I was at the mall earlier this afternoon with nothing to do when I heard a scream. I was at the food court when it happened and I ran to see what was going on, but no one paid any attention so I decided it's probably someone screaming because she got dumped. After returning to the food court to find some jackass stole my burger and fries, I was ready to find that bastard when another scream occurs, this time they noticed. I rush to where many people are gathering, there some dude in a Tinky Winky costume armed with a hockey stick.

I went to confront the costumed lunatic by shoving people out of the way and said "Who the hell are you?"

"Tinky"

"Not much of a talker I see"

Some idiot ran in yelling "Don't worry, I'll kick his ass"

"Wait!"

It was too late, the purple teletubby swung his hockey stick and guts the random idiot who was trying to stop him.

"Tinky Winky" as he ready to swing his hockey stick at me

"Back away people!"

I dodged the swing and narrowly did the same to the second swing

"Tinky Winky"

"Alright Tinky Winky, it's time to get serious!"

"Tinky Winky"

Soon group of security guards came and tackles him, but with amazing strength the purple teletubby threw them off his back. As he was ready to pick up the hockey stick, I kicked it away from him before using palm strike on him to the stomach...only to learn the costume is double padded. Soon he knocked me to the ground, I rolled away before he can stomp me and got up soon afterwards. Because the costume is extra thick, I can't take him on hand-to-hand, also thanks to Bloomberg raping the police budget, the security guards are useless.

"You, call 9/11" I yelled

"I already did, but I have to answer those five questions without getting any of them wrong!"

"What?!"

"I couldn't get the first one right"

Giuliani > Bloomberg (although the 911 quiz is Patterson's doing)

Too bad the former had to taint his legacy further by trying to milk 9/11 in the Republican primary (he had a Clinton-like scandal)

"Tinky Winky" as he threw another punch at me, but this time I dodged it and grappled his arm before flipping him over to the ground.

Then I waited for him to get up and blocked his fist with my left arm and punched him with my right. The punch may not hurt him but the weight of the costume shows that the bigger you are, the harder you fall. Shortly after the police have finally arrived, we decided to take off the mask to reveal the identity of the purple teletubby. Upon removing the mask...

"Richard Nixon?"

"No way"

That can't be, I figure it's another mask so I took it off and it's...

"Hitler?"

Took off another mask...

"Tiki Barber?"

Another one...

The one from animorphs whose ship Jake rammed few years ago after the end of the Yeerks war

"This is getting ridiculous"

I removed another mask and it's...

"Jack Thompson, that explains it!"

Annoyed, the costumed person then grunts as he takes off his last mask...

"Marian Hossa!"

"But why Hossa? You're a hockey star who made millions, why would you do such a thing?"

No answer as he was taken away in handcuffs

"I know he's going to snap but I didn't think he would do that!" said the security guard

"Guess he should've stay with the Penguins although Red Wings signing would've worked well for him if it weren't for those meddling kids (Crosby and Malkin)" said one paramedic after loading the wounded idiot on to the stretcher

He had it coming though...I think he should stick with the Red Wings a bit longer if he want another shot for the Stanley Cup title.