Roger Goodell has a brown bag cover his one hand and held a gun on the other. As he raises his gun toward Tom Brady, he said, "Don't think badly of me, while I may have murdered dozens of children in cold blood an hour ago and beat up a homeless who was asking for change, it's nothing compared to the crime you have one by desecrating my balls which made me feel less than adequate, I'm doing this for intergrity and I HATE YOU!"
"Seriously?" Brady said.
"You claimed to be for the intergrity but you wanted to suspend me for supposedly deflating balls which you have no proof of by theway...even if you did, what's wrong with that? I just like holding balls in my hand when it feels different, like how Aaron Rodgers like his over
Note: I actually used to like Creed, but that's before Stapp went insane however...
One night, couple of hikers got lost in their quest to find the legendary front man of once popular Christian rock band when one of them heard a growl.
"Dude!" one of them said.
"What?" his friend asked.
"If you're hungry just keep it to yourself, no one else needs to hear it!"
"But that wasn't me!"
The hikers turns to see a grizzly bear standing right behind them.
Note: What should've happened in the infamous Chick Tract titled Lisa.
Henry was limping toward his home while his blood continues to drip from his face just before the man's legs gave out. After laying there for few minutes, a passerby calls from the nearby payphone and later, Henry was rushed to the hospital where he would spend several days eating through a straw. Despite his family being notified, no one comes to visit until one night when someone enters through the 3rd story window.
Hearing the sound of a window being forced open, Henry wakes up to see someone entering through the open window and upon his horror, it's his assailant from the week before. Remembering the warning the stranger gave him after pummeling him in the dark alley that night, Henry struggles to reach for the nurse call button on the television control right next to him, only to fumble the control.
Next thing Henry knows, the stranger then grabs him by his neck and said in a growling tone, "I know it's not over."
"The reason is that you have relapsed before and the doctor who attempted to help you through religion have been dismissed for not being able to separate his personal beliefs from his job."
Unable to speak, all Henry could do was whimper.
"However..." the stranger continues, "Because you have also been blackmailed by your neighbor who enabled your despicable act, you have done yourself a favor by telling me his name that night and I have already taken care of him. He will no longer be able to walk anymore and this should give you a much better chance of changing for the better so you better not make me regret this."
"Because if you ever touch your daughter again, I will kill you, understand?"
Henry fearfully nods.
Soon, the man in black with his eyes completely covered by a headpiece walks to the window where he then climbs out, never to be seen again as Henry kept his promise for good.
However, the trauma will remain for the rest of his life, as it should be.
After breaking into Joe Girardi's house last night, knocking him out and managed to find where he hid that binder that helped him lose games for the Yankees for the past few seasons, I made my way out and got back into my vehicle. Just before I was ready to drive away, I could hear Girardi yelling and see him running toward my car so I turned on the ignition keys and drove away without carefully moving the car from where it's parked due to being in a hurry. For a moment I could see the manager of the New York Yankees trying to chase me by foot from the side mirror but it didn't take long to lose him.
After about half an hour or so, I found a field where I then parked the car.
"Finally, something that has to be done years ago!" I thought to myself.
I walked into the field with a binder in one hand and a cigarette lighter in the other. After pulling out some dried grass, I create an open space where I would then place the binder onto the ground, cover it with hay I pulled out and proceed to light it on fire with my lighter...
One night in Pyongyang, North Korea, the ill-equipped security forces were struggling to fight off a horde of deformed looking magical girls as well as a group of undead, each of whom happens to be wearing what looks like a black dress. One by one, the security team were overwhelmed by the strange threat as the last one would be blasted to bits by what resembles a doll with a deformed looking face uttering the same word over and over.
Kim Jong-Un have been in his wine cellar for hours wondering whether or not the members of the security team have been taking some drugs as what he had heard from the transmitter sounds ridiculously inane even for his level of standards which isn't that easy. After seconds of bloodcurdling screams by the security team, all what's left at that point was static...
"Hello? Hello? Answer me damn it or I'll have all of you send to the gulag!"
There's still no answer.
"That's it, gulag it is!"
"To think someone would go through all this just to pull a prank, it ain't scaring me!"
After minutes of talking to himself in the wine cellar, Kim began to spend time reading his porno magazines he kept in the shelves behind dozen of bottles of Hennessy and Cognac when his alone time came to an abrupt end as the door was suddenly knocked right off the hinges. The North Korean dictator panicked as he tries to hide his porn stash and zip up his pants while yelling, "Son of a bitch!"
"Magical~" someone growled.
Kim recognized the voice and quickly calms down to see his surprise guest.
"Wait...Dennis? What a relief, I wasn't expecting...why are you wearing that black dress? Are you cosplaying as a magical girl or something?" the dictator asked.
The former basketball star slowly walks toward Kim and utters the same word as before, "Magical~"
"Magical? What magical?"
Kim walks toward his friend and to the North Korean dictator's horror...part of the prolific rebounder's head was missing!
"D-Dennis...what happened to you? Are you alright? Does it hurt?"
However, the only answer he would get is the same as before...
Soon, the worm was joined by several other cross dressers and to the dictator's further horror, some of them were members of his security team.
Kim then pulls out his gun and open fire, hitting some of the cross dressers with little or no effect as they were nothing more but victims of the magical girl invasion now turned into zombies.
Kim backed away and empties his weapon before dropping it and scream.
Note: The draft of the initial version is left rotting in Taskey as the site crapped out due to maintenance error before I could finish it so for the time being this will have to do.
I went to the arcade to help take my mind off of certain things, especially after watching a sports news on ESPN about a certain quarterback of the Cleveland Browns taking a dump. Do people really need to hear about that? They even described how it looked before the toilet flushed.
I went to try out the arcade basketball game so I deposited two tokens to begin the 30 seconds game. For some reason there was an odd feeling on my hands while holding the ball but I didn't think anything of it as I was focusing on trying to make a shot.
After seconds went by, I made shot after shot and once the time was up, I look up the score and it reads, "30"
"Wow, I have a really good day." I thought.
But then an employee of the arcade comes toward me and said, "Did you realize what you just did?"
Confused, I shrugged and said, "What?"
"Not only that you broke the previous record of most points scored in this game in our arcade, you have also set the record for consecutive shots made!"
Surprised, I said, "Really? Are you serious?"
"I am serious, you have made 15 consecutive shots, the previous record was 12 by Craig Ostertag."
"Then that...cool I guess."
"Just stay here for a bit, we need to contact the previous champion."
Then I waited.
An hour later, the arcade manager comes in and said, "Are you the person who broke the record?"
"Yes." I answered.
"Okay, we'll need to check the psi of each ball to make sure it's in the right regulation or otherwise, we'll have to revoke the record." said the manager.
Surprised at what I just heard, I asked, "Why? Is something wrong?"
The manager answers, "When we contacted Ostertag, he was livid and demand that we check the psi of each ball. If any one of the balls happens to be below the regulation, the record won't count."
Then he continues, "And for that, you will be banned for your disgusting and vicious cheating which has desecrated the proud integrity of the arcade!"
I laughed and said, "Really? Are you serious? You have got to be kidding right?"
The manager's facial expression remain unchanged.
"You are kidding are you? I understand voiding the record but isn't the ban a bit too harsh?" I said as my smile begin to fade.
"You're not kidding?"
Then suddenly, someone walked by us with a force enough to knock over a shelf.
"What is the result?" he yelled.
"What is the result of the test? Is the ball deflated or not?"
I looked at the person and could see him holding a giant bag.
"Yes, it's him, the legend himself." said the manager.
I looked around and leaned toward the manager's ears, "Pssst, is he related to a certain draft bust who played for the Utah Jazz?" I whispered.
The manager looked at me in shock and start waving his arms at me.
"Don't say it in front of him, he hates it when people mistaken him as a relative of the guy for having the same surname!" he whispered back in panic.
Ostertag sneezed and yell, "Okay, who the hell talking about me behind my back?"
I didn't think that sort of thing is actually real.
"I mean it, answer me! Is it you?" Ostertag points his finger at a skinny teenager who started to piss himself.
"Oh, so it is you isn't it?"
The teenager begins to panic and said, "I swear, it wasn't me...NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
Everyone looked on in terror as Ostertag continues to work up the teen for another several minutes until a bloody carcass was thrown right next to the pinball machine.
I tipped my cap toward the beaten teen and thought, "Thank you stranger, your sacrifice won't be in vain."
One of the employees then comes in and said, "We have finished measuring each of the balls...one of them happens to be 2 psi under regulation."
Everyone then gasped in horror and turn their attention towards me.
Then Ostertag gave me a nasty look and said, "So, it was you!"
The former champion then opens the bag he happens to carry, dropping dozens of balls onto the floor and they each bounced like a superball.
He gave an evil grin and said, "There is no way you could have beaten my record without cheating you dirty punk, now try beating my record fair and square...oh wait, you can't because you're banned!"
"What the fuck are you talking about? The ball was like that when I got there!" I yelled.
I started to look around and said, "C'mon people, you can't be serious! How can you think I would somehow deflate the ball by couple of psi? How can I? You've got to believe me!"
However, everyone slowly backed away from me.
Ostertag gave out a really annoying laugh before tossing a ball to me and I smacked it right back, causing the ball to sail over his head and hits one of the patrons in the face.
Everyone gave out a loud gasp and annoyed by such nonsense, I said, "So this is how it is, fine then, you can all die in a fire for all I care!"
Just when I started to leave, I didn't notice some of the balls lying on the floor and I slipped.
That's what everyone let out another loud gasp.
"This man...he stepped on Craig's balls!"
"You stepped on Craig's balls!"
"You're a monster for stepping on Craig's balls!"
I got up to see people looking at me in clear disdain.
Ostertag then said, "So you just had to defile my balls didn't you? Disgusting filth like you should be destroyed!"
Angered by this, I picked up one of the balls and punt it toward its owner, only for it to hit the ceiling and bounce right in front of him instead...
Ostertag then grabs the ball and toss it right at me, but I smacked it right back at the former champ who then catches it with one hand before popping it at ease.
"This ball have been dirtied by the likes of you." he snared.
"You better keep away from the rest of my balls or you will pay!" he continued.
"How much?" I asked.
"How much? You said I would pay if I keep touching your balls so how much?"
Ostertag's face reddened and said, "You think this is funny? I oughta kick your ass right now!"
Feeling a sense of recklessness, I said, "I would like to see you try...draft bust!"
"What did you say?"
"Draft bust, you know the chump who used to play for the Utah Jazz back in the 1990s."
Ostertag then send his fist through the plastic board that was right besides him for some reason and said, "I had enough of this shit during elementary school because of my last name, you're fucking dead I tell you!"
But then he slipped on one of his balls and fell.
Having enough of this, I decided that it's best to leave before he recovers so I kicked away several balls on the floor right in front of me (not exactly sure why he brought them in the first place though I can guess the reasons) and another loud gasp ensued.
"What now?" I sighed.
One of the patrons then said, "You kicked Craig's balls."
"You kicked his balls..."
"You just kicked Craig's balls!"
Then Ostertag got up and said, "You think I'm going to let you get away with this?"
He then reached into his pocket and pull out a container of cheese spread with a panda logo on it.
"Hey, I know this is getting ridiculous so...how about a peace offering?"
I fell backward in surprise.
I thought he was going to attack me but instead he offered to end the nonsense. Happy and excited at this, I took the cheese spread container and gave the guy a hug which I knew doesn't look right but still, try to understand the joy I felt when something like that would happen.
I shook Ostertag's hand and said, "Thanks, I couldn't believe...but...still to think you want bygones be bygones, thank you man!"
I pocketed the container and left the arcade though I looked back to see a sheer disappointment on his face which confused me for a bit but I thought nothing of it until I left the mall which I realize it was getting late. Knowing that I have to head on home before it gets even darker, I made my way toward the subway station when I notice the funky smell from the container I pocketed.
I checked the date and realize the cheese have been past expiration so I threw it into the nearest waste basket. That's when the street lamps suddenly lit up and there's a giant panda standing right in front of me as "True Love Ways" by Buddy Holly started to play out of nowhere...
I was reading the parody when I check out the comments section and saw some insulting comments toward the author by "Ordinary Guy" and "Bill" whom I suspect to be his alt.
If anything, I hope you guys can post to the comments section and go after the two fuck nuggets (assuming they are different people). It's easy to post comments there so feel free to attack the assholes if you want to although it's really up to you in the end.
You can find me as "Max Power" in this site.
After making an emergency landing in some random island somewhere in the Pacific, Amelia Earhart took a moment to calm down while her navigator, Fred Noonan was busy pissing his pants when he then said, "GOOD GOD, WE ALMOST GET IT! WE TOTALLY ALMOST GET IT!"
Amelia then slaps Fred and said, "Fred, get a hold of yourself!"
Then suddenly, the plane falls right through a sinkhole and the two struggles to climb back out, only to be sucked in. By the time the plane hits the ground, Amelia was knocked out upon impact while Fred broke his leg. Looking around through his tears from his near death experience, the navigator then hears a roar and to his horror, right in front of him and Amelia is a giant monster that resembles an ant.
"Amelia, Amelia, wake up, we have to get out...WAKE UP!"
Before he could try to move the pilot out and escape, the pain on his leg cause the navigator to fall back and scream. Afterward, the monster then sprays the two with a fluid and within seconds, both Amelia and Fred were enveloped in foam which then disappears, leaving a pair of skeletons!
The monster then continues to spray the fluid until the damaged aircraft begins to corrode while the skeletons dissolves, leaving little left.
Ted wonders where he is while wandering in the dark corridor with nothing but the sound of water dripping from a distance. While he was looking for a remote place to rest, after spending an hour or so exploring in the empty part of the catacombs, loneliness begins to set in. When loneliness sets in the case of Ted, he would hallucinate...that's when things becomes interesting for our friend here.
"Who are you?" Ted demanded.
A giant anamorphic pound cake who happens to be standing right in front of Ted said nothing.
"Answer me damn you!"
The cake remained silent.
"So you think you're a tough guy huh? How about we'll see how tough you really are!" said Ted as he drops back and raise up his fists.
"You want a piece of me?"
Suddenly, the anamorphic pound cake flips off Ted before transforming into a giant Twinkie, making a screeching noise as the sponge cake begins to bob its head up and down.
Having no time for this, Ted punched the sponge cake and soon, the cake bends its head toward the man and fires a white cream filling all over his body. Ted attempts to fight his way through the sticky white substance, only to have more being squirted right into his face.
As Ted attempts to struggle, couple of tourists discovers him struggling on the ground.
"What's with him? It's like he's spazzing out or something." one said.
"He must have been trying out that miming technique...and he didn't seem good at it." said the other.
"We should go, after all, remember our last encounter with someone like that?"
"I know, let's get out of here!"
After the two left, Ted soon find himself tied up by a metal rope with Jason Vorhees walking toward him with a machete.
"No, no, stay away...I'm warning you! STAY AWAY!"
As soon as Jason swung his machete toward his victim, he suddenly vanished and soon, Ted finds himself alone once again.
After he got up, Ted begins to wonder what just happened when a cloaked figure with a Caribbean accent appears and said, "Welcome to your permanent nightmare as you and your friends will stay here for eternity!"
Alarmed, Ted raises his fists and said, "Who are you and what the fuck are you talking about?"
The cloaked figure then pulls back his hood, revealing himself as a bald headed black man with half of his face painted white, it's Baron Samedi!
Baron Samedi laughed and said, "You my boy will soon learn what you people have gotten themselves into, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Ted picks up a rock and begins to start bashing it against Baron Samedi's head, easily shattering parts of it before the figure disappears, leaving behind the black cloak.
"What the...he just disappeared!"
"What's going on here?"
Just as he got up, Baron Samedi appears right next to him, this time wearing a top hat with the upper part of his face painted with a skull. This freaks out Ted as he tries to make a run for it, but when he did so, it seems as if he have been running in circles despite being sure that he have been running in a straight line. Each time he enters other corridor, it turns out to be the same corridor as before with Baron Samedi standing there looking amused.
The seemingly endless cycle of torment would end when Ted accidentally bumped into something, knocking himself backward. Soon, a flash light was turned on and as Ted took a closer look, a familiar face took him by surprise.
However, the person recognize Ted as well.
"Hey, I know you...you're the guy who insulted me and called me a faggot at the autograph signing!" said the bald man in a thick accent.
"You, you're the bald fag I made fun back in 2010 because of what happened! Even if I am glad to see someone who isn't a demonic weirdo, still I stand by what I said about you loser! Ha, headbutting the dude in that game? What are you going to do? Headbutt me?"
A former sports star glares and said, "We'll see about that!" right before beating up Ted, breaking every bones in his body, crippling him.
Ted moans in pain as the former athlete then turns into a giant chicken and proceeds to peck him to death. In the ensuing weeks, Ted's remains would be slowly eaten away by a pack of rats that infests the catacombs.
Meanwhile, back inside the flaming car, Keith struggles to keep his sanity intact as the song playing inside the vehicle continues to torment him. The particular song in question is Livin' La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin.
Keith tries to kill himself by stabbing himself with any sharp objects he could find, not realizing that he have been granted immortality. He would remain trapped inside the invisible flaming car for the rest of the eternity.
Earl discover a room filled with a pile of skeletons and begins to dig them out to create a space for himself to sit down on.
"I sure hope these ain't bones of fags, but right now I should be safe, far from the living fags to try to have their way with me while I sleep." he thought.
After lying down, Earl begins to fall into a deep sleep and soon, the holier than thou member of the WBC finds himself in a unfamiliar setting. The surrounding seems depressing and Earl notices how the area looks somewhat...
"This place looks old, and the sinful place...bars..."
Then he notices a sign that reads, "Welcome to New Orleans!"
New Orleans? Last he remembered, he was resting in the catacombs in France!
What is he doing in a place that have been punished by God as an example for the nation's support of fags?
Then Earl realize that he's in a dream so he pinched himself, but nothing happened.
"Wait a minute, this can't be!"
He then pinches himself again with the same result.
Frightened by what happened (whatever that was), Earl runs around the city screaming and even slams his own head onto the wall in hopes of waking himself up to no avail. All seems hopeless when an elderly black man comes in and said, "Are you all right?"
Earl shakes his head and asked, "Are you a homosexual?"
The elderly man gave a confused look on his face and answers, "No, what give you that idea?"
"Nothing, just asking." said Earl.
"Maybe you are the homosexual since you asked me that question out of nowhere." the elderly man replied.
"NO I'M NOT A FAG!" Earl screamed.
"Calm down, I'm just saying since you brought this one up out of the blue."
"Never mind, I just don't like to be associated with...these kind of people."
"Really? That's a bit...forget it, this conversation isn't going to go well if we stay in this topic, so anyway, what is your name?" the elderly man asked.
Earl then sigh and said, "My name is Earl."
Just before he could ask the old man about his name, a somber jazz music begins to play. The two strangers turns to see a band slowly marching out from the block and in time, it turns out the band are followed by a crowd of people dressing in black while a casket is being carried. This surprises Earl as he had never seen a funeral march in New Orleans despite taking part in several funeral protests.
"Whose funeral is this?"
The elderly man turns his head toward Earl and smiles as he pulls out a switch blade.
The old man then stabs Earl in the side and not long after, the member of the WBC stumbles into the street in pain right in front of the funeral march. The people carrying the casket then heads toward Earls and places it onto him before picking it right back up. With the casket now containing the body, the funeral band change their tune to Rock Around The Clock by Bill Haley and the marchers begins to dance in celebration.
Meanwhile, over 40 years later and in the underground catacombs of Paris, Patty was hoping to find a restroom somewhere in the underground tourist attraction, only to realize that she got herself lost.
Patty was never much of a WBC fanatic, she only joined because many people she knew were members of the church and seen it as a popular thing to do at the time. Despite knowing little of what the purpose of their IRL trolling is, Patty took pride in taking part in demeaning demonstrations that led to them being reviled by many which unfortunately led to media coverage and fanfics.
At one point, Patty would even take things further just so she could impress her brethren by going as far as defecating on Freddie Mercury's grave. Even recently, in hopes of helping WBC to "regain credibility" since the Sasson fiasco by sending insulting e-mails toward Robin Williams' family members for starring in The Birdcage in 1996.
Just as she was heading toward a hallway that seems to lead to one of many rooms, a cloaked figure appears.
"Uh...who are you?" she asked.
The mysterious figure didn't answer.
"Whoever you are, stay back or I'll call the police!"
The cloaked figure then begins to move slowly toward her.
"Stay back, I'm not scared of you!"
Patty then summons enough courage to try to attack the cloaked figured, yanking the cloak right off to reveal a menacing black man in a voodoo ritual garment with a half painted face, it's Baron Samedi!
However, Patty have idea who he is.
As far as she knows, he's black and that's enough for her to try to run, only to slip on a discarded 7 UP bottle, causing her to fall and black out from the impact. After waking up, Patty found herself tied up while Baron Samedi makes his ritualistic dance, carrying a venomous snake. Once the woman's eyes begins to come around, she notice that they're not in the catacombs anymore, in fact...they're in the tropical setting.
Patty was too confused and frightened to say anything as the black man begins to move toward her while carrying a giant snake.
As the tension of the ritualistic music begins to rise, Baron Samedi laughs as he circles around the woman just before holding the serpent close enough to her neck that it bits her.
However, Patty died from fright before the venom begins to take effect.
Around the same time, the fifth member of the party, Keith was looking for any sightseers to terrorize as he figures that it would be the best way to kill time rather than having to waste it from sleeping in a dirty room filled with dusty bones.
Besides, scaring people is fun.
"This is even better than pissing people off on YouTube comments." he thought.
After picking up a skull, Keith went to seek out more unsuspecting victims to throw the object to for laughs when he notice a room with a bright orange light emitting. Not only that, as he crept closer to the room, it felt much warmer as well.
"I smell something burning." said Keith.
He then enters the room and to his surprise, there's a burning car right in front of him!
"What the fuck?"
What is it doing here? More importantly, why did somebody torched a perfectly good car?
Then the third question struck Keith like a hundred pound dumb bell thrown by a body builder.
Why does this car looked somewhat like the one had had before the accident?
Come to think of it, his car was destroyed in the accident in the same exact manner, aside from being inside the underground catacombs and all.
That's when Keith saw something that would jog his memory, an elderly homeless man appears inside the windshield, looking right directly at him.
"Wait a minute...I know you...I killed you!"
A year before, Keith was having a joy ride a month before his induction into the WBC. As it happened, he saw a homeless man standing on the sidewalk so with that, Keith slows down and stops, motioning the person to go ahead.
By the time the homeless made halfway across the street, Keith then steps on the gas pedal and hits the guy.
"Hahahahaha, suck on that!" he yelled.
But then he crashed the car into the nearby gas station.
Luckily for Keith, he was able to get out of the car in time before the gas leak made its way to the car as the sparks from the engine were shooting in every direction. Seconds afterward, the vehicle burst into flames and explodes, in time leading to an even larger explosion several minutes later, taking out the tire block, killing the gas attendant who fell asleep with his Walkman on at the time.
The were no witnesses so Keith was able to get away safely without the car he stole.
After staring at the burning car, Keith tries to away but suddenly, he was sucked into the vehicle and finds himself trapped inside as the homeless man he had killed said, "Now it's the three of us."
The gas station attendant got up and said, "That's right, now with the three of us together..." as he inserts the cassette into the car radio.
Young man, there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy.
Keith reaches for the handle, only for it to disappear just as he touches it.
However, nobody was there to hear him scream as the homeless man and the gas station attendant vanished into thin air. After opening his eyes, Keith finds himself all alone as the music have stopped as well.
But he's still trapped inside the flaming car and soon, the radio begins to play another song...
Me mind on fire, me soul on fire...
Feeling hot, hot, hot!
"OH GOD, THIS SONG IS GAYER THAN THE OTHER ONE!"