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I want the funky chicken.


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some boring ass school

New York,NY

Joined on 8/29/02

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Idiot-Finder's News

Posted by Idiot-Finder - July 28th, 2011

It's still the middle of summer school and knowing the back door of that building still haven't been covered by the security, I prepared to sneak in the next morning. I made sure my iPod's charged up so that I can record something that can help expose the suspicious activities. Knowing how the bullies may have been connected with what the principal could be hiding, I might as well try to find out what it is and why is he doing this.

Once I entered the building, I got hungry and went to the cafeteria to see what they have. They were serving Jell-O with pudding and some pies!

"That's unfair!" I mumbled.

Seriously they never served that in my high school!

I took the lunch tray from one of the students who wasn't looking and sat on an empty table at the back of the room. After finishing my lunch, I head out to the hallway to find the principal's office. Realizing that I have forgotten where the office is...

"Damn it!"

I decided to explore the entire hall way, knowing the office is somewhere in the first floor, it shouldn't be too difficult. I was right as I finally found his office about a second later, it helped that the principal's name is printed on the door.

"That was convenient!"

I slowly open the door and saw that no one's here. I quietly snuck in and hid from one desk to another until I found a massive bookshelf with a bust of Jesse Jackson right next to it. Wondering what these two things were doing in the office and why, I got tired and leaned on the bust...shifting it by accident. Suddenly the book shelf slowly opens up and there's a dark corridor right behind. Surprised, I quickly record it with my iPod as a proof.

I walked into the corridor and came upon a brightly lit room with shelves stocked with wines. That principal must have been even more wasted than the one at my high school, there's even a shelf filled with bottles of Dom PĂ©rignon!

But then behind all those shelves, I heard someone talking.

I began to record the conversation with my iPod and heard this...

"What do you want us to do? Many of these guys have gone into hiding and Victor have disappeared for sometime, we're not going to hunt them down!"

"Yeah and besides, Victor used to belong to a gang, if we do find him, what if he calls up his old buddies?"

"Wait, is that the same Victor wh-"

"No, they're distant cousins though..."

"Can't you guys just shut up? We have many things to worry about, remember you guys are supposed to bully the bullied victims into silence so the reputation of the school will not be tarnished, my career is at stake!"

I recognize that voice, it's the principal's!

So that's what he's covering up...

After few minutes, I saved the recordings and put my iPod away. As I was ready to leave, I accidentally pushed the shelf and tried to hold it but...I was too late.

Everyone on the desk turned to look at me and the principal who recognized me yelled, "You!"

"Whoa oh!" I said before taking off.

"Get him!" he screamed.

I hid from one shelves to another and grabbed one of the bottles of champagne.

"Put that bottle down!" said one of the principal's hired thugs.

I start to shake the bottle.

"You better stop!"

And then...POP!

The cork flew like a bullet and hits the thug right in the face, knocking him unconscious. As the foam starts flowing out of the bottle, the principal ran up in front of me and said, "You better not drink it!"

I took a huge gulp from the bottle.

"Okay, but you better not enjoy it!"

I made a sound to show that I was enjoying it.

"You bastard!" he yelled.

Rest of the thugs came toward me and I smashed the bottle on one of the guy's head. After making my way out of the corridor, I turned to leave the building when a familiar face arrived...that over sized security guard Omar!

He looked at me and said, "Your journey ends here, stop what you're doing and nobody gets hurt..."

Then couple of injured thugs came out of the office door.

"...from now on!" he finished.

Then the principal comes out and said, "Great job Omar, now finish him, finish him off!"

I took out my iPod and yelled, "Wait! I have a proof that this principal have been behind the wrongdoing this whole time!"

"What are you talking about?" said Omar.

"You have no proof, finish him Omar!" the principal yelled.

I turned on the iPod, select the video on the menu and then I showed it to Omar.

After few seconds, he turned to me and said, "Okay...why did you record yourself rubbing your nipple?"

I took a look at my iPod and realized my mistake, after almost fumbling it out of embarrassment, I exit out and went to the correct video.

"Now here, look at this and listen!" I said.

After few minutes, Omar then turned to the principal and said, "Is this true?"

The principal tried to explain the whole thing but instead he ended up sounding like he has a stuttering problem. Soon he points at Omar and said to his hired thugs, "Get him! Get him now!"

But the thugs were intimidated by Omar to the point that one of them pissed himself. Soon they turned to the principal and said, "No way man, I'm leaving!"

"Yeah, I remember I have chores to do!"

"I have something to do too, see ya!"

Then they all ran off.

"Guess the jig is up!" I said.

Then Omar walked up to the principal and said, "Is this why my son have been bullied? He was beaten to near death and you bastard have done nothing! The reason why I resigned my position as a police lieutenant to become a security so that I would make sure this wouldn't happen again, you're going to pay for what you have done you stupid son of a bitch!"

No, Omar didn't beat the crap out of the principal, he did reported what happened to the news and with the proof, the scandal resulted in the principal's resignation and the hired thugs turned themselves in. They were going to testify but the principal being who he is fessed up.

To make a long story short, the trial was scheduled shortly and it went pretty quickly.

Glad I didn't have to make an appearance on the trial although my iPod recording was used as an evidence. The principal was found guilty and will be behind bars for five years and even longer with the house arrest although they didn't state low long.

Knowing that this is over with, I got my iPod back and decided to go off telling my friends from the club about what happened by I wasn't able to find them however...something's wrong...I even went to check Victor's house and he's still not there.

It's a good thing his parents are out of town due to business trips, they should be concerned.

Posted by Idiot-Finder - June 24th, 2011

EddyFromEEnE is an overly optimistic Asian American who wanted to embrace his heritage as a Chinese. However he became so overly enthusiastic that many of the people in the message board started to find this very grating.

Meanwhile, hongkongexpress is a cynical self-hater who gets angry whenever she sees someone posting something positive about China. When she saw posts by Eddy, she thought of him as an ignorant ABC pollyanna who looks as the world through rose-tinted glasses. What that, she's determined to crush his view by pointing out the realities of modern China.

But then one day they went to meet face to face...

"So we have finally meet!" said HK

"This is the day your ignorant view will end!"

Eddy clenched his fists and said, "Why do you have problems with me? For years you have been harassing me and killed my dog for no reason, this time it will end!"

They each drew out their swords and attacked.

They both leaped into the air and began jousting while standing on the top of the tree. Soon they leaped away and tried to attack each other with long range energy attacks but each time it was done, they missed. As a result, much of the neighborhood got nuked and many passing cars were obliterated along with the passengers and the drivers.

The confrontation ended with the police cars arrives and they had to flee in order to fight the another day...

A day later, they stood at the top of the Statue of Liberty face to face.

"Today's battle is not only for the name of master pride, it's about the honor of the Chinese people!"

Eddy and HK both turned and yelled, "Shut up!"

They they went to duke it out, damaging the statue. As time went by, parts of the statue got sliced off as well as the torch, crushing many onlookers nearby. Soon they both went on to unleash their special techniques...

"I've been waiting for this day!" said HK

"Time to end this bull crap!" said Eddy

They both unleashed a massive force at the same time and soon...the upper part of the statue blows up, sending rubbles in every directions. Once the dust clears, all what was left is the stupidity of the arguments in the message boards and the swords used in the battle.

State of emergency is declared...but that's a whole different story for another time.

Posted by Idiot-Finder - June 9th, 2011

I got bored one day and decided to go to the farm just to see what I can do to amuse myself. Knowing that the farmer might be on alert ever since that little incident involving kicking a dead horse, I didn't shave, put on my sunglasses and a baseball cap for a convenient disguise. Once I got to the farm, the farmer wasn't there, guess he's busy. I saw a poorly made straw man propped up as a scarecrow, however being that it looked incredibly ridiculous, I'd be surprised if that thing would scare anything. I picked up a giant fallen tree branch and start beating it like a pinata.

With a mocking tone, I said, "Help me, someone's beating me!"

Once I knocked it off the stake, I start ripping out the straws and torched it with my lighter. That's when the farmer came out with a sawed off shotgun and yell, "You again? City folks like you never keep off my property!"

I took off before he could fire a shot.

Then the next day I came back and saw him waiting with a shot gun in his hand...

"Going somewhere?" he asked.

I took a deep breath and said, "Um...yeah, I'm just looking for the bathroom...I was wondering if you can point to the nearest pla-" before he points the gun on my face.

"I don't know who the fuck you are and why you're messin' up my farm, but if you don't get out in 5 sec-hey wait!"

He was yelling every curse words known to everyone and some I never heard of but I didn't stop to listen so I kept on running until I made my way back to the city. Later that night I snuck back and saw him still guarding his farm. I hid behind a tree and began to crept closer when I stepped on a branch...

"Who there? Show yourself!" he yelled.

"Meow," I said.

"Oh a cat, got me worked up for nothin'"

Soon he got tired and went home, giving me the perfect opportunity to sneak into the farm to perform some hijinks. I came upon on a cow and tipped it, man it was fun, especially once it wakes up and starts mooing helplessly. After tipping about dozens of cows, I saw a light in one of the windows at the farmer's house turned on and I made a break for it. Turns out to be a false alarm as I heard a toilet flushing and the farmer yelled, "Aw dang it, clogged it again!"

Using this as a perfect opportunity to perform one more hi jink for the night, I took out a small firecracker, light it with my lighter and threw it into the hen house. Soon there's a small explosion and the chickens starts making noises and panicked all over the farm after escaping from the hen house. I laughed before running off as I heard the farmer yelled, "What the hell's going on down there?"

The next night being more careful than ever, I hid from tree to tree and bushes to bushes and saw the farmer holding what appears to be a rifle.

"Wait a minute...isn't that AK-47?" I said to myself.

Guess he had enough.

I was ready to go back when something caught my eye...a dead horse!

Unable to resist the urge to beat a freshly dead horse, I decided to take my time coming up a plan to lay a few kicks on a horse's corpse. But then a wonderful idea come up so I picked up a rock and toss it right at the horse. The farmer reacted and open fired at the direction of the small thumping noise, only to shot up his beloved dead horse.

"Wha-oh god...no...NOOO!!!" he screamed.

He dropped his weapon and walked slowly toward the horse and started to cry. I felt bad for the guy, I mean he was just trying to protect his property so I turned and started to leave. But then for no reason at all I turned back and kick the dead horse right in front of him...

Angrily, the tearful farmer turned toward me and said, "You son of a bitch...I'm going to fuckin' kill ya!"

"You can never catch me!" I yelled as I took off.

Posted by Idiot-Finder - June 4th, 2011

I was working on an upcoming chapter of the story when I kept on hearing that motor sound right outside my house. Seriously it went on all fucking day and it's hard to concentrate on the chapter of the story I'm trying to write for you guys. Knowing that I can't let my subscribers down just because some stupid asswipe's out having a joyride on his motorbike. For several hours and for several days that same noise kept on ring in my head and I couldn't stand it so I decided to do something about this. It's either that or wait until he Roethlisberger himself onto someone's car, but the latter would take a while since it's in the suburbs.

I went out and yelled, "Hey stop ride this crap, some of us are trying to sleep!"

Seriously it was 7 a.m.

The motorcycle rider stopped and flipped me off saying, "Fuck you!" before driving off.

I went back in and took out a crossbow. Soon I got out and walked to the middle of the street and wait few minutes until the motorcycle rider started to charge right toward me. As he began to sped up, I raise my crossbow and fire the arrow right at his face and soon I had to jump out of the way in order to avoid getting hit by that sliding motorcycle. The motorcycle dragged the rider's body along as it hits someone's car, resulting in a massive explosion like something out of a bad Michael Bay flick.

I went back to my house and decided to take a nap before working on the next chapter so it's going to take a while.

Note: Another version is submitted on Fiction Press but it's mostly the same so don't sweat it.

Posted by Idiot-Finder - May 29th, 2011

Remembering how the horseman sliced one of the thugs in half from a block away, I decided to see if it can be copied. I memorized the movement of the hand and started to practice for few hours before trying it out for real.

I saw couple of Red Sox fan walking by talking shit about the Yankees and some of the comments are more like death threats. Being the smug bastards they are, I decided that they are the perfect targets for my new technique.

"Hey, Red Sox fans, you're going to regret what you just said!" I yelled.

One of them turned and said, "What?"

"I heard what you just said, wishing a terrorist attack on Yankee Stadium is something I can't let slide by!"

Then I thrust my hand toward them in rapid speed, sending a vacuum wave toward them until the guy splits in half.

His friend stood there wetting his pants while the other starts screaming like a girl. I send another vacuum wave at the screamer and this time my aiming was a bit off as his arm got sliced off instead. The scream became even louder and that high-pitched noise annoyed the hell out of me so I send several more vacuum waves until all what's left of him are...let's just say that's what raw beef slices looks like.

The Red Sox fan who pissed himself then dropped to his knees started to cry.

"W-why...why are you doing this?" he sobbed.

"Because I fucking hate you, now go to hell!" I said.

Then I send a wave to kill him only to hit a passing car, splitting it in half.

The driver yelled, "What in the world?"

"Damn it!"

I ran off before I got to finish off the remaining Red Sox fan. Then I ran into one of the people I met at the anime convention...

"What did I just saw?" he asked.

"Saw what?" I said.

"Stop playing dumb, I saw what you did, you used 'Legendary Thrust Split Wave', a technique developed in Southern China thousands of years ago!"


"The last known person who used it was killed in World War 2 when he used the technique to hold back the Japanese army long enough to help the civilians evacuate, he was able to take out two thirds before the bullet wounds got him!"

"He took out almost the entire Japanese army? Cool!"

"Yes it's cool but decades later, that technique was included in 'Hokuto no Ken', how the hell did you know that move?"

I told him about the horseman from a week ago and how I decided to copy the hand movement of the said technique.

"Wait what? You learned it by copying?" he said in disbelief.

"Yeah, so?" I answered.

Then he walked away without saying anything.

Back at the hotel room, I turned on the television and there's a news report about several bodies being discovered...all sliced up. No one knows how it happened and the only witness was said to have been in a catatonic state. The reporter said that the authorities believed it could be an attack by a group of surviving diclonius. I became worried since we all know what happened back in 2005 when there's a problems regarding those horned girls in Japan before becoming a world wide threat.

The news reporter also stated that a car wa-wait a minute!

Posted by Idiot-Finder - May 24th, 2011

Sometime after visiting an old guy with a magnetic metal plate on his skull, I went to a nearby anime convention and there's a largest concentration of weeaboos ever assembled, even more so than the one I wrecked nearly a year ago (ask one of the subscribers for full detail). There are tons of anime stuff everywhere including some Gundam statues, doujins, and clubs for fans of certain animes. Being a fan of Dragonball, I decided to check out the DBZ fan club and...frankly I was disappointed.

Most of the fans wore T-shirts with picture of Broly, the most overrated fictional villain ever!

I stayed for a bit because there's food and I was hungry. Granted they mostly have Pocky and rice crackers but it could be worse. I like Pocky but not as much as the weeaboos do, I mean I have a feeling they're in love with those. After sitting through hours of bullcrap from fans discussing how awesome Broly is and some believing he can beat Galactus, I barely restrained myself from laughing. But then one of them said that Broly is "The manliest character ever!"

It's Broly this and Broly that, it's more about one character than the show itself!

I turned and said, "Really? Do you know who voiced Broly in the Japanese version?"

"You seemed to have a problem, Broly is a very manly character and his seiyuus in every versions is also manly men, if one of them voiced a effeminate character then we would know!" he answered.

"Yeah, whoever Broly's seiyuu is, every characters he voiced must be very manly!" said the other.

I got up and said, "Just look up Bin Shimada with your laptop and look up his roles!"

"Who? Is he Broly's seiyuu?"

"Yes and take a look at his role in Fist of the North Star,"

"Oh I heard about that anime, all the manliness..."

"Just take a look at his role and it may change the way you'll think of Broly!" I said before leaving the room.

What the hell is a "seiyuu"? Must have been a Japanese word for "voice actor". Anyway I wandered all over the convention and bought myself a small Kyubey key chain (They have a plush doll but the smile's creepy enough). As I was ready to leave the building, I saw several angry people waiting for me and they're holding wiffle bats, a mallet, and some golf clubs. I realized those are the people from the DBZ club!

"So what's going on?" I asked.

"You stupid son of a bitch!" one yelled.

"How dare you call Broly gay?" said the other.

"Just let us hit you once and it'll be okay!" said the other.

I stood there and said, "Wait what?"

"I realize it now, you never liked Broly so you decided to downplay his manliness by saying that he's gay!" the Brolytard yelled.

"Wait, I never said that Broly's g-"

"Liar, you told us to look up is seiyuu's roles and one of the characters is a faggot, thanks to you our mindsets have been destroyed!"

I shook my head and said, "So why trying to beat me up?"

"You ruined everything!"

Then the security came and threw them out. I left the building through the back exit so the Brolytards won't find me and made my way back to the hotel. I'll have to hide from a time being due to the fact that those Brolytards thought I insinuated that Broly is gay because he shared the same voice actor with a character of "Fist of the North Star" who might have been gay (despite raping tons of women). At least it's not as bad as that incident last Saturday where a massive horseman came into town, trampling several people like ants.

Posted by Idiot-Finder - May 21st, 2011

Just an hour ago a man riding a horse size of an elephant came. Each step the horse took shook the ground like an earthquake. For some reason couple of black muggers tried to mug him by point their knives at him and said, "Yo, give me your money or we'll cut ya horse bitch!"

Then the horseman said...nothing and the the hose itself stepped on one of the muggers, crushing him!

The rest dropped their knives and crapped their pants before kneeling.

"Please spare us!"

"I swear I won't do it again, I promise!"

"Forgive us!"

The only guy standing tried to shoot the horseman but then he made a slicing gesture with his hand and then...the dude got sliced in half!

Witnessing this, I stood there frozen.

Who is this guy and where did he come from? Come to think of it, as I'm typing you'll notice more mistakes than usual but to tell you the truth, I'm freaked out right now and coul;d barely keep myself from shaking like crasy!

Soon the enormous horseman said, "You're not worthy to dirty my hand for!"

Afterward the horse proceed to crush all the muggers kneeling for mercy.

COuld he be one of the...okay...I don't know anymore and I don't want to know.

Posted by Idiot-Finder - May 15th, 2011

Bear down, Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to victory;
Bear down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly...

"Despite the fact that this is Minnesota, it seemed that there's a die-hard Bears fan living here!" said one of the strangers nearby.

"How long he have been playing this full blast from his home? I can hear it from the hotel," I said.

Then he replied, "It's been few years since he moved in and have been playing this crap non-stop!"

"Couldn't he be arrested for pub-"

"No, he bribed the police so they won't do anything," one of the other residents cut in.

I heard this blaring noise for sometime after I went to stay in Minneapolis for a bit. I decided to go to the neighborhood by following the noise just to see what was going on where I met one of the residents whom I had a conversation with. Being that the "Bears Fight Song!", the anthem of the NFL team Chicago Bears had been played for a long period of time non-stop, I went back to the hotel and waited until night time just so that I can sneak into that person's house and force him to turn that music off. Once it happens, I can finally be able to get some sleep. Besides that, the fact that my favorite baseball team the New York Yankees are in a slump didn't help my mood any better either.

I press the doorbell and it said, "Ding dong!"

"What the hell?"

Seriously what doorbell would make that sound?

The door opens and a shabby looking middle-aged man said, "Yes?"

"Listen, you need to turn down the radio, everyone have been listening to this playing in full-blast for few years and it's really annoying!" I said.

"No, it's mine and I get to play it anytime I want!" he snapped.

"I'm not suggesting that you should stop, I'm just saying that you should turn down the volume so only you can hear it."

"Oh...okay, why didn't you say so earlier?"

"I d-never mind,"

I decided that it's best not to start an argument.

Then the man turned to me and said, "Do you want to come in for a while? I have Johnnycakes ready in the oven,"

"Sure!" I said.

I always wanted to try those cakes and besides, the person seemed nice enough. I mean it's not like there's anything suspicious about him or anything because if it's the case then I would have noticed.

Once I enter the house, I saw disturbing amount of Bears posters plastered all over the wall.

"What's going on?" I said.

I know it's one thing to be a fan but seeing that he also have countless bobble heads and a Walter Payton doll...dissected, something's up. I went up the stairs and saw all the Chicago Bears stuff everywhere! Seriously I almost tripped on a life sized doll of Walter Payton and it's also dissected...creepy. After going into the bedrooms there are tons of Bears posters, bobble heads, under wears (WTF?), lunch boxes and a replica of a 1985 Bears Super Bowl ring piled up.

Every room except for the bathroom were filled with these things, what is up with that guy?

"What the hell are you doing here?"

The crazy guy holding a tray filled with Johnnycakes stood with a look on his face.

"I was just looking to use the bathroom, is it okay?" I asked.

"Oh, sure go ahead, for a moment I thought you're going to steal my stuff I need for research," he said.


"I-I mean rehearse...yeah...I meant rehearse, I'm rehearsing for a upcoming play in a local theater about the 1985 Chicago Bears!"

Then he went downstairs while whistling suspiciously.


Already creeped out, I decided that it's best to leave before things gets worse but as I was on my way to the door...it's blocked by several open boxes of dissected Walter Payton dolls!

"Going somewhere?"

I turned around and saw the man holding a wrench.

"I know who you are and what you have been doing," he said.

"What are you talking about?" I said while trying to play dumb.

"You're not fooling anyone, you are a spy send by the Chicago Bears to kill me and destroy my research so that no one will the truth of the so-called great Walter Payton!"


"Don't act surprised, I moved to this city so that the Bears fans won't try to kill be for speaking the truth, but I never thought the organization would send a professional assassin after me but luckily I'm prepared as I'm going to beat you down and call the police!"

Is this guy kidding me? But then I realized something, his obsession with the Bears seemed a tad bit familiar...

I asked him, "Are you Joe Weinbender?"

"Yes that's me and so you do know my name!" he answered.

"You posted several libelous videos on youtube and some of them were removed, also you used your actual name as a user name." I said with a sigh before continuing, "Also your obsession with Walter Payton kinda gave it away although I was hoping it's a coincidence..."

"You're not going to silence me!" he yelled.

"You're not listening,"

"Shut up!"

Then Weinbender starts swinging his pipe at me but after blocking it with my arms, he tried to hit me in the head but I caught it with my hand.

"I should have known, you caught it with your bare hand...you are a professional!" he said.

I barely held off my urge to laugh and said, "What are you talking about? If you tried to hit someone like that it will get caught!"

"Play it off as much as you like but I know you're a experienced assassin!"

I knocked him down and ran upstairs where I hide under the bed. He enter the bedroom but didn't bother to check under the bed so he left yelling, "Where are you? There's no way you could have disappeared into thin air!"

As I hid for a while, i fell asleep...

Once I woke up, I forgot where I was and hit my head on the wooden frame of the bed while trying to get up. I tried to get up again only to hit my head again and I wondered why until I remember that I'm under the bed so i crawled out and went to use the bathroom. After flushing the toilet and washing my hands, I went downstairs and saw Joe Weinbender watching the NBA playoff game between the Chicago Bulls and the Atlanta Hawks. The game ended with the Bulls victory which would allow them to advance to the Eastern Conference Final to face the Miami Heat.



We both jumped for joy and even started hugging each other until...


"Uh oh!" I said.

Weinbender took off and ran upstairs. I could have move the boxes from the door and escape but I decided to see what he was up to so I waited. After about a minute or so, Joe Weinbender returned and he has some metal claws attached to his fingers.

"Where the hell did you get these?" I asked.

"These are my special weapons, there's no way you can defend as I'll slash you to death and laugh while you squirm!" he laughed.

This guy definitely has tons of issues.

Before I could regret not leaving when I had the chance, Weinbender went to slash me but I was able to avoid them until I felt scratches on my right cheek.

"Son of a bitch!"

Weinbender then smiled and said, "That's the taste of what will follow!" before laughing maniacally.

While doing so I took my chance and start punching him in the face rapidly. I kept at it for several minutes, causing his body to be lifted right off his feet until I had to stop because my arms started to grow tired and then he was dropped to the ground.

"That's not fair, I wasn't ready yet!" he screamed.

Then he got up and tried to stab me but I caught his wrists and headbutted him to the ground. Afterward I kicked him just to make sure that he's really unconscious since the last thing I need is a sneak attack while I'm trying to leave. I moved the boxes away from the door and left. After walking couple of blocks, I heard someone yelling, "You're not going to get away for this!"

I turned and saw Joe Weinbender running toward me with a freaking machete!

"No, just no!"

I ran for several blocks and went to hide in the dumpster. After a while, I could hear him muttering something and then the sound of the footsteps fades which indicated me that he left but I remained hidden for a bit longer just in case. I got out and began to head back to the hotel when suddenly...

"There you are!" he screamed.

"Not again!" I yelled.

I took off and ran right into a sporting goods store where I then hid behind one of the shelves.

"You can't hide from me, I will find you!" he said.

I snuck from one aisle to another as the crazy bastard continues, "Walter Payton is a steroid user and I will reveal the truth to the whole world, I'm not going to let you stop me!"

Then one of the patrons said, "Sir, for one thing there's no evidence that Payton have taking steroids and second, I'm going to have to ask you to le-" before getting carved up by a machete.

As the patron lies on the floor screaming, many people started to panic. But unfortunately the security were unable to do anything because they don't have guns for some reason...I'm guessing one of those annoying budget cuts which have been a problem for sometime now.

"You dare to disagree with me? Anyone else dare to claim that Walter Payton is clean? Go ahead so I can help you join this idiot on the floor!" Weinbender laughed.

Knowing that he had to be stopped, I told one of the customers to call the police before running to another aisle where there's a shelf displaying NFL helmets. I took one of the helmets and tried to put it on but it's too big so I went for the smaller size which fits. Afterward, I cracked my fists and said, "All or nothing!"

I came out and said, "Weinbender, I'm right over here and it's time to end this madness!"

"Madness?" he said.

Then I smiled because of the perfect opportunity to yell out that overused line from a wildly overrated movie.


I charged at the psycho and bull-rushed him, lifting him up until I dropped him to the ground. Then I kicked the machete from his hand and finished him off with a body slam, knocking him unconscious in the process. I took off my helmet and saw that it's that of the New York Giants with number "56".

"You really violated him!" said one of the customers.

"I guess I did..." I said.

The police eventually arrive and Weinbender was arrested. The patron and I were send to the hospital where I would receive stitches for my right cheek. After that I left and went back to the hotel though not after some questioning by the police regarding on how the incident started and although they let me go after some explanation in which I kinda made up, some were suspicious because they recognized me from the mime incident.

I turn on the television to watch the news and that's where I learn that Osama's collection of porn have been discovered in his hideout. As I was starting to wonder what kind of pornography were stashed in his hideout, I realize that it also makes it ironic that notorious terrorist would have something his religion would forbade. Good riddance to that piece of trash!

I changed the channel to ESPN and learn the New York Yankees just lost the game and are in a batting slump.

"Damn it all!"

Posted by Idiot-Finder - May 5th, 2011

The following takes place between 11 PM and 12 AM on Sunday.

That night I was out to buy a lottery ticket when I notice there's a car following me. When I look at the reflection from the window from a toy store, that's when I recognize that car...it's that same car from last time, the one that neo-Nazi drove. I decided to do what I did the last time it happened, walk to the crowded area so that the dude will have to give up and drive away being that the last thing he'll need is attracting some unwanted attention. But unfortunately, being that it's late at night, there's hardly any people around except for couples of homeless and some panhandlers whom came up to me out of nowhere and said, "Can you please spare some change sir? Change? Please change?"

I took out my wallet and gave them whatever change I took out before running off.

"Thank you sir!" said one of the panhandlers before they went on to harass the next guy they would meet.

"Those bums should slow him down," I said.

I was right since the car got surrounded by a massive group of those bums, gotta appreciate that. However it would not last long since while I was on my way to the deli to buy a lottery ticket, I got lost for a while and it took me a while to get back.

Once I did, a black Mercedes stopped right in front of me and the blond man came out with a smug look on his face.

"Do you think you can get away with the trouble you have caused?" he said.

I pretended that I didn't know what he was talking about by saying, "What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb, I saw you running off sometime before the cops came and ruined our plan!" he snarled.

Guess I was spotted before I went to the pay phone...

"Okay then, you caught me here but what are you going to do about it since your plan for that so-called master race of yours went down the drain?" I said in a mocking tone.

"You gook will regret for crossing our paths," he said.

"Bring it on!"

I cracked my fists and said, "Here's a bet, if I win, you take the rest of your thugs and leave!"

"That's not going to happen," said the neo-Nazi.

"It will, bet on it!"

The fight starts and the next thing I know, I woke up inside of somebody's car with shattered glass all over me. Ignoring the fact that this car doesn't use fiberglass and the fact that I was lying on what was left of a car door, I got out and said, "Where the hell are you going? This isn't over yet asshole!"

The neo-Nazi who was ready to leave then stopped and turn with a grin on his face.

He said, "So you're still alive, this should be interesting but in the end you won't be able to stand up to my Aryan strength!"

"You're not Indian," I said.

The neo-Nazi then gave me a glare and said, "I was planning to let you live, guess I'll just going to have to kill you!"

He came and threw a punch at me but I dodged it and proceed to attack him with barrage of punches to his body. But for some reason he shrugged it off so I tried to jump kick him and knocked him back a few yards where I would then follow up by running toward him and hit him with my flying back kick. As the kick hits him in the neck, nothing happened!

"You have chosen the wrong person to pick a fight with!" said the neo-Nazi.

I tried to punch him in the face but he leaped away and made a weird noise like as if he's having an orgasm. Afterward he charged forward and threw barrage of punches to my stomach before punting me across the street right through the thrift store window.

"I can't give up now..." I said while coughing out droplets of blood.

"As I said, you're no match for my superior bloodline, it's over!" he laughed.

I started to walk toward him as he continues his taunt, "Aryan will one day take over, you're just another insignificant bug I have dust aside and will soon he squashed!"

"You are not Indian!" I yelled.

"Guess you have a death wish, very well then...I grant you wish!"

I picked up a vuvuzela from the ground (probably from the thrift store) and tried to beat him with it but the lousy instrument snapped as it hit his head.

"Damn it all!" I said.

Then the neo-Nazi picked me up and threw me right to the back part of the thrift store.

"As I said, with my Aryan bloodline, you can't win!" he said.

I got up and said, "For the last time...you're not Indian!" I yelled.

"You're insolence will soon become the death of you and once it's done, I will lead the attack on Yankee Stadium as soon as I return to New York to teach those inferior races a lesson to be learned!"

Hearing this, anger started to flow through my body...he's going to lead an attack at my favorite sports team's stadium?

"Unforgivable!" I said.

Then I charge toward the neo-Nazi thug, lift him up and threw him to the ground before following with a body slam. The smug bastard was stunned when it happened and as soon as I got off, he got up and said, "Can't believe it...you managed to hurt me...I got careless...it's not goi-" before getting cut off by my jump kick to his face.

I cracked my fists and said, "Hey what happened? I thought your Indian blood is going to kill me, what happened?"

The neo-Nazi was surprised and said, "How is this possible? It can't be...there's no way...I'm losing?"

I cracked my neck and said, "For planning a racial motivated attack on my favorite sports team's stadium is something I can't forgive, Hitler's waiting for you in hell!"

Then angrily the neo-Nazi then yelled, "I'm among the great white race, the superior bloodline, the Ayran descent, there's no way I'll lose to you!"

"Oh you will!"

He began to run toward me and threw a punch but I dodged it and slam my fist to the side of his head, knocking him over. Once he recovered, I threw a barrage of fists at his midsection and started punching so fast and hard that his feet were lifted right of the ground.


Few minutes later...


Then I finish him off with a knockout punch to his face, sending him flying right out of the thrift store.

Then neo-Nazi slowly got up and tried to walk toward me but then I said, "You're already dead!"

The neo-Nazi then said, "...hell...I...am...I...will...kil..." before falling to the ground.

I picked up his body and dropped it into the dumpster. Yes he's still alive unfortunately although barely since he's still breathing, he would be discovered the next morning where he would be send to the hospital while charges awaits him according to the news (must have been for his previous crimes). Being that there were not witnesses that night, no one knows what really happened aside from him and me so that's good.

I got back to the hotel after giving up on the lottery ticket and there are some people giving me some weird looks. They acted as I I have gotten into a bar fight or something, guess I'll never understand some people.

I got back to my room and there's a bottle of champagne on a bucket of ice with a note attached to it.

For this special occasion, everyone in this hotel will get a bottle for free in celebration of this event.

Turn on the television and watch the news.

Sincerely, Manager Tom Watts.

I turn on the television and there's a news of Osama's long overdue death!

I shook the bottle of champagne, popped the cork and spray the bubbly all over the room in celebration.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - May 2nd, 2011

One day in Pakistan, a notorious terrorist leader Osama bin Laden was in his cave reminiscing the days when he ordered the deaths of countless lives.

"Life is good," he said.

But then suddenly there's an explosion and everything went black. When he woke up, Osama finds himself in a very dreary place and not only that, it's burning hot. Not only that a song "Hot in Herre" was playing in countless loops, there's flames everywhere!

"What is this?" he said.

Then a fat ugly demon prostitute appears right in front of him and said, "Hello there," in a masculine voice.

"Who are you?" said Osama.

"I'm whom you're promised in the afterlife," said the demon.

"You're kidding right? I was promised 72 virgins, you're a..."

"Oh you heard wrong, it's something that your imam came up with for shits and giggles, you're coming with me!"

Then Osama begins to collapse to the ground stammering, "N-no...it can't be true...impossible!"

"Search your feelings, you know it's true!" said the demon.


FP version.