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Idiot-Finder's News

Posted by Idiot-Finder - August 15th, 2013


After learning that Chris Beer might have been hired by the NSA, I knew something Had to be done before the situation would spin out of control. Peter and his co. told me to stay out of it because they're intending to put a stop to this issues themselves but what they didn't understand is that I have been after Chris Beer for the past years, that was the reason why I have been traveling cross-country during those times. Knowing that Chris Beer might use his possible NSA connections to bring down Newgrounds, I have to make sure he won't be able to use the internet again.

To find a troll, you have to know a troll, to know a troll...you have to be a troll.

To be a troll? You have to learn!

So I dove into the cesspool of the internet, the largest gathering of filth and the lowest of the lows one can find...the internet comments section, every single one of them (that goes for YouTube comments, Yahoo! Answers, every sports forums, news site comments, etc.). However, for a while I did regret doing so as some of the comments I have read made me lose faith in humanity. In some cases I felt like tracking some of the users down and slit each and every one of the in their fucking throat and I mean it!

In the end I had to stop looking at one point in order to recover, it was awful...

But then I hit the jackpot!

I learned in the message board of a racist website that NSA hired someone who moved from New Zealand to the U.S. because of his hacking ability and has a sizable followers willing to help him in his venture. The person is said to be residing in Trenton, New Jersey so I prepared myself by arming myself with some non-lethal weapons to ward off muggers and took several buses to get there. As I got off, I started to wonder where I could find Chris Beer and his gang since there is a good chance that it's either a rumor or something the poster posted to throw people off.

Then I realized that that's what he would expect me to think and ultimately, Chris Beer is in Trenton after all. Afterward, I sat down at the bus station to think where a trolling hacker like Chris Beer would be hiding, especially when employed by the government agency.

After getting mugged by a bunch of thugs (they took away my non-lethal weapons before I could use them), I came upon a mostly abandoned apartment building with only one lit window. Seeing that the front entrance was heavily guarded, it pretty much confirmed that someone important is in there so I went through the back door only to find it locked!

Angry, I kicked the door and it swung open.

"That was easy!" I thought.

I ran up the stairs before running back down to see what floor that the brightly lit light is at. Once I ran back in, I became tired after after climbing several stories and wondered why they couldn't fix the damn elevator. I took a rest at the twelfth floor and waited for minutes before I continued on and climbed up several steps before making it to the twenty fifth story.

I listened to each door to hear if there's any noise, that way I could find which room Chris Beer could be hiding in. I came across the one door guarded by two armed men...

"Damn it!"

If there's a way to get through the line of defense...so I think...then it hits me!

They can't guard him all night and even if they could, Chris Beer will have to go outside sooner or later since even he can't stay in at all time. But then I remember that this is Chris Beer and remembering what he had done years ago...

I decided to wait until the guards' shift ends so I can seize my opportunity to take down and maybe even kill Beer. So I waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited, waited...and waited.

I nearly dozed off when I heard someone was coming so I hide in one of the abandoned rooms. I peeked through the door way and saw the guards walking toward the stairway, ending their shift.

I jumped for joy and sprinted to the door where the notorious internet hacker and troll is at. I slowly knocked on the door and someone said, "No, I'm not going out, the sun is too bright and I don't care if it's morning!" with a whining tone.

I knocked again.

"Go away, just give me something to eat...like some wasabi peas or anything from McDonald's, I'll hack for you later but I'm watching something...oh yeah, take it like a bitch Lizard Misty!"

I kicked the door open and saw a slightly pudgy and pale figure who is slightly taller than me. I spat out whatever he had in his mouth onto the computer screen and yelled, "Who are you?"

"We have finally meet Chris Beer..." I said.

"A Newgrounds user? I heard there were some trying to hunt me down after that incident few years ago, but you're too late as I'm employed by your country's government!" he said with a smug smile.

"It doesn't matter,"

I cracked my fists.

"If you attack me, you'll get arrested!"

"No one will have to know." I said.

Beer got up and said, "Then I won't go down without a fight!"

He took a slow swing at me but I was able to dodge it in the nick of time. Then I responded by pushing him onto his computer which he picked up and toss it right directly at me, only to land inches away from my feet.

"Dude!"

Chris Beer jumped toward me and we struggled for a bit until I stumbled, causing me to fall backward. I got up, threw him to the ground, and picked up a lava lamp so I could use it as a weapon. The NSA employed New Zealander stared down at me and roared while I yawned and looked up at the clock, it was 5:38 in the morning, we've been up all night.

I threw the lava lamp at Beer and it harmlessly hits him in the groin.

Once the lamp was smashed on the floor, Beer looked up and said, "Am I supposed to fall down or something?"

I quickly punched him in the face, breaking the slow pacing the fight has up to that point. However, Chris Beer touches the content from the lava lamp and his skin starts to turn green.

The hacker got up and took a swipe and cuts me in the cheek. I picked up whatever random object I could find and toss each of them at the mutated hacker with little to no effect. As he started toward me, I tried to hold him back with an urn but Beer than grabs the object and crushed it with his hand.

Once again I reached for whatever I could find on the desk and grabbed a pen. As Beer marched toward me, I stabbed him in the eye and there was a loud groaning scream that filled the room.

I landed a dropkick on Beer and he fell right out of the window.

"What's going on here?"

"It's coming from this room!"

Realizing that the guards heard the scream, I ran out of the room and hid in one of the abandoned rooms. Before long, the men ran into Beer's room and I sprinted to the stairs where I made my way out of the building.

"BLLLLLRG!"

I turned around and saw a horribly disfigured Chris Beer crawling toward me.

"...hlp mee..." he hissed.

I didn't think it would be that bad, what was inside of that lava lamp?

"...hlllp...me..."

"Get away from me!" I said.

But then Beer hissed, "...thrrr...or...ovrlerrd...keel...u..."

That part caught my attention, overlord kill me? That means he's not the overlord, he really did lost much influence he had over the years. I walked away as his remains melts into a red bubbly puddle.

It wasn't over, some of the agents from NSA saw me and I had to lose them before I could start my way back home. By that time, that's when I remember I couldn't afford the bus fare because I lost my wallet in the mugging earlier that night!

With that, I had to find a way to get back to New York City without the bus and with my wallet missing, that can poise a problem. Yes I know I was fortunate enough to leave my debit card and my ID at home but my driving learner's permit and my Metro-cards are there, not to mention I stuffed it with several twenties inside the damn thing.

I sat right on the bench in the school's playground when a tour bus arrived.

"Why would tourists go to Trenton?" I said to myself before remembering the historical significance the place had in the American history. Then I realize that if I could sneak inside the bus, I can get back home...or end up somewhere in Canada since I had no idea where the bus goes to. I was able to hide myself among the crowd of tourists and for a while it worked, but once we got to Little Italy, they found me out and I was thrown out.

From then on, I started my journey to get back home by traveling across the Williamsburg Bridge and trekked all the way back to Woodhaven by following the J-train line. After making it back home, I took a shower, eat and finally sleep.

Next morning I got sick.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - August 12th, 2013


It took a while for my eyes to adjust to the dark room while hiding behind what I thought to be a large box. I was able to make out some of the shapes in the basement and when Zacied would come close to me by watching the figure moving toward me. In the game of cat and mouse, I was able to slip right by the former internet hacker and spammer several times, frustrating him. Just when I started to wish that I have a lighter with me, Zacied then said, "If only the light is on, surely I would have killed you by know!"

"If I have a night-vision goggle and a gun, I'd blow your head off and make sure that you'd feel it!" I said.

Zacied then tried to throw something at me but ended up aiming in the wrong direction while I tripped as I was moving behind another one of those large boxes. I laughed and said, "You need to do better than that if you're going to find me in the unlit basement!"

"Oh I'll get you for this!" he yelled.

Then his partner who was still outside said, "Couldn't we just lock him in until Creb returns?"

"NO! HE'S MINE!"

"Okay..."

It's a good thing Zacied isn't the brightest bulb, but then again Duck Division aren't exactly intellegent outside of hacking...that's when I started to wonder if most of the members are in fact tools used by Chris Beer to throw the Newgrounds administration off guard. I had no time to think about it further because at that point, I was still in hiding and need to wait before I could make my move against Zacied in the dark basement. As time went by, my eyes were able to make out the boxes and Zacied in the darkness.

I picked up one of the smaller boxes and was prepared to beat his head in when someone turned on the lights. Because we have been in the basement for quite a while, the light blinded us and I dropped the box.

I could hear Zacied screaming, "WHAT THE HELL? MY EYES!"

During the confusion, I started to open my eyes and slowly my eyes recovered enough to see what was inside the box.

"TNT?"

I picked up the content and soon I saw Zacied and his partner backing away from me.

"You drop that!" Zacied yelled.

I opened the box and found several sticks of dynamite.

I point one at them and they backed away further. It looked as if I was able to get myself out of this mess and escape from the hell hole so I can call the police until the two stopped backing away.

Zacied then said, "You don't have a lighter do you?"

"Zacied, what do you think we should do?" his partner asked.

"What do you think? There's two of us and one of him!" he yelled.

I quickly knocked over a large box, causing a pile of straws and dozens of hand grenades to spill out. The two then jumped backward and Zacied yelled, "Don't you use that in this room, it'll kill us all!"

"You dolts, what the fuck are you doing?"

We all looked up to the top of the stairs and it's Creb.

Zacied stammered, "H-he has a..."

"A grenade?" Creb cuts in.

"It's not a real thing, I have been smuggling illegal toys in order to make money for our dear overlord, you have to be a dumbass to have actual explosives in your home!"

Then I got into the conversation and said, "Why would anyone smuggle illegal toys? That sounds stupid!"

"You wouldn't understand until the truth is revealed!" Creb answered.

The truth? What could it be? I didn't bother asking because I figured that it wouldn't go anywhere since it would have meant telling me who their overlord is, but I assumed it's Chris Beer.

For his failure, Creb grabbed Zacied's partner by his neck and snapped it like a piece of twig.

Zacied pissed himself and cried as his partner's lifeless body was dropped right in front of him. Creb then said, "This is what happens if you fail so you better kill him or else!"

Zacied nodded and takes a knife Creb handed him.

"This is my chance to redeem myself, if I don't kill you...it's over for me!" he said.

I went and did one of th cheapest things anybody could have done, I kicked him square in the nuts, causing him to keel over in pain. Creb screamed and roared, "YOU COWARD, CAN'T YOU FIGHT LIKE A MAN? HOW DARE YOU DO THIS?"

Coming from a poorly built troll bot who send goons to fight for him.

As he was caught up in throwing tantrums, I snuck past him and made my way to the kitchen, took out a pot from the cupboard, filled it with water and waited until the troll bot to emerge from the basement.

"You're not running away!" he yelled.

I splashed him with water but nothing happened.

"I'm waterproofed!" he sneered.

"Damn it!"

I thought it would work.

I took off to the living room where there were several chunks of durian sitting on the table. Seeing the spikey shell on the fruit, I decided that I might as well give it a shot since I had limited choice for that matter, it could be the only way to get out of this mess. So I picked up one of the chunks and climbed up the stairs as the troll bot slowly marched toward the living room.

I took a golf club from one of the bedrooms and attacked Creb only to have him grabbed the club before it lands on his head. The troll bot smiled and said, "That's it? How pathetic!" as he bent the club with ease. Seeing that how the golf club attack failed miserably, I knew may have to resort to using a piece of fruit I hated the most.

I ran up the stairs once again and took the chunk of durian I kept in the bedroom before opening up the window where I would climb out in order to gain a tactical advantage over the troll bot. I held the chunk of stinky fruit with my mouth in order to use both hands so I won't fall while sliding down the rain gutter in order to re-enter the house from the front entrance.

After entering the building, I picked up the bent golf club before slowly climbing up the stairs and snuck into the bedroom where the troll bot was staring out the open window. I quickly slammed the durian onto his head and the spikey shell pierced right through the metal plate (what a cheap stuff). When I let go, the piece of fruit remained stuck on the troll bot's head thanks to the spikes and soon the sparks started to fly in every direction.

Creb then yelled, "Noooooooo!" in a very bland manner.

With the bent golf club, I proceeded to beat him until the troll bot falls to the ground squirming. I continued to beat him until Creb's voice became more robotic and said, "You fool, by defeating me, your fate is sealed...self-destruction sequence actives in...9...8...7..."

I dropped the golf club, stormed down the stairs and bolted out of the house shortly before it explodes.

The explosion created a shockwave powerful enough to knock out windows throughout the neighborhood and once it's over, I got up when someone came up to me and said, "Dennis! What are you doing here?"

"Michelle? Then that means..."

I looked up and behind her is the crew, even Peter's here too.

"Good to see you again..." I said.

"What the hell is going on?" one of them yelled.

I sighed and said, "It's a long story, what happened was t-" when I felt a sharp pain on my back.

Michelle's face turned white as she backed away.

I turned around and saw still alive Zacied bleeding from all over holding a knife and smiled, "It's over..." as he dropped dead.

"Dennis? Are you alright?" Peter asked.

"Yes I'm fine, not sure why you guys are here." I answered.

"That's because we heard that there are possible hackers that are being employed by the NSA and we came here to check to see if it's true but more improtantly, can you explain why they're after you?"

"I will, but first thing's first...can't you please call the ambulance..."

Then I passed out.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - August 9th, 2013


I woke up feeling groggy with a throbbing pain on the back of my head, having no idea what just happened. Once I slowly recover, I remember meeting an old friend before turning around and felt a whack to the back of my head.

"So you've finally woke up, took you a while!"

I shook my head and looked up in spite of the throbbing pain to see Trevor and few others standing right in front of me. I looked down to find myself tied up tightly to a metal chair.

I said, "What the hell is going on? Why are you with the guys from the Duck Division?"

Trevor smiled as he grabbed the side of his face to pull of a mask, revealing his true identity.

"Creb!"

Creb was a troll bot created by the Duck Division in order to create panic in the Newgrounds message board. Thankfully, one of the NG users Byte Slinger who happens to be a cyborg (long story) drove him away before he could do some real damage. Since then, the troll bot haven't been heard from and was assumed to be scrapped for parts in Detroit...until now!

"It's been a while, I heard that you pursued my creator, Chris Beer few years ago but now that you came back, we Duck Division shall take out one of the threats to our dominance on Newgrounds!" he said.

I could hear the lightning flashing outside.

"You guys are still trying to take over the website?" I said.

Creb grinned and said, "Of course, by taking over the site, we can take control of the portal by spamming it with crap so that way, no one can stand in our way toward the dominance on the internet!" followed by an evil laugh.

"But first, being that you used to hang out at the Barracks thread and once helped out on taking down our spam flashes, foiling us! However, knowing that you probably have some information, if you tell us, we'll spare you!" he continued.

"No." I said.

"You better tell us!"

"No."

"Tell us you faggot!"

"No."

"If you don't, we will hurt you!" he yelled.

"Even if I know, why the fuck would I tell you? With the crap you guys have pulled, there's no way I'm going to help destroy Newgrounds!" I answered.

Creb turned around and walked away saying, "Then it can't be helped...we were hoping that it won't come to this but you have left us no choice..."

The troll bot clapped and two of his men walked out of the door and would return some time later with a grocery bag. Then the bag was placed onto the table where the content was removed, unveiling what's probably one of the most heinous thing known to mankind...

"DURIAN?!" I screamed.

Creb chuckled and said, "I see you're quite familiar with this fruit, now you will tell us or we'll force you eat it!"

"YOU MONSTER!"

Durian is a fruit that is indigenous to Southeast Asia where it has a cult following. It's one of the most disgusting things that have ever existed and why people likes these I'll never understand. It's actually illegal in some parts of certain countries, can be used as a murder weapon, and not only that, forcing someone to eat a piece of the fruit is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

To think the quacky bastards would stoop to such levels...

As soon as they cut open the nasty piece of fruit, the room was filled with with nauseating stench that nearly made me want to throw up. Despite my previous encounters with durians, the stench is something I couldn't describe, because I didn't want to. It didn't take long for the stench to fill up my lungs to the point that I started to wish for death and this coming from a person who wants to live to 100.

Creb takes out a spoon and scooped out a piece of fruit from the shell before separating the flesh from the seed. The troll bot then toss the seed at me and laughed like a geek high on cocaine.

"You will tell us..." he said.

"...or we'll have no choice but to force you to eat this!"

"Fuck you!" was the answer from me.

"Fine!" the troll bot yelled.

He tried to force the fruit into my mouth but I refused to open it so the troll bot use his other hand to pry my jaw open. After doing so, I spat the piece of fruit right back at Creb and in response, the troll bot started to strangle me before letting go. After catching my breath, I coughed and said, "What are you waiting for? Just do it already, I rather die than eating this shit!"

Then I continued, "Or is it because you won't get the info you want?" in a mocking tone.

Creb threw a punch, knocking me over along with the chair.

Soon he starts rubbing a piece of durian on my face.

"You will talk or we will find a way to stuff a piece of durian into you, one way or another!" he said before walking out of the door.

It wasn't until a while later when I notice the rope became loosened, probably due to getting knocked down and all but it was still too tight to undo it. Having a bad taste in my mouth, I still felt sick and knew that if I don't get out of this soon, they will find a way to cram a piece of noxious fruit down my throat in order to get me to talk. With that, I tipped over and the rope began to loosen up further until one of the guards came and lifted me back up saying, "If you're trying to escape, it won't work, the chair is made of iron, there's no way you can break it!"

I tipped over again and then the guard laughed.

"You wouldn't give up would you? What a pathetic spectacle, especially coming from you!"

I tipped over again.

"Really? No matter how much you try, the chair won't break, give it up!"

I felt the rope slipping down and knew this to be my best chance.

"Zacied, even after all these years you're still the same stooge you have always been. Remember the time when I beat the crap out of you several years ago after you and your quacking friends tried to wreak havoc on Newgrounds by hacking into their accounts and even kidnapping them? Kidnapping me is one of the biggest mistakes the Duck Division have ever made, just behind using up the little resource you guys have to built a troll bot." I said.

Zacied smirked and said, "So you still remember me after all those years? True that I have been planning a revenge against you for sometime but does it matter now? You're all tied up and tried to break free, what are you going to do? Your Barracks friends have no idea what we've been up to and even then, that cyborg bitch's the only one who can do something to us...no matter, unlike last time, we will prevail!"

After lifting me back up, he tossed a piece of durian right at my face. As soon has he turned his back on me, I quickly undid the loosened rope and threw it at Zacied while his friend freaked out, running into the wall...yes I know, no wonder why the Duck Division became mostly defunct.

I picked up a chair and threw it at Zacied before running into the other room where I would hide in the basement. It was pitched black so I had no idea what I got myself into at that point and apparently, neither do they as I heard Zacied and his colleague arguing on whether they should look for me.

"You idiot! Creb told us not to go there, I don't know why but we should just wai-"

"No! That asshole ruined my life for the past several years, I will kill him if that's the last thing I do!"

Then he went after me in the basement.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - August 6th, 2013


This is getting ugly and here's why.

I know the members of the WBC won't give up but the fact that they hired a professional was bad enough but this time, they somehow managed to recruit a very dangerous individual. I know because he's one of the most notorious trolls on Newgrounds forum as he would make anti-semitic conspiracy posts which includes the good old "holohoax" posts.

He's a very evasive bastard but I never thought that he would be as exactly what his screen name described.

It all started when I went out to the store to buy a gallon of milk only to find out that they were out. What happened was that the truck shipping the gallon of milk broke down so the delivery was delayed.

There are few quarts in the store but they're all expired.

I decided to head on to Pathmark which happens to be few miles away and it would turn out to be one of the most grueling stroll I have ever taken, not only because of the summer heat, because of what I mentioned earlier.

On my way to the store, there's a car wash down the block from where Pathmark is, but then some of the people turned and their eyes grew wider than ever...

"YOU!" one of them yelled.

"Oh crap!"

I tried to make a run for it, only to slip on the soapy water and fell.

"Ow!"

Then someone came and kicked me in the side as he said, "There's no escape from us now!"

Two men then came and lift me to my feet before grabbing ahold of my arms.

The guy who kicked me looked at me and smiled, "It's over you heathen, time for you to meet your executioner...oh Sumo" and whistled.

A massively obese man wearing a thong emerged from the car wash and each step he took, his man boobs jiggled. I have no idea why but for some reason, I couldn't help but stare at the enormous racks, they're disgusting and huge but...I felt like cutting them open. Then he starts stretching and performed some jumping jacks which made me laugh for a bit.

"Do you think that scares me? Look at him, it's hilarious!" I said.

"So you dare to mock him? Just wait until he makes his move!" the WBC member said.

Then suddenly, the sumo wrestler's belly stretched and whacked me right in the face.

The two men then let go of me and moved away to watch the show.

I was stunned at what I just saw, he stretched!

At that point I realize that I'm up against someone inhuman and reminds me of a person with a screen name that has the description as him, only thing missing was...

"HEIL HITLER!" the stretchy sumo wrestler yelled as he lifted his arm to perform a Nazi salute.

"It's him!" I muttered.

Then his arm stretched and punched me in the face.

Before I could recover, I felt another punch to my face and already I became dizzy. As I stumbled backwards, I bumped into one of the passerbys who pushed me out of the way and yelled at me.

Then I felt another hit to my head and a punch to my stomach.

"This is the end for you heathen! For years you have made a mockery of our church but today is the day where everyone will learn that no one messes with us and live!" the WBC member yelled.

I regained my footing and focused on the stretchy sumo.

Then I looked around to see if there's something I could use as a weapon, anything, that is until I saw a discarded windshield wiper on the ground. I picked it up and dodged a punch by the stretchy sumo and swung it at his neck, only to see him stretching it backward to avoid the swipe and headbutted me to the ground. I got up but then he grabbed me by the throat and threw me to the ground.

"You idiot, you're supposed to break his neck, not throw him to the ground!"

I got up and backed away in time and said to the WBC member, "Too...late..." as I tried to catch my breath.

Soon, the unthinkable would occur, the stretchy sumo detached his man boobs and swung it at me. I wasn't able to get out of the way in time and was knocked few feet to the side onto somebody's car, turning on the car alarm. But then the stretchy sumo dropped his man boobs and covered his ears while screaming like a child throwing a massive tantrum.

"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" he screamed.

Seizing this opportunity, I landed a jump kick at his stomach...only to get caught in his massive flesh and felt my limb sinking into the belly. I tried to pull my self out but my arms got caught and was getting sucked in as well.

Then the morbidly obese life-sized Stretch Armstrong doll let out a huge burp and his belly shot me out onto the noisy vehicle, stopping the alarm. Before I could get up, the glass on the car door shattered over my head and saw the stretchy sumo's outstretched arm retracting back to it's owner. For a moment my body wasn't able to move despite my mind screaming for it to do so as I watch him stretch his neck until his face is an inch away from mine...

"Boo!"

Then he stretched it back to his body.

The people from the WBC all laughed maniacally.

Knowing that there's no way I can beat this guy, not to mention the fact that the people watching the whole thing didn't seem to bother calling the police, there was only one thing left to do.

"Here goes nothing!" I thought.

"Hey, Stretchy, this morning on Newgrounds, someone banned you from what I heard!" I yelled.

The stretchy sumo gave a dumb look on his face and growled, "Huh?"

"There are some threads talking about your ban from the forum for making anti-Semitic posts!"

The stretchy sumo started to whimper and bounced away yelling, "Don't ban meeeeeeeeeee!"

I finally got up and dust myself off before feeling a bit woozy from the hits I took when the WBC member said, "You cheap bastard, how dare you weasel your way out of this?"

"You should have known better than to hire a Newgrounds user to kill me, especially when he happens to be a troll." I said.

All three WBC members hopped into their washed vehicle and said, "You may have lucked out but next time...we'll get you!" before driving away.

The police finally arrived and they took me for questioning.

They didn't believe me at first until several witnesses told them the exact same thing. You have to admit, it's hard to believe that there would be a stretchy sumo wrestler attacking the place.

In the end, they let me off and send me to the hospital for some medical attention. I was out after few hours and wanted to return home for a rest, I decided that the milk can wait for another day.

Then I came across a familiar face.

"Trevor?"

The individual looked at me and said, "Huh?"

"C'mon buddy, I know it's you, where have you been? It's been ages since you last posted on Newgrounds!"

Then he recognized me and said, "Oh hey, I remember you!"

"What the hell happened to you?" he asked.

"I had a fight," I said.

Trevor laughed and said, "Sure, no really, what happened?"

"You know the construction area few blocks form here? I accidentally fell." I lied.

He sighed and said, "This is why you need to pay attention, you're lucky to be alive."

We high fived and talked about the time when a group of spammers known as the "Duck Division" came and hacked several moderators. Eventually, the hackers and spammers would disappear once the site administrator Wade Fulp took them down with a help from the users from "Elite Guard Barracks". The Barracks members would become the biggest nemesis for the Duck Division and helped made sure that they're no longer relevant.

There are rumors that some of the surviving members of the Duck Division tried to track down the Barracks members in hope for some revenge, but nothing really came out of it.

It was a pleasant surprise seeing an old friend and I asked him when he will go back on Newgrounds where he was known as "SilentCobra". He said, "Once I have time I'll be back, but I have things to do."

"Okay, but it's good to see you." I said.

"Same to you."

As I turned around to head on home, I felt a blow to the back of my head and suddenly blacked out.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - July 27th, 2013


Aaron Hernandez was the starting tight end of a Super Bowl contending team known as the New England Patriots. For a while he had it all, fame, fortune, glory, women, and a shot to win a Super Bowl ring. However, as the New England Patriots would learn, once a thug will always be a thug as the team and Aaron Hernandez himself would soon learn.

It all started after signing a multi-million dollar contract extension which helps lock him up with the team for the prime of his career. Aaron Hernandez was living it up big time by partying all night long with his bitches and hoes as the Tupac album plays at full volume which caused the neighbors to file a complaint against the tight end.

Aaron Hernandez, being the kind of person he is couldn't take it very well so once in a while he would challenge his neighbors to a street fight.

Each fight would end in a injury to the poor sap who accepted the challenge from the tight end. One day, Aaron Hernandez would resort to a more drastic measure when he learned that his mother is dating a semi-pro football player, Odin Lloyd. Being that he's a Norse mythology buff, Aaron was okay at first, even became friends with Odin. However, as time went by, the tight end starting to become paranoid. What if Odin sees him as a threat and decides to smite him? He read the comic and watched Thor more than enough times to figure that Odin might eventually turn against him.

Aaron had two choices to make, either he could ignore the fact that his friend happens to have a name of a Norse god and hope that he doesn't smite him or try to keep it real.

"Something has got to be done!" he thought.

With that, he chose to keep it real!

So the tight end contacted his friends, Carlos Ortiz and Ernest Wallace to ask them for assistance.

"Guys, this Odin guy is on to me, I have a feeling he might try to smite me one day!" he said.

"What are we going to do, brotha?" asked Carlos.

Ernest smacked him on the back of his head and said, "Aaron called us so what do you think? He's asking us for help!"

"That's right, thanks man, I know I can count on you guys!" said Aaron.

"You can't trust anyone anymore..."

Later that night, Aaron's friends went out to a karoake bar where they proceed to get drunk. At first everything was fine, but when "Copacabana" by Barry Manilow started to play, the singers sung the song badly without any concern of what might happen to them because they were young and had each other. Ernest became angry at how his favorite song was being butchered so a punch was thrown and the chair was smashed into. A gunshot was heard but no one knows who tried to shoot whom.

Ernest and Carlos were thrown out of the bar.

Next morning, Aaron Hernandez met up with the two in the apartment he recently rented in order to plan out the murder of his mother's boyfriend.

"Okay, listen, we have to be careful because it could mean the end of my career if things goes wrong." said Aaron.

"C'mon Aaron, this is our best chance to knock off this motherfucka!" said Carlos.

"Yeah, if we screw up then this could be the end of all of us!" said Ernest.

The three got into the car and drove to the industrial park where Aaron asked Odin to be at in promise that he would find a roster spot for the semi-pro football linebacker if the request is complied. Excited at the prospect of getting a spot in a professional football team and contending team at that, Odin starts texting to his sister.

"Did you see who I am with?"

"Who?" his sister asked.

"NFL!" Odin replied.

"Really?"

"Just so you know."

Not long after, a car arrived.

Aaron Hernandez and his two friends got out to Odin's surprise.

"Aaron, who are these people? Do they play for the Patriots too?" Odin asked.

The two men then grabbed Odin by his arms.

"Hey, what's this about?"

Aaron smiled and said, "No, they're not from the NFL and neither will you!" as he points a gun at the semi-pro football player's direction.

Stunned, Odin said, "Aaron, what's going on here? Is this a joke?"

Several shots were fired that night.

The next day, the body was discovered and upon hearing the news, Aaron Hernandez then took his cell phone apart and waited until the police arrived.

"Mr. Hernandez, a body was discovered one mile away from your home so we came here to see if you can help us with the investigation." said the police officer.

"Okay, I got nothing to hide!" said the tight end.

"Seeing that we were able to identity the body, it's also the reason why we came here so if you can turn over the cell phone to us, it can really help us with our investigation of the possible homicide."

"Okay."

Aaron then walks into his bedroom and came back with a pieces of the cell phone.

The police officer's smile quickly disappeared as he looked at what was left of the cell phone and said, "Sir, I'm afraid we need to talk!"

So Aaron was taken to the police station for questioning and each answer the Patriots tight end gave became more suspicious than the last. In time, Aaron Hernandez's accomplices to the murder were caught and one of them revealed the location of his secret apartment. Once the police searched the apartment, they were able to turn up enough evidence to convict the Patriots tight end for the crime.

Not long after the evidence against Aaron Hernandez were turned up, the New England Patriots terminated the contract with the tight end and his football career would soon come to an end.

Aaron Hernandez, the tragic story of a Pro Bowl tight end of the New England Patriots who seemingly had it all, only to throw it away for a life of crime. He could have gotten just about anything he could have wanted along with a shot for glory, now trying to stick it out as a football player by converting to a wide receiver in the prison room where he would catch passes from his new team mate affectionately known in prison among inmates as "Bubba" each night in the end zone.

Just another case of what can happen if keeping it real goes wrong.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - July 19th, 2013


I woke up at the hospital and saw a nurse replacing an empty bag with the one filled with clear liquid. The nurse turned and looked at me for a moment before walking away and not long after, the doctor came in and told me that was was out for five days.

"Never thought that much arsenic would be enough to come close to killing you, got to be one of the worse tolerance to that amount of this kind of poison I have ever encountered." he said.

"Oh and by the way, there are some people coming to see you."

A police officer and a detective came into the room to ask me some questions about the event the other day. What happened was that the head of the security confessed and soon, they arrested the person in charge of the branch of the company in this city. It helped that they received the files that were given anonymously which someone then left a tip, leading them to the building itself just after we finished playing the game of chicken.

Then they asked me what I was doing there in the first place and I knew I was in trouble until someone came in and told them to come back. While waiting for the two to return, I looked at the television placed on a corner of the ceiling and a movie Sharknado was on...*shudder*

They eventually came back and told me that someone explained how I was kidnapped and tried to escape and was forced to play what seems to be a "Russian Roulette". I went, "Uh...okay, yeah that's what happened,"

Then the detective asked, "Have you done something that might have given them a reason to kidnap you?"

I thought for a moment and said, "I was walking by and heard something so I decided to see what was going on. Then I came in too close then a bunch of men came and dragged me into the building claiming that I 'seen too much' or something."

They seemed to accept as I was no longer questioned.

Lucky me.

Then more people came in and I recognized them.

"Hey guys, good to see you're alright." I said.

"We should be worried about you; I thought I told you not to get involved and look at you, in a coma for four days due to your own reckless action!" Michelle yelled.

I couldn't say anything...

"You should be ashamed of what you have done, we were able to handle this ourselves and you had to get involved, be happy that we bailed you out on this one but don't expect this to happen again!" the other said, no idea who he is since I never really bother to know the rest of the crew.

"How's Peter?" I asked.

"He's coming around but he'll be out for sometime, as a interm leader of the group, I'm letting you go. It's clear that you have been a liability f-"

"But I was with you guys for about two weeks!" I cut in.

"And already you have caused us problems!"

"You wouldn't have known about the eye drops!"

"We would have found out eventually and even then, what you have done have placed us in dangers for years, we do-"

"Years?! What the fuck are you talking about? If you're going to kick me out, just say so, there's no need to make up some bullshit reason to do that like what Zimmerman did when he stalked a teenager at night!" I yelled.

Though I wasn't thinking of the irony regarding wjat I just said but they didn't caught on to it either.

He glared at me and they left except for Michelle who apologized about what happened but still said that she agreed with the decision. I was disappointed but too tired to be upset since there's no point.

A day after being released from the hospital, I head on home where I spend some time on Newgrounds racking up some flash game medal points. There wasn't much to do since I was thrown out, I hope Peter does something about this once he recovers but if not, oh well. Either way, I'm glad the whole thing's over and with the tainted eye drops being put to a halt, it won't be long until the conspiracy in Minneapolis ends as well. Can't really count on the news to report that one despite covering the events related to that so I'll have to hope for the best.

But hey, no more zombies!

Besides that, right now much of the news are devoted to the Trayvon/Zimmerman episode and how the jurors screwed up by acquitting the latter, not even a manslaughter charge, weak!

I have a feeling it's going to get ugly.

Something usual happened on YouTube though, it tried to ask me to use my real name in place of my screen name, what the heck is it with that? Something's up, I mean it's something they would do in China...what the hell is going on here? Bad enough that the administrator have been giving the website series of pointless redesigns that made it harder to navigate and even took away some features, now this?

If one change is to be made, it's this, I want the old channel design back!

That and moderate the comments section.

Guess it seems that Google wanted their very own Facebook and decides to butcher YouTube so they can turn it into a social network site because their previous attempt in Google+ flopped.

Someone will have to stop this somehow but I really don't think it's going to happen, seriously Google will just ignore it as always, nothing we can do about it but form a pointless petition that never works.

That's all for my pointless ramble on Google's mismanagement of a formerly great video sharing site in YouTube.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - July 15th, 2013


"So you lost the bet and had to wade through the sewage for one hour?"

"Yeah, that's what happened." I lied.

"Why do you have to do something insanely stupid? You accepted a bet under this condition and lost despite it being a long shot to win...why the hell did you accept that bet!" yelled Peter.

"You know what? Forget it!" he grunted while spraying Febreze all over me and I coughed for a bit.

"Anyway, I send some people to Minneapolis to find information of the corporation you told us about, managed to retrieve a file and faxed it to me."

He gave me a copy of the file and I said, "So what's going on?"

"I don't know, it's all we got for now, it will take time but from what we know, they are preparing an eye drop like you said but there is something sinister behind this..." he said.

"So that's it then?" I said.

"What do you think?"

I looked around and said, "Where is everybody?"

"They need to take a break for now, the reason why I asked you to meet me is to let you know what your suspicions may be on target but we still can't determine whether it's behind the zombie invasion. If it is then something will have to be done in order to prevent it from becoming a full blown zombie apocalypse or the whole thing will be over." Peter answered.

I took a deep breath and sighed, "What do you think we should do to stop this?"

"Right now, we'll need more evidence to be certain, time will tell...as long not too much time passes," he said.

"You can say that again."

After that we part ways and agreed to meet again the next day.

Remembering what I have forgotten to do the day before, I went to the electronic store to buy some batteries and head on home where I would spend much of the time washing off the sewer smell and I might have used up few bar of soaps and half of the entire reservoir. It was tough dealing with the smell and while I did managed to wash it off, the stench would still remain in my nose for few more days. Afterward, the rest of the day was pretty uneventful as I watched TV and wasn't really paying much attention to the news as it was the same thing until it got to the report of members of the Westboro Baptist Church traveling to New York City and it was believed that they're planning to stage a protest.

But I knew their true intention...in fact one of them gave it away in the interview where she let it slip that, "An infidel have been waging war against us and we shall find him in this city!"

"What did this person do to deserve your church's attention?" the reporter asked.

"HE VIOLATED OUR BRETHREN, HE SHALL PAY!" was the answer.

I can see that the end isn't in sight, that's for certain.

The next day, we were playing Candy Land in the van by folding the seat down where the board game would be placed on top. After winning for the third time in the row, the amount of candies we gambled piled up on my side, causing some accusations that I was cheating. The accusations increased when I took the lead and was close to the finish line.

"That's not fair, there's no way you could have gotten lucky again!" Aaron yelled.

"Just because you didn't have a childhood it doesn't mean you should act like a twit over losing a board game for kids!" I said.

"You're cheating, that's the only reason why you're winning!" he said.

"If it's the case then why didn't I win the first time?" I asked.

"You were biding time,"

"What?"

"You didn't cheat the first time so no one would suspect you later on!"

I sighed and said, "If it makes you feel any better, after this match, I won't participate on the later games."

"Deal!" Aaron yelled.

Michelle turned to look at us and asked, "How old are you guys? Really!"

What a nosy woman.

Once the game was finished, as a part of the agreement, I with drew from further matches to make sure that the crybaby won't throw a hissy fit over a game he sucked at. I looked out the window and said, "You know, stakeouts usually happens during the night, not everyday that there would be one done during the day...doesn't this makes us a bit conspicuous?"

"We know, but the thing is that they're supposed to work during the night but with activities being heard outside this building, something was up and to make sure nobody suspects a thing, we parked in a location where people would believe we're waiting for something." said Peter.

"We are waiting for something." I said.

"They won't suspect that however, remember most of their most capable men are still in Minneapolis,"

Remembering what happened that time, I said, "Okay sure, why not?"

If that's the best they have, then the people the company have in this city must have been jokes!

Turns out it wouldn't be the case because the next day while watching the evening news, I would learn that Peter and few others were beaten into coma. It's believed that the robbery was involved but I knew better. To think that I was mad when Michelle came to my house that morning to tell me that I should stay home because they felt that the whole situation can be handled by themselves. I calmed down when she said that it has nothing to do with whether I could help or not, just that Peter felt I have done enough by giving him the information about the company back in Minneapolis and how they just received the fax from the spies he send.

"Are you sure about this? What if something went wrong?" I asked.

"It will be fine, we just need to report this to the police and the media so the whole thing will be exposed." she answered.

"I hope so, if things went wrong, I do-"

"It's okay, we'll be fine and you just need to relax, especially after wading in the sewer..." she laughed.

"Very funny," I said.

Turns out they're wrong and knowing this, I considered the possibility that some might have been taken hostage as well so I went to the shed to grab what I need to help.

But it turns out to be unnecessary, why?

You'll find out in the next chapter.

It's a good thing my parents are away for two weeks, they were hard on me for being away for all that time in my previous adventures...

After taking the several buses to reach the location where it happened, I prepared myself by making sure my pistol is loaded along with other things I felt might be needed in case it comes down to a certain scenario that could happen, though I didn't think one would occur. As suspected, only one man was guarding the entrance but I still went around to the back to see if there's a back door...which there is and it's unlocked!

But just as I was about to enter, the door swung open and hits me in the face.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

Before I could recover from the door slam to the face, a group of men ganged up on me and not long afterward, I was thrown out of the area.

"You better not come back or we'll call the police!"

Not willing to give up, I tried climbing through the open window...only to learn that it's a restroom window and a stall opened just when I got in. I fell right out of the window and hid behind the bush.

"What the hell? Who's looking through the window? Faggot..."

Then he shuts the window.

I tried the side entrance but it turns out that side of the building was still under construction.

I figured that having no time to lose, I went for it and immediately...I got lost. Inside was like an urban jungle in decay, some of the floors caved in and nearly fell on me, it's like starring in a Indiana Jones movie with an ending from the novel "My Sister's Keeper", it's that screwed up. Throughout the journey in the dark side of the innards of the building, I encountered some death traps and rats, but in the end I made my way into the building itself which made me wonder why they didn't fix the damn place yet? Can't believe they're still using that place, it's like the Deutsche Bank building that should have been torn long before 2011.

I quietly entered the room through the cupboard (I know), and fell to the kitchen floor where a chef looked at me for a minute before proceeding to do what he was doing, cooking frog legs.

"You should leave, it's distracting and I have no idea why you people never finished fixing the place." he said, thinking I'm one of the construction workers.

"I wonder the same thing," I said.

I left the kitchen and ordered a can of soda from the nearby vending machine before bumping into a security guard shortly afterward. He recognized me and before he could do anything, I pulled out a gun and points it right at his forehead. That's when we begin to exchange somewhat cliched dialogues where I would regret doing what I just done, here's why.

"You realize that there's no way you will be able to succeed whatever you're planning right?" he said.

"I know what your bosses are up to and no matter what happens...you didn't notice? You people are fucking inept!" I yelled.

"What are you talking about? You'll never succeed, after the break in recently we tightened up the security to make sure that there would be no escape in case it happens again!"

I frozed a bit and said, "There was a break in?"

"Yes, some of the documents were stolen and the people escaped into the van. We have no idea where they went so the company send some men after them, they should got to them by now." he said with a smug grin.

That's right, some of the members of Peter's group went in and took the documents so there was no need for me to break into the place...GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It gets worse after that, why?

He snapped his fingers and several people came out of hiding and surrounded us.

"As you can see, there's no way out so if you want to live, I suggest you to let me go and we'll simply call the police." he said.

Then it came to me.

"What if the people who took the documents turn them over to the police first?" I asked.

After minutes of silence, he said, "Damn it!"

"I'm more upset than you are with the way the Yankees are hitting right now." I said.

"What does this got to do with anything?" he asked.

"Everything!" I yelled.

"You're unbelievable, but either way it's over for you!"

He has a point, that dialogue did came out of nowhere but still...anyway, I looked around to see if there's something that can help me, anything...then I saw a table.

"How about we sit on the table?" I asked.

The security guard I held hostage said, "Getting desperate aren't you?"

Once we seated in front of each other by the table, the guard then said, "What are you up to?"

"Got two cups?" I asked while taking out a can of Coke.

"Okay?"

He gestures his men to bring in two small cups so we waited for minutes before they were placed onto the table.

I popped open the tab and pour the soda into each cup. Soon afterward, I took out a small packet of arsenic and turned around each time I pour the content into each cup before placing them back onto the table. I even made sure none of the guards surrounding us saw what I was doing.

"I get it now, but too bad I watched the movie Princess Bride as well and I know how it works."

"Care to explain?" I asked.

"It's simple, you're probably expecting me to agonize my decision so that way you can stall some time until something happens, but I'm sorry, deus ex machina doesn't apply to real life bud!" he answered.

"You can't blame me for trying and besides, if you back out then how would your men look at you?" I said.

He glared at me and said, "Fine, I'll play that little game of yours but in the end it will be you who made the wrong choice!"

I cracked my fingers and said, "We'll see."

So we sat there for over an hour when the head of the security guard said, "Aren't you making your move?"

I shook my head and said, "No, you're supposed to choose first!"

"Let's settle this, rock, paper, and scissor?"

"Best of 7?"

We started the game with several stalemates and I heard someone making a joke about the episode of The Regular Show regarding this and so on. I took the lead when I beat his scissor with my paper, but then he took the next two matches, leading 2-1. I was able to tie it by beating him on the fourth match with a scissor before hitting another series of stalemates.

I finally took control by leading 3-2, then we hit few more stalemates before taking the match at 6.

I exhaled and said, "Okay, now that's over with, time for you to make a decision."

Just as he was about to reach for the cup, the head of the security stopped and said, "Knowing full well that we both saw that movie, I know you're expecting me to stall for time by talking about how I would do this and that."

"How do you figure?" I asked.

"It's obvious isn't it? First I would agonize on making a decision and knowing that I won't back down in front of my men, I will have to pick out one of the two."

"What else?"

"Next, you will try to lead me into thinking that you poisoned both cups but I really doubt you would go that far? The only reason it worked in the movie is because Elwes' character developed immunity to poison, I really doubt you have."

"What made you think so?" I asked with a hint of apprehension.

The head of the security laughed and said, "Hear that? That tone in your voice is telling me that you only poisoned one cup, you have to be an idiot to do what Elwes did. Not only that, why else would you want me to choose first? It's because had you choose first, you would have picked the one that wasn't poisoned, thus giving it all away!"

I looked on without saying anything.

"As you can see, it's a matter of time before your plan goes awry!"

"But you still don't know which one is poisoned though." I said.

Then he stood silent and sat back down.

We waited for who knows how long because at that point I didn't bother to look at the clock. The head of the security eyed the cups and said, "What if you didn't poison the cups...no, the packet was empty..."

"Take your time." I said.

"You think you could get me to stall do you? Well, think again as I...er...nice try, you tried me to rush my decision so I could pick the wrong one but it's not going to work, nice attempt playing a mind game but it won't work!" he said.

"I'm still waiting for you to make your move."

"But that's the thing, after I would think you couldn't dare to poison both cups, I realize that you would think that I would think that you wouldn't go that far and did indeed poisoned both cups, a clever plan. But then again, you're probably expecting that so you poisoned only one cup and placed the harmless one on your side because it's likely that you believe that I would believe the harmless cup would be on my side and choose it."

"Is that all?" I sighed.

"Far from it, after you expected me to think that, it would turn out that the harmless one is in fact on your side while the poisoned one is on mine...wait! You would think I would think that do you? Think again, you're the fool as there's no way I would fall for that trick but then again...you could have known that I would think that and remembering what happened in that scene, you would expect me to trick you into looking the other way so I would switch the cups, landing my side the poisoned one instead..." he said.

My head started to grow dizzy.

"Are you done yet?" I said.

"No, in fact, I've figured it out!" he said triumphantly.

"Really?"

"Of course!"

I stretched my arms and said, "Please, do tell!"

"The packet you have, it's not poison is it? In fact, it's powdered sugar!" he yelled.

I jumped a bit before regaining my composure and said, "You really think so?"

He chuckled and said, "The tone in your voice confirms it! But your bluff is impressive as you were able to stall for hours but the game have to end."

"You still have to drink first." I said.

"Nice try, after making me believing that you would be foolish enough to poison even one of those cups, it's fair that we both drink it."

"Okay, fine then."

We both took the cup at the same time and the head of the security said, "Cheers!"

After downing the soda, I sat back and wait.

"What are you waiting for? Being that you could no longer stall for anymore time, it's the end for you!"

He pulled out a gun and pointed it at my face.

I smiled nervously and said, "Same for you..."

He began to breathe shallowly and soon his face started to turn pale.

I started to have difficulty breathing as well and soon, his men came to hold him up.

He glared at me and said, "Y-you...it can't be...you actually..."

I nodded.

"You...fool...you...really...did...it..."

"I know..." I wheezed.

Then I heard the commotion at the entrance just when I collapsed to the floor and begin to black out.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - July 10th, 2013


Remember that stupid cliche that one would often encounter in the U.S?

Often times you would meet a redneck who would harass you just because he assumes that well...here's what happened that day.

I was out to buy some batteries when I accidentally bumped into someone on my way to the electronic store. The person acted like he had just been shot and once he calmed down, I hastily apologized and he shoved me, saying "What's with the stutter? You're not from this country ain't ya?" before shoving me again. Before I could say anything, he then said, "What's the matter? Can't speak American?" and huffed like a hot air balloon.

It gets worse...

"Don't understand what I'm saying? How about this, in thirs countly, we speek Amelican, undelstand?"

For a moment, I thought he said pelican.

At that point and angel appeared on my right shoulder while the devil appeared on my left.

The devil said, "What are you waiting for? Just kill him, it's not like there are people would care, remember what happened over three years ago? He could be lying on the ground bleeding and nobody would bother to dial 911 for this guy!"

Then the angel said "No, don't listen to him, the people would know and that incident he's referring to was a circumstance that caught attention, it's not worth killing this man for insulting and I know you're still mad at what happened that day with Wong Chen."

Then the devil yelled, "Shut up you goody two shoes! Do you think he would let this guy off the hook? There's only two choice Dennis, is either you kill this man or walk away like the pussy you are, what is it going to be?"

The angel then said, "Please don't do it, if you kill him, not only you would get charged for murder, you could wind up in prison. Just think about the consequences and remember what the prisons are famous for, do you want that? He's not worth it!"

The devil became angry and said, "Damn you fucking annoying!"

The angel then said, "I had enough of you trying to start things like this!"

Then the two went at and starts beating the crap out of each other before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

"Hey, HEY, are you listening to me slanty? Thought so, you don't understand what I'm saying do you? You people move into our country, take our jobs and you never bother to learn our language, the American language! If you don't assimilate...oh wait, become American and learn to speak American, you better get out!"

At least he didn't say 'MURICA.

I punched him in the face and he yelled, "What the fuck?"

I ran into the furniture store and he gave chase until I picked up a folding stool.

"What are you gonna do, beat me with this?" he yelled.

"Yes you stupid redneck, spout that bullshit again I will put you into coma and for your information, it's English you twit!" I yelled back.

Taken by surprise, the red neck said, "So you can speak, damn bilinguals...you should have said so in the first place." and left.

After he left the store, someone tapped me in the shoulder and said, "Excuse me sir, are you going to buy that stool?"

I put down the stool and left.

But the day would be far from over thanks to my another encounter with the members of the Westboro Baptist Church.

The encounter felt like it's being scripted because as soon as I got out of the store, couple of people walked by and they recognized me.

"Hey, it's you!"

"Get him!"

And so the chase begins.

After sprinting for a block, I stopped and turned around to head toward the WBC member and punched one of them in the face before turning back. I could hear them yelling, "You shall pay for that you dirty fag loving heathen!"

I took a quick shortcut by heading into the construction area where they were fixing the underground pipe. I quickly veered away and hide, waiting for the WBC lunatics to show up looking for me. One of them being the dumbass he is, jumped into the pit and I could hear some yelling of which the WBC member started to scream and I couldn't make out what it was, all I know was that the construction workers in their had to restrain him and he would be arrested later that day.

The other member on the other hand saw a dog tied to the pole just outside of the Dunkin Donuts. Because the dog is a poodle, the idiot then said, "You fag dog...you shall go to hell you spawn of gay Satan!" and spat on it. The dog bit him in the leg and he starts kicking and screaming until the animal was flung right off his leg before stumbling right onto me.

"There you are!" he yelled.

I took off before he could grab me.

We would spend the next several hours playing a "cat and mouse" chase in which I had to make every turns to avoid the person in order to shake him off. While doing so, I stepped on a fat woman's shoe (she's wearing a pair of kid's shoe and I could her feet bulging out) and she yelled, "Ouch, jarbjarbjarbjarb..." as I tried to apologize. However, she continued to yell some gibberish at me, I wondered what would happen if I poke her with a stick, would she pop? If so, would the fat ooze out or explode right out?

So I poked her and she starts clucking like a poorly imitated hen until the woman began to bawk. Afterward I made a run for me because she said that she's going to eat me...actually she didn't say that but still, could anyone put it past her? I know I'm sounding like a dick for mocking her just now but c'mon...anyway, back to what happened soon after...I hid in the manhole because I figured that she won't be able to fit through and I was right, but the problem is that the WBC member saw the ruckus and he followed so you can guess what happened next.

That's where the action happened, sewer jousting!

As, I sprinted down the sideway next to the sewage although it was still shallow at that point, a crocodile popped right out of the sludge and I jumped a bit, causing me to stumble into the sewage. I had a feeling that the crocodile was mocking me because it saw me falling into a river of smelly stuff that came from countless toilets that were flushed.

I could here someone coming toward us and not surprisingly, it's that WBC member who still wouldn't stop tailing me. Not only that, he's even riding on a crocodile while armed with a broom at the same time.

"You thought you can hide from me you dirty heathen, but with god on my side, you infidel shall be punished!" he said.

I expected him to say "Allahu akbar!" or something like that.

Without thinking, I hopped onto the crocodile and he tried to shake me off until the WBC member laughed and said, "Do you really believe you can fright me with that? What a pathetic creature you got there!" and his crocodile starts making a taunting sound. My crocodile stopped and I can guess that hearing the taunt, he wanted to prove himself and let me ride for the battle. But the second before it begins, I realized that I was unarmed...and not long after I felt a hit in the face and almost fell off the crocodile.

As I struggled to stay on, I realized another thing so I asked, "How did you stay on the crocodile and joust well?"

He smiled and said, "Since you're going to die by my hand, I might as well tell you, it all started when I was a little tyke..."

Then he goes on about his life growing up in Texas where his family morals would be instilled, his high school days, the day when he dropped out and moved to Kansas where he joined the Westboro Baptist Church which allowed him to embrace his homophobic heritage.

"That's when they realize that once the time comes, forces are needed to defeat the unholy likes such as you, so they trained selective few including me on the art of jousting, especially alligator jousting, the crocodile was done for good measure if it ever comes to that." he said.

Soon he laughed and said, "Without a weapon, how are you going to win against me?"

Without answering, I got the crocodile to slowly move toward him and attempted to throw a punch before getting hit in the face by a broomstick, nearly knocking me off the animal once again. I could hear the laugh while struggling to get back onto the crocodile's back and realized something, with the slow motion...I knew there is a way I can end this.

For the next charge, I kept my eye on the broomstick and once the WBC member swung his weapon directly at me, I grabbed it with my right hand and tried to pull it, hoping to make him fall off, but instead the stick snapped like a piece of twig. I quickly threw the piece of broomstick at him and threw a punch at the man's face, knocking him off his steed. Soon the animal turned on him and I could hear him scream in the midst of the struggle as the crocodile was eating him alive, leaving a severed arm floating toward us.

If it weren't for that mirror house incident years ago, that scene would have haunt me in my nightmares. I did felt a bit bad about that guy but in the end, he got what he deserved anyway.

After finishing his meal, the crocodile swam away while mine took me to the ladder where I would get off and we part ways. I climbed up the ladder to the manhole and pushed the manhole cover right off. I slowly poked my head out and saw a truck coming towards me so I quickly duck, waiting for the vehicle to pass right through before checking to see if it's safe enough to climb out.

As soon as I did so, a pick up truck came and I barely dodged it in time.

The vehicle stopped and the driver yelled, "What the fuck are you doing in the middle of the street, are you trying to get killed? Really..." before he noticed the foul odor and saw the uncovered manhole.

"Did you just climbed out of the sewer?"

He quickly drove away before I could say anything and after that I returned home. It would take the next few days for me to wash off the sewage smell as even several hours in the shower couldn't get rid of the stench that easily.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - July 7th, 2013


Tony DarkGrave never believed in a grey morality. To him, life is all about absolute right and wrong, good and evil, and that everything done by the authority figures are justified for the sake of good. Ironically, he's also an overly patriotic twit obsessed with rights to bear arms and thinks the government wanted to take his guns away, but that's another story for another day.

One day, Tony's position would be put into a test when a NSA agent was standing by the alleyway and said, "Hey, come over here, I have a question for you to ask!"

Tony did as told without question.

As they came into the alley, the NSA suddenly stopped him and said, "Okay, can you drop your pants and bend down?"

Tony frozed for a bit but then he figured that whatever it is, the NSA agent must have a good reason for making such order. Without a word, Tony did as told and not long after, he could hear the NSA agent unzipping his own pants. After few hours have passed, Tony limped out of the alley like something is stuck inside of his pants while the NSA agent laughed.

When Tony recounted the event to his friends the next morning, some of them laughed believing it to be some weird dream he had while others asked him why he didn't report the incident.

The naive fool of a redneck said, "Everything that law enforcement does is done for our freedom and safety and as I am a freedom loving patriotic American, I endorse undercover operations if they assist the police force."

"You stupid dumbass, that one particular member of the law enforcement just...that's not for freedom and safety, that's a abuse of rights and it shouldn't happen!" his friend yelled.

Tony got up and said, "You're just jellyous because I did what I can to help the police, you anarchists can go to hell!"

Then he left the room.

Few days later, his body was found hung with a small pack of cocaine right below with a supposed suicide note that was written with a hand writing other than his. Despite the suspicion, suicide was ruled.

Meanwhile in Britain, David Kelly turned over in his grave and muttered, "Bullshit!"


Posted by Idiot-Finder - June 29th, 2013


"I'm not surprised, I was trying to warn you about Wong Chen, he did that before because he tends to fold at the worst possible time." said Peter.

"Is that why you're protecting that stupid asshole right now?" I asked.

"No, the truth is none of us have any idea where he is now but even then, he's adept in picking locks which helps us get the information we needed." he answered.

Then I said, "If that's the case, aside from his backstabbing cowardice, that would mean without him then no one will pick the lock to the glass house though now I rather be partnered with someone else."

"Yes but ever since we acquired a gadget that allows us to open any locks with ease, we had no need for him but we couldn't just kick him out, in fact he became insecure because of this, which is why he was willing to go with you before he fell apart."

Still feeling the aches on my body came from the beatings I took few days before, I said, "Still not feeling any sympathy for that twit, I'm still going to fucking kill him..."

"You'll have to wait in line." Peter sighed.

Thankfully, ever since the destruction of the glass house, the presense of the WBC members in New York have disappeared so we were able to begin our mission. But I wasn't allowed to take part in it as I wasn't in any shape to do so. What happened was that there's a suspicious activities reported in a small house near Canarsie Rockaway Parkway subway station.

I aways recognize the row of small houses near the station, often times the place would be infested with pigeons so it's generally unsafe to venture into this area without an umbrella.

"Why are they taking so long?"

"Probably because they're too busy scrubbing off the pigeon crap." I said.

"Shut up, seriously why are they taking so long?"

Then Peter said, "It takes time, if they get impatient, the operation may fall apart."

Yeah, the operation can fall apart alright, see that we're a bunch of wannabes led by a private investigator. All I know is that there is a good chance I might regret join them as something weird might turn up, but what?

It didn't take long for that question to be answered.

I heard someone yelling, "Enrique! David! Get out of there! The pink-eyed zombies...they're here!"

I looked out the window and saw a bunch of people walking toward the houses...they looked just like the ones I came across over a month before!

David and Enrique tried to escape but the zombies pulled them away and we had no choice but to drive away. Couple of people were mourning the loss and one of them got on my case for not crying over someone I hardly knew, I mean really. I was going to punch her in the face when someone came and pulled her away saying, "Don't be hard on him, it's not going to bring those two back!"

"Thank you hotel receptionist." I said.

"No need to, but it still doesn't changed what happened back in Minneapolis." said the receptionist.

"Also, stop calling hotel receptionist, my name is Michelle and I'm not telling you my last name in case you ask!" she continued.

As people in the van were discussion the red eye looking zombies, I start recounting the adventure I had in Minneapolis and suddenly, it hit me. The red eye...why does it sound familiar?

It's because of the incident I got myself involved in where a little girl with psychic powers was pursued by some members of a shady corporation hoping to experiment on her or something like that, truth to be told, it might have been a part of another project of theirs as I don't know the whole story. Maybe I should have asked her sister when the situation was resolved but if it's what I suspected, we're in for a big surprise.

"Are the zombies connected to 'Red Eye'?" I asked.

"Who is asking you, shut up!" someone yelled.

I looked around for the person who said that when Peter said, "The 'Red Eye'?"

"Yeah." I answered.

"You don't mean..."

I told him about the incident in Minneapolis and some of the people laughed, to be fair, it does sound weird and too ridiculous to be taken seriously. To further my point, one of the people said, "Oh come on Peter, you're not believing this crap do you? An ultimate eye drop?"

"No, actually he could be on to something." he said.

"What?!"

"We first met in Cleveland over a year ago, what happened was that we came across a strange event that seems irrational so I wouldn't be surprised if what Dennis said is true."

Couple of people begin to yell.

"What the fuck are you talking about? Just because you met him before you have to...gah!"

"Yeah seriously! This is pure bullshit! I'm getting out of there...stop the car!"

We had to restrain the idiot from opening the car door and I said, "There are zombies walking around, if you don't believe that something's up then you're fucking blind!"

He spat on me and I slammed his head right through the window before getting myself restrained in the process.

"Dennis, stop! He's not worth it!"

The van stopped and the idiot got off the vehicle.

I was given a tissue to wipe the spit off my face and said, "You know what? Let him go, if he gets pulled apart by a zombie like that stupid asshole in 'Shaun of the Dead', it's not my problem, he can go to hell for all I care!"

Some of the people helped calmed me down a bit but I was still upset because it was disgusting, who wants to get spat on? Especially in the face? I still remembered the time in elementary school when one of my classmates spit on me and some of them went into my mouth. The memory still haunts me to this very day so naturally, I'm not very forgiving to people who does that.

I even told them and one of them said, "Do you need to tell us? I don't want to hear that."

Few laughed but I was too tired to be mad anyway, besides it was late at that point and the zombies would return home. In one stop we made to refuel the van, I got off to get the newspaper to learn that the gas station was all out so I jogged a block to the deli and saw couple of zombies walking around the store. I picked up the newspaper and paid the deli owner when one of the zombies grabbed me by my shoulder and pointed to the empty shelf.

"Just wait a bit, Hostess products will be back." I said.

Then I left the store and returned to the van.

"Those guys doesn't seem bad." I said.

A man named Brian said, "Probably because there's only few of them at this time of night, remember many of them have to return home or otherwise they could get mugged."

"True but still, they seem docile unlike the ones we came across earlier..."

"That sounds interesting, maybe something is up...anyway can I have a look at the sports section real quick? I need to see who won the NBA Finals!"

Once the zombie invasion have subsided, we all return home and agreed to meet at a disclosed location few days later.