tipped my cap toward the beaten teen and thought, "Thank you stranger, your sacrifice won't be in vain."
One of the employees then comes in and said, "We have finished measuring each of the balls...one of them happens to be 2 psi under regulation."
Everyone then gasped in horror and turn their attention towards me.
Then Ostertag gave me a nasty look and said, "So, it was you!"
The former champion then opens the bag he happens to carry, dropping dozens of balls onto the floor and they each bounced like a superball.
He gave an evil grin and said, "There is no way you could have beaten my record without cheating you dirty punk, now try beating my record fair and square...oh wait, you can't because you're banned!"
"What the fuck are you talking about? The ball was like that when I got there!" I yelled.
I started to look around and said, "C'mon people, you can't be serious! How can you think I would somehow deflate the ball by couple of psi? How can I? You've got to believe me!"
However, everyone slowly backed away from me.
Ostertag gave out a really annoying laugh before tossing a ball to me and I smacked it right back, causing the ball to sail over his head and hits one of the patrons in the face.
Everyone gave out a loud gasp and annoyed by such nonsense, I said, "So this is how it is, fine then, you can all die in a fire for all I care!"
Just when I started to leave, I didn't notice some of the balls lying on the floor and I slipped.
That's what everyone let out another loud gasp.
"This man...he stepped on Craig's balls!"
"You stepped on Craig's balls!"
"You're a monster for stepping on Craig's balls!"
I got up to see people looking at me in clear disdain.
Ostertag then said, "So you just had to defile my balls didn't you? Disgusting filth like you should be destroyed!"
Angered by this, I picked up one of the balls and punt it toward its owner, only for it to hit the ceiling and bounce right in front of him instead...
Ostertag then grabs the ball and toss it right at me, but I smacked it right back at the former champ who then catches it with one hand before popping it at ease.
"This ball have been dirtied by the likes of you." he snared.
"You better keep away from the rest of my balls or you will pay!" he continued.
"How much?" I asked.
"How much? You said I would pay if I keep touching your balls so how much?"
Ostertag's face reddened and said, "You think this is funny? I oughta kick your ass right now!"
Feeling a sense of recklessness, I said, "I would like to see you try...draft bust!"
"What did you say?"
"Draft bust, you know the chump who used to play for the Utah Jazz back in the 1990s."
Ostertag then send his fist through the plastic board that was right besides him for some reason and said, "I had enough of this shit during elementary school because of my last name, you're fucking dead I tell you!"
But then he slipped on one of his balls and fell.
Having enough of this, I decided that it's best to leave before he recovers so I kicked away several balls on the floor right in front of me (not exactly sure why he brought them in the first place though I can guess the reasons) and another loud gasp ensued.
"What now?" I sighed.
One of the patrons then said, "You kicked Craig's balls."
"You kicked his balls..."
"You just kicked Craig's balls!"
Then Ostertag got up and said, "You think I'm going to let you get away with this?"
He then reached into his pocket and pull out a container of cheese spread with a panda logo on it.
"Hey, I know this is getting ridiculous so...how about a peace offering?"
I fell backward in surprise.
I thought he was going to attack me but instead he offered to end the nonsense. Happy and excited at this, I took the cheese spread container and gave the guy a hug which I knew doesn't look right but still, try to understand the joy I felt when something like that would happen.
I shook Ostertag's hand and said, "Thanks, I couldn't believe...but...still to think you want bygones be bygones, thank you man!"
I pocketed the container and left the arcade though I looked back to see a sheer disappointment on his face which confused me for a bit but I thought nothing of it until I left the mall which I realize it was getting late. Knowing that I have to head on home before it gets even darker, I made my way toward the subway station when I notice the funky smell from the container I pocketed.
I checked the date and realize the cheese have been past expiration so I threw it into the nearest waste basket. That's when the street lamps suddenly lit up and there's a giant panda standing right in front of me as "True Love Ways" by Buddy Holly started to play out of nowhere...