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31, Male

Student

some boring ass school

New York,NY

Joined on 8/29/02

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60
Exp Points:
57,976 / 100,000
Exp Rank:
16
Vote Power:
10.03 votes
Rank:
Sup. Commander
Global Rank:
28
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19,754
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77,990
B/P Bonus:
60%
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Deity
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Supporter:
1y 9m 3d

Canas

Posted by Idiot-Finder - September 26th, 2013


Being a moderator usually brings responsibilities to certain individuals as some sites would run with three mods or fewer. Sometimes in a worse case scenario, the only mod running the forum is inactive due to various reasons, including laziness and having to deal with life outside of the internet. When a mod is inactive most of the time, the result can be as chaotic as the comments section in YouTube.

This is why sites like Newgrounds have dozen of mods in case something happens.

Canas was one of the moderators for Newgrounds who was tasked of enforcing the rule by banning unsuspecting trolls, idiotic users who didn't read the rules, and sometimes ban someone for no reason but to amuse himself. While the last part may rub the users he banned the wrong way, in the end they should be glad that it wasn't a former mod known as BBR or simply "Ron" for short. In fact, Ron was known to be a very abusive mod who would ban users he hated or as a way to troll them due to the amount of power that went into his head. Few years later, Ron's modship was stripped and fell into obscurity where he was last seen in Somalia getting shot in the face by a warlord for trying to ban him in real life (it was rumored that someone brought him back to life thanks to the use of dragon balls, making one to wonder how the Somali national past time went when they savagely dragged his body down the street). While big bad Ron may have been gone, his legacy remains as it inspires some mods such as Canas to flaunt their power in anyway they can.

In a way, Newgrounds mods can be expendable since the abusive or useless ones can be replaced like toilet papers. However, at the same time some moderators would prove themselves enough to be handed another task, making them much more versatile. Canas was among those mods as he was tasked with a responsibility to make sure no one breaks the guidelines on flash games and movies reviews that would be posted everyday.

Unfortunately, this also made Canas among the top targets for the notorious group of hackers and spammers known as "Duck Division".

The Duck Division were founded by a spammer named Chris Beer who started out submitting spam flash into the portal where more often than not, violates the portal guidelines and would be removed by the site administrator. Initially, the New Zealander headed a spam group known as "Food Face Force" who would submit racist contents into the portal. Not long after their banishment in late spring of 2009, "Duck Division" would emerge and does the same thing with the same result.

Angered at how his (along with his brethren's) "work of art" weren't accepted by his peers and the site's administrator, the demented New Zealander and his followers then takes it upon themselves to hack into accounts, especially those belonging to the staff of Newgrounds. At first, the moderators were fooled into submitting their personal information send to them through PM. Needless to say, Canas was one of the mods stupid enough to send in his account information which would result in his account getting hijacked all because he actually thought that he would receive free candies in return.

Once it was done, Canas' account was hijacked and used to wreak havoc on the site by banning several users for no reason, posting gay pornographic pictures, and even furry porn. It would take few days before the order was restored, leading to several moderators being demodded. However, the internet terrorism wouldn't end as they struck again by using a program that allowed them to brute force their way into the moderators accounts, hijacking them once again. In the end, the results were the same as the site's administrator, Wade Fulp made sure to warn the users to change their password to make it harder for the Duck Division members to hack.

For a brief moment, Canas would disappear and was never heard from for some time until the summer of 2010 when someone threatened to bomb New York City. The plot was quickly foiled as couple of people made their move to disarm the bomb and even traced the taunting phone calls they received, leading them to a secret hideout, revealing the mastermind of the plot to be Canas. It turns out Canas was humiliated by what transpired a year before that he went into hiding in order to create a distraction so people would forget his stupidity that cost him his modship. The then ex-mod would be sentenced to six months of probation.

For a while, users creating difficult passwords actually worked as the hackers weren't able to decode them as easily as they used to. It wasn't until couple of years later when Canas was reinstated as a review moderator, a suspicious message was send to him. Forgetting the lesson he learned few years back, the review mod then sends his account information in promise of a free candy...once again enabling the Duck Division members to wreak havoc on Newgrounds, just not the same extent as before.

Once again, Canas was demodded and 8/24/11 would be known as the day that a mod fell for the same trick, proving to everyone what he is, a dumbass!

As before, Canas disappeared and was never heard from for several months until his reinstatement as the site's moderator for the second time. It made people wonder if Wade felt sorry for the guy.

It turns out Canas fell into a financial problem because once again he was scammed after sending in information of his bank account as well as his social security number to a suspicious message send via e-mail. As a result, Canas became a victim of an identity theft and was forced to sell everything his owned, forcing him to live on the street. After months of begging for food and a small amount of change, Wade discovered him and was shocked to see one of his former mods in a pitiful state, so he took him in.

In time, Canas was able to recover as the perpetrator of the identity theft were caught and his financial status restored. Once everything went back to the way it was, including his reinstatement as a review mod, it seem the whole thing became all set, but it turns out not to be the case. Still sore from the humiliation he suffered from his own idiocy, Canas gathered a group of friends who worked "underground" in order to ensure that he would be able to create the ultimate scam...the kind of scam that would make people bow down to him.

With the resources his friends has, Canas was able to scam billions of dollars from various drug organizations and ineptly run sports teams. In time, Canas was able to build a secret base which allows him to run a true scam. However, knowing that someone might try to foil his evil plot, the review mod hired some thugs and even looked to create a massive blackout in the entire city in order to create a distraction so his operation won't get discovered. After all, running a pyramid scheme requires so much resources that you can't afford to have someone to bust it all up.

That's right, it's a fucking pyramid scheme!

"Why are you surprised?" said the review mod.

I tried to make sense of what happened but everything that came out of my mouth become sputtered.

"It's a complicated scam, if things goes well, it'll help us make twenty to fifty thousand dollars a week."

I finally found something say and said, "A pyramid scheme?"

"Are you alright? You sound kind of messed up, eh?" Canas said.

I started to feel like beating him to death with a wooden chair...all this for a pyramid scheme?

"You're acting like I did something wrong."

I jammed my fist into my mouth and bite down before taking it out and said, "You think nothing's wrong? What the fuck was THAT?"

"Calm down, here's a glass of water, drink and calm down." Canas said.

"Do you...do...you even realize what you did?"

"Still not over this? As I said, with the scam, we can ma-"

"IT'S NOT THAT! YOU BLEW THAT MUCH MONEY JUST SO YOU CAN RUN THAT CHEAP SCAM!" I screamed.

Canas backed away a bit and said, "Whoa, you're scaring me..." as he returns to his desk.

I start pulling my hair and biting off the skin off my fingers in frustration that surpasses all the time when Joe Girardi sends in Boone Logan to lose the game. All that for a cheap scam?

I punched the wall and slammed my head into the mirror where I finally started to calm down.

"A fucking pyramid scheme?" I growled.

"Oh come on, it's a wonderful scam and I need it to make money though the billions I stole wasn't enough to cover the entire cost of the elaborate hideout so I have to use my earnings, taking the profits down to about twenty bucks a week."

I got up and said, "A wonderful scam? A wonderful scam...you're telling me that despite the cost, it's still a wonderful scam?"

Canas' smile fades and said, "You still have problems with it don't you?"

"Yes I have a problem, what do you think? You blacked out the fucking city just to run a scam? A god damn scam?" I yelled.

"You have to realize that making money isn't easy, when I got scammed, I had to sell my body in order to get by. Once I finally recovered, I start doing little bit of this, little bit of that and so on with a cherry on top, from then it finally took off." the mod answered.

I cracked each of my fist and said, "So your sob story was supposed to justify the crap you pulled, is that it? It's because of you, I couldn't tape my favorite show and yet you expect me to feel sorry about the stuff that happened just because you didn't learn your lesson after getting phished for the first two times?"

Canas backed away for a moment and said, "Well...I can't be sure if it's a scam, you see, they offer a free candy...I can't just turn it down."

"And you're stupid enough to fall for that, three fucking times!"

"Still, it's free candy, if a stranger in a car came by and offer me one, I'd take it!"

I face palmed myself and said, "Even if there's a possibility that the stranger might be a rapist?"

"Yes!" answered Canas.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me, I mean come on, you can't be serious about this? Then again with all the elaborate bullcrap you managed to pull off, I shouldn't put anything past you." I grumbled.

"Okay, okay, so what if I put myself in a hundreds dollars worth of debt after scamming a fortune, still I can't let people find out about my mistakes or otherwise, I would become ruined!" he said.

"Like what happened the last few times you got phished and demodded?"

"Listen, I'm freaking Canas, the moderator of Newgrounds, mods are respected..."

I coughed.

"...admired..."

I coughed again.

"...can you please stop that?" Canas asked.

"Sorry, it's just that I'm allergic to bullshit." I said.

The mod glared at me like a scorned woman from a soap opera and said, "You think it's funny don't you?"

"No I did not." I said.

"Laugh again Mr. Tough Guy, even if you do manage to take down this scam, I will create a newer one, the one that can never be stopped...it will be better...stronger...faster..." said Canas.

"I seriously doubt you have six million dollars." I muttered.

The mod laughed.

"It won't be long anyway, especially since I took over the underground distribution of performance enhancing drugs for internet users!"

What Canas said caught my attention so I asked him about the performance enhancing drugs.

"Remember how in NG, people starts racking up portal stats week after week in a phenomenal pace to the point that some were banned under the suspicion of being robot accounts?" he said.

"Truth is, those drugs are in fact...amphetamine."

"That would explain so much." I said.

"Well, only way for the voters to get that much saves is to stay up all night, the sales tends to be at its highest during Clock Day." said Canas.

"How long have you been doing that?" I asked.

"Since 2012 when I started to spend billions I scammed out of in order to run my business, you see, the performance enhancing drugs are part of the business along with my precious Ponzi scheme." Canas answered.

I face palmed and sighed.

Canas climbs on top of his desk and said, "You may mock me, the thing is this...with hard work, things will pay off in the end, because..." as he takes out a remote and pushed one of the buttons where a music can be heard.

I shook my head and said, "Oh please no...no, no, no, no, no..."

The moderator takes out a cane and puts on a top hand as he begins to dance.

Then he starts signing,

Scam and money...

Scam and money...

Goes together like a bear and honey!

This I tell my mother, "You must have some and then the 'nother!"

"You cheater! You can't do that! CHEATER!" I screamed.

"You could have gone 'You must have some and then another', what the fuck?"

But the mod ignored me and continues to sing a half-baked parody of an old song...

Scam some dummies...

Scam some dummies...

Like a prostitute who wants more money!

Then he leaps right off the desk and hit me in the head with a cane.

"What the..."

Find a local gentry and throw him into penitentiary!

"What does this have to do with anything?"

Canas backflips right into his seat and continues to sing.

Try, try, try to reason with them, still a delusion

Try, try, try to see it's still the final solution

"Something about the last line just doesn't sound right." I said before starting to sing in order to make a rebuttal.

It's not funny, it's not funny...

Shows that you're a dumbass, now that funny!

Canas wasn't amused and said, "Dude, what the hell?"

I flipped him off and continues to sing,

I will tell your mother that you are dumb

You're fucking dumb

Canas angrily butts in and sang,

You can't just come and steal my mother!

"What?!"

The mod jumps right onto his desk and starts to tap dance throughout the musical interlude. I really have to admit, his tap dancing is pretty impressive, must have hired a really expensive choreagrapher.

Try, try, try to reason with them, still a delusion

Try, try, try to see it's still the final solution

"Not again, cheater, lazy cheat!"

Canas glares at me once again and said, "I'm..."

Not a dummy, not a dummy...

Please remember I just need some money!

"I know, I know you broke gigolo." I laughed.

"Shut up!" he yelled.

I jumped onto a chair and sang,

I will tell your mother what you have done...

Canas falls right off his desk as I continue.

What you have done...

"No, please don't tell her, it'll break her heart!" Canas begged.

He tries to tackle me but I ducked before heading toward his laptop where I would send an e-mail to his mom.

What you have done will hurt your mother!

Knowing that Canas would get up in time, I could only send a short message that reads, "Canas bad!"

"You bastard!" the moderator yelled as he threw a chair at me, only to hit the window right next to me. That's when I got up and take a look out the window where I learn that Canas' office is that the second floor, in fact the death trap corridors did lead up at first but after the rollercoaster ride, it heads down toward the underground.

Guess it does make sense since there's no way the building would be this big.

The moderator punch me in the face but as soon as I recovered, I got up and jump kicked him in the stomach.

"Come on Canas, you can do better than that!" I taunted.

Canas got up and tries to bull rush me but I stepped aside and he crashed his head right through the window. I grabbed him by his hair and slams his head into the wall, creating a huge dent. Afterward, I start landing several punches all over the moderator's upper body before knocking him out with a chair to the head, placing the inept mod out of commission.

After beating up Canas, I open up the drawer in his desk and found some bags of gold coins along with stacks of trading cards. I took some bags and a deck of cards I chosen from the stacks before calling the police. Then I left the phone on the desk, making it easier for them to trace the call until I realize that Canas didn't get to tell me the secret passageway.

I tried to wake up the unconscious moderator to no avail, so I decided to search the room before the police arrives. Spending minutes doing so, I knew there wasn't enough time so I decided to leave the place the old fashioned way, by going through the corridors of death traps. Seeing that I made my way through the first time up, it should be easier the second time around.

Turns out it wasn't the case since I have forgotten most of the death traps I went through but with the money I stole from Canas, this time I didn't have trouble with the potion vendors as I was able to pay them back. Going through the death traps are just as painful as the first time when I tried to get to Canas' office, making me wish that I hadn't knocked him out.

After going through and performing series of ridiculous stunts in order to leave the place, I finally found my way back to the familiar corridor where I remember the arrow that shoots out and had the sense to duck before approaching the exit.

Once I made my way through the door, I stretched my arms and yelled in relief.

It's been a very exhausting day, both mentally and physically, like taking a biology exam.

"It's finally over!" I thought.

If only...if only...


Comments (5)

He did get scammed twice, didn't he? Dunno about you, but I really wish I had some saved pages of the really old BBS, late 98-00... so much abuse and insanity. There's nothing quite so entertaining, as little kids getting completely blindsighted by such vulgar, perverse remarks... and sometimes by a Mod!

I should've asked Tom about that :| I'm sure some angry parents gotta hold of our intrepid leader, and set him straight about a few things/users/mods. Those are some emails/phonecalls, I'd kill to see!

Oh man I remember the whole "my whistle is ruined" thing like it was yesterday, good times.

I know right?

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congrats on the 60 rounds on me

Thanks.

Wow
Dedication.