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Idiot-Finder's News

Posted by Idiot-Finder - February 24th, 2013


One day at Madison Square Gardens, the fans were anticipating a great performance from their hockey team the New York Rangers when the PA announcer said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to introduce...THE NEW YORK RANGERS!!!"

The fans started to cheer when suddenly a campy song begins to play...

Ooh, la, la, Sasson...

"What the?"

"What's with the song?"

"No...just no!"

Soon, the hockey players appears and to their fans' confusion and dismay, the entire team starts to prance around in the ice hockey rink while one of them twirl like a female figure skater...

"What is this? Women's figure skating? I thought we're watching hockey!" someone yelled.

Ooh, la, la, Sasson...

The players leaped over the team's logo in the middle of the arena before several of them holds hands to circle around it and one of them danced like a ballerina on skates.

Ooh, the jeans took a shape...
Ooh, they just got relayed...

The rest of the song was drowned out by boos until one of the Rangers players, Phil Esposito grabs the microphone and said, "People, please calm down, we're having fun and isn't sports about harmony? Just unite and we can win this thing!"

The crowd's boos turns into cheers as the game begins.

Once the game ends few hours later with the Rangers' yet another loss at home, the crowd proceeds to join in the fun as they sang, "Ooh, la, la, you suck! Oo, la, la, you suck! The Rangers have no shame...ooh, they are so fucking gay! BUFFOONS!"

Note: I'm not making this up, the commercial actually exist!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYtWlmaKsww


Posted by Idiot-Finder - February 15th, 2013


Here is a story about a dream I had and it's really weird, but then again what dream isn't weird? I forgot most of the dream but the last part stood out the most anyway which is the reason why I can still remember it well...mostly. At that part of the dream, what happened was that I was in a role of Patrick Jane from the show called "The Mentalist" where I just solved a crime and for some reason working to help settle a couple's quarrel.

One is a prostitute while the other guy who is her boyfriend resembles John Goodman. I forgot the part of the argument so let's just say that they had a fight but from what I remember, it was their way of reconcilating and the boyfriend is in fact a good guy but the prostitute seems to have bit of an issue due to a one minor snag that kept the reconcilation from being completed. Just to let you know, the boyfriend was the one who asked me for help (or at least I think that's what I remembered anyway).

Knowing that the process of reconcilating really need a spark to give it a boost, I took out a Chinese firecracker, hung it on the kitchen, light it and dive right out of the window. I know the relationship will work out in the end thanks to this little stunt, because it did as I knew somehow, just bear with me since there was a scene I saw that shows it. I went into a car and realized it wasn't mine, but I heard someone yell, "Hey, that's my car!"

I panicked, hot wired the car and drove off.

As made several turns throughout the borough just to make sure I'm not being followed, but it wasn't easy since I'm never really used to driving a floating car. After running through countless stop lights and even ran several stop signs, I made another turn before finally slowing down and took a breather when I saw a group of people walking together with a woman leading the way with a megaphone. I carefully follow them as I slow ride along aside the woman and it turns out they're heading toward a cemetary!

As soon as we enter the cemetary, we follow the path as the woman with a megaphone said, "Okay people, be sure to watch out for your belongings and no flash photographies, last thing we need is a lawsuit from these people's relatives for disturbing the peace."

"You're already doing just that with that ridiculous megaphone." I muttered.

"Okay people, just up ahead there is a crypt built in a shape of a log cabin as a memorial to the kids who were killed in..." she said as I thought, "Blah, blah, blah, and all that jazz...whatever that means, damn you Fosse!"

But then I raise my hand while trying to slow down my bicycle and asked, "Isn't that a log cabin? It's still made of wood and why does it look like a gingerbread house?"

The tour guide then said, "That's a good question, technically yes, the crypt is a log cabin but the reason why it resembles a gingerbread house is that it represents the innocence of children that have been taken away by their deaths. As you know, in the story of 'Hansel and Gretal', the two kids were lured into the house by a witch hoping to prey on them, but fortunately the two kids were able to overcome the evil...unfortunately, the kids entombed inside the crypt were taken away by fate..."

I started to feel sad shortly before I realize that I pedaled too fast and rode right past the tour guide!

I tried to slow down but in the end I decided, "Screw this!" and jumped my bike high up into the air before landing right in front of the back entrance of the cemetary where I would proceed to ride my way out.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - February 9th, 2013


One day, several people were partying in a desert when a odd looking vehicle begins to head toward them. No idea what the vehicle could be, some of the onlookers went to inspect the vehicle before backing away to safety. However, the vehicle continues to move toward them when it suddenly stopped an inch short of the small crater, stunning the curious onlookers. One of the onlookers went to touch the vehicle and said, "It's made of metal...it's just a vehicle...but what could it be?"

"I don't know, it's like a being from another planet send something to us to tell us something...or something." said the other.

"Maybe there is a message..."

Meanwhile, back at NASA, the researchers watching the events recorded live from a video carried by the vehicle each let out a disappointed sigh as one of them said, "Our mission failed..."

One of the scientists was shocked and said, "What do you mean?

"Our mission is to find a sign of intelligent life on Mars...instead all we find are some Pro Football Hall of Fame voters who snubbed Michael Strahan from the first ballot election and the people who agrees with the voters..."

"Oh...you're right."

Another hundreds of millions of dollars worth of fiasco.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - February 5th, 2013


One day at school, a sports writer was attending class as a guest invited by the principal because he used to attend the school as a kid. The principal wanted to show the kids the success they can have if they can study hard and work diligently so one day, they can have great jobs as well. Little do the principal knows, the sports writer is also a columnist for ESPN which isn't the ideal person to invite to school as he would learn the reason why.

As the class was ready to have a math test, the sports writer said, "You know what? I can help serve as an example to the kids by taking the same test myself!"

The teacher wasn't sure but the principal smiled and said, "Sure, go on ahead, Miss Sullivan, can you get a copy of a test sheet?"

"Are you sure about this?" the teacher said.

"Miss Sullivan, this is important, the kids need to know how good grades can hel-"

"Alright, alright, sheesh!"

Few minutes later, Miss Sullivan returns from the office with a copy of a test paper and hands it over to the sports writer. The sports writer walks to the teacher's desk and begins to start answering questions on the math test. Once it was over, one by one, each student hands over the test sheet and Miss Sullivan starts to collect them when she notice the sports writer still working on his math problems.

"Sir, time is up, hand over the test sheet!" she said sternly.

The sports writer said, "Just a second...there, okay here you go, all done!"

"Thank you!" she said.

As the lunch period passed through like a ghost gliding through the wall, some of the staff members were spooked by the sight as they believe that the school building have been haunted by a student who committed suicide because of her unacquainted love of a teacher who left soon after the incident, the class resumes as the students returns to their respective desks. As minutes goes by, each student receives the graded test paper and either a sigh of relief or a disappointed groan can be heard throughout the entire classroom.

Once it was done, the teacher hands the test sheet over to the sports writer and said, "Care to explain this?"

The sports writer looks down on his test sheet...

45%

"Really? I thought it would be a bit higher, oh well!" he said.

"Oh really? Then explain how you managed to get several simple math problems wrong? You should have learn this in fourth grade you know, how can you get the fractions wrong? It doesn't take a genius to know that 4 is divided by 2!" said Miss Sullivan.

The sports writer smiles and said, "To get them all right will be against my principle."

"Principle?"

"Allow me to explain, every sports writers have their own principles and in my case, I have a important principle I must follow."

One of the student asked, "Is it required?"

The sports writer said, "No, the principle is something we all come up with so it's easier to follow and with that, it makes us more important than the rest of the country except for the President and maybe ESPN!"

Then he continues, "As a sports writer, I have a very important responsibility in which I get to vote for the players to the Hall of Fame and as you know, the players needs enough vote required for enshrinement. However, we sports writers tends to have differing views on certain players and sometimes disagree on how the players should be voted in."

The entire class looks on in silence until someone said, "What?"

The sports writer took a deep breath and exhale before saying, "I thought I made myself clear, I'll say it again in a way in which you ants would understand. What happen is that last weekend when the votes were counted, I was one of the voters who didn't choose players like Michael Strahan despite being among the 'no-brainer' pick, the reason is that according to my self-imposed principle, no player should be on first ballot...I know some got through but you can't snub them all, but with Strahan having to wait another year, my mission is a success, hahahahaha!"

"So that's the reason why you failed the math test, all because you believe that nothing should be unaminous and no obvious choice should be chosen?" Miss Sullivan asked.

"That's right!" answered the sports writer.

The principal who have been hearing the conversation the whole time just when he was about to tell the sports writer about leaving his car lights on was shocked. Is this the person he invited to school to serve as a positive example to the students? To come up with a half-assed and self-imposed "principle" in order to excuse every mistakes that were made? Hey, at least now everyone knows the reason why the Hall of Fame voting became a quite a mess due to questionable choices...

"Did I hear you correctly?" the principal asked.

"Why yes, you heard me correctly, I failed the test because I don't think everything should be done right even if it's obvious enough to get it right, I apply this to many of the things I do aside from the test and the Hall of Fame voting." the sports writer chuckled.

Horrified, the principal could only think for a moment, "What have I done? I can't believe I miss this? How can I not know that he's a imperfectionist jackass?"

After spending few minutes to regain his composure, the principal said, "Sir, you have done enough as it is so please leave this school."

The sports writer huffed and said, "Why should I? I like it here, after all this is the place where I got my start so I can tell it like it is, in the end you have to get some things wrong in order to succeed."

"Leave..."

"Make me!"

"If you don't leave, I will call the security!" the principal yelled.

The sports writer laughed and said, "Call the security? Really? Do you even realize who I am? I'm-" as a fist made contact to his face, sending him flying ten meters to the wall. The principal holds his right hand and said, "As I said before, you better leave this place and I'm giving you one last chance. If you're going to keep spewing out bullshit, I will make sure you won't speak again!" with a death glare on his eyes.

The sports writer wiped his nose and said, "My, my, my, well done, but until we meet again..." before walking out of the classroom. Since then, the principal made sure to spot check every information of a person he would invite in order to make sure the incident won't ever happen again. More importantly, after seeing what would happen if the principal becomes angry, the students decided that pissing him off isn't going to be a good idea and out of fear, they began to study harder. The word spread throughout the school and not long after, the school's grade average would rise from C to B+. Granted, B+ isn't the best grade but in the end, it's still better than what it was before and it was all thanks to a missed background check by the principal when he decided to invite a sports writer with a fucked up principle.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - February 4th, 2013


One day at Pathmark, a sports writer was shopping for his wife when he came across a stack of jars of pasta sauce. He picks it up and said, "Prego? Never try this before, I wonder how it taste?"

The man on a table next to him said, "That's a reason why we gave out free samples, here!" as he hands over a small paper cup of pasta sauce to the sports writer.

The sports writer taste it and became delighted...but then he thought to himself. "But I liked Ragu...what other questionable choices have I made?"

Then he remembers the Pro Football Hall of Fame voting in which he left Michael Strahan's name off the ballot, help costing the former Giants defensive end a first ballot election. Remember the voting he made, the sportswriter became depressed and said, "What have I done? I can't believe I chose Warren Sapp over Michael Strahan...what other questionable choices I made..."

Then he remembers when he wrote a column proclaiming that Kobe Bryant is better than Michael Jordan...

"No..."


Posted by Idiot-Finder - February 3rd, 2013


The members of the Seal Team 6 heads into the compound with their weapons prepared in case of enemy fire. After detonating an explosive in order to burst the door open, one by one the member of the NAVY team went into the building in search for a notorious terrorist mastermind. As the team carefully heads to one room after another, they could hear a faint moaning sound in the upper floor just as they got close to the stairs.

"What do you think is happening up there?"

"One way to find out,"

Once the team made their way to the upper floor, the moaning became louder as they approaches the room with a door opened slightly ajar. One of the troops carefully opens the door so the occupant in the room won't hear them and to their surprise, Osama bin Laden sat there in front of a television showing a two women making love to each other while a muscular man sits right on their heads and said, "Here comes the Cleveland special!"

Osama then yell something in Arabic in excitement when he saw the faint relection on the television screen and quickly turns around to see the members of the NAVY pointing their guns right at him. Before the terrorist could say anything, a gunshot was heard and the television was painted with blood and some grayish pink mushy contents that sticks to the screen.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - January 30th, 2013


One night, a reporter came to Alex Rodriguez and said, "Alex, now that you finally got that monkey off your back, especially with the way the year have started with the relevation in regards to steroids, how does it feel to have finally been part of a World Series winning team?"

Alex smiles and said, "It's been great, in fact I couldn't think up a word to describe it...I can't wait to get that ring but right now I got to bask in the glow of victory,"

"After proving the doubters wrong, what are you going to say to them?" the reporter asked.

The Yankees third baseman chuckled and said, "I would say this, 'You think I couldn't do it? How do you like me now?', something like that."

"What do you think will happen in the future?"

"There are few things for certain, I will have several more healthy years ahead me and more importantly, my association with a steroid dealer won't come back to haunt me in the future, I mean...what are the odds of that?"

Oh A-Rod, if only...if only...

Meanwhile in Miami, Florida, a morbidly obese gorilla was strapped to a harness before being hooked to a crane in order for it to be removed from the sidewalk. A bunch of reporters, police officers, and construction workers looks on as one of them picks up his walkie talkie and said, "Okay Pooz, it's ready!"

The crane slowly lift the gorilla off the sidewalk, revealing a squashed human remains plastered to the ground as the smell indicates that it have been here for a while...the gorilla feces certainly doesn't either. One of the reporters sighed and said, "Poor man, even after his retirement, he still couldn't get that monkey off his back...what a shame, a massive shame indeed, really sucks to be him."

One of the police officer walks to the chief and said, "What now?"

"Well, once the gorilla is safely moved to the cage, we'll begin scraping off Dan Marino's remains!"


Posted by Idiot-Finder - November 12th, 2012


"T-that idiot...he wouldn't listen and now he's dead!" he sobbed.

"Jay, calm down, it is a miracle that you've survived the collision with that tanker truck, but none of use but you have no idea what happened, are you saying that your student Katz was looking to drive through a detour?" asked Amuro.

Jay nodded and said, "That stupid kid, he drove like a maniac and told me off everytime I tried to stop him!"

Amuro signed and said, "I'm not surprised, I've always figure something like that would happen."

As he walks out of the hospital, he turn and see Hayato comforting Frau and decided that it's best not to tell them that Katz was responsible for his own death.

Meanwhile...

"You stupid kid, do you really think that you can pick a fight with us and win?" one of the thugs spat before driiving away with their motorcycles.

The couple would walk down the park an hour later when to their horror, a bloodied teenager slumped against the gate with a sign hung around his neck, "WHAT HAPPENS IF GIRLS MESS WITH THE" in which the last word was blurred out as it was written with his blood.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - October 29th, 2012


Note: Takes place after the invasion...

A bunch of retroviruses were dancing to a song the body listening to when one came in said, "Hey guys, what are you listening to?"

"I don't know, something about a funky town but it is pretty catchy!" one of the viruses said.

"Hey, how is your slave?" the other asked.

The virus grinned and said, "It was awesome, check this out...hey, come over here!"

A white blood cell comes over and said, "Goshujinsama..."

"Wow, that's amaz-wait a minute...what the heck is 'goshujinsama'?" his friend asked.

The virus chuckled and said, "To tell you the truth, I have no idea either, you see...we were at the upper level with two massive windows to outside and this body was watching a show and this person has a slave who calls him 'goshujinsama' and so I taught the cell that word as you know why...because that thing is my slave in case you don't get what I'm saying."

The other viruses looked at each other and one of them said, "We should do the same thing to our captives!"

"Great idea!"

"After that, I 'll have mine give me head!"

Then everyone stopped and looked down on one of the virus...

"What do you mean by 'give me head'?"

"Yeah, more importantly, what's head?"


Posted by Idiot-Finder - October 24th, 2012


One day, I went to Game Stop and rented a latest sports game called, "Major League Umpires 2012" with a tagline written "Blowing one call at a time!"

I thought it looked interesting so I decided to give it a try.

Well, the game started off with a intro in which an umpire was show lowing a call on first base and soon, the manager came and argued the call only to get thrown out in the end. Then the menu appears and I chose "Start" in which it led to the selection screen with three umpires and six that are still unlocked.

I had to decide between Angel Hernandez, Jerry Meals, and C.B. Bucknor.

I chose Hernandez and then the game begins.

There's a selection box in which I have three technique to choose from, kinda like Pokemon. The techniques are "Shrinking strike zone", "Randomly changing strike zone", and "German surplex".

I chose the German surplex and then Hernandez used a wrestling move on the batter, afterward the umpire got thrown out and it was game over...so I had to start over.

I start off with "Randomly changing strike zone" and I learned that for balls and strikes each calls missed, I get five points. For the calls that were done accurately, two points were deducted. By the end of the inning, I scored 33 points and for the next, scored 27 points, the next...41 points. However, it didn't become exciting until the part where the runner ran to the home plate and I was given 5 seconds to make a call.

"Out or Safe?"

I chose "Out" and got it wrong, bagging me a whopping 20 points!

Then the manager came out from the dugout and "CHALLENGE!" appears in the screen. The whole thing turns into something out of Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter as the umpire and the manager where about to square off.

ROUND ONE, FIGHT!

The manager fires an energy blast and I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do because I didn't bother to read the instructions...so I start mashing the buttons and the umpire's HP started to run low from all the hits he took. I was pressing random buttons on the controller and by a sheer stroke of luck, I unlocked a special technique where the umpire teleports and appears right behind the manager before grabbing him from behind in full nelson and jumped into the air, out of the screen where they would disappear for few seconds before slamming head first to the ground. It took out much of the HP from the manager's health bar and with a series of slight jabs, I was able to win the first round.

Then came round two...

Because I unlocked the special move by mistake, I didn't know what I was supposed to do and so...I got creamed. On the third round, I tried to use the only move I know which is jab and was able to take out quarter of the manager's HP from the health bar, but you can guess how that worked out in the end. It didn't go well in the fourth round either and then not long afterward, it was game over.

I became frustrated and gave up for the day.

The next day I gave the game another shot and made sure to read the instructions carefully, after that I knew what I'm supposed to do. I chose C.B. Bucknor and went with the "shrinking strike zone" technique which shrunk the strike zone to the probable size of Barry Bonds' testicles. It took about an hour before the first inning finally came to an end in which I scored 520 points!

However, I wasn't able to get the runner scoring call wrong which factored in the long inning as well, oh well. By the fifth inning, I scored nearly three thousand points and I finally got the call at the plate wrong and then the manager came out for a challenge. I quickly press the buttons in the right sequence and then the umpire starts pelting the manager with flurry of rapid fisticuffs, slowly taking down the poor man's health bar until it was nearly empty. I was able to finish him off with a powerful kick and that was the end of round one (surprised that he didn't explode into a bloody mess though). In the second round, I unlocked another secret technique where the umpire fires a massive energy blast which wiped out only half of the manager's health...lame but that's what happened. In the end I was able to finish off just as easily. The third round was as anticlimactic as I took him down the same way I did in the first round so in the end, I was able to finish him off rather easily and the message came up,

YER OUT!

With the manager thrown out of the game, I scored one hundred points.

Once the game ends, I finished with over seven thousand points which would have been enough to unlock a new umpire (which requires at least 5,000 points for each of the first three)...had not been for the fact that I played the game in the easy mode...

In easy mode, I can screw both teams over which is much easier to get points that way.

Moderate mode is where I'm supposed to screw one team and help the other and for the hard mode? It's still unlocked since I have yet to beat the moderate mode, but I will get there one day. Right now, I'm not exactly in the mood to play the game again, I felt a bit burnt out so I'll need a time to recover but I will get to the hard mode one day.

I wonder if Jeff Nelson is one of the unlocked umps...