Entry #235

Intermission #56: Zero Intolerance

2013-12-11 17:33:29 by Idiot-Finder

Co-written with Ed Harley in FictionPress, be sure to check out his works.

Tommy was tired of getting bullied at school so he went to tell the teacher about the problem.

"Oh Tommy, you should realize that it is your fault!" said the teacher.

"Why?" asked Tommy.

"It's because, just by responding, the bullies will keep bothering you by calling you names." she answered. "You see, if your feeling gets hurt, they ju-"

"But it wasn't the name calling!" Tommy protested. "They pushed me from behind, beat me during lunch after stealing my lunch money, and even threatened to kidnap me and lock me in a shed with my eyes forced open to watch a movie directed by Uwe Boll!"

"Uwe Boll!" the teacher gasped. " Tommy, what did I say about lying?"

"But... But it's true, I swear!"

In a stunned silence, the teacher just shook her head in disapproval. "Tommy, there is no way that anybody would forced you to watch a Uwe Boll film! It's a heinous war-crime and there are at least five articles of the Geneva Convention on Torture that list his movies by name!"

"Tommy," the teacher said. "I'm really disappointed in you for trying to get people into trouble, you should be ashamed of yourself!"


"No butts. I'm calling your parents!"

And so Tommy was grounded for "lying", leaving him distraught as no one would help him. The next day at school, he was on his way to class when the bullies came up to him. One of them said: "Hey Tommy, I heard you tried to squeal on us."

Tommy pissed himself. "Well...er...um, you know..." and then he tried to make a run for it, only to slip in the puddle.

One of the bullies reached down to grab a fistful of his shirt. "You know the punishment squealing!"

Tommy looked up in horror. "No, please...not that...anything but that!"

"Tommy sure has a perty mouth!" one of the bullies snorted like a retarded hillbilly.

"We'll make sure you'll squeal like a pig!"

Tommy would never be seen alive again. As a police investigation preceded, the bullies were suspended for whole two days. Later on, when the bullies returned to school, they were called into the principal's office to discuss what happened.

"Okay boys," the principal said. "I'm sure you know the reason why I called you here."

The bullies nodded and one of them said: "I know, Principal Cheswater, but that rat was trying to squeal on us!"

"By reporting to me?" the principal glared at the bullies. "Do you idiots really think that if Tommy came to me that I would do something to jeopardize the underground business I've been running?"

The bullies trembled in fear.

"I told you idiots not to kill him, just hurt him enough to make him cry and so you could collect his tears in a vial. How do you expect me to get tears from a dead kid? That kid's tears are in are worth five thousand dollars per ounce on the black market and you killed him!" Principal Cheswater yelled. "We can't keep running this business if you guys are going to continue to fuck up like this!"

"You know what?" The principal sat. "Just go home...just go...I'll think of something to work around this issue but I can't continue to cover for you guys..." The principal thought of something urgent. "Wait a minute, what did you do with the kid's body?"

One of the bullies spoke up. "We're gonna go bury it after school and make sure it won't ever be found!"

The principal, who was always looking for ways to cut the school budget, had another idea.

Later that week the school cafeteria had a Sloppy Joe Friday in honor of their lost classmate. The students observed a moment of silence before they ate. And everyone, staff included, remarked on the delicious and exotic taste of the cook's new recipe. In fact the student council voted to rename the sandwich a Sloppy Tommy, a fine tradition that continues to this day.

Meanwhile the black market business of Principal Cheswater continued on, as the tears of bullied kids did indeed have remarkable healing properties that allowed minor wounds to heal without a scar and a mysterious side effect that removed all feelings of shame from those who used it. The tears were said to be popular among sports writers and one former NFL quarterback, Boomer Esiason.

However, the principal would soon realize that with success comes trouble as there are competitors looking to take over the market by "taking him out" so that way the competition would soften. And thus, begins what would become one of the biggest gang warfare since the epic riot in Oakland back in 1984 (due to Al Davis moving the Raiders to Los Angeles and won a Super Bowl title there before realizing that the city thinks they're too good for an NFL team and it gets weird after that), resulting in a massive damage that would surpass the disaster in Detriot in the 1960s.

Since then, the day the warfare started would become known as "The Day of The Black Peril" because people are generally unoriginal like that and assumed that the riot was caused by black people. In spite of this, the school principal was able to run his operation for several more years as a result of the deaths of his business rivals until it was put to a halt due to a massive raid that was made as a part of the anti-bullying campaign. The campaign would be criticized by a bunch of old school seniors who thinks kids should learn to "toughen up" because they clearly have no idea of the severity of the problem and by the sports writers who became upset at the fact that they can no longer have an easy access to their favorite drug that they have been using for so long.

Sadly, the campaign won't last for long as it would end due to complaints filed by the bullies' families for violating their rights to express themselves. With that, the anti-bullying campaign would be declared "unconstitutional" by the Supreme Court, adding to the list of questionable decisions they made throughout history. Not long afterward, the ex-principal would resume his business and this time he received a license to do so and would be supplied by his successor so he can continue to sell medicine balm made from tears.

As a result of the new outbreak of bullying, a latest video game-based violence would occur when a bunch of bullied victims took some mushrooms, hallucinated, and jumped on several fellow students, flattening them. SWAT team would be called to put the end to the unfortunate violence and the stand off would take several days before it finally came to an end. Somehow the perpetrators survived despite getting hit by a rocket propelled grenade launcher because some of the mushrooms they ate happens to be green which granted them extra lives. The stand off ended when one of the officers threatened to shoot them with blue mushrooms if they don't stand down, causing the perpetrators to panic and the day would be saved.

But the kids would never be taken into custody because just as they were about to give themselves up, some idiot pulled out an axe right at the entrance and they all fell...

Meanwhile, few miles away from the school, a farmer named Carl Johnson was milking his cow when he heard a whacking noise from across the corn field. The farmer cautiously brought his shotgun along as he started to walk across the corn field to investigate the whacking sound, it couldn't have been this again could it? It's the last thing any farmer would want...what sick person would do such a thing?

Once the farmer made his way to the other side of the farm, his worst fear have been realized...a man in his mid-twenties have been flogging his recently deceased horse with a golf club. Angered by this action, farmer Johnson points his shotgun in the air and open fire.

The man runs off faster than a rabbit high on amphetamines.

"Gawd dang city folk..." the farmer growled as the helicopter he accidentally shot crashed down onto a local hardware store a street across from the farm. Later, it would be discovered that a bunch of terrorists were using the hardware store as a front to cover up the fact that they were using the pyramid scheme which could fund their plans to attack the American water supplies by dumping a large supply of manure into the reservoir. However, due to the flammable conent of the supplies, the terrorists could only be identified by their dental records...which aren't good as it is learned that they rarely brushed!

It was decided that their bad hygienes would have killed them eventually.

Several decades later, Harold Camping's prediction finally came true after several tries (including after the Cub's victory at the World Series) when the planet was blown up by a pink bubble gum thingy. Centuries later, a large chunk of what was left of the planet crashed into another planet that looked just like Earth, creating a catastrophic impact that would wipe out the entire life except fot the tiny mammals that burrowed underground for protection. The mammals would then evolve and build an advanced civilization where some weird things would happen, leading them to be saved by...well, it's weird so it's up to you.


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2013-12-11 18:33:41

And this is how history repeats its self...by not reading these articles of Truth! I'm glad I finally know how our planet, and the next planet came to be. Thank you so much for these revelating messages.


2013-12-30 10:09:28

Been a while, gud read.