Yesterday after reading the newspaper regarding the event that night, I was somewhat sleep-deprived. Got better after drinking a glass of milk and to kill some time, I start playing pokemon in hope of catching a shiny pokemon (my quest is as successful as Ryan Leaf's NFL career). Soon it was noon so I decided to take a walk to the park. Funny thing is that this is where I would get my first taste of animal warfare.

Near the bandshell there's two groups of rabbits killing each other. There I realized it's one of the battles from the civil war I heard about. There some of the rabbits I met are part of the group that are badly losing and the leader of the opposing group yells "Traitors will fall!"

The rabbit who invited me was attacked and the enemy was ready to finish it off when I came to it's rescue. I kicked it like a football and it's.....ugh, no good, no good, it's wide right, man I made Scott Norwood look accurate.

"You humans have no business to interfere!" the tyrant yells

"So you can talk..." I said

"Who are you?"he demanded

"I am...'The Procrastinator!'"

Everyone sweat-drops and fell backwards anime-style

"Just screwing with you, I'm the one who killed Super Bunny"

"So it's you, retreat!"

"Why are you retreating? The battle's just getting started!"

"Right now there's no way to beat you, but one day vengence will be ours!" he said as his group left

After spending the next day thinking, today I decided to help out the rebellion, I'll be away for a while.

Don't worry, I'll be back!

Updated: 05/29/09 4:06 PM 3 comments | Log in to comment! | Share this!

Yesterday after checking to see who had been knocking my door, to my surprise it's a bunch of rabbits (To those who wonder, while the previous episode began in 22, the update ended in 26 so it made sense). I open the door and wait just to see what will happen, amazingly they took out a notebook and wrote something. After finishing write a message, a rabbit then placed it on my doorstep and they all left afterwards. On a note written is an address with directions to a firestation over a mile away where a meeting is being held. So I decide to go on a meeting which is held by a bunch of rabbits for some reason, one of the firefighters told me what happened.

What happen is that as the rabbits war on humans stalled, some of the rabbits just wanted to live peaceful lives. But unfortunately most of their leaders are complete douchebags and would execute anyone who disagrees. These animals are pretty anomorphic, hadn't seen anything like this since the war on yeerks have ended nearly a decade ago. After the meeting is over, one of the rabbits came to me with a note asking me to help their cause, I turned them down because I don't want to get involved. They understand although pretty disappointed, then I asked them why they want me to help them out of many other humans. A rabbit then wrote another note stating that I killed one of their oppressive leaders and believe having me on their side can turn the tide of the civil war, also I was born in a year of a rabbit.

That night as I was walking home, I heard a scream.

"No, please...let me go..."

"Shut up you bitch or I'll fucking kill you!"

"No please don't kill Jenny, plea-"

"That goes for you too!"

That noise came from behind the fence across the street, good thing it happened after the J-Train left or I wouldn't hear anything. So I went to see what was going on and climb the fence, that's when I realize what was going on. Don't mean to sound racist but there's a black guy keeping several women as captives (White, asian, black, hispanic, etc), come to think of it they're sex slaves. Seeing them being tortured and forced into submission in gun-point, I was sickened. That's when I knew I have to do something about it.

I ran to the phone booth few blocks away (so the rapist won't hear me). There I dialed "911" and then it became pretty ridiculous.

"911, how may I help you?"

"There's kidnapped women being raped, it's at..."

"Okay but first you must take our aptitude test and must get five of five questions right so we'll know you're not bullshitting us"

"WHAT?!"

"Sorry, that's the way it is"

"Since when?"

"Look, do you want to save lives or what?"

"Alright, fire away"

"First question, before finally winning consecutive championship titles in his final two years, how many previous Super Bowl appearances John Elway made before finally avoiding the fates Dan Marino and Jim Kelly have failed to do so?"

"Three"

"Next question, when a truck carrying massive load of gold, silver, and diamonds made sharp turn, what will drop?"

"Speed"

"When did Al Davis died?"

"2003, but he refused to give up"

"In the 2004 ALCS, what team blew a 3-0 series lead in a spectacular fashion that made them known as the biggest ch-"

"Hey fuck you!"

"I'm sorry but this answer is incorrect, call again to try again with different questions"

"Wait!"

The transmission ends

I have to redial 911

"It's me again, sorry about that but make it quick, time is running out!"

"First question, are sugar-free products truly suger-free?"

"No"

"Next question, what dialect is spoken in Hong Kong?"

"Cantonese"

"Next question, in 'Battle Royale', why didn't the kids' parents do anything when their children are killing each other like Michael Vick's dogs on national television?"

"That's because they're useless"

"Next question, when Jackie Chan made a comment about people being needed to be controlled, did anyone understand the word coming out of his mouth?"

"No, the media twisted it like what they did to Will Smith, sickening..."

"Last question, when filming 'A View To A Kill', how old was Roger Moore when the movie was being shot?"

"Over 9,000"

"Dumbass, call again and start over"

"Wait I was messing ar-"

Transmission ends

"Oh poopy..."

I redial 911

"Blah, blah, blah, I know it's you okay first question, what song was mass-voted as the farewell song for Shea Stadium last season?"

"Rickroll"

"Technically that is correct but I need the name of the song so you're WRONG!!!"

Transmission ends

I haven't been this mad since the seventh game of the 2001 World Series. I heard another scream, I knew I can't give up. So I redial 911 once again, hopefully this time I won't mess it up. If only my super powers hadn't been depleted...I could've save them myself.

"One more chance, mess this one up I swear I will hunt you down..."

"Okay, okay, what's the question?"

"What's the fat guy called in 'Monk'?"

"Dale the Whale"

"What is the only redeeming quality of 'Red Delicious'?"

"It made your fruit basket look pretty"

"True or False, in season 0 of Yugioh, Yami was voiced by Sailor Uranus"

"True" (No really, look it up although it wasn't the reason why it's never aired outside of Japan)

"What round the Giants drafted Michael Strahan in 1993?"

"The second round"

"Okay the last one, you better not fuck this one up!"

"Fire away!"

"Ready?"

"I have no time, of course I'm ready!"

"In that fateful Thanksgiving game, what call did Jerome Bettis made on a coin toss that got him screwed by the ref which resulted in me losing $500?"

"He-tails!"

"About time!"

After telling the operator the location in which the crime is taking place, I was told the report will be send in two hours...

"Two hours?!"

"Don't blame me, Patterson have been screwing us around ever since he took office"

"How long is this going to be?"

"While waiting, try to do something before the police comes to prevent hostage situation"

Transmission ends

With that, I decided to do something myself in case the police arrives too late so I ran back to the place and climb the fence to see the shed is closed. Also the thug is apparently sound asleep seeing that it's one in the morning, I have been on the phone for nearly an hour!

As I tried to sneak into the yard, it's guarded by a pair of rottweilers. Realizing the situation, I ran several blocks to my home to grab a pair of jars of peanut butter. After running several blocks back to that place, I opened each of the jars and placed them in front of the dogs, soon they start taking their sweet time cleaning out the jars. While they're busy, I made my way to the shed and picked the lock. Soon I was able to open the shed and woke up the half-naked, bruised, and beaten teenage girls that were being held captive.

"Who are you?"

"Shhh..."

I gestered them to follow me and lead them out of the yard. Soon it's finally over as the girls got out and that's pretty much it.Later that morning seven hours later, I was reading a newspaper where a man got arrested for keeping girls as sex slaves as they found some equipments in the shed. Also the girls return home to their families. The dogs are still busy cleaning out the peanut butter jars, they sure enjoy taking their sweet time. But despite all that, several questions lingers in my mind...

What if it's too late? Seriously who came up with aptitude test on 911 calls? What if something serious happens?

The operator seemed to be helpful as I have been given a number of chances that rivals Steve Howe's because I have also learned that you're supposed to have only one. I guess she disagreed with that retarded policy as well.

I know it's a two day update as "Yesterday" from the update time on the bottom corner made it two days ago. I would've finished it sooner if it hadn't been for the event that will be explained on the next chapter.

Updated: 05/28/09 2:39 PM 4 comments | Log in to comment! | Share this!

It's a long story but it'll explain why I was on hiatus and put my investigation regarding the voting drugs on hold again (for the 16784393679th time). After coming up empty in Hong Kong (found the warehouse where the voting drugs are sold, but it's been abandoned), I decide to go back to New York for a while to rest a bit when something on the newspaper caught my eye. There's going to be a card game tournament hosted throughout the city, every boroughs except Staten Island. I wasn't interested but having nothing better to do, I decide to participate for the lulz.

After going through some registration and such, I borrow my brother's duel disk once again. I didn't take the whole thing seriously so I didn't bother to take time building my deck, it's the same as the one from last time and I boost it up with some pack I found lying on the ground. For some reason the label's written which said "Property of /b/", come to think of it...there were three packs. I slipped those cards into the deck without second thought (I didn't bother to look) and walked no further than few steps when a weeaboo came out of nowhere and challenged me.

For the record I don't know what the hell he was saying for the most part except for some english words slipped in. After few uneventful turns I wiped him out using a card from the packs called "I'm Chargin' Mah Lazor!". All his monsters are wiped out and his life points went blank afterwards so it was quick. You should've seen the holographic effect, it was epic with huge explosions and all. He was emasculated and I took his locator card. The next several battles went by uneventfully quick, soon I made it to the playoffs, according to the locator card it takes place at Madison Square Garden.

As I made my way into the building through J-Train, I said "Man the competition must've really sucked!"

Seriously!

After easily wiping out my quarterfinal opponent, the four remaining contestants went to stay at a nearby hotel, a luxury suite and everything. Then the next day I had a semi-final match and guess who's my opponent?

"So, we meet again!" said the Charger fan

"You've entered too?" I said

"I knew you're going to participate so I sign in, it's time to be emasculated!"

"No need to talk about what will happen to you"

So it begins...

After losing the coin toss, the Charger fan gets to start first by playing Axe Raider in attack mode and placed a card face down. Not taking any chance I placed a stone soldier facedown in defense mode before placing a trap and magic card in the same manner as well.

There the Charger fan then activates a trap card, "Stop Defense"

"So you got stone soldier, prepare to be stoned you faggot! Go Axe Raider!"

Quickly I activate a trap card, "Kunai With Chain"

"What?! Where do you get that card? It's in japanese!"

"Bought it in a japanese pack back in 2004, back when I was really into card games, it's out of print now...even got a red dark magician from one of those packs"

I chose to equipt my stone soldier, raising his attack points by 500 and the Axe Raider gets raped. Soon I attacked the Charger fan directly.

Charger Fan's LP: 2100

"Pwned!" I said

"Lucky bastard," said the Charger fan as he draws his next card and smiles

That's when I knew something's up

"You're not the only one with a original japanese card! I lay two cards face down and a monster facedown in defense mode"

Whatever it is, I knew I can't leave it there so I ordered the stone soldier to attack and soon...

"I activate the original 'Ring of Destruction'!" yell the Charger fan

Soon there's a collar appear around the stone soldier's neck with bunch of grenades exploding, destroying the monster in the process.

LP: 2200

"Not only that, I also play this magic card so my life points will be restored by 1,000 and flip Doma to attack mode to slice your life points!"

Charger fan's LP: 1300

My LP: 500

Then it's my turn, there I drew the card that help me turn this thing around "Uwe Boll's Movie Scenes"

I play this magic card and Doma gets destroyed

"I heard Uwe Boll's films are bad but I didn't think it was that bad" I said before playing "Big Tree" to attack his life points directly

Charger fan's LP: 600

Then I end my turn by placing a trap card face down

Next it's the Charger fan's turn, he place a monster card face down in defense mode and ends his turn. I played "Kuriboh" in attack mode before ending my turn, I planning to have this idiot let his guard down and attack.

"Big mistake I play my stone soldier in attack mode, then I flip my 'Man-eater Bug' to kill your stupid tree and attack 'Kuriboh'" he yells

I quickly activate "Negate Attack" and the battle phase ends

"Lucky shit!" he grumbled

Then I sacrificed "Kuriboh" to summon "Millenium Shield" in attack mode

"Nice try fool!" Charger fan screamed

Soon I activate a magic card called "My Voice Gives Me Super Strength"

"WTF!"

I did my best impression of Barney the Purple Dinosaur yelling that catchphrase, it was perfect for once. My "Millenium Shield" has a attack point of 5,000. So I was ready to play another magic card "Falcon Punch" when I notice a Charger fan ran toward me screaming "NO!" while holding a knife. I kicked the knife out of his hand and proceeds to punch him in the gut, his life points went down to 0.

Charger fan's LP: 0

I eventually went on to win the finals as well with ease, but the tournament last only for three days so it's not the main cause of over a week long hiatus. Here's what happened afterwards, sometime after the whole thing is over I went home and the representative from the tournament came to deliver the trophy along with a ticket for a 5 day cruise. I needed a break so I accept the cruise (paid for by the people running the tournament). Little did I know that's where something really messed up would soon occur.

After few days of relaxing on cruise and stuffing myself on free buffet, I was taking a walk around the upper deck when I heard some group of people talking. It's at the area where no one is around, near the stern.

"So the coast is clear"

"When are we going to release those man-eating locusts?"

"Once the time is right, that'll teach those pricks for not watching our movies we produced for Sci-Fi channel before we change the label"

"Just hope the timing is right, the producers for 'The Mist' didn't succeed due to the Patriots' near perfect season later that year, otherwise everyone would've remember the devastation those creatures from another dimension have brough upon on Maine"

"No need to worry, the Yankees won't be winning anything anytime soon, bwahahahaha!"

So those are the writing staffs for the Sci-Fi channel (or at least that's what it was called, now it's Sy-Fy), apparently they want revenge on people for not watching their poorly written production of films they have been littering our television sets for years. That's when I knew something's gotta be done, I can't let them go through with their plan!

But there's one problem, I have serious phobias regarding bugs and anything with tons of legs.

As they began to leave, I carefully follow them. There in the golf simulation room, there's a huge jug of horrible things, the monstrocity...evil things...so vile...sickening sight...ugh...I hate bugs...

"Sir, once we reach our destination, how do you supposed that we'll sneak those through the customs?"

"As I said, no need to worry as I have friends in high places...also I have lots of money,"

"Sir, what if someone's spying on us right now?"

"That won't happen, no one plays golf simulator, not even Tiger Woods"

Then soon it happened...apparently someone's talking about me somewhere because...

"AAAACHOOO!"

"Who's there?"

"Uh-oh!"

"Get him!"

I quickly grab a golf club and begin to fight them off

"Don't let him get away!"

Remember "Xiao Xiao 3"? It's kinda like that, I beat the crap out of them using golf club and martial arts. Soon I saw one of the "Sci-Fi" goons trying to reach for the jug filled with those flesh-eating bugs. I rush to stop him but then he threw the jug to one of his friends yelling "Catch!"

His friend caught the jug and ran out of the door. I have to fight off the rest of the Sci-Fi nuts before giving chase. Eventually the chase led us to the lido where he then threatens to smash the jug to release havoc right there, apparently he's not thinking it through because it'll mean him getting caught in the locust storm as well.Seriously is that how "Sci-Fi" people work nowadays? No wonder the movies they've produced sucked, c'mon "Mansquito"? What's next, "Big Tree"?

"One more move and I'll smash this thing right here!"

It seemed that he had nothing to live for...

"I have nothing to live for now that you've destroyed our plans!"

See what I mean?

Soon a group of people came and attacked him, but not before he throws the jug at a random direction. It was heading toward the edge of the balcony, whether it'll hit the railing or go over is not known, in a quick reaction and tries to catch it but only to have it bounced off my hand to the right direction, fortunately a crew member was there and caught it before it hits the ground. Now it's over, that should stall Sci-Fi channel's production of crappy movies for now. With the Sci-Fi staff subdued, we got back safely and that's how my vacation went.

As I'm typing this, just now someone's knocking the door. I'll go and check who it is, I wonder who could it be?

Updated: 05/26/09 12:39 PM 2 comments | Log in to comment! | Share this!

One day in school, a kid was in a cafeteria eating when he notice some one wearing all black sitting few tables away from him. Bored and having nothing better to do, he decides to pick on some emo-kid he hardly knew. There he got up and walks up to the emo before slipping on a puddle of spilled milk, he regained his balance before it's too late. Soon afterwards he points he finger at the emo-boy and proceeds to yell "emo!"

"Are you talking to me?" said the emo-boy

"Yes I'm talking to you faggot!" the kid responds

"Don't call me faggot," the emo-boy groans

"Not only you're a faggot, you also happens to be an emo!"

Everyone in the cafeteria gasped

"That's right you're an emo, you are so emo I bet you listen to bands like Linkin Park which is pretty emo!"

Yes he's quoting a line from "Naruto: The Abridged Series!"

"Leave me alone..."

"Do I mention you're an emo?"

Soon a mexican girl sitting next to an emo-boy stood up and yell "Stop, you can't go on and pick on someone smaller than you!"

"Smaller than me? That faggot is like 6'4 or something, he could've kicked my ass but he didn't because he's too emo to do so"

"That does it, I'll fight you tomorrow after school"

"It's a deal, I kick your mexican-ass all the way to next week you cheap imitation of J-Lo!"

After the school day is over, the stupid kid went home drinking protein shakes made from raw meat and eggs pureed (e-coli anyone?). Soon he went to his front lawn stretching when the warmth from a nice weather puts him to sleep. There he dreamt that he's in Siberia performing all those extreme workout routines with raw materials which ends with running up the mountain before stopping at the edge screaming "DRAGO!"

Soon he woke up after being sprayed by sprinklers.

"What a dream, one heck of a workout as I will be ready to beat that spic" the kid thought before going back into his house and log into newgrounds to post a thread about it.

Then the next day...

"Here's the deal, if I win you should leave us alone" the girl said

"Okay but if I win, take your emo-ass boyfriend and go back to Mexico you bitch!" the kid replies

As the fight begans, the kid start acting like a monkey thinking that's a stance from martial arts masters (which is not anywhere near as such). Soon the girl came and knee him in the gut, the kid collapse to the ground in pain.

"I can't lose, not now..." he thought as he struggles to get up when the girl breaks his nose

After falling to the ground again, the girl then proceeds to kick him in the gut until the school staff put a stop to this. Although the girl has been suspended for a week, it's already too late as the kid have been emasculated in front of his friends and haven't been the same since then. To save face, he came up with an idea seeing that only the people at the school knows about what had happened.

"I'll tell the newgrounders that it was an ambush, yeah that's right an ambush so they won't know that I've been owned like a bitch by that bitch..."

Soon after going back home, facepalmer went to his room and logs in...

Updated: 05/20/09 10:31 PM 6 comments | Log in to comment! | Share this!

After handing my resignation letter to the superintendent of Hong Kong police so I can start focusing on my investigation regarding the voting drugs, I went to the arcades to relax after fighting all those bad guys from the previous episodes. Remember everyone needs to take a break once in a while, especially when one had a emotional distress after losing an umbrella over a week ago. As I came into the arcade room at the mall there's a guy playing some classic arcade game and looks pissed.

"Let me try" I said

At first I had some trouble navigating a pixel tank in a pacman-like maze as I haven't play that thing for quite a while, then suddenly it shuts off by itself. I went to check what's the problem and saw a small tank escaping from the arcade, I made it turn back. Soon afterwards the game came back on progress and starts playing. After advancing through several levels, I eventually end up beating the game and when I looked back the dude was pissed because he struggled in the first level before I took over.

"Pay me" he said as he shows his hand

"Um...alright, sorry...my bad" I said as I gave him HK one dollar coin so he can exchange it for tokens

Then I move on to pacman game where for some reason the ghosts were all sleeping.

"Wake up! Someone's going to play this game you know!" I said while banging the screen

One of the ghosts woke up and starts yelling at me although I couldn't hear what it was saying because the sound's been muted

Then the arcade maintenance worker came and said "Something wrong?"

"Yeah, the ghosts were sleeping and I couldn't play this game (Forgetting the fact that I didn't insert a token)" I said

"I'll go and get my tools" as he went into the maintenance room

After few minutes I went to the restroom to take a dump. After washing my hands I suddenly heard a scream and I bolt out of the door to see what was going on. There at the arcade there are tons of people gathering near the pacman game, that's when i knew something's up. Honestly if you think nothing's wrong when there were bunch of people gathering then something's wrong with you like those conspiracy theorists nowadays.

"What happened?" I asked

"The maintenance worker just got sucked into the game and turned into pacman"

"Really? Lol!"

"I'm serious, just take a look!"

I look at the game and saw the ghosts beating the crap out of pacman who was screaming for help. There I quickly push several people out of the way to get the fire extinguisher and use it to smash the game screen. Soon the game was badly damaged that the screen blows up and the maintenance appears admist the smoke bruised up and a black eye from the beating he took.

"What's going on!" someone screamed

I turned around and saw the manager walking toward us, he saw the destroyed arcade game and me holding a fire extinguisher.

"You bastard get out!" he yelled

I tried to explain what happened until he threatens to call security if I don't leave, soon afterwards I left extremely upset because the witnesses including the maintenance worker I've saved didn't say anything to back me up.

Updated: 05/13/09 2:12 PM 3 comments | Log in to comment! | Share this!

After going back to Hong Kong last night to continue my ongoing investigation regarding the voting enhancing drugs which have been sidetracked for the past month or so, I was on my way to a hotel when someone got in the way. As I tried to walk around the person, he moves to block my path, that's when I realized it's intentional. But to be sure, I decide to ask the person to move but received no response whatsoever. Just to let you know, the following dialogues are in cantonese, I translated them for you but not word for word or otherwise it'll be pretty confusing.

"What's your problem?" I said

"Don't you remember?" he said

"What? Wait a minute...I know there could be someone who looked like me but you're looking at the wrong person, I'm straight...except back when I was in fourth grade when I became a bit confused and..."

"Not that! Last summer there's a raid in a cargo ship"

"What about it?"

"Many people were killed in the raid, including my brother..."

"You mean..."

"Yes, I'm from Xinjiang and you Han infidels have foiled my people's plans for the last time!"

"Actually the other guy with me is brit--"

"You won't stop us any longer, tonight you will fall!"

Then suddenly a familiar face appears, it's my old nemises from my first adventure in Somalia where BigBadRon was killed (He's been revived with dragonballs few months ago)

"It's been quite a while" he said

"You..." I said

"I heard about your exploits, impressive but will it be enough to finally defeat me?"

"I will, this will finally come to end"

Then the young Islamic extremist yells "Yeah sure, you will end up in thousands pieces!"

"I'll deal with you later" I said

Then the mystery figure levitates to the sky and flew towards me, I fire a one hand energy blast at him and there's a explosion. Once the smoke clears that bastage stood there like as if nothing happened and just dust himself off.

"Is that the best you can do?" he said before using his superpower to thrust me several meters back

After passing out, I woke up and find myself blocking his punch

"So you learn that technique didn't you?" he said

"What about it?"

Then he knocked me into the sky, while up in the sky I cupped my hands together to charge up my energy blast. As I began to fall, I fire it full blast at that bastard and stear it into the sky, soon it was over.

"It's over, what are you going to do now?" I said to the terrorist

"You used up all your ki, you won't be able to blow me away" he said

"Yeah but I can still beat the crap out of you"

"Oh right"

As he was ready to run, he stumbled and fell

"Hold still!" I said as I pinned him down before pummeling him

"Ow, my ribs!"

Seconds later

"Ow, my other ribs..."

Updated: 05/10/09 4:14 PM 1 comment | Log in to comment! | Share this!

Yesterday after hearing some noise outside, I went to check it out. I walk out of the door despite some news reports about a flying rabbit with super powers, I didn't believe it and thought it's full of crap. Keep in mind I was going to post my ballot for this month's "Song of the Month" competition by the deadline when I heard the noise so I was annoyed. As soon I went outside, it turns out it's true...it's Super Bunny!

"So Coop83 wasn't lying about the bunny invasion then" I said

Without saying a word, the rabbit picks up a car and toss it right at me. Thankfully he overthrew it and hits a tree instead.

"That's the best you can do?"

"Someone's behind this" I said

The reason is that the rabbit's after me, but why?

Soon Super Bunny fires lasers from his eyes at me, I had to jump out of the way. The beam struck another vehicle and it blew up in an instant. Knowing that there's no way I can beat him without getting more people caught in a crossfire, I have to draw him away. So I ran and Super Bunny begins to fly after me which is what I'm hoping he'd do. As I was running up the hill toward Forest Park, I have to dodge those beams as well. One of them hits another car and I heard someone yelling "You're gonna pay for that!"

After finally reaching the park, I drew him to the bandshell where no one's around and that's where it begins. First I drop-kicked a rock at the rabbit but he caught it and crushed it rather easily.

A woman with groceries was walking by and she stops saying "What is that?"

"Get out of the way!" I screamed

It's too late, the rabbit fires a beam and quickly incinerates her

"You...bastard..." I growled, angered at the fact that the rabbit killed an innocent bystander...

"I won't let you get away with this!" I yelled

Super Bunny smiles and was ready to fire a beam at me, he had no idea what's in store for him, silly rabbit. He fires his usual eye beam and I dodged them, even used my supernatural power to slow down time in my point of view, dodging it Matrix style. Amid the smoke, I got up and runs to the woman's remains hoping her groceries have what I needed, fortunately it did. This little wabbit is now done for as you'll know why.

"Hey rabbit! You're finished, that's right, finished!"

Super Bunny turns around and looks at me in confusion, then I took out a carrot from a dead woman's grocery bag and points it right at him. Seeing the carrot, the rabbit show signs of fear in his eyes and begins to back away from me, the table's turned.

As that furry bastard tries to fly away, I threw a carrot at him and it struck it's target. Soon the rabbit lifelessly fell from the sky and hits the ground with a carrot sticking out of his back. It's pretty gruesome, especially with blood leaking out of the body before seeping to the ground. Needless to say, that's the end of Super Bunny.

"I gotta admit, it's impressive how you have managed to kill our geneticly enhanced rabbit juiced up with steroids"

I turn around and recognize the person, it's that bastard who tried to bomb me few days before, what does he want?

"I thought you'd be in jail" I said before continuing "Guess it's safe to say that professor is behind all this,"

"Correct, ever since what happened back in Manhatten, he's been plotting to destroy you and won't stop until it finally happens," he said

"How did you escape?"

"Thanks to that insanity plea, I was send to a holding area where the security is lackluster thanks to Bloomberg's and Patterson's budget cuts which allowed me to escape with ease, not only that, a good friend is here with me as well..." as he snaps his finger

Soon from behind several trees, a huge imposing figure shows up, it's dick neck!

"Dick neck?" I said

"Don't call me dick neck!" DrForeman growls

"Easy, you will attack once I tell you to" the goon said

"As you wish" said DrForeman as he calms down

"How did his neck turn up like that?" I asked

"His dad's a giraffe, professor De Genova took him in and kept him in a cage for decades until few days ago in order to prepare to kill you," said the goon

The wind blows and I looked around hoping no one else is around, thankfully there's no need to worry about that for a moment.

Then dick neck said "Sir, I have something to say to you,"

"What is it?" the goon answered

"I have no use for you anymore, you must die!"

"What do you mean?"

Then suddenly dick neck's neck stretched and roped around the goon, soon there's a cracking sound and the goon struggles to scream before being choked out until trace of life is gone. After DrForeman unwraps him, the goon's broken body lifelessly falls to the ground, that's the end of him.

"Why?" I asked

"For all those years, he made fun of my neck, do you know how it feels to be bullied from outside while you're locked inside a cage?"

I stood in amazement

"For all those years I have been waiting for a right moment to kill him and now I did, for helping to make fun of me on newgrounds, you are next Idiot-Finder!"

"How did you know my alias?" I said

"I have my source thanks to Chris Beer,"

Quickly DrForeman stretch his neck toward me but I made few leaps backwards to avoid his long headbutt. Soon his head retracts back to his body and said "Impressive but next time you won't be so lucky"

"Why are you trying to kill me? All I did was making few posts in that thread"

"In those few post, you compared me to that character from One Piece! Also you did intend to post a picture of Loch Ness!"

"Oh...right..."

"Now you die!" as he stretch his head toward me again, but this time I was ready

I grabbed his head and start swinging him around and around until he screams "Let me go!"

"Okay," and did as told by letting him go, soon he was flung to the carousel

I ran up to the carasol and saw him on the ground with his head on the stand, there I curb stomp him, crushing his head.

"What is the big idea? I'm calling the cops!" screamed the carousel worker who saw what I have done

Suddenly a body got up and dick neck's head grew back

"What the..."

Dick neck smirks and said "That hurts you fucktard!"

"What the hell are you?"

Soon dick neck's neck wraps around the carousel worker and threatens to kill him if you don't give up.

"Your choice faggot, you die or he dies!" he said

Then suddenly a pigeon flew by and crap on his head

"AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" as he unwraps the hostage

Quickly seizing the opportunity, I performed a jump-kick and knocked him to one of the fake horses. Then I picked up a tool the worker dropped when he was taken hostage and proceeds to stab dick neck several times with it. Afterwards I plunge it into his neck and decapitate him, there I thought "Maybe this time it won't grow back"

Boy was I wrong.

After cutting his head off, the body promptly sprung up and his head grows back again.

"Thanks for doing me a favor of getting rid of my head with bird shit you loser!"

(For those who wonder, his old head shriveled up to a small twig, it's pretty creepy)

"What the hell are you waiting for?" I said to the worker

"..."

"Go to the phone booth and call the police!"

"Okay!" as he runs off

Dick neck was ready to go after him saying "Do I give you permission to leave?"

"I did!" as I caught dick neck off guard with my small one-hand energy blast (no one's around so it's safe, forgot about it when I fought against Super Bunny...) which hits him in the back, leaving a huge hole on his body which regenerates shortly after.

"You will die" dick neck said as he turns to me

For much of the battle I have the upper hand, but thanks to his ability to regenerate I was unable to finish him off. As hours went by I begin to wear down and so I decide to hide for a moment until I can get a bit of breather.

"You can't hide from me for long, thanks to the fact that the professor is familiar to greek mythology my head grow back although not in mulitple form! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Greek mythology? Wait a minute!

I then snuck out of the park while dick neck was searching for me. After making my way to the store, I went to buy a cigarette lighter, but there's one problem...

"I.D. please" said the clerk

"What do you mean?"

"Unless you have an identification, we can't allow you to buy the lighter due to smoking ban"

"Listen, I support the smoking ban as much as the next guy but this is an emergency!"

"Sure, I believe you"

"If you don't let me buy this, someone's going to die!"

"Is that a threat?"

"No! Are you stupid?"

"Sir, I don't take insults too kind..." when dick neck burst into the store

"So there you are!" he roared

"See what I mean?" I said to the clerk

"Oh, my bad"

"Be happy it wasn't that idiot from Britain"

"Time to kick your ass!" dick neck screams

Soon his neck stretched to everyone's horror and wraps it around me saying "It's over, goodbye!"

I did something that takes a bit of common sense, I bit his neck.

"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" and quickly unwraps me

I got away and took out a lighter

"What are you gonna do? Smoke me?" he said

I ran to one of the hardware aisles and he follows soon after. There I ran to the section where they sell knives and I took of one of those long ones.

"So what, I'll just grow it right back," he sneered

I turn on the lighter and use it to head the blade, slowly part of it begins to glow orange. As he makes his moves, I made mine and slice his head off yet again, but this time it's different. Heating a blade again, I place a searing blade onto a bloody stump where his head used to be and that's when it became gruesome. Seriously, to those who are reading, just be glad your not there when it happened, it's a disturbing sight as some of the store patrons passed out from watching.

His head is grew back but...

"AAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH! MY HEAD!!! IT HURTS!!!" and that was before he look at his reflection from one of the knives where he sees his disfigured face

"MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! IT'S RUINED!" he continues

After few blows to his head and his gut, he's out cold

"Is it over?" I said

A store patron came to check his pulse

"He's alive but out cold, guess it is over"

After this incredible ordeal, I was on my way home and dick neck was carried away on a stretcher with a straight-jacket (and some sedation). Upon reaching home, I got on a computer to vote on the "SOTM" when I realized it's too late. Because of what happened, I have been away for several hours, it's already past the voting deadline:

DQed (Max Power & Kevin Wrightly)

"NO!"

Because of this, I'm (Max Power) banned from this month's competition!

Depressed, I went to take a walk despite being late at night and there I was confronted by that Charger fan from Boston.

"Well, we meet again!" he said

In my angst filled anger, I beat the crap out of him. Soon some more people ran after me, as they were chasing me I stopped near the deli and turn back. There I took off the handles from the kid's bicycle and tie them together to create a nunchuku. Despite being exhausted from that fight with dick neck, I was able to take down that Charger fan's friends and now it's over. Afterwards I walk back home to get some rest after a long day.

Updated: 05/23/09 12:08 PM 12 comments | Log in to comment! | Share this!

Few days ago after beating some annoying douche on a children's card game, I went home to put my brother's duel disk back and return the cards to his collection box. Then I realize that I need to go to Radio Shack to buy some batteries so I left and walk several blocks. Upon entering the store, I notice there's a computer on display. Since the clerk isn't here, I decide to kill some time by using the computer to play Red moon when suddenly the clerk came up running.

"Don't touch that computer, it's not ready!"

"Why was it on the window display?" I said

"There's a mix-up, get away!"

Then suddenly a surge of while electricity came about and everything whited out for me. Once it clears I notice I'm not at Radio Shack anymore, I looked up and there's a red moon shining in the night sky.

"What the..."

Out of nowhere a voice blared, it's the clerk

"You got sucked into the computer that was send to us by mistake, it was supposed to be in Area 51, just got a call from the military"

"How am I be able to get out?"

"The military will arrive, please hold on for a while"

Then it's fink out

"Thanks for nothing," I mumbled as I start walking around hoping to find some help when I encounter a pair of people in a cave tending their wounds

As I enter the cave, one of them got up and points a sword at me saying "Identify yourself!"

"I'm just a drifter from another country, I got lost and need a place to stop" I lied

He point his sword closer to me and I didn't know what to do until...

"Stop! He doesn't look like he's from around here," the woman said

"Evanna, he could be send by the king to kill us, we can't trust him!" he answered

"We can't be sure, killing him isn't what master would've wanted," Evanna said

After some tense moment, the dude puts his sword away and said "Alright, if he does something suspicious, he dies!"

Playing a dumb tourist, I asked them about what just happened. After they told me about how they failed to assassinate the king, they were exiled and forced to hide or they'd be executed for treason.

"Nice story, needs some editing though..." I said while pretending to be skeptical

"Guess he is from someplace else" the dude said

"Where are you from?" Evanna said

Knowing our place doesn't exist in their world, I decide to use the root of my origins that at least sound similiar to their areas.

"Guangdong" I said

"Never heard of this place before" she said suspiciously

Knowing they're on to me, I decide to speak to them in cantonese dialect

"Impressive, that's the language they spoke in Guangdong?" the swordsman said

"Yeah"

"That explains the outfit you're wearing as well"

I then had a huge anime-style sweat drop on the side of my head

"Um...yeah"

Then suddenly someone came to the entrance of the cave, it's one of the king's men

"On behalf of the empire, surrender yourselves or you two will face the consequences!" he yelled

Evanna was about to get up when she fell in pain coughing up blood

"Evanna don't, your in no shape to fight" the swordsman said

"Neither are you, you're not fully recovered from that battle" she said

I got up and came up to the soldier and said, "Get lost!"

"You'll be arrested for harboring traitors, get out of the way or else" he said

Then I punched him in the gut, soon that idiot collapse to the ground puking before turning into dust

The duo watch in stunned silence

"What are you two waiting for? Get out before they catch you, wait until you two are 100 percent to fight again!" I yelled

Another soldier ran toward me "I won't let this happen"

Dodging the swings from the sword, I kept on doing so untl I took out a can of Coca-Cola out of my jacket and spray it to his face (have to shake the can). Then I smash the can over his head screaming "THAT'S A WASTE OF COKE!!!" before beating him to a pulp

Then I turn to the two yelling "Get out now!"

They eventually did leave, then I went to stay to hold off the king's troops to buy them some more time to get as far as possible

"You won't get away with this" someone said

The king came up after his troops parted to make way for him

"So you're the king?"

"For a foreigner you're impressive, too bad it ends here" he said

"Not if I can help it," as I concentrate my energy to my hand and fire it at the king, but he smacked it away

"Won't be much of a challenge, you're even weaker than those traitors, this will be quick" he said

I went to attack him, but he block my attacks. Afterwards he blew me backwards off the cliff to the bed of spikes.

As I fell, i said "Not now...not now!" and fires a small kamehameha without saying it's name to launch me upwards to the sky

"What the..." the king said as he looks up at me in shock

"You're finished!" I said and was preparing to fire my kamehameha full blast when suddenly the clerk's voice boomed

"All done"

I find myself in someone's room, where am I?

Then from the computer, a video appears

"I'm sorry but we have a problem regarding the location, Philedelphia is the closest we can do, see ya!" then the video disappears

I was kind of pissed when I saw something that caught my eye, the computer is on imdb webpage for Eli Manning and learn the owner of this computer had an account that made a post wishing death on him.

After hearing a toilet flush, a door opens and a fat kid with a McNabb jersey comes in, for wishing death on a player for playing for a rival team...I beat the crap out of him. Then to escape I open the window and jumped out where his dad (apparently) who was walking outside thought I'm a burglar.

"Come back here! No one robs my family and gets away with it!" as he start chasing me

I ran for few blocks knocking over a lawn gnome, plastic flamingoes, and jumped over several sprinklers before finally losing him in a chase that resembles a scene from an episode of "My Name Is Earl"

To get back to New York, I jumped into a truck passing by and prayed it's the one goes to what I'm hoping for. Thankfully it worked out, but it did took me few days though.

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This story's written for Fiction Press.

One Christmas night, a sleigh pulled by magical reindeers in the sky flew pass a tall building as the kids from below watch in amazement. On the red sleigh is Santa Claus with one large sack of gifts for every good child around the world, another sack filled with coals (not the Kingsford brand) for anyone who is naughty. After making several trips, Kringel is down to his final stop before returning to North Pole, the final destination is Las Vegas. Little did he know, that stop to a neighborhood in Las Vegas would be his last although memorable as well.

Upon landing on a house outside of the area filled with the city's signature glitz and neon lights, Kringel carries a sack and hops into the chimney. After trespassing into somebody's house as usual, he reaches into the bag and takes out a gift before placing it right under a tree. Just as he's ready to leave, a doorbell rang which takes a lovable, overweight, trespassing oaf by surprise as he believes everyone's home and fast asleep. Startled and knowing he has no time to climb back up to the chimney, he does the next best thing, he dive right through the window.

"What the..." a man screams as he sees a portly intruder no larger than the size of David Wells diving through the window and scampers away, afterward the homeowner quickly runs to the kitchen to call the police as he family wakes up from the noise and came downstairs to see what just happened.

Meanwhile as the jolly man in red stops to catch a breath after running for few blocks, he decides to look around for a bit before trying to find a way to get back to his sleigh. As he's doing so, a prostitute came by and said "Hello, can I help you?"

Startled, Santa yelled "Ho, ho, ho!"

"Who the hell are you calling 'ho'?" the prostitute screams

"Sorry lady but I'm trying to get back, I didn't mean any harm" said Santa

"What do you mean by 'I didn't mean any harm'? You're just sorry because you knew were going to beat your ass!"

"W-we?" Santa stammers

Out from every corner of the block several more prostitutes appears, one by one from a phone booth, a bush, and everywhere else.

"You think you can call us 'ho' and get away with it?" said one

"You gonna pay for what you did," said another

Seeing that there's no way to get himself out of this predicament spawned from a simple misunderstanding in the age of political correctness, the prostitutes began to close in on him.

"Please, I beg of you, it's a misunderstanding and I'm sorry but please forgive me..." Santa begs

But unfortunately his plea's been ignored as the prostitutes proceeds to beat him to death.

Meanwhile back on the top on a roof, the reindeers have waited for several hours. As the jolly fat man have failed to return, they decided to take off without him, wondering what happen to Kris Kringel and why he hasn't show up this time around. As they were flying back to the North Pole, they got lost due to the fact that Santa's the only one who know the direction, as a result they travel to the wrong parts of the world. The debacle continues until they hears a blaring sound and didn't know what was going on until they were promptly shot down. Turns out they're flying at the restricted airspace over North Korea and were mistaken for a foreign spy plane.

That's the end of a jolly man on a open sleigh.

Updated: 04/27/09 6:36 PM 1 comment | Log in to comment! | Share this!

After recovering somewhat from the incident in Manhattan few days ago and the last night baseball game in which the Yankees lost (Curse you Jason Bay!), I was busy watching a television when I heard someone yelling. I went to the window and heard him screaming about some tournament taking place in New York City and how he's going to take part to "Pwn people of New York"

I went outside and said "Kid shut up, no one cares about a stupid tournament, it's 6 in the morning and people are trying to sleep"

"Shut up! You're not telling me what to do, I'll kick your ass bitch!"

"What the hell's up with you kid?"

"Shut up, I challenge you, meet me three hours from now at Forest Park!"

"To what?"

"A duel!" as he takes out a deck of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards

So that's what it's about

"Why would you want to challenge me to a children's card game?" I said

"To make you cry, don't forget the duel disk!"

Then we part ways

Knowing my little brother's a fanatic and he collect all those cards, I'll might as well humor that punk just to shut him up by making a deck from the collections. I even borrow my brother's duel disk as well. It's awkward seeing that I have lost interest in Yu-Gi-Oh! years ago, times change as you know why but it happens.

Three hours later we faced off in Forest Park at the golf course

"Are you ready?" he said

"Get it over with" I said

When we activate our duel disk, one of the hologram projectors that shoots out of mine hits the jogger in the face

"Sorry about that!"

The jogger got up and jogs away grumbling

My opponent starts off by summoning a bunch of monsters in one turn, that can't be right, isn't that illegal?

"Did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?"

"Yeah, so?"

"It's against the rules isn't it?"

"Screw the rules I have money! Now draw your last pathetic card in your deck so I can finish it!"

"My deck have no pathetic cards aside from at least half of the entire deck including some japanese cards I never seen before, but it also have this!" as I shows him Exodia

"Fuck!"

After beating him at a children's card game, the punk runs away crying

After it was over, I was walking home when some teenager came up and said "You're still into that children's card game? What a loser!"

Updated: 04/25/09 9:09 PM 3 comments | Log in to comment! | Share this!