Last week while preparing for my flight to New Zealand to find that portal spammer known as Chris Beer, I was at the airport waiting for the plane to New Zealand to arrive. I decide to go the restroom to relieve myself (I don't trust the bathroom in the plane) when I saw Larry Craig leaving the men's room. He was muttering to himself, "My career's gone, my career's gone..."

"Hey, aren't you that gay senator?" I yelled

The reporter nearby must've heard it because soon afterwards...

"Larry Craig's here? Everybody, Larry Craig is in the airport, get the camera ready!"

"Thanks a lot kid, just what I need...another media attention!" the gay senator growled before taking off with massive media mob chasing him.

Knowing that Larry Craig's encounter will be overshadowed by Michael Jackson's death, I shrugged and went to the restroom. Sometime later, I went back to the terminal where the plane was supposed to arrive when it's been announced there's a delay. They said the delay may last for few hours so I decided that I might as well take a look around the airport when I saw someone gestering me to come with him.

"Kekekekeke come over here"

"Why?"

"Kekekeke trust me or I'll kick your ass"

"That won't make me come any closer"

"Damn it just come and follow me, it's important"

"I'll might as well"

I decided to follow him just to know what was going on and then it happened, a portal appears right in front of me. The stranger then jump into the portal saying "Kekekekeke..."

"What the...wait!" as I jump in after him and then I blacked out

As I started to regain consciousness, I heard someone talking to me

"Are you okay? New here?"

"Kekekekeke he did came after all"

I woke up and to my surprise, there's a Mudkip and Gengar in front of me

"WTF? What the hell happened and where am I?" I yelled before realizing gengar is taller than I am

I went to take a look at the puddle and saw munchlax

"Do not fear, there's a reason why it happened?" a female voice spoke

I look up and it's Ninetales

"What are you talking about?"

"Few weeks ago, several humans have found their way into our world, they have such advanced technology that all our attacks are useless and they were able to force out those who inhabited the northern part of this world"

"Couldn't the legendaries do something about that?"

"The part taken over also includes Mt. Freeze and Sky Tower, Rayquaza tried to stop them but was never seen again, I myself barely escaped with help from the others"

Then Gardevoir came and said "Not only that, there's a strange foul creature we fought but no matter how badly we damaged it, it still recovers and devours everything in sight"

"Devours everything in sight?" I said

"Those tried to stop it were devoured" said Ninetales

"I'm not going to be much help if you guys can't stop it, I'm a Munchlax now"

Then Xatu who have been still for all this time break it's silence by saying "You will go through several stages as a human, soon the path will be clear"

"Eh?"

"You'll find out soon, right now you wait until then" said Ninetales

After few days of staying over at Mudkip's place doing practically nothing but sleeping

"How long are you going to stay here? I thought were going to do something fun" he moaned

"How should I know? I never asked to be here and on what Xatu said, I'm as clueless as you are"

Then suddenly there's been an attack, someone burst through the wall and it's...

"It's that monster!" Mudkip screamed

I recognized that monster, it's Gluttony!

"Can I eat them?" he said

Mudkip used waterpulse on Gluttony, but then his mouth grew up to show a huge eye in the middle.

"What was that?" mudkip screamed

"Mudkip, get the hell out of there!" I yelled

"No, I learned few years ago not to run away, I'm not a coward anymore" the idiot screamed as he charged toward the homuculus

"Wait!"

It's too late, he got sucked in. Soon afterwards I felt myself being pulled toward Gluttony as well and struggled to break free. Soon Flygon flew in and tried to pull me away but then both of us got sucked in and for a moment it's all darkness. As I woke up, I found myself lying on what I thought was few inches of some liquid, when I looked down to my horror it's actually...blood! To make things worse, there's human skeletons as well.

"Where the hell am I?" I yelled

Then I heard a somber voice saying "Is anyone there? I want to go home"

Hearing this, I said "Keep talking, I'll follow your voice"

"Who are you? I can't see you, it's too dark"

Then I saw a light up ahead

"No need to worry, there's a light, follow it!"

After reaching the place, turns out Flygon was there and it lit a old wooden house on fire. Also that voice was mudkip's and I noticed he's shorter, I look at my self and realized I'm human again.

"Who are you?" he said

"Why do you live in a place where hardly anyone's around? Also charging toward a hole is a stupid move" I answered

"It's you" he cried as he jumped on me, knocking me down in a process before continuing "Why didn't you run? Why..." before sobbing

"Alright, quit the waterworks, we need to find a way out"

"If we can find one" said Flygon

"Eh?"

"I searched everywhere, don't know if there's a way out of here"

Then Mudkip whimpered "D-does that mean we'll die there?"

"That's not what I s-"

Flygon was interrupted by Mudkip's screaming and so I picked him up and shake him

"Stop crying! We'll find a way out, trust me kid!"

Then he calm down a bit and said "We will?"

"Um...yeah" I said, unsure of myself, even I didn't know if there's a chance that we'll make it out alive

Then I remember something, I reach into my pocket and found a lighter

"So...for all this time?"

"What's wrong?" said Mudkip

"Nothing" I said while trying to forget the fact that I could've use the lighter to make a torch from something I could pick up

Then something caught my eye, as the flames began to dim there's a small pouch on the ground filled with red stones. Upon closer look I realize it's the philosopher's stones, having no time to explain, I said "I just found a way to get us out of here"

"You did? How?"

I show them the stones and told them about the history of the philosopher's stone and so on. Not surprisingly they got freaked out when I told them about how the stones were made from.

"Get rid of those!" Flygon ordered

"Do you want to get out or not?" I said

"Not with those, if you don't throw these things out I'll..."

He got cut off by an eery sound "Feed...feed...feed..."

"Oh no"

"So scared" Mudkip whimpered

"What are they?" Flygon yelled

I realized we've been surrounded by the immortal soldiers injected with the components of the stone itself

"We'll have to go now, I have to use the stones!" I said before drawing a transmutation circle

I learned bit of alchemy myself three years ago, long story so to make it short...I met someone from the alternate universe. No idea who he is, dude left after teaching me few basics of alchemy.

I placed the stones on the circle and said "Here goes nothing"

The transmutation begins, huge light starts flashing and my arms grew numb. Moments later a whirlpool appears, knowing it'll close up any minute I had to convince the two to jump in before it's too late. Maybe it would've been better if I had kept the information regarding the philosopher's stone to myself until after we got out, because of that they're reluctant to do so. Maybe I should've lie to them before telling them the truth, but it's too late and at this point there's one thing left to do.

"Jump into the portal, it's our only way out!" I yelled

"No, you used stones made from the dead to open it, it could send us to the wrong place!"

Angry I grabbed a petrified Mudkip and threw him into the whirlpool where he dissolves

Flygon became angry and said "You bastard! I won't let you get away with this!"

Knowing it's my chance to save that stubborn pokemon, I said "I just did" before jumping right in

Flygon did what I was hoping he would do, he tried to pull me out but was dragged in as well and soon afterwards what I saw is bright light and a huge eye looking right at me. Soon there's a giant door right in front of me, later it opens up and small black arms start pulling me in. For a while everything's all dark then suddenly...all three of us were thrown out of the homuculus' mouth. As I got up, I saw Gluttony on the floor with his hands on his belly, eventually he begins to disintegrate and that's the last of him.

"Everyone alright?"

Mudkip's out cold but Flygon slowly got up and said "Y-you fool, almost got u-us all kil..." before collapsing in pain.

"But we made it back, that's what mattered"

After two days recuperating, I decided to set out to the sky tower to face those villians. While doing so, Flygon flew by and said "While I don't like you for what you did, you also saved us back there so I'll get you to the sky tower"

"Thanks"

"But because our attacks are useless due to the field they placed, I'll have to drop you off right in front of the tower, you'll have to go in yourself"

"I'm ready for that, how's Mudkip anyway?"

Flygon flew off before I asked this question. Now I get Xatu's prediction, what I don't get is how did I still understand what the pokemons are saying? Now I know how Eddie Murphy felt in a same situation (sort of). As I enter the sky tower, a dagger flew by and narrowly missed as it hits the entrance door.

"What a pleasant surprise, a guest"

The light's been switched on and it's a French dude armed with several daggers

"For what reason you came here, I won't let you pass" he said as he throws another dagger

I dodged it and hits the window sill instead

"This time I won't miss" as he throws three more daggers

I barely managed to avoid the three as one of them grazed my cheek. Then I quickly took one of the daggers from the window sill and threw it at the attacker, unfortunately due to the fact that my arm strength sucked, the dagger land several feet in front of him. Seeing this, the dagger thrower sweat dropped.

"Seriously? In case you're wondering yes I'm not really French or otherwise the accent would've been stereotypical and I would've surrendered long time ago, my mother is however"

"What are you telling me this?"

"I thought it would be fair if I let my enemy know before I end it" he sneered as he throws another three daggers I would dodge by jumping over them

"You can't win!" as he throws two more

I dodged the two like the scene from Matrix

"Crap! No!" the dagger thrower screams as he realize he ran out of daggers to throw

As he reach for the one I threw, I quickly ran toward the thrower and head-butted him. Soon afterwards he collapse to the floor and tries to retreat. But before he could do so, I grabbed him by the shirt and said "Who's in charge? What's your purpose? Why did you took over the sky tower and Mt. Freeze?"

"I'll answer once I have a smoke" he said

I let him go and he took out a cigarette

"Got light?"

I took out my lighter and after taking a puff, he begins to act funny and said "Fuck you!" before falling to the ground dead with foam in his mouth

This is the second time someone I interrogated does that, like before it's a cyanide cigarette. Figure I would learn my lesson from last time but apparently I didn't. So I made my way to the second floor, the room have been refurbished into a pub. Then a man in a tuxedo appears, without introducing himself he threw poker cards at me. I was able to jump out of the way, but then he threw another round and I caught some of the cards, including one with my teeth.

"All aces" he said

I look at the cards and he's right, all aces of spades

Then he begins to inhale and blow flames at me, my jacket caught on fire forcing me to stop, drop, and roll. Then I remember something, seeing that we're in a pub, I waited until he blew second round of flame at me and I jumped away to grab a liquor bottle. The bottle's quarter full for some reason but I quickly took a swig, a soon the gambler blew another flame at me, I spit the liquor at him and he jump out of the way to avoid getting burned by his own flames.

"Impressive, too bad the bottle's empty" he said

He's right, the bottle is empty, with that I grabbed another bottle next to me and took a swig, gulping it down by accident when I notice the drink taste kinda funny. I look at the bottle and read the label, to my horror I realized I took a bottle of corrosive fluid!

"Corrosive fluid!" I gasped and started to feel sick

"What an idiot, I'll just end it slowly right here!" the gambler said as he prepares to blow a final flame at me

Quickly I land a huge blow to my stomach and blew the fluid at the gambler as be blew the flame, soon his body caught on fire.

"This is why you should never play with fire" I said as I made my way to the third floor while the gambler falls out of the window.

Third floor, no one here so I made my way to the fourth floor with same result. I was wondering why the third and fourth floor were left unoccupied as I made my way to the fifth floor. This time there's someone waiting for me at the fifth floor, a man in a japanese military uniform. For some reason he was just standing here, not taking any chance, I kicked him in the face three times, but he stood there unfazed and all he did was cracking his neck. Then in a split second he jump-kicked me and I was knocked across the room right in front of the stairs I climbed.

I got back up and gestered him to bring it on. The japanese brute then walk toward me and I begin attacking him head on, but he blocked my punches, picked me up, and threw me against the wall.

"I could've finished you off by throwing you down the stairs, but that would be too easy" he said

I slowly got up and noticed the opponent is positioned right in front of the stairs I climbed, this gives me an idea. I know it won't be easy seeing that I used that technique once before against Zen444 in Somalia few months ago. I positioned myself several feet in front of him before charging directly towards him. The japanese brute smirks and said "Your attack is too direct, time to fin...what the?!" as I leaped over him and caught his neck with my legs and grabs his feet. Soon we curled up like a ball and I used his body as a shield as we roll down the stairs to the fourth floor, then to the third, and then to the second where it finally stops.

I got up and grew dizzy before heading to the stairs to climb up to the third floor. As I made my way to the fourth floor, it turns out the japanese dude is still alive and he took out his kantana before angrily charging right at me. Quickly I took off my belt and used it to disarm him before breaking his neck afterwards. Then I grew tired and climb to the fifth floor to take a break until I decided that I'll be ready to face my next opponent. You know the concept seemed familiar for some reason, I was wondering why before realizing that the only thing's missing is that yellow track suit.

After resting for few hours, I climbed several floors to the eighth and to my surprise...

"We meet again!" said dickneck

"Dickneck?"

"Stop calling me dickneck!" he screams

Soon he stretches his neck toward me, but I kicked it right back at him.

"Ow, you'll pay for that" he shouts as he stretches his neck toward me again

I headbutted him saying "You could've had a V8!"

"I had enough of this!" dickneck screams as he stretches his neck again, again, and again but with same result

"Just give it up dickneck" I said

"I am not dickneck, I am a human being!" he screams

"Just give up"

"No!" as he proceeds to stretch his neck once again

I side-stepped out of the way and his head ends up out of the window, soon his body was dragged out along with it.

"I will get my revenge..." dickneck screams as he falls several story out of the window

So I made my way to the ninth floor and there's a Kareem Abdul-Jabbar look-alike waiting for me. I went to attack him but he kicked me away. After I got up, he went to kick me again but then I dodged it and knocked him off his feet. Quickly I used my feet to lock his leg so immobolize him for a while before letting go to get out of the way. Then he got up and tries to kick me but I blocked it and land a blow to his stomach before knocking him down. I stood back to let him recover, then he tried to kick me again but with same result and knocked him down with a swift kick to the head despite his height.

Then I tried to attack him but he flipped me over and begins to push my head toward a shard of broken vase. Then I slowly flipped myself over to a head-stand position and kicked fake Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, forcing him to let me go. After recovering, he went after me with series of rapid high-kicks which I had to dodge. Soon as I was dodging him, he accidently kicked a window and a sunlight shone through, blinding him. With the black guy distracted I jump kicked him to the ground and proceeds to break his neck.

Exhausted from a fight with a fake Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, I went to the sky tower summit above the ninth floor before taking a break. After another few hours have passed, I continue on my journey to the top to put the end to whatever whoever's been doing when I heard a conversation nearby.

"You know, you two were supposed to dispose those evidence secretly, how did you guys managed to get caught last year?"

"Yes but what happened is that someone called the cops, we didn't know ho..." followed by a gunshot

I crept closer to see what was going on, to my surprise it's Colonel Stuart and the two men I beaten up last year in that infamous incident.

Colonel then points the gun at the remaining henchman and said "You know the penalty of failure" as he proceeds to pull the trigger, only a click is heard.

"One more mistake, the gun will have more than one bullet" he said before walking away

The henchman follows him to the top of the summit

"That bastard's still alive?" I said

To those aren't aware, back in Christmas Day of 1989, Colonel Stuart let a renegade group of former members of the U.S. Airforce to take over the Washington Dulles International Airport. It was done so to free a South American dictator and druglord. During the event Stuart was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people and nearly got away with it, but in the end a former police lieutenant John McClane put a stop to this when he blew up the plane with Stuart, the dictator, and his men inside. With that, I couldn't believe that scum is still alive, it can't be possible!

As I follow them to the peak of the summit, there's a generator producing some type of energy field, now I know why the pokemons couldn't do anything. I waited until one of them leaves, Colonel Stuart left his henchman to guard the generator. There I snuck up from behind and threw him off the summit, unfortunately because of the noise...

"What's going on here?" Stuart demanded as he charged back

"What's your plan?" I said

"So you're the one who breach the security and made it all the way, to congratulate you for your efforts, I'll tell you"

So I listened

"Ever since that day my plan have been foiled by that policeman McClane, some of my loyal followers have performed a satanic ritual to bring me back to life"

I was disturbed

He continues "Then few years into plotting my revenge , I heard about the world of pokemon so my men took over several labs and kidnapped several scientists to create a machine that extract the power from the Bermuda Triangle to get there"

"Why?"

"So I can build a secret base and harness the energy from those creatures in this world to take over the world"

"I won't let it happen!"

"You can't stop me" he said as he pulls out a gun at me

I quickly jump right behind the generator as he fires several shots at me before reloading. Quickly seizing my chance, I jumped out and kick the gun off his hand, but unfortunately due to exhaustion from fighting five of his guards, I was getting clobbered. Giving up hope of beating him, I decide to destroy the generator, seeing the alchemy I performed few days before drained most of my energy, I only have one shot (otherwise I would've took out Stuart and his men easily if I'm at least half-full, but give me a break, I'm a human not a robot). I fired a palm blast at the generator and blew it up in the process.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" he screamed

Afterwards he tried to kick me off the cliff of the summit, but I held on to the ledge with my hands.

"Because of you my plan have failed, I will be returning to our world but you won't" as he steps on my fingers until one of my hands lost it's grip.

Due to exhaustion, I wasn't able to hold on for long so my other hand lost it's grip and I begin to fall.

"Happy landing, may we meet again!" he yelled sarcastically

After falling for several hundreds of yards, I land on something and I realize it's Flygon.

"You did it" he said

"But the perpetrator got away" I said

"But if it hadn't been for you, who knows what could've happened to us, not bad for a human" he said

After a while, Flygon landed in where we first came here several days ago. I looked up at the sky and saw Rayquaza flying by, I guess he's freed. Then Ninetales came and said "Our world is saved because of the efforts of you, Flygon, and Mudkip, now that your purpose has been fulfilled you will be returning to your world"

"When?" I said

"Now" said Gardevoir as she creates a portal

Before going in, I turned and said "After a week it good to know you, gonna miss you all"

They nodded with some looking sad

"Kthanx" I said as I jump into the portal

After few minutes I found myself back at the airport, but because of the time I have been missing...I missed the flight. I decided to take a week long break before pursuing Chris Beer, I need to rest for a while, also I just heard what happened so I may have to wait longer before I can go to New Zealand. As I'm writing this (which have been few days), I heard something on the news, something about another bunny invasion...

One night a teenager named Stacy was babysitting her neighbor's kids when a phone rang. Wondering who could be calling in this time, she picks up the phone and said "Hello?"

"I'm coming to get you"

"Who is this?"

The caller hung up without any answer

"Oh well, must've been a nut"

Later that night after putting the children to bed, Stacy received another phone call

"Hello?"

"Anytime now"

"Who is this?"

No answer as the caller hung up

"Guess he's bored"

An hour later Stacy was watching a movie at the living room when the phone rang. Annoyed, she picks up the phone and said "Listen, you better stop this or I'll have the operator trace your call and have the F.B.I. on your ass you psycho!"

"Wait, I was calling you about oxyclean you've ordered, if that's your attitude then forget it!"

"Wait..."

The caller hung up

"Oops"

Few minutes the phone rang

"Hello?"

"Any minute now!"

"Why are you doing this?" Stacy cried

The caller hung up

Scared, she quickly call the operator and tell her about the phone calls she have been receiving. As they're tracing the call...

Meanwhile in one of the kids' bedroom.

"Hello sweet thing, is your parents home?" the stranger asked

"Who are you?" said the kid

"I'm Peter Pan, want to have some fun?" said the creepy stranger as he climbs into the kid's bed

Where Did You Come From Baby
And Ooh Won't You Take Me There
Right Away Won't You Baby
Tendoroni You've Got To Be
Spark My Nature
Sugar Fly With Me
Don't You Know Now
Is The Perfect Time
We Can Make It Right
Hit The City Lights
Then Tonight Ease The Lovin' Pain
Let Me Take You To The Max

The stranger proceeds to suck on the kid's nipple despite being a boy. Soon afterwards they started to go anal on each other.

I Want To Love You (P.Y.T.)
Pretty Young Thing
You Need Some Lovin' (T.L.C.)
Tender Lovin' Care
And I'll Take You There
I Want To Love You (P.Y.T.)
Pretty Young Thing
You Need Some Lovin' (T.L.C.)
Tender Lovin' Care
I'll Shake You There

"Will this make me into a man?" the kid ask

"it will sweety, anywhere you wanna go"

Nothin' Can Stop This Burnin'
Desire To Be With You
Gotta Get To You Baby
Won't You Come, It's Emergency
Cool My Fire Yearnin'
Honey, Come Set Me Free
Don't You Know Now Is The Perfect Time
We Can Dim The Lights
Just To Make It Right
In The Night
Hit The Lovin' Spot
I'll Give You All That I've Got

"I should've brought some wine"

I Want To Love You (P.Y.T.)
Pretty Young Thing
You Need Some Lovin' (T.L.C.)
Tender Lovin' Care
And I'll Take You There
I Want To Love You (P.Y.T.)
Pretty Young Thing
You Need Some Lovin' (T.L.C.)
Tender Lovin' Care
I'll Take You There

"Say na, na, na,"

"Na, na, na,"

"I said na, na, na, na"

"Na, na, na, na,"

"I'll take you there"

I Want To Love You (P.Y.T.)
Pretty Young Thing
You Need Some Lovin' (T.L.C.)
Tender Lovin' Care
And I'll Take You There
I Want To Love You (P.Y.T.)
Pretty Young Thing
You Need Some Lovin' (T.L.C.)
Tender Lovin' Care
I'll Take You There

Back in the kitchen where the babysitter is waiting for the operator's answer

"I'll call the police, just get out of the house now, the phone call's from inside your house"

"Oh my gosh, what about the kids?"

"Forget them, they're as good as dead, run!"

Stacy did as told, moments later the police arrives.

"Young lady, are you okay?" the officer asked

"No, the kids, are they alright?"

"My men will check"

Some time later, Stacy receives an answer she have been waiting for.

"They are, but the window's in one of the room was left open"

"B-but how..."

"Not only that, the kid in that room said something about being touched by a scary man with no nose"

"Did you guys catch him?"

"No, that's the problem, there's one person match that description...and he's been dead for days"

This morning I was taking a walk to the park to exercise myself after few days of doing nothing. After running up the hill in Forest Park, I decide to go back to buy a newspaper. On my way back I notice there's something blocking the path. I moved forward to see what it was when I accidently tripped, there I realize how lucky I was. A small pin shot out from a mysterious object hits a jogger and became paralyzed instantly.

"What the?"

Soon the cloud moves away and a beam of sunlight shines to the strange figure, it's shedinja.

"Damn it, what the hell is it doing here in our world?"

A kids comes up and said "Cool a giant bug!"

"Wait, don't look from behind!"

It's too late, after looking at the hole from behind, the kid falls lifelessly to the ground.

"Idiot!"

Soon I had to jump out of the way to avoid a barrage of poison stings. Seeing that I have no choice, I decide to use my energy blast (despite not fully recovered enough to use kamehameha). I stood back and clenched my fist, after few seconds it begins to glow.

"Time to end this" I said

Then I fired massive blasts from my fist and struck a phantom bug pokemon dead on. As the smoke clear...

Shedinja survived without a scatch!

"NO WAY!"

Soon I fired another blast with same result

"How many times do I have to blast this thing until it's dead?"

"As long it have Wonder Guard, there's nothing you can do to kill it"

I turn around and saw a strange person wearing black outfit.

"Who are you?"

"I'm really impressed, in place of pokemon in our world, there's humans with supernatural powers in your world"

"Are you responsible for this?"

"What are you going to do about it?"

"If you don't stop this I'll kick the living crap out of you!"

"That won't happen, in a minute my time will be up"

"Why?"

"I have this device..." as he shows me his watch-like device on his wrist "...once it's up I'll be teleported back to my world, but however shedinja will stay because I have always wonder what will happen once I return with my associates" before breaking down to laugher

"You son of a bitch!" as I ran toward him, but he disappeared in a second

Soon I wasn't able to move my feet and fell to the ground. I got hit with string shot by shedinja, this isn't good at all. Even with my full powered kamehameha it'll still won't work due to that Wonder Guard protecting it. To buy enough time to free myself, I fired another blast at the pokemon and was covered by a cloud of smoke.

"No good" I mumbled, it's too sticky

Then my luck changed, a pigeon land next to me

"It may have germs but it's the only chance I got" as I grabbed the feathered rat

As the rats-with-wings struggled to escape, the smoke clears and I flung it at shedinja. The projectile struck target and soon the pokemon falls to the ground dead. Now it's finally over and I was able to cut myself loose with a sharp stick on the ground. The paramedics arrived and took a paralyzed man away on a stretcher. The kid's apparently alright too seeing that after shedinja is killed, soul it sucked out returned to it's body.

After arriving home I received a phone call from Poozy, he found a lead. I'm going to New Zealand to help find Chris Beer although he told me to stay out of this because the F.B.I. are involved.

I was at the mall earlier this afternoon with nothing to do when I heard a scream. I was at the food court when it happened and I ran to see what was going on, but no one paid any attention so I decided it's probably someone screaming because she got dumped. After returning to the food court to find some jackass stole my burger and fries, I was ready to find that bastard when another scream occurs, this time they noticed. I rush to where many people are gathering, there some dude in a Tinky Winky costume armed with a hockey stick.

I went to confront the costumed lunatic by shoving people out of the way and said "Who the hell are you?"

"Tinky"

"Not much of a talker I see"

Some idiot ran in yelling "Don't worry, I'll kick his ass"

"Wait!"

It was too late, the purple teletubby swung his hockey stick and guts the random idiot who was trying to stop him.

"Tinky Winky" as he ready to swing his hockey stick at me

"Back away people!"

I dodged the swing and narrowly did the same to the second swing

"Tinky Winky"

"Alright Tinky Winky, it's time to get serious!"

"Tinky Winky"

Soon group of security guards came and tackles him, but with amazing strength the purple teletubby threw them off his back. As he was ready to pick up the hockey stick, I kicked it away from him before using palm strike on him to the stomach...only to learn the costume is double padded. Soon he knocked me to the ground, I rolled away before he can stomp me and got up soon afterwards. Because the costume is extra thick, I can't take him on hand-to-hand, also thanks to Bloomberg raping the police budget, the security guards are useless.

"You, call 9/11" I yelled

"I already did, but I have to answer those five questions without getting any of them wrong!"

"What?!"

"I couldn't get the first one right"

Giuliani > Bloomberg (although the 911 quiz is Patterson's doing)

Too bad the former had to taint his legacy further by trying to milk 9/11 in the Republican primary (he had a Clinton-like scandal)

"Tinky Winky" as he threw another punch at me, but this time I dodged it and grappled his arm before flipping him over to the ground.

Then I waited for him to get up and blocked his fist with my left arm and punched him with my right. The punch may not hurt him but the weight of the costume shows that the bigger you are, the harder you fall. Shortly after the police have finally arrived, we decided to take off the mask to reveal the identity of the purple teletubby. Upon removing the mask...

"Richard Nixon?"

"No way"

That can't be, I figure it's another mask so I took it off and it's...

"Hitler?"

Took off another mask...

"Tiki Barber?"

Another one...

The one from animorphs whose ship Jake rammed few years ago after the end of the Yeerks war

"This is getting ridiculous"

I removed another mask and it's...

"Jack Thompson, that explains it!"

Annoyed, the costumed person then grunts as he takes off his last mask...

"Marian Hossa!"

"But why Hossa? You're a hockey star who made millions, why would you do such a thing?"

No answer as he was taken away in handcuffs

"I know he's going to snap but I didn't think he would do that!" said the security guard

"Guess he should've stay with the Penguins although Red Wings signing would've worked well for him if it weren't for those meddling kids (Crosby and Malkin)" said one paramedic after loading the wounded idiot on to the stretcher

He had it coming though...I think he should stick with the Red Wings a bit longer if he want another shot for the Stanley Cup title.

Yesterday morning shortly before the downpour, I arrived at the location where the hunt would take place (read a note posted on door at a deli). After reaching Pathmark, there were dozen of people at the entrance as well. It's nine in the morning and I'm somewhat sleep deprived but as long I have some fun, might as well. The doors were closed for some reason until the deli owner and the host of the competition arrived.

"I would like to welcome you people here for the first annual Snapalope hunt sponsered by Slim Jim"

Rules:

1) 20 snapalopes will be released into the store

2) Whoever caught the most snapalopes wins

3) Don't make too many mess and cause excess damage or it'll result in disqualification

4) No matter what happened, the participants can keep the snapalopes they caught (if they can catch one)

5) Winner receives $5,000 in check, no runner-ups

6) Enjoy

"I'll catch one" I said to myself

As we enter the market, there were several skinny creatures running around, one jumping from aisle to aisle.

Just to ley you know, what happened to some of the participants was pretty funny. One dude tried to trap one with a shopping cart, but was dragged for several yards knocking another participant over. Another posted a picture of a snapalope to lure one in...only to lure an idiot instead.

"Gotcha!" he cried before crashing to the wall, that gotta hurt

I snuck from aisle to aisle until I spot one of the creatures drinking from a soda puddle. Seizing this opportunity, I took out my concussion grenade I took from my time in Hong Kong and toss it at the snapalope.

"What the f--"

A blinding light flashes throughout the store, I caught the animal but unfortunately...

"What the hell was that? Where the fuck did you get that from? You're out, get out!" the host angerily screamed

I left without protest, I didn't really care a long I caught one. Upon leaving the store I was on my way home when I heard someone else leaving as well.

"Yay I caught one! I caught one! I'm gonna raise it!" a bald dude yell like a kid

Then he tripped and the snapalope got away

"Wait! Come back!"

A dog came and snatch it away before he can recapture it

"Noooo..." as he begins to break down

I came and said "Here, you can take mine"

"Thank you mister"

He's about in his 40s but acts like a kid, sad but still

"Kthanks"

Yeah I know you're expecting my account on what happened in the snapalope hunt, but it turns out it won't be held until the 20th, so be patient. There's good news though, I registered so I will be participating. What happened yesterday morning is that few days after registering, the deli owner ask me to run an errand. I didn't know why he want me to run an errand, I don't even know him personally, I wonder why?

"You have been buying newspaper from my place everyday did you?"

"Um...yea..."

"I think I can trust you on this, what you're supposed to do is to deliver this package to New York City Department of Parks and Recreation"

"Alright"

"Good"

So I took the package and head on home first because I figure I would need to bring a my pistol along for protection. Soon I head off to the NYCDPR which is at Forest Park, but I figured maybe I should take a quick shortcut instead.

"I'll take a quick shortcut, what's the worst that can happen?"

I went and took a detour by cutting across the woods, after few minutes I got lost.

"I just had to take a shortcut, that's a wonderful idea..."

After wandering for few hours, I took a rest. As I was sitting on a giant rock, I heard a strange noise, it's a honking sound from above. I look up and it's a pair of Canada geese flying by, canadian geese (Yes the geese in America, stop asking)? I decide to follow them since there's a chance they can lead me out of the woods when I heard another strange noise. But I decided that it's just a wind blowing although it's awfully noisy for a wind.

Then suddenly there's a explosion right in front of me, in where the geese used to be are burning chunks of meat and feathers raining from the sky. There's a figure in front of me holding an RPG, it can't be...Pol Pot?

"Wait a minute, you're Pol Pot!"

"So you've heard of me"

"But you're dead!"

"That's what we want you to think, since my fall me and my loyal followers have staged my death so one day I can take over again by force"

"Why are you in the United States then?"

"Some bastard kid in this city found out about my plan, his alias is 'lawlmaster', he reported it to the authorities in Cambodia, although they didn't believe him but I knew it'll be trouble if an outsider knew. It's unfortunate that we meet, I'll have to kill you before anyone else knows" as takes out his pistol and was ready to aim at me

I ran out of the way and place the package behind a tree to keep it safe. Soon I took out my pistol before proceeding to go after that despot who murdered countless lives during his reign of terror.

"This is for the people who wears glasses!" as I shot him in the back

He then turns around but before he can fire I shot him in the stomach

"This one's for the doctors!"

Then I shot him in the leg

"This one's for the rest of the people as well!"

The ex-despot falls, I thought it was over...then suddenly...

"You think it's over? N-not yet..." as Pol Pot opens his jacket to reveal a bomb strapped to his chest

"G-good bye..." as he press the button on the bomb

I have to leap out of the way as the bomb explodes

"Madness...this is madness..." as I shook my head

I walk to the tree and picked up the package before heading to the direction the geese where at before they got obliterated by RPG. I kept walking for another hour or at least it felt as such until I found a neighborhood, I'm out of the forest. From there I know there the department is located and finally delivered the package.

"What took you so long, I had a call 6 hours ago about the pack--, what the hell just happened? You look like hell!"

I looked over my Knicks jacket and it's covered with dirt, burnt pieces of Pol Pot, and some wood chips.

"To make a long story short, I decide to take a shortcut in the woods and got lost"

This will be the last time I took a shortcut.

This morning I was watching Eyewitness news and there's a report of a psycho going on a rampage in Staten Island, first I thought it could be Marian Hossa because of what happened at the Stanley Cup final then they show a photo of the culprit. To my surprise it's none other than Xito, I thought he was dead few years ago. To those who aren't aware who he is, Xito was a notorious review troll who would post anti-American messages in his reviews from '01-'05. His reign of terror declined somewhere around the end of '02 as his reviews began to decrease in production. Keep in mind he was able to get away with those because the system was lax back then, you can write a death threat to the author and you won't get banned because there's no review mods at the time.

"He's back? I thought he's dead, guess I'll have to kick the crap out of him again"

So I took several bus rides to the ferry to go to Staten Island and began looking for that troll. So far there's no sign of that troll, with that I decided to take a walk for a bit, maybe he left. But then suddenly...

"Dakka, dakka, dakka..."

Only one person I know talks like that...

It's Xito and his fitted with robotic parts, I guess that explains it. But who would bring him back to life? Seriously, you've gotta be kidding me!

"Xito, it's time for me to finish what I started three years ago" I said

"Jihad!" and he fires laser beams at me, he narrowly missed

Soon Xito fires several blades at me, but thanks to my recovering supernatural powers I was able to stop them mid air and send them right back. But unfortunately they missed and accidently pinned some random stranger to the wall, he's probably going to be scarred for life. I was waiting for that Islamic troll to make his move when something unexpected happened, he took off. He burst into the sky like a rocket, he retreated. I wonder why, something's up alright, someone must have been behind this, who?

Because he flew so high up, there's no way I can shoot him down. I was heading to the ferry when there's a suspicious looking character in the way.

"There's a weird person in cloak, I'll just walk toward him hoping he'll move away"

Turns out I made the same mistake that certain character with a Brooklyn accent have made in a internet spoof series.

"Hey what gives? I'm going to miss the ferry!"

"I'm afraid you're going to have to wait for the next ride as I snaw will make sure that you will give up on your investigation"

"That'll never happen!"

"Then you leave me no choice..." as he reach for something in his cloak

Not waiting to see what he's about to do, I leap and caught his neck with my legs. After fall to the ground, I broke his neck upon impact. Soon something eery happened...his body evaporated, it weirded the crap out of me. Deciding to forget what happened, I head to the port to find that I missed the ferry thanks to that idiot snaw. I eventually did made it back home several hours later, on my way I passed by a deli hosting a snapalope hunt.

I'm thinking about joining the hunt.

This morning I was on my way to a deli to buy a newspaper when I heard someone laughing like a maniac. It's already early in the morning and something just happened, seriously something's wrong with this picture. Not only that I'm tired due to lack of sleep and it's been raining every single day, they said it's going to rain today as well. Despite that I decide to go and see what was going on, it can't be that bad can it?

"No please, give it back or the world will be in peril if fallen to the wrong hands!" someone yelled

"As if, I'm going to use this device so no one will stop us"

It's Chris Beer...I think

"Hey, are you a clone?" I demanded

"A NGer, yes I'm a clone, do anything think the real Chris Beer would try to do the dirty work all by himself aside submitting crap to the portal?" the clone sneered

Soon he levitates and flew away

"Catch me if you can sucka!"

I went to help the victim up and then he said "You have to stop him, this..."

"Hey I recognize you, you're that guy from an episode of Pokemon, you got shafted by that Team Aqua member"

"There's no time for that, if he gets away the device will result in a catastrophic weather disaster"

"Then why the hell did you create that thing for?"

"To end drought so people from the third world can have better life, stop wasting time and..."

"This is the alternate world, there's no pokemon"

"Damn it! It's over..." before breaking down

I was heading home when I remember something, I can still stop Chris Beer's clone and retrieve that weather device. I ran back home and open the closet for something that haven't been used since my battle against Xito the review troll three years ago, Corey Lidle's old jet pack!

"Here goes nothing" as I turn on the jet pack

Soon I was raised several meters into the air and I remember to adjust the speed, I decrease the power so I won't accidently end up in the other side of the world. Then I start looking for that clone, he can't be that far and I was right, in few minutes of searching I found that flying clone.

"Hey, you better give that thingy back!"

The clone turned and said "What or I'll be sorry?"

"If you don't give it back what I'll do to you will be even worse than what Lawrence Taylor did to Joe Theismann's leg"

From the bottom someone yell "Dude, not cool!"

"You'll just gonna have to take it from me and that'll never happ--what the fuck?"

"While you were blabbering like an idiot, I snatch the device away from you, then to rub it in I punch you in the face, this is why always keep your eyes open while talking unless you're in a very scary situation"

Angry the clone then prepares himself and said "You will pay for that, bring it on bitch!"

In turn my jet pack toward the levitating clone, we're ready to charge at each other head on...or so it seems

As we made a final charge, I undid the straps and fell from the jet pack onto a tree.

"NOOOOO!" the clone screams as he collides with a unmanned jet pack and there's a huge firework display, raining down were the clone's charred remains and what's left of that jet pack. As I got up, I made sure the device is okay (which it is) and I walk toward the wreckage. There I saluted the jet pack before walking away. I return the device to the scientist and you can't imagine how happy he was, in return he gave me a moonstone.

Okay, what am I supposed to do with this? Guess I'll just check and see how much money it'll fetch on eBay. But it's safe to say it couldn't get any weirder than this...right? Just hope I didn't jinx myself this time everytime I said that.

I was taking a stroll when I notice there's a "Weird Science" fair being held at Forest Park, having nothing better to do I decide to check it out. Just to let you know it's the largest concentration of nerds I have ever seen since that card game tournament, seriously. After observing one invention after another, something caught my eye. Ever had a dream where you get to explore in a television shows and films? It's like a trip to an alternate reality...or at least that's what they said to I decided to go and check it out.

One of the inventors was making a lecture and I notice of the the co-workers is the guy from Radio Shack.

"...as you can see it's not fully operational but with a little more work a person can be inside a television show or a movie longer than five minutes, that is all"

The audience laughed because they think they're full of crap and I don't blame them. Once they left I went to take a closer look at the machine as the inventors went to take a break while the guy who was supposed to guard it is in the outhouse. There I notice a cover of "The Blackhole" vhs is on the desk, ignoring that I push the red button on the top of the remote and then suddenly I got sucked into the television screen. There I find myself in a unfamiliar area, I look around and there I realized I'm in a spaceship Cygnus (I seen clips of that movie in youtube).

Suddenly the ship began to shake, it's breaking apart as it heads toward the blackhole...they should rewind the tape next time. Soon a group of robot sentries shows up and I took out my pistol to shoot them, but the bullets bounced off harmlessly against their armor. Soon they start firing laser beams at me, I performed series of backflips to dodge them.

"This isn't good" I said

Soon Cygnus begins to break apart

"You again?!" a voice boomed, I recognized that voice

"Radio Shack dude, how do I get out?" I yelled as I hide from the robots

"The portal will open in 2 minutes near the window, you have 30 seconds to get in or it'll close, also you really need to stop touching people's things"

Soon the portal appears

"Now go!"

I was ready to do so but saw a robot drones (one of Cygnus ill-fated crew members) stumbling in the hall, without thinking I carried him and jump to the portal just seconds before it close up. After seeing burst streams of light and flying past several stars, another light appears at the end of the tunnel. After blacking out for a moment, I regain consciousness and saw several people looking at me, then I realize the crew member I saved is still on my back.

"Are we interrupting something?"

"It's not what it looks like, I swear!"

Last night I was playing Pokemon Sapphire on gameboy when I heard someone making a creepy moaning sound. I was wondering who would be out there in a time like this making some stupid noise so I went outside to check it out. There I realized it's a group of people and they're wearing Red Sox caps, I recognized them, those are the low lives who trolled the Yankees forum. It's been nearly a year since the last time I post in that poorly modded forum (The fact that Theopolis stuck around is admirable, I missed those predictions he made). I took my umbrella despite the fact that it stopped raining an hour ago before facing those trolls.

'Who are you and what do you want?"

"I was known as crispyburntcoreylidle and please to meet you" one of the trolls said

"I'm tek4mvp and just to let you know, the professor from Colombia University send us" said another

Then some kid who is about 15 came and said "Remember me?"

It's tjja98, the punk who wished death to Mariano Rivera over what happened in the 2004 ALCS, eventually he was banned for a while partly due to me and others. No one wish death on the Sandman and gets away with it, not on my watch!

"This is what happen if you continue to meddle in my affairs!"

I recognize that voice, behind those trolls is...Nicholas De Genova!

Annoyed at this, I said "Dude just give it up already, if you continue to try to kill me your plans to brainwash the students of the University outside of your class will fail everytime!"

"Shut up and die!" screamed tjja98 as he charge right at me with a baseball bat

I disarmed him, break his nose, his jaw, and his fingers before tossing him into a passing pickup truck (Last I heard this morning, he's currently in New Jersey).

"Man he suck, it's my turn!" yelled cbc as he point is fist at me

Here's a note to the readers, remember that joke news post I made about the chinese oppression on political prisoners? The clip from youtube came from a film I used to watch and remembering that tipped me off on the fact that cbc is an android.

"Flying Fist of Fury!" as he fires his fist at me, not before I jumped out of the way and it destroys several parked vehicles several blocks away.

"Damn missed!"

Quickly I took my umbrella and impale him in the abdomen before opening it so he won't be able to take it off. But I didn't know what will happen until...

"You bastard, do you know what you have done?"

"What?"

Then I heard a beeping sound, that's when I realize what he meant so I ran to the safe distance

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as he explodes, all what's left is his mechanical dentures which is still biting for some reason.

"You forgot about me" tek4mvp yell as he charge at me with a machete

I dodged it Matrix-style and leap out of the way as he took another swing. Then I managed to land few blows at him before running off to take cover so I can draw him out for a right time to disarm him. I have to be really careful, seriously did you see that? While dodging his swings, he sliced off the hood of the car. Also he cut off some of my hair at one point as well, but that one's a different story however.

"Come out you coward! I'll just make it quick"

I crept behind him just several feet away with a rock in my hand. Coming closer and closer, I was ready to throw it at the punk when Nicholas De Genova screams "Fool, he's right behind you!"

Too late, soon as he turns around I threw a rock at his face

"Ow!"

Then I kicked the machete off his hand before proceeding to beat the living crap out of him. Once it's over I start bitch-slapping him while saying "Wishing terrorist attack on a sports stadium is not okay..." before giving him double black-eye. Afterwards he got up and ran away despite De Genova's command to come back.

Soon I start walking toward the professor despite somewhat reaggravating my hamstring I pulled few days earlier.

Angry the professor snarled "Curses, foiled again!" as he takes out a remote to activate his jetpack

Before flying off he said "You may have won for now, but remember it's not over yet, one day revenge will be mine!"

Once I went back home, I turn on the television only to learn the Yankees lost the game...