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Posted by Idiot-Finder - May 4th, 2014


Don Quixote have always been fascinated by actions and adventures he would read in the novels that were kept in his home. Being that he's already pushing 60, Don Quixote have always felt an emptiness that have been constant throughout his entire life, like something have been missing.

"Why do I feel something is missing in my life?" he thought.

Don Quixote looks out the window to see birds flying by when suddenly, a giant mechanical thing came crashing down right in front of his house. Shocked, Don Quixote looks outside to see the majestic thing that stood there for several minutes before taking off, leaving a thick cloud of smoke.

"What is that?"

The next day, Don Quixote rush to his family and said, "Everyone, you should have been there, there's no way you would have believe what I have just saw!"

His daughter sighs and said, 'What was it?"

"I saw this giant thing and is this big even, bigger than all the buildings in this country combined!" said Don Quixote.

"Not only that, the thing can fly, it's really amazing and I want to have a ride in it one day!"

However, nobody believed him as they thought he was being overly imaginative as the old man have been devoting much of his free time reading books. This made Don Quixote mad as he knew what he saw that day wasn't a dream or anything, in fact there's a huge imprint caused by the landing and yet somehow, no one but him saw the giant machine that time, what gives?

But then the old man encounter something strange, it's a strange vehicle made of metal and the door opens up automatically, like it's waiting for him!

Don Quixote slowly crept toward the vehicle and to his surprise, a humanoid machine appears and said, "Your dream have been sensed, you want to be a hero who gets to do something."

The old man was taken aback.

How did that thing knew?

"There is no need to ask further question as you are desperate enough to do something meaningful in your life for once, but I will ask you this, are you willing to handle the risk? The probablility of you not surviving the training is high considering your age." said the machine.

Without question, Don Quixote said, "I'll do it! I rather die trying than living a meaningless life!"

And so the old man enters the vehicle and depart the planet.

Several months later, the old man reappears after being missing, worrying his family as they thought that he might have gone off in search of an adventure just to fill an empty void in his life.

One of the townsfolk came up to the old man and said, "Don Quixote, where have you been?"

The old man exclaims, "I have been through several journeys and went through series of trials and tribulations, but now I am ready to take on the real menance that have been plaguing this world!" as he points his finger toward the windmills.

The townsfolk became dumbfounded.

"A windmill?"

Don Quixote shakes his head and said, "No, giants!"

"Look at them, waving their arms like they don't care, it's as if they're mocking us!"

"Those...are windmills." said the townsfolk.

Is this man alright? Have the time he have been missing caused him to go unhinged?

"Don Quixote...where have you been all this time? Really, I think you're not exactly well..."

The old man glares at the townsfolk and said, "I am well and those giants have been terrorizing us for the last time, I will prove it to you people, just watch!"

Don Quixote then snaps his fingers and suddenly, a massive machine appears and the old man leaps into the cockpit where he was covered in a rubbery material, forming a body suit that enables him to control the machine.

All the towns people became shocked!

"What the heck is this?"

"Is this a dream?"

"This can't be for real!"

Don Quixote laughs and said, "The time have come, this is it for you godforsaken giants!" as he dash toward one of the windmills and threw a punch, knocking it over.

But then, something strange happened.

After the windmill falls, it starts to transform into a giant machine with a sail attached in front.

"I knew it!" the old man throught.

Then, the machine takes off the sail and throws it at Don Quixote like a frisbee but the old man saw that one coming and leaps into the air to dodge the dangerous weapon.

"Ha, you missed!" Don Quixote yelled.

But then, the humanoid machine shows up right next to the townsfolk and said, "Don Quixote, be careful, the windmill is also a machine called Sandhoge!"

"Sandhoge?"

"You must avoid it or it will inflict a terrible pain!"

But it was too late as the windmill grabs Don Quixote from behind in full-nelson as soon as the old man turns his back. Soon, the sail transforms into a giant spiderlike machine and crawls toward the incapitated mecha the old man happens to be piloting and begins kicking it in the crotch.

"OH GOD, WHY?"

The townspeople and Don Quixote's partner looks on in pity as the old man continues to scream in agony as the Sandhoge's crotch attack against the giant mecha.

"THE PAIN! YOU BASTARD...OH GOD WHY? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"

The assault would continue for several hours until Don Quixote screams, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!" and press the detonation button, resulting in a massive explosion that engulfs the entire solar system.

In the end, there was nothing left.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - February 21st, 2014


One day, a kid named Josh Bedn and his friends got high so they went to the store to find something to satisfy their munchies induced cravings. The gang comes across the candy aisle in which one of them yell, "Look, it's the cadny aisle!"

"Whoa, awesome!"

"I want cadny!"

And so the gang starts stuffing their faces with sweet flavored pieces of diabetes, rotting their teeth until they can no longer eat anymore for the rest of the day. But just as they were about to leave, one of the employees came in and said, "Um...excuse me, are you guys going to pay for that?"

Josh Bedn snickers and said, "Take a hike! Hey maybe you get a better job while you're at it loser!"

His friends laughs while the employee who confronted them runs off crying, "MOMMY!" (He was found hanging in the basement later that day)

But then the security guards shows up and said, "Are you going to pay for the cadnys?"

"Um..."

Bedn and his gang tries to run, only to get tazed before they could make a move, leading to one getting beaten to the point he could no longer move. Soon, the beaten comrade of Bedn was dragged outside where he was told to bite down onto the curb.

"Say hello to your dentist for me!" said the security guard as he stomps on the guy's head, crushing it.

Frightened by what they just saw, Bedn then said, "Okay, okay, I'll pay!"

After calculating the amount of cadnies to be paid for, Bedn found out he's twelve cents short!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" he screamed.

The police were called and soon, Bedn and his remaining gang were questioned at the store.

"So you were twelve cents short?" one of the police officers asked.

"Yeah, I swear to god it's true!" said Bedn.

"Son, you do not swear to god...using foul language at god is really impolite and rude!" Fred Phelps yelled.

"Shut up Fred, go find a hobby or something." said the police officer.

"Okay, maybe I will!" said Fred as he marches away and yell, "Death to fags! Sieg Heil!  Mike Lupica is the greatest journalist ever!"

"Oh god what have I done?" the officer thought.

"Okay, anyway...you were twelve cents short and couldn't pay?"

"That's what I said!" Bedn yelled.

The officer turns to one of the employees and said, "Do you guys allow free samples?"

"Well no though there's no rules about that." the employee said.

"Okay kid, you and your friends are free to go."

After going home, the image of his friend's splattered brain on the curb haunts him and few years later, he would find himself in another trouble when he decides to exact revenge.

"YOU KILLED MY FRIEND TO DEATH! I WILL GET REVENGE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he screamed while piloting a Zaku, only to get shot down by an outdated Guntank model.

He would spend months under house arrest where he would be raped in his own home by his dog after dropping a soap.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - February 9th, 2014


Note: Inspired by Scarab's old stories, feel free to check it out and review.

One day, an aspiring mod-wannabe and a local nudist known as GoryBlizzard posted a thread with a naked picture of himself without thinking of possible consequences. Few years later, that picture would go on to bite him in his naked ass when a user known as Ejit, sometimes called "idjit" due to his sometimes idiotic posts came and bumped an old thread featuring such picture. It happened because GoryBlizzard wanted to become a mod so he made a post proclaiming that, "I'M GONNA BE THE KING OF MODS!"

This would set off the "Golden Age of Mods" which revives the interest in a glamourous position that have seen better days ever since the scandal with BigBadRon and Canas.

While GoryBlizzard never ate the devil's fruit that cause him to stretch and make him forget to swim, he did became angered by Ejit's action that he became butt naked mad and asked Wade to ban him. Afterward, the nudist decides that it wasn't enough so he tracks down the person who ruined his chance to become a forum moderator and kills him.

"What am I going to do now?" he thought.

Then a light bulb appears over his head.

"I got an idea!" he shouted.

"Good, please stop shouting to yourself you faggot!" someone yelled.

"Fuck you!" GoryBlizzard yelled back.

After dragging Ejit's body into an abandoned building, he strips off his clothes and proceeds to have sex with him. Afterward, he starts chopping the body limb by limb, soon the pieces were grinded into bits with a hacksaw.

"Who is laughing now?" he said with an evil smile.

After stuffing the remains into the bag, GoryBlizzard drove to a local restaurant where he sold it for $20 per lb.

"Um, sir? Would you mind putting on some clothes?" the manager asked.

"Fuck you!" was the answer.

 

 


Posted by Idiot-Finder - January 12th, 2014


Kenshiro was on his way to the nearest village where Toki have been said to reside in when a massive black man wearing a shirt that reads #99 came up with an evil laugh.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! A new visitor, too bad you can never get past me as I used to play in the NFL!"

Kenshiro became interested and said, "Really? Then I'll be the first."

The thug became angry and said, "Don't you dare underestimate me, before the explosion, I was voted into the Hall of Fame and got paid to say what I want!"

The martial arts master cracks his fists and said, "I'll just have to test your ability then."

Angered by Kenshiro's remark, the former football star lunged toward the man and attempts to punch him, only to be stopped by a pair of fingers. Couldn't believe that his own fist have been stopped by a pair of fingers from a man who looked smaller than he is, the thug screamed and threw another punch only to have the same result.

"This can't be!"

Kenshiro struck the pressure points in both of the thug's hands, causing the fingers to contort to the point that they resemble bow ties. After waiting for the scream to stop, Kenshiro then said, "So tell me, who done this to you?"

Still growling, the thug refused to answer as he tries to head butt him, only to get dodged and hits his head onto a giant rock.

"Grrr..." he growled.

"You can't beat me, I was given the power by the being send by god!"

"Who?" Kenshiro asked.

"If you want to know, then beat me!" was the answer.

At this point, Kenshiro was beginning to doubt this man still have a trace of free will.

After dodging blow after blow, Kenshiro said once again, "Who done this to you? You will have to answer sooner or later as your life is running out!"

The poor sapp continues to try to assault him, only to have the same result over and over until he became tired.

"You can't beat me, with this power...no one can handle me!" the thug yelled.

Soon, both of his fists began to glow before bursting into flames.

"See? See this? If you're scared then it makes sense, touch this and you will be on fire as I claw you!" he laughed.

Kenshiro however was not amused as he cracks his fists once again and said, "How can you claw me with your fingers contorted like that?"

Angered by the remarks, the thug proceeds to do the same thing as before by trying to attack Kenshiro with his flaming hands. However, as before, the moves by the sap were effortlessly dodged by the successor of the legendary martial arts. Being that Kenshiro still haven't gotten the answer of who enhanced the strength of a thuggish ex-football star, he continues to dodge the assault until he gets an opportunity to question him once more.

After grabbing one of the arm, Kenshiro then breaks it, causing the thug to fall back and howl in pain.

"YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO MY ARM? YOU GONNA PAY FOR THIS!" the thug screamed.

The martial arts master motions the thug to make his move and said, "Give it another shot, but your movements are slow to the point that I'm too tired to even yawn."

A vein starts to show on the thug's temple and was ready to burst when he let out a huge roar that can be heard from dozens of miles away. He struck Kenshiro in the face with his elbow but to no effect as the blow was taken without even a flinch. Immediately afterward, Kenshiro breaks the sap's other arm, causing the thug to let out another painful scream that can wake up the dead.

"It's over, just tell me the name of the person who did this to you and I'll make it quick." said Kenshiro.

However, the thug shook his head and roared, "NO!" before headbutting a giant boulder right next to him. Once the dust was cleared, the thug laughed as he sports shiny metallic spikes resembling a mohawk on his head.

"This is over for you little china man!" the thug grins as he attempts to headbutt his opponent, only to be stopped by a kick to the face.

"What is his name!" Kenshiro demanded.

"GRRR!" was the response.

After the thug made several jumps back to avoid a potential strike from his opponent, he lowers his head once again and yelled, "This time you won't be able to get out of my move alive!"

"Where have I heard that one before?" Kenshiro thought to himself.

After dodging the attack, Kenshiro then struck the thug in the chest with both fists.

MAN BOOBS EXPLODING STRIKE OF THE NORTH STAR!

"It's over, once I remove my fists, your time will be up."

The thug started to panic and said, "No...let me live, I beg of you..."

"Then tell me, who did this to you?" Kenshiro asked once more.

"Okay, I'll tell you...it was Toki." was the answer.

Kenshiro couldn't believe what he just heard.

"No really, who was it?"

The thug repeat the same answer, "Toki..."

"I know Toki, he wouldn't have done this despite what the rumors have been saying."

"No...it was Toki..."

Kenshiro lets go and begins to walk away.

"WAAAAAAAAAI-"


Posted by Idiot-Finder - December 31st, 2013


One day, a deer was taking a drink from a pond when suddenly, a bunch of rednecks and Karl Malone shows up armed with assault rifles originated from Russia. Before the deer could make its move, the men open fire at the deer and in the end, all what was left is a pile of goo.

"This is awesome, is there another animal to shoot?" one asked.

"I hope so Terry, I'm still pissed at how I could have ride the bench for the Spurs in 2005 and get that ring, I need to kill something!" Karl Malone yelled.

But then, the ghost of Charlton Heston shows up and said, "I saw a group of kids planning to shoot up the school, follow me!"

Without questioning on the fact that the star of the movie Ben Hur have inexplicably appeared out of nowhere, the men agreed and follows the ghost.

"Hey Tony, I heard you used to bully people, just don't let your personal feelings get in the way, okay?"

Tony Grave nods and said, "I won't, besides, those guys are bullied victims most of the time so...YEAH!" as he fires his AK-47 into the air, shooting down much of the passing flock of geese.

As the NRA made their way to the school, they heard a gunshot and Karl Malone motions the members to storm into action.

"FUCK YEAH!!!"

"MURICA!!!"

"DURRR!!!"

And so the NRA went in and starts a "heroic bloodshed" as they braved a flock of doves to start mowing down some teenagers who were trying to escape because of a misunderstanding. After pumping several clips into a wheelchair bound fat kid, Tony sighed and said, "Those guys aren't tough, what a bunch of wannabes!"

Karl Malone wipes the sweat off his brow and said, "Maybe we shot the wrong kids, I think they were trying to escape from the carnage."

Everyone stood in silence until another gunshot was heard.

"EVERYONE, GO, GO, GO!!!"

As the group headed toward where the gunshot was heard, they saw an emo looking kid holding a hostage.

"Stay back or this girl gets it!" he demanded.

Karl Malone shoots the hostage before taking out a hand gun and puts a bullet into the hostage taker's head with a single shot.

"Karl, you did it with one hand like Chow Yun-Fat, that's awesome!"

The former NBA star smiled and said, "Thanks Arnie."

"LETS GO AND FIND SOMEONE TO SHOOT!" Terry screamed.

"Let's split up!"

"Agreed!"

The NRA splits up and later did their job shooting the school shooters (along with several innocent bystanders as well). Once it was over, the members each left through the back entrance so they won't get caught when Karl Malone notice something in the sky.

"Hey guys, I saw something flying..." he said.

They all looked up and saw a giant mecha with a mustache sporting a pair of energy wings followed by destruction. To each of their horrors, they tried to run but it doesn't matter, after less than an hour, the entire world's population was wipe out.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - December 11th, 2013


Co-written with Ed Harley in FictionPress, be sure to check out his works.

Tommy was tired of getting bullied at school so he went to tell the teacher about the problem.

"Oh Tommy, you should realize that it is your fault!" said the teacher.

"Why?" asked Tommy.

"It's because, just by responding, the bullies will keep bothering you by calling you names." she answered. "You see, if your feeling gets hurt, they ju-"

"But it wasn't the name calling!" Tommy protested. "They pushed me from behind, beat me during lunch after stealing my lunch money, and even threatened to kidnap me and lock me in a shed with my eyes forced open to watch a movie directed by Uwe Boll!"

"Uwe Boll!" the teacher gasped. " Tommy, what did I say about lying?"

"But... But it's true, I swear!"

In a stunned silence, the teacher just shook her head in disapproval. "Tommy, there is no way that anybody would forced you to watch a Uwe Boll film! It's a heinous war-crime and there are at least five articles of the Geneva Convention on Torture that list his movies by name!"

"Tommy," the teacher said. "I'm really disappointed in you for trying to get people into trouble, you should be ashamed of yourself!"

"Bu-"

"No butts. I'm calling your parents!"

And so Tommy was grounded for "lying", leaving him distraught as no one would help him. The next day at school, he was on his way to class when the bullies came up to him. One of them said: "Hey Tommy, I heard you tried to squeal on us."

Tommy pissed himself. "Well...er...um, you know..." and then he tried to make a run for it, only to slip in the puddle.

One of the bullies reached down to grab a fistful of his shirt. "You know the punishment squealing!"

Tommy looked up in horror. "No, please...not that...anything but that!"

"Tommy sure has a perty mouth!" one of the bullies snorted like a retarded hillbilly.

"We'll make sure you'll squeal like a pig!"

Tommy would never be seen alive again. As a police investigation preceded, the bullies were suspended for whole two days. Later on, when the bullies returned to school, they were called into the principal's office to discuss what happened.

"Okay boys," the principal said. "I'm sure you know the reason why I called you here."

The bullies nodded and one of them said: "I know, Principal Cheswater, but that rat was trying to squeal on us!"

"By reporting to me?" the principal glared at the bullies. "Do you idiots really think that if Tommy came to me that I would do something to jeopardize the underground business I've been running?"

The bullies trembled in fear.

"I told you idiots not to kill him, just hurt him enough to make him cry and so you could collect his tears in a vial. How do you expect me to get tears from a dead kid? That kid's tears are in are worth five thousand dollars per ounce on the black market and you killed him!" Principal Cheswater yelled. "We can't keep running this business if you guys are going to continue to fuck up like this!"

"You know what?" The principal sat. "Just go home...just go...I'll think of something to work around this issue but I can't continue to cover for you guys..." The principal thought of something urgent. "Wait a minute, what did you do with the kid's body?"

One of the bullies spoke up. "We're gonna go bury it after school and make sure it won't ever be found!"

The principal, who was always looking for ways to cut the school budget, had another idea.

Later that week the school cafeteria had a Sloppy Joe Friday in honor of their lost classmate. The students observed a moment of silence before they ate. And everyone, staff included, remarked on the delicious and exotic taste of the cook's new recipe. In fact the student council voted to rename the sandwich a Sloppy Tommy, a fine tradition that continues to this day.

Meanwhile the black market business of Principal Cheswater continued on, as the tears of bullied kids did indeed have remarkable healing properties that allowed minor wounds to heal without a scar and a mysterious side effect that removed all feelings of shame from those who used it. The tears were said to be popular among sports writers and one former NFL quarterback, Boomer Esiason.

However, the principal would soon realize that with success comes trouble as there are competitors looking to take over the market by "taking him out" so that way the competition would soften. And thus, begins what would become one of the biggest gang warfare since the epic riot in Oakland back in 1984 (due to Al Davis moving the Raiders to Los Angeles and won a Super Bowl title there before realizing that the city thinks they're too good for an NFL team and it gets weird after that), resulting in a massive damage that would surpass the disaster in Detriot in the 1960s.

Since then, the day the warfare started would become known as "The Day of The Black Peril" because people are generally unoriginal like that and assumed that the riot was caused by black people. In spite of this, the school principal was able to run his operation for several more years as a result of the deaths of his business rivals until it was put to a halt due to a massive raid that was made as a part of the anti-bullying campaign. The campaign would be criticized by a bunch of old school seniors who thinks kids should learn to "toughen up" because they clearly have no idea of the severity of the problem and by the sports writers who became upset at the fact that they can no longer have an easy access to their favorite drug that they have been using for so long.

Sadly, the campaign won't last for long as it would end due to complaints filed by the bullies' families for violating their rights to express themselves. With that, the anti-bullying campaign would be declared "unconstitutional" by the Supreme Court, adding to the list of questionable decisions they made throughout history. Not long afterward, the ex-principal would resume his business and this time he received a license to do so and would be supplied by his successor so he can continue to sell medicine balm made from tears.

As a result of the new outbreak of bullying, a latest video game-based violence would occur when a bunch of bullied victims took some mushrooms, hallucinated, and jumped on several fellow students, flattening them. SWAT team would be called to put the end to the unfortunate violence and the stand off would take several days before it finally came to an end. Somehow the perpetrators survived despite getting hit by a rocket propelled grenade launcher because some of the mushrooms they ate happens to be green which granted them extra lives. The stand off ended when one of the officers threatened to shoot them with blue mushrooms if they don't stand down, causing the perpetrators to panic and the day would be saved.

But the kids would never be taken into custody because just as they were about to give themselves up, some idiot pulled out an axe right at the entrance and they all fell...

Meanwhile, few miles away from the school, a farmer named Carl Johnson was milking his cow when he heard a whacking noise from across the corn field. The farmer cautiously brought his shotgun along as he started to walk across the corn field to investigate the whacking sound, it couldn't have been this again could it? It's the last thing any farmer would want...what sick person would do such a thing?

Once the farmer made his way to the other side of the farm, his worst fear have been realized...a man in his mid-twenties have been flogging his recently deceased horse with a golf club. Angered by this action, farmer Johnson points his shotgun in the air and open fire.

The man runs off faster than a rabbit high on amphetamines.

"Gawd dang city folk..." the farmer growled as the helicopter he accidentally shot crashed down onto a local hardware store a street across from the farm. Later, it would be discovered that a bunch of terrorists were using the hardware store as a front to cover up the fact that they were using the pyramid scheme which could fund their plans to attack the American water supplies by dumping a large supply of manure into the reservoir. However, due to the flammable conent of the supplies, the terrorists could only be identified by their dental records...which aren't good as it is learned that they rarely brushed!

It was decided that their bad hygienes would have killed them eventually.

Several decades later, Harold Camping's prediction finally came true after several tries (including after the Cub's victory at the World Series) when the planet was blown up by a pink bubble gum thingy. Centuries later, a large chunk of what was left of the planet crashed into another planet that looked just like Earth, creating a catastrophic impact that would wipe out the entire life except fot the tiny mammals that burrowed underground for protection. The mammals would then evolve and build an advanced civilization where some weird things would happen, leading them to be saved by...well, it's weird so it's up to you.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - September 26th, 2013


Being a moderator usually brings responsibilities to certain individuals as some sites would run with three mods or fewer. Sometimes in a worse case scenario, the only mod running the forum is inactive due to various reasons, including laziness and having to deal with life outside of the internet. When a mod is inactive most of the time, the result can be as chaotic as the comments section in YouTube.

This is why sites like Newgrounds have dozen of mods in case something happens.

Canas was one of the moderators for Newgrounds who was tasked of enforcing the rule by banning unsuspecting trolls, idiotic users who didn't read the rules, and sometimes ban someone for no reason but to amuse himself. While the last part may rub the users he banned the wrong way, in the end they should be glad that it wasn't a former mod known as BBR or simply "Ron" for short. In fact, Ron was known to be a very abusive mod who would ban users he hated or as a way to troll them due to the amount of power that went into his head. Few years later, Ron's modship was stripped and fell into obscurity where he was last seen in Somalia getting shot in the face by a warlord for trying to ban him in real life (it was rumored that someone brought him back to life thanks to the use of dragon balls, making one to wonder how the Somali national past time went when they savagely dragged his body down the street). While big bad Ron may have been gone, his legacy remains as it inspires some mods such as Canas to flaunt their power in anyway they can.

In a way, Newgrounds mods can be expendable since the abusive or useless ones can be replaced like toilet papers. However, at the same time some moderators would prove themselves enough to be handed another task, making them much more versatile. Canas was among those mods as he was tasked with a responsibility to make sure no one breaks the guidelines on flash games and movies reviews that would be posted everyday.

Unfortunately, this also made Canas among the top targets for the notorious group of hackers and spammers known as "Duck Division".

The Duck Division were founded by a spammer named Chris Beer who started out submitting spam flash into the portal where more often than not, violates the portal guidelines and would be removed by the site administrator. Initially, the New Zealander headed a spam group known as "Food Face Force" who would submit racist contents into the portal. Not long after their banishment in late spring of 2009, "Duck Division" would emerge and does the same thing with the same result.

Angered at how his (along with his brethren's) "work of art" weren't accepted by his peers and the site's administrator, the demented New Zealander and his followers then takes it upon themselves to hack into accounts, especially those belonging to the staff of Newgrounds. At first, the moderators were fooled into submitting their personal information send to them through PM. Needless to say, Canas was one of the mods stupid enough to send in his account information which would result in his account getting hijacked all because he actually thought that he would receive free candies in return.

Once it was done, Canas' account was hijacked and used to wreak havoc on the site by banning several users for no reason, posting gay pornographic pictures, and even furry porn. It would take few days before the order was restored, leading to several moderators being demodded. However, the internet terrorism wouldn't end as they struck again by using a program that allowed them to brute force their way into the moderators accounts, hijacking them once again. In the end, the results were the same as the site's administrator, Wade Fulp made sure to warn the users to change their password to make it harder for the Duck Division members to hack.

For a brief moment, Canas would disappear and was never heard from for some time until the summer of 2010 when someone threatened to bomb New York City. The plot was quickly foiled as couple of people made their move to disarm the bomb and even traced the taunting phone calls they received, leading them to a secret hideout, revealing the mastermind of the plot to be Canas. It turns out Canas was humiliated by what transpired a year before that he went into hiding in order to create a distraction so people would forget his stupidity that cost him his modship. The then ex-mod would be sentenced to six months of probation.

For a while, users creating difficult passwords actually worked as the hackers weren't able to decode them as easily as they used to. It wasn't until couple of years later when Canas was reinstated as a review moderator, a suspicious message was send to him. Forgetting the lesson he learned few years back, the review mod then sends his account information in promise of a free candy...once again enabling the Duck Division members to wreak havoc on Newgrounds, just not the same extent as before.

Once again, Canas was demodded and 8/24/11 would be known as the day that a mod fell for the same trick, proving to everyone what he is, a dumbass!

As before, Canas disappeared and was never heard from for several months until his reinstatement as the site's moderator for the second time. It made people wonder if Wade felt sorry for the guy.

It turns out Canas fell into a financial problem because once again he was scammed after sending in information of his bank account as well as his social security number to a suspicious message send via e-mail. As a result, Canas became a victim of an identity theft and was forced to sell everything his owned, forcing him to live on the street. After months of begging for food and a small amount of change, Wade discovered him and was shocked to see one of his former mods in a pitiful state, so he took him in.

In time, Canas was able to recover as the perpetrator of the identity theft were caught and his financial status restored. Once everything went back to the way it was, including his reinstatement as a review mod, it seem the whole thing became all set, but it turns out not to be the case. Still sore from the humiliation he suffered from his own idiocy, Canas gathered a group of friends who worked "underground" in order to ensure that he would be able to create the ultimate scam...the kind of scam that would make people bow down to him.

With the resources his friends has, Canas was able to scam billions of dollars from various drug organizations and ineptly run sports teams. In time, Canas was able to build a secret base which allows him to run a true scam. However, knowing that someone might try to foil his evil plot, the review mod hired some thugs and even looked to create a massive blackout in the entire city in order to create a distraction so his operation won't get discovered. After all, running a pyramid scheme requires so much resources that you can't afford to have someone to bust it all up.

That's right, it's a fucking pyramid scheme!

"Why are you surprised?" said the review mod.

I tried to make sense of what happened but everything that came out of my mouth become sputtered.

"It's a complicated scam, if things goes well, it'll help us make twenty to fifty thousand dollars a week."

I finally found something say and said, "A pyramid scheme?"

"Are you alright? You sound kind of messed up, eh?" Canas said.

I started to feel like beating him to death with a wooden chair...all this for a pyramid scheme?

"You're acting like I did something wrong."

I jammed my fist into my mouth and bite down before taking it out and said, "You think nothing's wrong? What the fuck was THAT?"

"Calm down, here's a glass of water, drink and calm down." Canas said.

"Do you...do...you even realize what you did?"

"Still not over this? As I said, with the scam, we can ma-"

"IT'S NOT THAT! YOU BLEW THAT MUCH MONEY JUST SO YOU CAN RUN THAT CHEAP SCAM!" I screamed.

Canas backed away a bit and said, "Whoa, you're scaring me..." as he returns to his desk.

I start pulling my hair and biting off the skin off my fingers in frustration that surpasses all the time when Joe Girardi sends in Boone Logan to lose the game. All that for a cheap scam?

I punched the wall and slammed my head into the mirror where I finally started to calm down.

"A fucking pyramid scheme?" I growled.

"Oh come on, it's a wonderful scam and I need it to make money though the billions I stole wasn't enough to cover the entire cost of the elaborate hideout so I have to use my earnings, taking the profits down to about twenty bucks a week."

I got up and said, "A wonderful scam? A wonderful scam...you're telling me that despite the cost, it's still a wonderful scam?"

Canas' smile fades and said, "You still have problems with it don't you?"

"Yes I have a problem, what do you think? You blacked out the fucking city just to run a scam? A god damn scam?" I yelled.

"You have to realize that making money isn't easy, when I got scammed, I had to sell my body in order to get by. Once I finally recovered, I start doing little bit of this, little bit of that and so on with a cherry on top, from then it finally took off." the mod answered.

I cracked each of my fist and said, "So your sob story was supposed to justify the crap you pulled, is that it? It's because of you, I couldn't tape my favorite show and yet you expect me to feel sorry about the stuff that happened just because you didn't learn your lesson after getting phished for the first two times?"

Canas backed away for a moment and said, "Well...I can't be sure if it's a scam, you see, they offer a free candy...I can't just turn it down."

"And you're stupid enough to fall for that, three fucking times!"

"Still, it's free candy, if a stranger in a car came by and offer me one, I'd take it!"

I face palmed myself and said, "Even if there's a possibility that the stranger might be a rapist?"

"Yes!" answered Canas.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me, I mean come on, you can't be serious about this? Then again with all the elaborate bullcrap you managed to pull off, I shouldn't put anything past you." I grumbled.

"Okay, okay, so what if I put myself in a hundreds dollars worth of debt after scamming a fortune, still I can't let people find out about my mistakes or otherwise, I would become ruined!" he said.

"Like what happened the last few times you got phished and demodded?"

"Listen, I'm freaking Canas, the moderator of Newgrounds, mods are respected..."

I coughed.

"...admired..."

I coughed again.

"...can you please stop that?" Canas asked.

"Sorry, it's just that I'm allergic to bullshit." I said.

The mod glared at me like a scorned woman from a soap opera and said, "You think it's funny don't you?"

"No I did not." I said.

"Laugh again Mr. Tough Guy, even if you do manage to take down this scam, I will create a newer one, the one that can never be stopped...it will be better...stronger...faster..." said Canas.

"I seriously doubt you have six million dollars." I muttered.

The mod laughed.

"It won't be long anyway, especially since I took over the underground distribution of performance enhancing drugs for internet users!"

What Canas said caught my attention so I asked him about the performance enhancing drugs.

"Remember how in NG, people starts racking up portal stats week after week in a phenomenal pace to the point that some were banned under the suspicion of being robot accounts?" he said.

"Truth is, those drugs are in fact...amphetamine."

"That would explain so much." I said.

"Well, only way for the voters to get that much saves is to stay up all night, the sales tends to be at its highest during Clock Day." said Canas.

"How long have you been doing that?" I asked.

"Since 2012 when I started to spend billions I scammed out of in order to run my business, you see, the performance enhancing drugs are part of the business along with my precious Ponzi scheme." Canas answered.

I face palmed and sighed.

Canas climbs on top of his desk and said, "You may mock me, the thing is this...with hard work, things will pay off in the end, because..." as he takes out a remote and pushed one of the buttons where a music can be heard.

I shook my head and said, "Oh please no...no, no, no, no, no..."

The moderator takes out a cane and puts on a top hand as he begins to dance.

Then he starts signing,

Scam and money...

Scam and money...

Goes together like a bear and honey!

This I tell my mother, "You must have some and then the 'nother!"

"You cheater! You can't do that! CHEATER!" I screamed.

"You could have gone 'You must have some and then another', what the fuck?"

But the mod ignored me and continues to sing a half-baked parody of an old song...

Scam some dummies...

Scam some dummies...

Like a prostitute who wants more money!

Then he leaps right off the desk and hit me in the head with a cane.

"What the..."

Find a local gentry and throw him into penitentiary!

"What does this have to do with anything?"

Canas backflips right into his seat and continues to sing.

Try, try, try to reason with them, still a delusion

Try, try, try to see it's still the final solution

"Something about the last line just doesn't sound right." I said before starting to sing in order to make a rebuttal.

It's not funny, it's not funny...

Shows that you're a dumbass, now that funny!

Canas wasn't amused and said, "Dude, what the hell?"

I flipped him off and continues to sing,

I will tell your mother that you are dumb

You're fucking dumb

Canas angrily butts in and sang,

You can't just come and steal my mother!

"What?!"

The mod jumps right onto his desk and starts to tap dance throughout the musical interlude. I really have to admit, his tap dancing is pretty impressive, must have hired a really expensive choreagrapher.

Try, try, try to reason with them, still a delusion

Try, try, try to see it's still the final solution

"Not again, cheater, lazy cheat!"

Canas glares at me once again and said, "I'm..."

Not a dummy, not a dummy...

Please remember I just need some money!

"I know, I know you broke gigolo." I laughed.

"Shut up!" he yelled.

I jumped onto a chair and sang,

I will tell your mother what you have done...

Canas falls right off his desk as I continue.

What you have done...

"No, please don't tell her, it'll break her heart!" Canas begged.

He tries to tackle me but I ducked before heading toward his laptop where I would send an e-mail to his mom.

What you have done will hurt your mother!

Knowing that Canas would get up in time, I could only send a short message that reads, "Canas bad!"

"You bastard!" the moderator yelled as he threw a chair at me, only to hit the window right next to me. That's when I got up and take a look out the window where I learn that Canas' office is that the second floor, in fact the death trap corridors did lead up at first but after the rollercoaster ride, it heads down toward the underground.

Guess it does make sense since there's no way the building would be this big.

The moderator punch me in the face but as soon as I recovered, I got up and jump kicked him in the stomach.

"Come on Canas, you can do better than that!" I taunted.

Canas got up and tries to bull rush me but I stepped aside and he crashed his head right through the window. I grabbed him by his hair and slams his head into the wall, creating a huge dent. Afterward, I start landing several punches all over the moderator's upper body before knocking him out with a chair to the head, placing the inept mod out of commission.

After beating up Canas, I open up the drawer in his desk and found some bags of gold coins along with stacks of trading cards. I took some bags and a deck of cards I chosen from the stacks before calling the police. Then I left the phone on the desk, making it easier for them to trace the call until I realize that Canas didn't get to tell me the secret passageway.

I tried to wake up the unconscious moderator to no avail, so I decided to search the room before the police arrives. Spending minutes doing so, I knew there wasn't enough time so I decided to leave the place the old fashioned way, by going through the corridors of death traps. Seeing that I made my way through the first time up, it should be easier the second time around.

Turns out it wasn't the case since I have forgotten most of the death traps I went through but with the money I stole from Canas, this time I didn't have trouble with the potion vendors as I was able to pay them back. Going through the death traps are just as painful as the first time when I tried to get to Canas' office, making me wish that I hadn't knocked him out.

After going through and performing series of ridiculous stunts in order to leave the place, I finally found my way back to the familiar corridor where I remember the arrow that shoots out and had the sense to duck before approaching the exit.

Once I made my way through the door, I stretched my arms and yelled in relief.

It's been a very exhausting day, both mentally and physically, like taking a biology exam.

"It's finally over!" I thought.

If only...if only...


Posted by Idiot-Finder - September 17th, 2013


One day, TheKlown ordered a medicine ball because he saw how massive it is and wanted to play with it. In fact, seeing how soft it is, TheKlown thinks it would be really bouncy like a handball.

Once the medicine ball arrived, TheKlown opened the box and squee like a yaoi fangirl while watching Boku No Pico (also his favorite show).

"Oh yes, my ball have arrived, my ball have arrived, I can finally play with my ball!" he yelled.

"Shut up you faggot!" he neighbor yelled.

"No you shut up and stop being little people!" TheKlown yelled back.

Hearing this, the confused neighbor said, "What?"

For hours, TheKlown would bounce the medicine ball like a basketball and even threw it to the wall. But then suddenly, his precious ball started to crack.

Angered by this, TheKlown screamed.

"WHY? YOU RIP OFF ARTIST! ARGRGAGRARGGRARARGAGRGRAGRARGAGRAGRARGRGARGAG!!!"

Then the idiot stormed out of his house screaming about the "defective" medicine ball.

"Oh god shut up already you idiot!" one of the bystanders yelled.

"NO YOU SHUT UP!" TheKlown screamed.

"No seriously, we're tired of you, cut it already!"

TheKlown flopped to the ground and screamed, "STOP BEING LITTLE PEOPLE, STOP BEING LITTLE PEOPLE, I CAN TEAR YOUR HEAD YOU CRACKERS!"

"I'm not white you dumbass."

Then one of the passerbys came and said, "What's with this kid?"

"He's a local retarded kid who lives down the street, he does this all the time, don't worry, give him few minutes and he'll spaz himself to sleep." the bystander answered.

Then a random stranger wearing a blue leather jacket and jeans came in.

"Seeing the problem this kid is causing, I'll might as well put him out of his misery as a duty as a successor of a famous martial art." he said.

The bystander yelled, "WTF? It won't work..."

It's already too late as the martial art master went "WATATATATATATATATATA!!!" on TheKlown, only to learn that the pressure point assault have no effect on him.

"Wha...why?"

The bystander sighed and said, "For this to work, the target has to have all organs...this kid was born with a serious medical condition which caused him to lack much of an important organ..."

"Oh, that explains everything...sucks for the kid." said the martial art master.

Then everybody went home and lived happily ever after...except for TheKlown who would go on to spend the rest of his life in the insane asylum, too bad they gave him internet access for some reason, oh well.


Posted by Idiot-Finder - September 6th, 2013


Left off from page 1...

"You do you manage to afford all these, some of these things doesn't even exist!" I yelled.

"Oh, you'd be surprised although I have already surprised you more than enough but if you can survive these, then I guess I can let you in on a little secret I suppose."

"Are you trying to seduce me? I don't swing that way but thanks."

The overlord chuckled and said, "No, no I'm not trying to seduce you, I am offering you a position that can make you rich beyond your wildest dreams, you could even have anything you wanted if you're willing to accept."

"Go on." I said.

"The position will put you among the top ranking amongst my men, you can control the security whom you have just defeated and in return, you can have thirty percent of what we will take over!"

I thought about it, I mean it is a pretty generous offer but in the end...

"Sorry, I don't want it." I answered.

"I see, very well then but before I let you go, let's have a talk and see if I can still change your mind. First, put your gun down, I'm not going to threaten you or anything, it's just a friendly talk among us men as I'm willing to let you enter the room."

I backed away to let the door swing open slowly.

"It's been a while, still think I'm a idiotically inept moderator?"

Seeing the person behind all this, I became stunned and it would take a while for me to regain my composure in order for me to blurt out the name of the mastermind of the blackout.

"Canas?"


Posted by Idiot-Finder - September 6th, 2013


Mentally exhausted, I lay down on the bed despite being fully healed.

"You know I can't let you leave yet, potions won't fill you up and you have to eat." the potion lady said.

This raises another question at that point.

She gave me a bowl of gruel and told me to eat up, but I didn't like the look of the contents in the bowl, I mean I thought I saw something moved. Seeing the stern look on her face, I forced myself to drink it and surprisingly, it didn't taste half-bad, just bland.

After finishing the bowl, I waited awhile for the gruel to settle further into my digestive system before I could move on. Then I took off the bandages, put my shirt back on, and went to look for my jacket but wasn't able to find it.

"It's okay, you can't go without paying so I'm taking your jacket as a payment." said the potion lady.

I nodded and shrugged.

We bid farewell and I exited the room to enter the sixteenth level of hell.

It wasn't so much of a corridor than a canyon where the bottom is covered with bed of spikes. I saw a rope and realized what to do so I grabbed on to one and swung myself to the nearest platform.

To tell you the truth, it's kind of fun, the healing potion and the gruel I had must have reinvigorated me.

After taking a piss, I zipped my pants and swung myself to the end of the room where in excitement, I made a Tarzan cry before slamming myself into a wall right above the entrance.

Upon entering the room to the seventeenth level of hell, to my surprise the stairs led downward rather than upwards like the predecessor has. After walking down the long spiral staircase, I came across a corridor with floor decorated with an electonic hopscotch...

I wasn't sure what was going on there but as soon as I took a step, a music begin to play and that's when I realize the hopscotch is in fact a Dance Dance Revolution. Unlike most other corridors, this one isn't a trap, it's a test to see if you're good enough to pass so the door will open. If you failed, you have to go back and try again until you get it right, making this one the most exhausting out of all the corridors I went through.

But the song they chose had to be "Cotton-Eyed Joe"!

Remembering what was at stake, I sucked it up and concentrate on the screen installed right above the sealed entrance. It took me over a dozen tries to achieve over eighty percent accuracy on the song in order to pass (even taking a break in between), finally allowing me to pass through the entrance. After recovering not long ago, it didn't take long for me to become worn out.

After spending time to recover, I got up and head toward the eighteenth level of hell where the corridor was completey covered with ice. The door slammed as soon as I entered the corridor and slipped. The refridgeration suddenly begins and could see the chilling mist pouring down from the ceiling as the motor sound grew louder by the minutes.

I kept on slipping and knew that if I don't get to the end of this corridor, I would freeze.

I tried to grab onto one of the blocks of ice to help myself up, only for it to slide away. Then I pushed myself to the side of the corridor where I would try to grab onto whatever was on the wall, only to realize that the walls are completely covered with smooth layer of ice as well. Then an idea came up and I pushed myself back to the entrance from where I entered the corridor. Positioning myself on the back, I put my feet onto the door to push myself away from the entrance where I would slide all the way to the other side.

I grabbed the bar in front of the door and saw a small screen with a question which indicates that it's a touch screen.

It asked, "During the Trojan War, prior to Achilles' death, whose armor was one of the prizes in the competition?"

I typed in "Sarpedon"

Then the next question, "What is the freezing temperature?"

I typed in "32 °F" and it was ruled incorrect!

I was surprised, how can it be wrong? Then I remember that there was the unit of measurement for temperature that is used by the majority of the world which in turn gives me a hint who the "overlord" is.

I typed in "0 °C" and the next question comes up as I started to sneeze.

"What Batman character did Arnold Schwarzenegger kill in 1997?"

I typed in "Mr. Freeze" and finally the door opens.

I made my way in and started to sneeze uncontrollably before I could really proceed to the next corridor. After spending time pressing one of my nostrils close in order to blow out the runny mucus from my nose, I did the same to the other before wiping them with my shirt.

Not sure why one of the question wasn't ice related but whatever, moving onto the nineteenth level of hell, I walked down the stairs where the corridor has walls built with flamethrowers blowing from both sides, making this one the closest to live up to its nickname I gave it. I was intimidated at first until I notice how they didn't fire at the same time, indicating that there's a certain timing and patterns involved.

Knowing that if I were to get through this corridor of hell, I would have to time the pattern correctly or I'd be torched.

Spending some time reading the pattern, I made sure to check several times before I could step in. I ran past the first flamethrower just before it fires and stood in the direction of the second before heading to the third. Then once the second flamethrower stopped, I leaped back as the third fires a scorching hot flame right in front of me for few seconds before I could move past it. While standing in the direction of the fourth flamethrower, I became unsure because from the angle I was standing while reading the pattern, you know that I could get the bird eye's view as there's no platform for me to stand on so I had to take a guess.

Needless to say, I looked at the fourth flamethrower and realized that it was going to fire at me. After jumping out of the way into the path of the third, I made a run for it before stopping in front of the flames fired by the sixth, stranding me in the path of the fifth as the flames from behind blocked the path there too. It gets worse from here, after moving to the path of the seventh flamethrower, I was grazed in the back by the sixth causing me to run toward the wall of fire from the eighth flamethrower without thinking...

It does looked like I had a reprieve when the eighth flamethrower stopped and as I tried to run past the ninth and final flamethrower, I was immediately hit and for that time I thought I was cooked. I wasn't sure what happened after that by I fell and struggled to get out of the pool of water in the room at the end of the nineteenth corridor before realizing that it's shallow enough for me to stand on. This pretty much indicated that the overlord didn't feel confident in his own ability to get through the hellish corridor as well so he apparently had the small pool installed just in case.

It was refreshing for a while, but as I tried to get out, the pool floor tilts and I slid down right into the chamber where a rubber life raft would suddenly appear from the bottom, carrying me into the tunnel. I wasn't sure where the current was taking me but once the raft stopped to an abrupt halt, I climbed to the port and saw the raft sunk into the bottom as it begin to move back out of the tunnel.

Looking around, I found the door with a sign that reads, "Boss Only!"

Thinking that I have finally made it, I opened the door, climbed up the stairs where I became disappointed as it would turn out, there's another corridor and this time there's a wimpy looking man sitting on the floor meditating.

"So, you must be the intruder I heard so much about, it's quite an accomplishment but this is as far as you can go!" he said.

That's when I knew he's not the potion vendor.

"I couldn't believe it when I received a text message from the potion brothers who told me about a guy who stiffed them, only one who made it that far was the overlord but that was before he had the passageway that gave hi-err...forget what I just said okay?"

My eyebrows raised.

"No, it's nothing, forget it, let's fight!"

I shrugged since I figure I could just ask the overlord about the passageway.

The wimpy guard threw a weak punch and I just slapped it away like a fly trying to fly toward me.

"Okay, time for my secret technique!" he said before making a series of poorly imitated martial art which made the poor bastard look like a monkey having seizures. I punched him in the face and he fell.

As he got up, the guard has a smile on his face.

"Have you realize what you have done, this is my true ability after all!" he laughed.

All of a sudden, I felt like I have been punched in the face!

I wiped my face and rubbed my nose while wondering what just happened.

"You haven't figure it out have you, everything you threw against me, you'll feel the same pain!"

I cleared my throat and quietly said, "If that's the case, then let's see how much you can take it!" with a grin.

I start beating him while taking damages from my own punches at the same time. Once it was over, the guard passed out while I collapsed from the pain all over my body, especially after making a mistake of kicking him in the crotch while forgetting his special ability.

I slowly got up and stumbled into the room where there's a young man running the potion stand who looked at me in surprise.

"You must be the guy who stiffed my brothers from before."

I nodded.

"Awesome, I got just the thing for you!" he yelled enthusiastically which took me by surprise, I mean wasn't he supposed to be mad?

"The overload never bought anything from me because oh you know, he stocked up from what be bought from my brothers and time after time they would rub it in my face and you know how tough it is being the youngest sibling don't you?"

"Not really." I said.

"Oh...okay then, but anyway, in return for stiff my brothers, here is something you may need along the way." he said.

The vendor gave me a belt and continues, "This belt can hold up to five bottles of potions so you won't have to go through the trouble of trying to hold on to the bottles themselves and notice how I gave you three of them, they're free!"

"Thanks!"

"Don't mention it but the next time we meet, you have to pay if you want more bottles." said the vendor.

I nodded and bid each other farewell.

Entering the twenty-first level of hell, I came across another guard, this time in a ninja getup.

"Who are you supposed to be?" I asked.

"Mock me all you want, but in the end I will be the one to do the mocking as you lay down in pain as your life slowly expires!" the ninja laughed.

"I wasn't mocking you, I was j-" just as the wind blew by me and felt something slashed through my legs. Screaming in pain, I could barely stay on my feet what watching the blood soaking through my jeans.

I recognized that style...

Clenching my teeth, I said, "You...just...used..."

The ninja laughed and yelled, "That's right, I practice a style of martial arts known as Nanto Sei Ken!"

"I knew it!" I thought.

The style of that martial art was made famous by the manga "Hokuto no Ken" where there were fighters who practices it would slash the opponents from the outside, even slicing them into ribbons, contrasting the style employed by the protagonist (which tends to be extremely gory and much more messier). As I can recall, this particular technique was famously employed by a homosexual.

When facing a person who has that technique, there is one rule, DO NOT STAND YOUR GROUND!

As the ninja guard starts sending several more waves toward me, I jumped right over it and ran toward the person where I knocked him down with a punch. After beating him to a pulp, I thought it was over when the ninja guard slashed my legs once again and said, "I just severed your femoral artery on each legs, even if you get past me, you won't go very far."

Remembering the potion the vendor gave me, I grabbed the bottle and quickly drained it down to the last drop. After waiting a few minutes for the wounds to heal, I still had to sit on the ground for a while for my blood to replenish as well since the full effect of the potion takes time. It was a good thing the ninja guard passed out from the wounds I dealt him or otherwise he could have finished me off as I was drinking.

Just as I was ready to leave, the ninja guard woke up and said, "You're fortunate to have that potion or otherwise you'd be dead."

"Still fighting?" I asked.

"No, this time I admit defeat, it is honorable of you to not use that weapon and for that, my respect grows."

Stunned, I said, "Um...okay."

As I was moving on, I started to think about whether I should have told him the truth, but decided against it since I didn't have the heart to tell him that I forgot that I have a gun with me or otherwise, I would have used it from the start, saving me the trouble against him.

After patting the gun on my holster, I headed into the twenty-second level of hell where there's a seemingly empty corridor but after noticing the sides, I wonder what could be set up in order to trap me in there.

At first, I threw a pebble into the ground, but nothing happened, even tried tapping my foot on it with the same exact result. Afterward, I dashed toward the end of the corridor knowing that there is a good chance if I stopped, something might happen. Even as the floor started to rumble I still kept on running although the corridor is just as long as the eighth corridor which makes it difficult to make it to the end.

Toward the end, I stumbled and nearly fell off the steep edge before recovering to make the jump before the rising floor could crush me in the ceiling. However, upon landing, I felt a pop on both knees and felt a sharp pain on each of them. Unable to take such pain, I popped open another bottle of potion and gulped it down, only to have some liquid fall right into my windpipe.

After accidentally spitting out some of the potion and spend several minutes coughing, I had to clear my throat for a while before I could finish up the rest of the potion in the bottle, leaving my knees only mostly healed, which is still good enough.

Entering the twenty-third level of hell, there's a narrow bridge over the bottomless pit. What makes it dangerous wasn't just that the bridge didn't have handrails, it's that once I started to walk on the bridge, several ghosts would rise from the pit and got on my face saying something in order to make me fall. I knew in order to get to the other side, I have to stay steady because if I run, you know what happens.

The ghosts would becomes louder and louder as I became closer to the end of the bridge. Once I finally made it to the other side, the ghosts suddenly vanished which led me to believe that there may have been some buttons in the bridge to set up the hologram.

As I enter what would turn out to be the final corridor, just like before, there's a man guarding the door.

"Y-you came that far? H-h-how did you..." he stammered.

"You seem nervous, even I wasn't that bad while making a presentation during college class," I said.

"Y-you have no idea, having t-t-to guard there...for that long, hehehe..."

Creeped out, I said "Okay then, what are you supposed to do?"

"We play a game..." he answered.

"What?"

"It's easy...p-paper beats rock...rock...beats scissors...and scissors beats paper, that's how it goes!" he said with a smile which creeped me out even further.

"Beat me three times...you may pass."

"That sounds simple enough." I said despite being somewhat unsure of myself.

"If you lose, you may try again but...win or lose, it won't happen..." he said.

As soon as the game began, it started out with series of stalemates.

No really, I didn't think it's remotely possible but or minute after minute, it was like the guy was able to read my hand movements. I even tried five scissors in a row and yet the results are the same time after time after time. After using just about every mix I can think of in order to throw the guy off, I had to stop for a minute in order to think what I was supposed to do.

Knowing that the final guard seems to have an ability to read hand movements, something must be done in order to beat him. I thought about pulling out a gun and shoot him, but I decided that I wanted to beat him at his own game instead, I mean shooting him would be way too messed up and that's coming from someone who would have used Action Replay to cheat on Pokemon in order to get a shiny Pokemon if given the chance to do so.

Not willing to step away from the challenge, I said, "Hey, how many ties did we hit so far?"

"29!" he answered.

"29 and counting, not going to end anytime soon!"

I sighed and sat on the floor thinking about the plan to fake him out, only to find myself talking to...myself once again.

"There's got to be away...he's not going to keep forcing me into a stalemate any longer!"

"Oh yes I can!" the guard sang.

"Oh shut up!" I yelled.

I tried to concentrate, hoping to find a way to counter the guy's reading of my hand movements when I fell asleep. I dreamt that I was in a "Old Master Q" cartoon movie where the main character and Mr. Chiu were trying to force each other into testing a time machine that injured Big Potato and Mr. Nobody. In the end, Old Master Q was able to fake him out by using a thought bubble where...well, that's where I woke up and the rest was a bit hazy afterward since it's been years since I last watched that cartoon.

However, I did found out couple of ways to fake out the guard, but decided that I'll have to wait aft first, can't give it away too soon or it'll be wasted. Either way, there's no way I will let the stalemate reach one hundred times in a row, especially after watching that episode of "The Regular Show".

"Okay bud, I'm ready and this time I can guarantee that I will end the stalemate and win three times!" I boasted.

The guard laughed and said, "Just try...I like to see you try!"

Guess he dropped the act.

"Okay then!"

I cracked my fingers and said, "Bring it on!"

It started off like this, scissor vs. scissor, paper vs. paper, rock vs. rock, paper vs. paper, paper vs. paper, rock vs. rock, paper vs. paper, rock vs. rock, rock vs. rock, scissor vs. scissor, scissor vs. scissor, rock vs. rock, rock vs. rock, paper vs. paper, paper vs. paper, paper vs. paper and vice versa. The stalemate would continue when my hand slowly opened up just before the tool we choose was thrown.

"The stalemate will last forever!" the guard laughed, reminding me of a crazy woman from Umineko.

After few more paper stalemate, on the next match up, I threw in a scissor at the last second, beating his paper.

"What?! That's impossible, I should have caught that!" he yelled.

"Not really, there's a reason why I slowly opened up my hand as time went by, that way it'll become tougher to see whether if it's a paper or a scissor since they're closer to each other than rock is to either of them." I said.

"Ha! You gave it away, now I can see what you will do later on since you only won one, you need two more but that'll never happen!" he yelled.

"So what? You would have figured it out anyway, after this it's all a matter of crap shoot." I yawned.

Before continuing our match, I walked away and crouched down on the floor thinking about what I should do. Remembering the fake out from Old Master Q cartoon movie, I got up and walked back to the guard, saying, "Ready for the second round?"

"Okay!"

"Rock, scissor, paper!"

He threw a scissor while I threw a rock.

"WHAT? NO WAY!" the guard screamed.

I laughed and said, "Worried yet?"

"It's not over yet, you still need one more win!" the guard growled.

Just as we were about to throw our hand, suddenly, our fingers stopped mid-way in hesitation.

I yelled, "What the hell?"

The guard was puzzled as well.

I didn't get it, I'm leading two to nil, I shouldn't worry about this.

"I get it, you're worried about choking!" the guard said.

"What?"

"Few years ago I was watching an air hockey tournament on ESPN, I always thought you looked familiar but it turns out you're the guy who blew a huge lead in each four sets, since then you just disappeared."

I became silent, he actually watched that? I didn't think people would actually watch that crap but to think that it was aired on ESPN...I know they air poker but still, I couldn't believe it.

Then he continues, "Then again, you came out of nowhere and somehow knocked off several contenders including the defending champion that time in the early rounds, guess lighting can only strike once."

Truth to be told, what happened in that air hockey tournament few years ago had nothing to do with my hesitation, I didn't even remember until he went and brought it up. I even tried to tell him that but...

"Yeah sure, maybe if I can keep up the stalemate...maybe you will lose after all, after all you're all out of tricks aren't you?" the guard laughed.

"There's one more..." I said.

"What is it?" the guard asked with a smirk.

"A ROCK!" as I punched him in the face.

Remember the stuff I said about beating him at his own game? I already beat him twice so I decided to screw the third one.

After beating his head in with a rock, I entered through the door and to my relief, the corridors and death traps I had to go through, it's finally over. At the same time I was also surprised, the place's a luxury!

I entered the lounge room and looked at the clock, confirming what I have thought all long, it's already too late as it's been over seven hours even since I entered the corridors. Feeling depressed, I sat on the sofa where I would fall asleep once again, only to be awaken by the sound of someone yelling, scaring me into thinking that I might have been caught.

Turns out while they did found me out as the guard I knocked out earlier woke up and alerted the others inside the luxury room, they haven't discovered me yet. So I stretched and made my move to avoid getting caught.

Then suddenly, remembering all the potion I drank from before, I needed to use the restroom so I sprinted to each room before finally coming across the men's room. I entered the bathroom stall and proceed to relax. Behind the closed door of the bathroom stall, I could hear couple of guards entering the room and stood in front of the stall I happened to be in, talking to each other.

"Can you really believe this? No one else have made it past all these since the overlord had the secret passage built for his and ours convenience, in fact we were among the chosen by the overlord because he trusted us to protect him and yet..."

"I know, but it's not going to matter, while someone did slipped by somehow, we can't let him get away or we'll get it for sure!"

They would continue to chat for several more minutes before leaving. making it safe for me to come out. After washing my hands, I peered out of the entrance to look around just to make sure there aren't any guards looking for me. Once knowing that the coast was clear, I got out and climbed up the stairs to the upper level of the room.

Feeling hungry, I went to the kitchen and found boxes of instant grits.

Just when I was ready to help myself to a meal, one of the guards entered the kitchen and said, "So there you are, to think you're making a dinner, what a mistake."

I watched as he pulls out a gun and said, "Don't think about beating me in a duel, no one have ever outdrawn me before and every single kills I had were given the Moe Greene Special, really leaves a mark."

"So you get your kicks from shooting someone in the eye?" I said.

He smiled and replied, "I made sure to keep track of each and every one of my kills, all one hundred thirty three of them in the eye, it's a shame that you would fall by your own stupidity all because you think about your stomach. You should have thought about your eye as well as your life."

"It's time for the Moe Greene Special..."

Before he could do so, I gave him the Al Green Special, leaving him screaming from the burns of the hot boiling grits. After knocking him out with a frying pan, I ran out of the kitchen and hid in one of the rooms as several guards came to the eye-shooter's aid.

Knowing that the guards would search high and low in this place, I had to keep on moving.

As soon as the guards enters the room, I hid under the table covered with cloth.

"Hey Don, be sure to check under the table!"

CRAP!

I scampered from under the table and in a split second, leaped right over the sofa in order to hide behind.

"What was that?"

"I don't know, it's like a wind just blew or something."

"Maybe it's a ghost?"

"Don't be silly, remember the last time we told called the overlord about this? If he finds out we have been drinking again, he'll have us whipped with a belt!"

As they were bickering, I found another stairs and made my way up where it leads to another hall. Having to time to think about what could lie ahead, I sprinted down the corridor where I would meet a familiar face.

Not many know his name but he was known by his preferred internet moniker, "The Klown" (I recognized him by his name tag, pseudo-gangsta getup, and a Philadelphia Eagles cap). It's a very fitting name for him because more often than not, many of the things he would post are befitting of a, what do you think? A clown.

He's also known to threaten people online whenever someone insults him or calls him out for rubbish posts he would make. It's because of his actions, the clown would get a weekly ban each month by the moderators.

He was asleep when I got there but the creak on the floor caused him to shot awake screaming, "THE ANSWER'S 12!" before looking around to realize that he's not in class.

"Who the fuck are you?" he yelled.

Seeing that he didn't know who I am, I decided to have fun by messing with him.

"So we meet again clown, once I'm finished I will finish my shift operating the crane."

Klown's face reddened with anger and yelled, "POOZY, YOU BASTARD, YOU HAVE BANNED ME FOR NO REASON BUT NOW THAT WE'RE NOT ON THE WEB, I CAN TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF YOU MOFO!"

"I would like to see you try you stupid wigger." I said.

The wigger tried to pull my head off for few minutes, only to tire out.

"Wait for a minute." he said.

I watched in disbelief as the clown starts tearing his shirt off while screaming like Bobcat Goldthwait getting his nuts ripped off. Once it was over, the clown grinned and said, "Now it's time!"

He tried to pull my head off again with the same result.

"Enter ban land!" I said.

I slapped the idiot with my left hand and he twirled to the floor.

"Whoa...that doesn't hurt you faggot!"

I sighed and said, "Riiight!"

The clown tried to attack me but then I slapped him again, causing him to turn and run into the wall.

"C'mon you clown, is that the best you can do? I thought you're going to tear my head off!" I said in a mocking tone.

The clown got up and said, "You white trash...he only reason you think you can treat people like shit on Newgrounds is because you give the website money."

Caught by surprise, I said,"What? First of all, I'm not white and..." when that idiot cut me off.

"You think that give you the right to belittle people," he continued.

"I only belittle you."

"But you're nothing but trash and face to face you would easily get you racist ass beat by me."

"Um...who's beating who? Not to mention as I recall, you posted quite a nasty stuff on the Trayvon Zimmerman thread."

The clown then screamed, "SHUT UP YOU FAGGOT OBAMA LOVER, IMMA KICK YO ASS!"

That comment came out of nowhere.

The clown would charge toward me and I struck a blow onto his chest, knocking him down.

"I'm not left handed." I said.

"SHUT UP, THAT MOVIE SUCKED!" he screamed.

I kicked him and instantly, he screamed.

"Notice how your pain became worse? I just struck a pressure point in your chest, now all your nerves are exposed!" I said.

"YOU BASTARD!"

"Guess I struck a nerve." I said with a chuckle.

"HOOOOOOOW? SINCE THE LAST ECLIPSE, ALL THE WEIRD SUPER POWER SHIT ARE GONE...THIS IS BULLSHIT!" the clown screamed again.

"Oh I know a guy who knew that move back in Minneapolis, long story..." I said just before kicking the idiot just to make him suffer.

"OH GOD, IT'S LIKE MY BODY'S COVERED WITH BARE NERVES!"

"That's the point when I hit that pressure point," I said before being interrupted by the screaming.

"...anyway, time to really put this one to a test."

I pulled out a gun and shot him in the knee, causing the annoying forum poster to scream even louder, nearly deafening me in the process.

"God really? You sounded like your nuts have been lopped off, speaking of..."

I kicked him in the groin with the same result.

After he was done screaming, I crouched down in front of the suffering clown and said, "Just to let you know, it's not superpower or magic, ever heard of acupuncture?"

As I got up, I stepped on the clown's head and started to grind my sneaker, causing him to tearfully beg me to stop. Starting to feel bad, I stopped and took out the last bottle of potion, waving it above his head.

"This could heal you and once that's done, I could hit the pressure point again to cancel the effect that I just activated on your body." I said.

Klown sobbed, "T-thank you..." just before I dropped the bottle right in front of him.

"Oops, that's too bad, it's the last bottle I have." I said before breaking into laughter.

I watched as the poor bastard began to lap on the floor like a dog hoping to get enough to heal up his knee. Once again I placed my foot onto his head and pushed it down on the puddle.

I know I was being a dick but after going through a series of deathtraps, it felt great, not to mention torturing that piece of shit who have been posting crap on the boards for years...I needed that release.

It wasn't long until some of the guards showed up and as expected, they were horrified to see what I have been doing to Klown. Knowing that they will make a move, I pointed my gun toward Klown's head and said, "If you make one move toward us, I will make sure that clown's brain will decorate the part of the hall."

"You bastard better not do anything to him!" one of the guards yelled.

"If you kill him, I swear we will make you regret this!"

I smiled as Klown whimpered, "K-kill me..."

"Like hell I will!" I yelled before kicking him in the face.

The guards protested but it didn't matter since they knew better than to do something to save their comrade. Truth is I had no intention to kill him, I got the kicks I needed from the misery I beaten into that clown.

I knelt down and said, "For all the crap you have posted on Newgrounds, just tell me, was it worth it?"

Seeing the teary mess Klown became as well as the snot running out of his nose, I shook my head and sighed. "It's been fun but I have no time for this, farewell!" I said as I use the only other pressure point technique I knew by striking his forehead with my two fingers, knocking him out. I could hear the guards yelling at me but to my surprise, the speaker right next to the door then bellowed, "It's okay guys, don't open fire on our uninvited guest, I have been expecting him."

The guards were taken aback as much as I was.

"Just pick up Klown and leave, our guest didn't kill him so be sure to send him to the hospital where he can recover from his wounds, I'll deal with him myself."

After the guards retrieved Klown, one of them glared at me and said, "You will pay for what you did, the overlord will teach you a lesson that you shall never regret!"

I dug some dried earwax out of my ear and said, "Sure bud, I'll make sure that he does."

"You think that was funny do ya? How about if someone does it to you?"

"Been there and done that about an hour ago."

Angered by what I said, he gave me a shove and in response, I punched him in the face. After a brief scuffle, some of the other guards separated us and said, "Guys, stop it there's no time, we need to get Klown to the hospital and you need to have a meeting with our overlord, there's no time to waste already!"

"Besides, how old are you two? You're not kids!"

Once the guards left, I turned to the door as the speaker then boomed, "I am impressed on how you have managed to get there in spite of the traps that led to this room, even I had times where I nearly regret having them built."

"However, it's been a while since I last went through that place now that I had no need to risk my life due to the passageway built in my office."

My eyebrows raised and I said, "So it's true, you must have made sure to choose the most trusted men in your inner circle to accompany you as well."

"Correct." said the overlord.

http://idiot-finder.newgrounds.com/news/post/865120