One night while spamming the Yankees message board with nonsense, the same thing as usual, he was browsing Sports By Brooks in hope that he'll pick them up one day by stalking. After finally running out of ideas of what crap he should post, the typical Red Sox fan decide to call it a night. The next morning while busy enjoying his day off from class, tired of wasting all those time trolling the Yankees message board, an idea came up. Hoping that the people at newgrounds including his then fellow EGB members are gullible, he went to create another NG account.

"Teeheehee" he laughed

Sometimes later on newgrounds, a user known as hot-and-charming appears on a message board. On a thread asking the users about their favorite mods, hot-and-charming came up and said "Oh, they're just too directive for me to be the best, I prefer to sleep with the ones that are supportive, I hard Maus is soft and nice so I'll go with her"

Maus came and read the post

"Sweet!" she said

Several months of tricking the NG community (I wasn't paying attention), Duke decides to push it further.

"That'll teach them for dissing my poor Red Sox, they paid their players in peanuts while the Yankees made them millioniares, I hate them!" he said as he made his way into the Major League Thread in which "league" is spelled "leauge" due to a stupid typo.

"Why Estabum Loaiza?" the alt. squealed sadly

Crashman notice and said "You're a A's fan?"

"Yes" said hot-and-charming

"Sweet, hi I'm gullible-idiot-in-training" said Crashman

"Sorry, I already have a boyfriend

"Damn it!"

Few minutes later, Duke switch back to his main account screaming "DAMMIT!!! I HATE YOU WELLS!!! TRADE DAVID FATTT WELLS!!!" before proceeding to drop his cluster-f-bombs

"Can you please shut the fuck up?" said Coop83

"NO!"

Everyone sighs due to having to put up with Duke's idiocy. Then few weeks later...

After being found out, hot-and-charming tries to hold off but EagleRock then confront her with the information from the site of that supposed model.

"Well...Eagle, you really should not fully trust what the internet said, especially since the website was 4 years' old already. I used to consider USC as an option, but hey, I know where I am. Actually, I am quite irrated for that webiste to provide invalid information. I guess that we have had enough about this topic. Please let get over with the issue, thanks" he/she typed, apparent that Duke didn't do his math

Then EagleRock counters "By your logic, I should trust you, since your words are coming through on the Internet. However, www.dianakauffman.com is not 4 years old. In the portfolio, the top right picture shows a magazine article which talks about Diana Kauffman being the "Coors Queen of Halloween" in 2004. Disputing that picture is not easy to do, as it is right there, clear as day"

Then he proceeds to present more evidence against " her"

After series of debates in which EagleRock clearly has the upper-hand, Duke switch back to his main account to defend his "girlfriend". But then EagleRock slaughters him mercilessly as Duke's idiocy fails to hold him off.

"Those evidence are clear, it's your alt." he said

Then Duke said "You're just jealous, we Duke University students are studs, that's why our lacrosse team raped that hooker" Duke said

"What the fuck does this have to do with anything?"

"Ummm...okay maybe she's not my girlfriend and I faked the whole thing...but still I rubbed my penis on a picture of her so it counts"

"No it doesn't, you're doing it on a picture, not an actual person"

"But..."

"No, you know what?"

"..."

"YOU FAIL!!!"

Sometimes after this incident, Dream-of-Duke was kicked out of the EGB. Few years later he disappeared and was never seen again. Some believed that his disappearance may have been linked to Idiot-Finder's investigation regarding the voting drugs, but no one will ever know for certain...

Earlier this morning I was delivered a package. I was wondering what could it be since I haven't been ordering anything for a while. Then I notice something's strange about the package, there's no label on who is it from, to make it worse...there's a ticking sound. I used my supernatural powers to tap into my x-ray vision to see what's inside, I found out it's a bomb. With clock ticking down at twelve seconds, I ran across the room to open the window and toss the package with every ounce of strength I have.

Soon I quickly duck for cover despite being in a room several stories high and there's a loud explosion heard. I got up as the smoke clears, I look down and saw several people on motorcycles driving away, those fans of the team from San Diego with a bolt logo really are serious. I still couldn't believe that over a year ago, the whole thing started because I laughed at that idiot back in San Diego and the fact that I called F.B.I. on those who went and burn effigies in the park. Those people have taken it to a whole another level personally.

"I'll get them one day" I said to myself

Later that afternoon a discussion with F.B.I. agents that potential murderer Chris Beer may be on the run which could explain why we couldn't find him, I went to walk around for a while to think about returning home. When it happens, I notice someone's walking behind me so I stopped for a moment to see who it is. Then that person threw a pipe at me and I was able to dodge it the same way Bush did in Iraq when some dude came up and threw a shoe at him (became huge news, even regrettably overshadowing the incident involving the governor of Illinois).

"Who are hell are you?" I said

"Yenig, I was sent by Beer to kill you" he said

"Why would an alcoholic beverage sent someone to kill someone, fridge logic much?"

"Chris Beer you fucking idiot!"

"Hey, no need to be nasty about it"

"Shut up, all you need to know is that I'm evil and I will take you down!"

Then he claps and place his hands on the ground, soon there's a flash of light and a sword appears. I was stunned, he crossed the gate...

"You opened the gate didn't you?" I said

"So you know about alchemy then?" he said

"What did you give up to do that?"

"None of your business!" he screamed

Then he charge right at me, but I jumped over him like Michael Jordan when he was in his prime. Soon I ran toward him and kick the sword out of his hand, soon I kicked him in the crouch but he didn't react. Then I kicked him in the torso to knock him back by several yards before backing off myself to be safe.

"So that's what you gave up" I said

"Shut up!" he yelled

"Maybe if you hadn't open the gate, you'd still have your manhood intact"

"I said shut up!"

Then I came right at him and knocked him to the ground.

"Give up?" I said

"Yes, please..."

I was going to walk away when Yenig went Flozell Adams on me by sticking his leg out to trip me over. Once I fell to the ground, that bastard went on to kick me in the knee...

"Son of a bitch, that's a cheap shot!"

Then that DD troll proceeds to kick me in the stomach. I have to roll away to avoid being stomped several times before finally reaching the sword I kicked from him. I slowly got up despite the pain on my right knee as I point the sword at his direction. The troll then shrugged and claps his hands together before placing them to the ground to transmute another sword. I blocked his swing and then I was able to fend him off for few minutes before holding down his blade. There I clocked him in the face with my left fist.

As he stumbles backwards, I dug the sword to the ground and held on to the handle while leaping to the side and kick him like that stickman from Xiao Xiao 3. Once it's over, Yenig got up and runs off like a coward. Another battle won but this time with a huge cost, due to that cheap shot me made I could barely stand straight due to the pain in my right knee, I hope it's not serious. Lesson to be learn, late hits are one thing since you cannot control yourself in split second while in full speed after the quarterback has thrown the ball, but stick your leg out to trip someone after you got beat...as the caretaker would said "It's un-American".

I hope Flozell gets fined and suspended for that and the Cowboys fans who defends Flozell Adams can go and fuck themselves!

No, still no lead on Chris Beer's whereabouts, but I did had a confrontation with his "mini-me" yesterday. I was at the store loitering when I saw a midget trying to reach for a box of cereal. I took a cereal from the shelf and gave it to him, he was ready to thank me when he saw my face and then...

"You!"

Then I recognized that face...

"Wait a minute...you're Chris Beer...only shorter!"

"You have been trying to put my birth parent behind bars long enough, now it's ti-" before he got interrupted

Everyone heard what he said and start laughing

"Birth parent?!"

"Bwahahahahaha!"

"Is he that pregnant man from the newspaper?"

Mini-me fumed and starts screaming "Stop making fun of my master!"

Then I said "So you're his mistress?"

Everyone broke out in laughter even that joke wasn't that funny, but he's a midget so...yeah. Then that midget tries to attack me but I Scott Norwood him across the store and almost to the glass...only to swerve wide right to a stack of canned goods near the entrance. Honestly who puts a stack of canned goods close to the entrance? Seriously!

The midget got up and starts charging at me again screaming "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Then a janitor came and mopped him up, we waited until the police arrived and that's the end of that. Afterward I start taking a walk outside before coming upon a cigarette company building, out of curiosity I took a peek inside. What I just saw inside will make me hate cigarettes more than ever as you'll know why.

Here's what I overheard:

"So is plan G ready?"

"Yes, once we successfully fire our cigar-scud at the public schools, the kids will become addicted to our cancer-producing products although what doesn't cause cancer nowadays?"

Everyone starts laughing

"So Adrian whatshisname..."

"It's Wojnarowski! Get it right!"

"Sorry but how about that scathing article you wrote about Michael Jordan? Now many people have turned against him for something he didn't mean"

"Yeah, I'm sick of how he keeps overshadowing my beloved Kobe Bryant so i decide to slander him and so far it worked!"

Hearing this, I start seething with rage.

"Once plan G is done, plan E will be next in which you will write an article criticizing the anti-smoking campaign to further our cause"

"Indeed I will"

"Now get going before everyone in America will notice that you've been missing"

Then Adrian whatshisname left

"I knew it!" I said to myself

Just to let you know, Michael Jordan's HOF speech isn't insulting, he was stating how he used those situations as a way to motivate himself to get through the obstacles. Only one he did dissed was Krause but he deserved it for what he did to the Bulls, ever notice how they stunk immediately after winning in 1998? Decline is one thing but what the fuck was that? Even Frank Cashen wasn't that bad, at least the Mets were competitive for sometime after winning the title in 1986. It'll take a long time to explain through all those details of the fall of the Chicago Bulls so...yeah.

I was ready to follow Adrian whatshisname's car when I notice a window was opened. I quickly hid behind the bushes.

"That's a cute puppy there"

"It's a welsh corgi"

"How well can you throw?"

"Well enough"

Then someone threw a dog out the window and a gunshot is heard, the dog blew up into hundreds of meat chunks. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, they killed a dog...

"Here's my last one"

"What is that? A cross-breed with a fox?"

"No, it's a Japanese Akita, it'll grow huge one day if we give it a chance"

"That explains those red furs, too bad we won't give it a chance"

Then they chuckled

As one was ready to toss a dog into the air, I crept closer and closer until...

A dog was thrown into the air

"It's away!" the nutcase shouts

I quickly jumped and caught the dog before his partner open fire.

"What the hell are you doing? More importantly how the hell did you get pass our security?"

"The back door" I joked

"Guards! Don't let him escape!"

A dozen men came and surround me, I took out a gun and point it at them. They all backed off, some security they have there. A kid was passing by and I stopped him saying "Here you go" handing him a dog.

"Thanks mister! Mom is lonely"" he said before running off

Then I decided to have some fun, I put my gun back and said "Truth is there's no ammo, can't believe you idiots fell for it!"

They call came running toward me, with my martial arts skills I was able to subdue them.

Then the executive from the cigarette company starts screaming at me as I was walking away "You won't get away with this! One day you will regret this!"

"Sure, what are the odds of that?" I said

Later that evening as I was on my way back to the hotel, several people on motorcycles starts circling around me, all wearing San Diego Charger jerseys. Since when does New Zealand knows about American football?

Eventually they stopped and one of them said "We are the new generations of Charger fans, we have know about your exploits as your reputation have preceded you...Giants fan"

"Want do you want?" I said

"We were vacationing when we got a word of what you did several hours ago, you are to surrender to us and maybe we'll let you off with a light sentence for murdering one of our own in Hong Kong"

"If I refuse?"

"Then you will face the consequence, think about it"

Then they drove away.

I came upon a village just few miles from Auckland, deciding to take a look I went in. For some reason the place looked deserted, a tumbleweed rolls by. I knew something's up, seriously why would the place look deserted? I really hope it's not the village from Wicker Man. After wandering around the village for a bit, I start calling out for someone.

"Hello?"

No answer...

"HELLOOOOOOO!"

Then suddenly someone bolt out of a house and quickly dragged me back in.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

"What's going on?"

Then there's awkward silence

"A mime"

"What?"

"Our village have been terrorized by a mime for years, many of our bravest had tried to stop him but they all failed, we suffered under his reign since then"

Then I shuddered, a super-evil mime.

"Where does he live?" I said

"Are you crazy? Don't tell me you're going to fight him"

"I just want to check it out, is he really that bad?"

"Alright you can go, he lives just outside of the village, near the barn"

"Thanks"

As I was about to leave, a notice a photo on top of a drawer.

"Who's that?"

"That's my gran dad, 30 years ago he was a policeman until he went to investigate a disappearance of a little girl, but it turns out to be a setup and he was burned in a wicker man"

My stomach turned

"Was something done?" I asked

"No, they got away with it, I don't know how but they did it"

"Are they still around?"

"No, after that sacrifice failed they killed their leader and broke away"

"Then they didn't get away with it"

"Yes they did, they were never brought to justice!"

"Alright calm down, anyway I'll go and meet that mime"

As I was heading to where the mime resides, I encounter his ninja body guards. I haven't been this weird out since watching an episode of some anime my brother downloaded into the MP3 player, it's about furries. Seeing those ninjas are mimes as well, I decide to have some fun with those two idiots. First I pretend that I'm holding nun-chukus and start attacking them, after disarming them of their pretend weapons, I start smacking them with my pretend weapon until they took out a pretend shuriken and proceeds to start throwing them at me.

I did what Keanu Reeves did at the climax of "The Matrix" by stopping those pretend shurikens, then I took out my pretend gun and twitch my finger as if I'm shooting them. Eventually the ninjas pretends to be dead. Fresh from my powerful victory over the mime's ninja bodyguards, walk triumphantly to the house where that mime lives. Once I went in, I saw him sitting on the ground pretending to play nintendo wii. He saw me and starts shooting me with his pretend gun, but this time I'm not playing along...sort of.

Seeing how his pretend weapons failed to faze me, he tries to hit me with his pretend baseball bat. I start pretending that I'm holding a sword and I sliced off his bat, soon I stabbed him. As I was ready to finish him off, the mime finally broke character yelling "Alright, alright, I'm done! You win!"

He explained how the whole thing started out as a joke and that he didn't think the village idiots would take it seriously. Soon afterwards we parted ways in good terms and I went out to announce that they have been liberated. Yes we celebrated throughout the night until this morning, it's been a long day.

I'll go and get some sleep.

Well...truth is...I baited him, the reason is that I didn't like that idiot for all his anti-American posts he made. Although he may he voicing his opinions, but when you start making up some stupid bullcrap and so on, that's when things gets too serious. Few days ago I was busy spending time in hotel tracking that idiot's location, after finding his phone numbers through illegal methods (hacking), I wrote it down and call him. After impersonating my voice and tricking him to come to Auckland because there's free candy...

Then yesterday he came to a very location I told him where the candy store is at. I came and said "Can't believe you fell for that"

"You mean no candy?" he said

"Yes, now it's time to take you down a notch"

"You bastard!"

But the fight's nothing more than a joke, I practically slapped him around for five minutes before he got tired. Soon he tries to charge right at me but I jumped over him, causing him to miss and crash into a wall.

"I hate you" he cried

"That's for being hateful toward the United States you brat"

Then I proceed to heat-butt him, as he stumbles backward I kicked him to the ground. Then feeling bad I helped up the dazed troll and said "Let this be a lesson, don't come back to NG"

He nods and slowly walks away, hopefully it's the last time we'll see him although he haven't been posting since 2007 so I may have done it for no reason.

Oh well, but he had it coming though.

I went to see what was causing the rumbling noise when I recognized that mysterious figure, it was the villian form a recent D.C. comic series of Green Lantern, Black Hand. He was using that evil ring to summon all those zombies. Seeing this, I fire my kamehameha at him but he jump out of the way although the shockwave from the blast knocked him across the trees. I was ready to finish him off when he begins to fade away yelling "I will return to your world in a year" he yells

I was disappointed because that's the same bastard who used Batman's skull as a stressball, I wanted to kill him!

Then I received a phone call, it's from Poozy.

"Come quick, some comic book villians have sneaked into our world and we caught one of them, he works for some dude called Black Hand" he said

I came to the location where the FBI were stationed and enter the interrogation room.

The captive said "I won't say anything but this, all hail Black Hand"

I was ready to assault him when Coop83 came in and restrained me saying "Don't, he won't talk if you do this, let us handle this"

Then the captive said "You know the syringe attack in China?"

We stopped and listen...

"Black Hand's involved in this too" he chuckled

Then Poozy left the room saying "You guys do what you have to do, I'm not going to watch this"

"Coop, I thought you're in Britain, what are you doing here?" I said

"I heard you went to New Zealand to find Beer, no way I'm going to let you take him on alone"

After discussing methods we should use to torture that monster we caught, I have an idea. Coop disagreed with the method but it's the only way. I took out a Rick James tape and put it in a radio, playing Give It to Me Baby. Then I took out a screwdriver from a toolbox I requested and heat up the point with my lighter. The captive then start looking at me in surprise saying "What are you going to do?"

"Rick James special" I said

Then I start buring him and that nut start screaming, still he refused to talk. Then afterwards Coop start beating him to a pulp. Well, in the end he finally cracked and told us that the Black Hand's planning to return within a year to take over our world once he's finished with the alternate world.

Then I told him it's not going to happen.

"Why?" he said

"That comic story arc will end by then" I said

Then he screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

After it was over, I though about going to China to find that needle maniac but Coop83 talked me out of it. He said that we need to find Chris Beer and stop him before he unleash something more evil than anyone could've imagined, also because I'm also part of the certain chinese people the syringe maniac have been targeting, it would be bad for the mission if I got hit and came back with certain diseases that could be injected.

Anyway I hope they find that fucktard and shoot him, seriously!

One morning I went to a bar to get a drink. When doing so I notice nobody's here but somehow the door's opened. Went I walked in, a poster's peeling off and there's a giant hole right behind it, some cover job. I climb into the hold and as I crawl further, there's a noise in inside. I crawl closer and closer, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Then I heard partying and this:

Get down on it
get down on it

Get down on it
get down on it
come on and
Get down on it
get down on it

Get down on it
get down on it.

How you gonna do it if you
really don't want to dance

By standing on the wall?
Get your back up off the wall
tell me.
How you gonna do it if you
really don't want to dance

By standing on the wall. Get
your back up off the wall

I went in and for some reason nobody noticed, but I join the party and had a great time until I saw a familiar face, Mr. Met.

"Hey Mr. Met, how are you doing?" I said

But it turns out because of the season the Mets are having, the mascot is a wasted drunk.

"Leave me alone for I'l...f-fuc...kin..." then he passed out

Then one of the partygoer saw this and yelled "You bastard, what did you do that for?"

"What the hell are you talking about, he passed out, I didn't do anything!"

"Yes you did, I saw you"

Annoyed at that false accusation, I went to confront him when a bartender came and said "Boys, don't fight, we're here to enjoy the party"

"You're right" the noob said then he turns to me "Sorry"

Then he kissed me in the mouth!

Disturbed, I ran to the nearest waste basket and start vomiting like crazy while yelling "What the hell! My mouth is rotting..."

Anyway, the incident was averted and so no bar fight occurred. Mr. Met was still out cold when the party ends and I'm still traumatized from the kissing...

Just heard something outside, a rumbling noise...I'll go and check outside to see what it is.

After leaving the hotel room to find the portal spammer, I received a phone call from NEVR. He said that he knew someone who once worked for Chris Beer but left for better life as a deep sea diver, he told me where that person might be. Then I head to the harbor where the submarine is at and I was able to sneak past the security to find that diver who may help me find Chris Beer. From NEVR's description, the diver is a woman with red hair, the only female diver in the sub, simple enough.

But while in the lower deck, I heard a scream...

"HELP! HELP!"

I ran to that direction where I heard the voice was coming from and then I head a loud pop. Upon arriving, I realized I was too late, the window on the decompression chamber's covered with blood. I turn and saw someone running away, I gave chase. The murderer then knock the security guard on his way out and in the end I lost him among the crowds. I went and told the security about what happened, but I also have to explain why I snuck into the sub in the first place. After telling them my name, I found out the murdered diver was going to call me once she recovers in the decompression chamber in NEVR's request.

After being released from custody with a clear up from Phantom (replacing Slash who is currently in a Pokemon journey) just this morning, I took a walk to the beach wondering if I'll ever be able to find the monster who killed my only lead when I saw a mallard duck walking by. A duck is an omen a DD member is nearby, I looked around and saw a gunman pointing a gun at me. In split second I jumped out of the way, the coward ran. I recognize that guy, it was that murderer at the sub from the day before, this time I will get him. There I gave chase and was able to keep pursuit until we ended up at the harbor.

I took out my gun and said "You're cornered, just tell me where your boss lives and I'll turn you in"

"I won't, Duck Division forever!" he said before raising his arm in salute

Then he took out a capsule and threw it into the sea, a submarine emerge and he then threw a smoke bomb to the ground. After moving out of the way to get some fresh air, the smoke clears and he disappeared. It looked as if he's going to get away for real this time when I remember the capsule I ordered. I searched in my pocket and found a capsule, soon I threw it on a dock...poof. Once the smoke clears, a Lotus Esprit car Roger Moore used to drive appears.

As I was ready to drive, I turn and saw a kid shocked by what he just saw and dropped his ice cream. I shrugged and proceed to start the car, roll up the windows, locked the doors, and drove into the sea. After the car transforms into a submarine, I start looking for the scum but at that point there's nothing on the radar. After several minutes for searching, I saw something moved and fired a torpedo...turns out it's a giant squid. Soon after moving past the meat chunks, I saw several blips on the radar, they're right behind me.

Knowing this, I pressed on of the buttons to drop a underwater mine and activate it, destroying couple of enemy vessels in the process. Soon afterwards I steer around to take the remaining vessels head on, I fired torpedoes and took out two more, leaving one more. I tried to fire another torpedo but turns out I'm out of ammo. With that I decide to fire a laser, although I'll risk draining power from the car in the process but I have no time. I fire the laser beam and the vessel was sliced into two.

As I continue my pursuit of the murderer, I came upon a small private island. After shoring up I got out of the car and hid behind the bushes because there were several guards in the island. After quietly taking out most of the guards, I made my way into the house and found the murderer playing a simulation of the Uyghur terrorist group attacking a village in Guangdong.

"You know that's not going to happen" I said

"I can still dream, my people can dream" he said

"Your people? Many have terrible reputation in China because of scums like you, also to make it worse you killed that woman yesterday, do you think you can get away with that?"

"I can try..." then he took out a gun and I jump out of the way

After hiding behind a wall, I took out a gun and start firing away, but the bullets have been deflected by a shield attached to his machine gun.

"You know I was going to save this weapon until it gets to Xinjiang, but you just have to poke your nose into our business didn't you?" he yelled as he fires at me wildly but I got out of the way just in time

"Is this what it's all about? DD hired you to kill that woman so she won't talk, then in return they'll find your terrorist group to attack the Han chinese? I won't let that happen!"

I then ran right behind a bust of Sun Yet-Sen

"You Han infidel! Do you know your so-called father of the country is a pathetic leader? Same with your people but I'll enjoy killing you first"

Hearing this I was ready to jump out of the safe zone but thought better of it and place a device on the bust. After quietly stepping away while he wasn't looking, I made a wolf whistle to activate the device.

"What the..."

Then the device blows up and the bust of Sun Yet-Sen falls on the terrorist, crushing him to death.

"Yippie-ki-yay motherfucker"

Then suddenly one of the remaining guards burst in and was about to shoot me when gunshots were heard, the guard keels over on a pool of blood. The F.B.I. agents then burst in to raid the house but then they stopped to see the carnage.

One of them said "What the hell just happened?"

Another one of them recognized me and said "What the hell are you doing here? I told you stay out of this!"

"Hey, Poozy"

Well, were still far from making progress since the only other lead aside from that diver is also gone as well...

"First you broke into dizmiz's home, wreck a motel room, and now this! This is why I told you to stay out of this, especially since your failed investigation regarding voting enhancing drugs in Hong Kong!"

"Wait a minute, the reason why I broke into dizmiz's house is because he's going to unleash something evil into the portal, have you played FUI3? It's impossible, it takes you several hours to kill a fed while in steroid mode"

"Then explain the incident after that"

"Lamp monster, it tried to kill me and I have to destroy that thing"

"You need to stop watching Family Guy"

"You should have been there, it actually happened!"

After it was over, I went back to my car and drove into the sea on my way back to Auckland. But then I encounter something surprising...pirates!

For whatever reason they have, the pirates starts firing at me and so I push the button to activate the floatation device. Once it's done the car/sub became a boat, then I activate the solar panel to absorb some energy in order to make up the one I'll be using to fight the pirates. I then fire the laser at their ship and it was sliced into four quarters. Some time later I made my way to the beach where I drove up from the sea onto the beach in front of many people after turning it back into a car, must have freaked out a lot of people.

After driving past the stunned onlookers, I drove to the store to buy some things since I can't live off room service as they cost more money than anything else. An hour afterwards, as I start heading to my car while holding bags of groceries, there were punks trying to break in. I tried to stop them but it was too late, one of them swung an axe at the car and it blew up...

I took out my car keys and threw them away before proceeding to walk my way back to the hotel. The punks had it coming though...

Recently I have this strange dream where I was strolling near the coast when suddenly everything darkened. There I heard a strange voice...

"Finally after over 50 years, the world is mine for the taking"

I turned and to my surprise, it's Tojo the war criminal (The japanese imperial army are one of the biggest disgraces of mankinf if not all time)

Not knowing what happened, I knew I have to stop this monster so I immediately jump into action to stop this madness.

"Tojo, you reign of terror is over, I will stop you no matter what it takes!" I yelled

"Very well then, if you beat me in a children's card game that is"

Then I remembered because he's japanese, he can play card games well...also I didn't have my deck

"You don't have a deck, it's over!" he said

Then a pigeon flew by and dropped a stack of cards in front of me

"Okay, this is getting ridiculous, gotta be a dream" I said

Then the duel disk appear on my arm

"I really need to stop watching 'Scrubs'"

Then the duel starts

Tojo's LP: 8,000

Mine: 8,000

Tojo starts by placing a card face down with "Louise" up on attack mode. I responded by playing "Beaver Warrior" and was about to equip it with "Horn of the Unicorn". But then that bastard activates a trap card, "Hunting Horn of Death". He sacrifices "Louise" and nuke the beaver.

"Baka, never attack me without planning!" he laughed

Then he plays a magic card "Kamikaze Pilot" and attacked my life points directly

LP: 6,000

"Fuck!" I yelled

Then he summons "Illusionist No Face" and attacked directly

LP: 4,800

I drew a trap card "Holy Barrier-Mirror Force"(Yes my deck have some japanese cards as well, thank certain sites for the translation), knowing it may turn this duel around I place it face down and place "Baby Dragon" in defensive position.

"Let me guess, a trap card?" he sneered

"What about it?" I yelled

He show me his "Android Psychoshocker"

To my horror, I know that my trap card will be useless since this card prevents the player from activating it. He would eventually sacrifice his faceless monster card and summon the original version of "Jinzo". Soon that android obliterated the dragon with his red lazor...

"Your move" he said after placing a card face down

I drew a card and to my luck it's "Cyber Pod", I place it face down in defensive position and left it at that.

What are you waiting for? Just attack, your Psychoshocker will get nuked once you do so...

Then it happened...

"I activate 'Gorgon's Eye'!"

My cyber pod's was flipped and it's effect was then canceled. To make it worse, that bastard then summons "Abyss Soldier" and destroyed "Cyber Pod", afterwards the android attacked directly.

LP: 1,950

"Your move baka" he sneered

Soon I started to panic, no matter what I do I kept on getting vicked...if it goe on like this I'll lose the duel! To make it worse, the world will be doomed as well...

Then I closed my eyes to concentrate and I saw a deck, as I reach for it the deck became further away...I realize I'm running away from it! Then I remember Super Bowl 42 when the Giants refused to give up...I got it!

I calm down and drew out a card, I place it face down without looking. Tojo looked at me in dull surprise, couldn't blame him though, who would place a card face down without looking? But I'll take my chance on this play!

Then I placed "Giant Soldier of Stone" in attack mode and equipped it with "Horn of Unicorn", his attack power went up to 2,000 and zapped "Abyss Soldier"

Tojo's LP: 7,800

"Small loss" he said as he summons "Melee Warrior Ultimator" in attack mode and have his android destroy my remaining monster on the field. Then he follows it up with a direct attack from his other monster.

LP: 850

"Give up and I'll make it quick" he said

I ignored him and drew "Goblin Attack Force", I summoned them and have them attack the roided freak.

Tojo's LP: 6,200

"So you have finally start dealing some damage, too bad it's too late, it's over" he laughs

He then summons "Swift-Attacking Bloodsucking Leech" and attacks the goblins.

"It's over" he said

Then "Android Psychoshocker" attacks my lifepoints directly, quickly I decide to see if my gamble pays off so I activate my face down card.

"Brett Favre's Stubborn Return"

Since when did I have this card? Only 39 of those magic cards were made and the effects are powerful.

Once the smoke clears, Tojo was shocked

"Your life points...it can't be..."

I look at my duel disk and saw my life point isn't zero

LP: 1

That's the work of that quick play magic card, as long this card is on the field the user's LP won't go lower than 1. Also it cannot be destroyed by another magic, trap, or the monster's effect. But after the this card is activated, it can only remain on the field for 4 more turns so I have to win this duel somehow.

I drew out a card and to my amazement, it's my strongest card in the deck "Talwar Demon", ironically it's also one of the 20% in my deck that were japanese. I summoned "Neo the Magic Swordsman" and slayed the leech.

Tojo's LP: 5,000

He placed his another "Louise" in defense mode and plays his magic card "Hand Obliteration"

Seeing I wouldn't have been able to summon my best monster, I wasn't that disappointed after we both discard our hands. Then the new cards I drew out justified it, I have a magic card that can help turn this around. After my swordsman got zapped, I played "Monster Reborn" to summon "Talwar Demon".

"No...it can't be...where did you get that card? It's one of the rarest demon-type cards behind 'Demon's Summoned'!"

It's a good thing my brother's a huge collector, that card was a promotional giveaway inside the tin when he bought that japanese booster pack tin at Elmhurst back in 2003 although it's probably wasn't what he had in mind as he's likely trying to buy the english cards.

"It's called commercialism, deal with it!" I said

Then I equipped "Talwar Demon" with "Black Pendant" and attack "Android Psychoshocker", finally my trap card's been freed.

Tojo's LP: 4,500

Tojo place a card face down and summons "Minotaurus" in defense mode before ending his turn. Just 3 turns left for Brett Favre. I drew out a trap card "Chain-Equipped Boomerang" and placed it face down before summoning "Red-shirted Monster" in attack mode. I attacked with "Talwar Demon" but Tojo activate "Attack Nullification" and my turn ends.

Then with a grin on his face, japanese Hitler plays "Zera Ritual", sacrifices "Minotaurus" and a random card in his hand where the then summons "Zera".

"No biggie" I said knowing "Zera" is still slightly weaker than my equipped "Talwar Demon" when Tojo said "You'll regret those words" as he equip it with "Sword of Dark Destruction", his attack power is now 3,200!

As "Zera" was ready to attack, I activate "Chain-Equipped Boomerang" and use it to boost my Talwar Demon's attack power by 5pp so it's now 3,400. Zera's bites the dust...

"Another one bites the dust!" I sang

Tojo's LP: 4,300

2 turns left

I sacrifice the red-shirt to summon "Millennium Shield" and plays "Shield & Sword"

Afterward both of my monsters attack the genocidal maniac directly and it's finally over!

My LP: 1

Tojo's LP: 0

Then suddenly the smoke enveloped Tojo who was screaming and was sounded like he's being pulled down by the characters from "Ghost", I woke up and said "What a weird dream".

I heard someone knocking the door and it's the dude from room service. After signing my name, I receive the package and went back to sleep. Yes I ordered a capsule from "Capsule Corp.", I'm at the coastal area so I may need some help.

Had bit of a setback here, I was trying to find where Chris Beer lives when I came upon a town that looks deserted. I went through the gate hoping to find someone and ask for a direction back to Auckland to rest for a bit. But then I realize there's no one here, with that I decide to explore the town to see what went on. After walking around for several minutes, I finally found someone at the gas station so I walk up to him.

"Excuse me, I got lost and I need some directions to Auckland"

The dude just looked at me blankly

"I said I need directions to Auckland, it's okay if you don't know where it is"

"Brains..."

"Huh?"

He start walking toward me saying "Brains...brains...brains..."

"Dude. not funny that joke's getting old"

Then suddenly he bares his sharp teeth, that's when I realized he's not joking.

"Zombie!"

I backed off and nearly tripped on a shovel on the ground. I picked up that shovel and start beating the zombie to a pulp. Knowing the town is overrun by zombies, I decided that it'd a spreading epidemic so with that, I ran to the abandoned pharmacy to camp out for the night. I have to stay alert so I stayed awake for the entire night armed with a shovel. That morning I took some caffeine pills from the shelf before heading out to fight some zombies.

Before I knew it, there were dozens of zombies and they all saw me.

"Oh crud"

"Brains..."

"Brain..."

"Liver..."

Outnumbered, I ran for cover and found a old shack right at the corner. I peered inside and nobody's here, there were hand grenades, firecrackers, and a frying pan stashed inside the shack.

One of the zombies came toward me saying "Brains..."

I quickly threw a shovel at him but missed, as he came closer I took a frying pan and smacked him in the face, knocking it out. As another zombie whom I recognized as "colm" (look him up on user post history) starts walking toward me, I said "Hey colm, ever heard a song by Elton John called 'Rocket Man'?"

"I hate american...I hate american..." colm chants

"I guess that's a no, Elton John's british and one more thing..." I said as I took out one of the firecrackers and aimed it right at colm

"It's too bad because you are the Rocket Man!" I continued before using my cigarette lighter to set off a firecracker

The rocket takes off and hits colm, blowing him to pieces.

"Way to get fired up!" I said before stocking up on those hand grenades

Moments later I ran from building to building to make sure the coast is clear, then I ran to the abandoned gun store and was greeted by surprise.

"Brains..."

I jumped out of the way and threw a grenade into the store. The building was then engulfed by a ginormous explosion.

"Well...guess I blew it" I said knowing I cannot shoot the zombies with all the guns destroyed

I head to the sporting goods store and found a stash of golf clubs, but unfortunately many zombies were shopping there as well. I start throwing grenades at them and took out bunch of them, then I grab a golf club, place a golf ball right in front...

"Fore!"

Then I swung and lines the ball at a group of zombies lined up, the ball went through all of them.

"Now that's what I call 12 holes in one"

Then I heard some of the surviving zombies groan

"C'mon, it's funny!"

After fighting my way to the entrance, a group of zombies are closing in and I order a soda from a vending machine. I pick up the soda can and shook it violently until the can starts to shake uncontrollably then I threw it at the zombies. The can blows up and soda sprayed all over the place, some even hits the zombies in the eyes. Then they start screaming in pain due to the acid in the eyes which you know stings.

I then found out I have one hand grenade left

"I have to be very careful" I said

Then while walking past the electronic stores and on stacks of televisions there's a breaking news.

"Breaking news today, be on a lookout for a terrorist terrorizing the town. He have killed dozens of people so far and is said to be armed and dangerous. No description is made as of now but beware of his unfunny one-liners"

"Oh great, first the place is overrun by zombies now there's a terrorist running around, I'll have to stop that bastard somehow" I said to myself

Seeing it's getting dark, I went to camp out in a abandoned motel for the night. As before I have to stay awake for the entire night, but figuring that I won't be sleeping anyway, what's the point? So I went to the trash can to pick up a raggedy jacket, but dirt on my face, and start acting like a zombie so they won't go after me. I acted my way to the grocery store where I drank a can of Red Bull, the owner of the store made angry sounds and I bashed a soup can over his head, knocking him out. For zombies, they're pretty vulnerable.

After finishing few more cans, I broke into a car and hot-wired it so I can try to drive my way out of here. But when doing so, I accidently shift the gear to reverse (I'm not used to using my left hand to do this) and backed over couple of zombies in the street. Then I shift it to drive and drove off for few miles until it ran out of gas, annoyed by this I knew I'll have to walk. Journeying for several hours, I came upon a hardware store. After looking inside, no one's here so I took shelter in the building just to catch my breath before I can start moving on.

But then someone enter the building...

"Brains..."

I grabbed a nail gun and starts firing nails at the zombie, it struck target.

"Nail'em!" I said

Soon more came in, I fired several rounds of nails and they all got pinned to the wall.

"If you guys weren't so ugly, you would made great pinup models" I said before leaving through the emergency exit

I knew I have to be careful, remember there's a terrorist out there and from what I heard, he's really dangerous and made bad puns no one would laugh at.

"I could use some sleep" I yawned

Seriously it's been two days at this point, I have to get some sleep soon for I'll go insane...more so than at this point. I made my way to the band and found a giant safe, I climb into the vault and lock the door after changing the combination of the lock itself so no one will try to open the vault. I have no idea how long I have been asleep because I didn't have my watch as I left it at the hotel in Auckland, but I woke up from a nightmare that Al Davis becomes the president of the United States and instigated a war with another planet for no logical reason.

Knowing I have to get going, using the combination I was able to open the door and turns out on one's around, the bank's still closed. I slowly made my way out of the bank while the sky was still dark blue. I found another vehicle so I came and made sure nobody's inside, as my lucky would have it, it's vacant. After breaking in the alarm sounds, a zombie starts running toward me, I shot him with a nail gun and proceeds to hotwire the vehicle. After driving for another few miles, I turn on the radio and I realized I slept in the vault for two days, that kinda explains why I felt that way...

Good thing I went to the restroom in the bank before leaving.

Soon afterwards I drove to the edge of the town where there are fence with barbed wires. I got out of the car and soon group of military men came and point their guns at me. Having no idea what was going on, I figured that they're here to fight off the zombies so I raised my hands and said "Okay, I'm not one of them"

Then one of them yelled at me in surprise "What the hell are you doing here? This area is designated for zombies!"

"What?"

"Come with us, we'll explain what happened"

After being held in custody where I was tested negative for diseases, I learn that I actually trespassed into a town called "Zombietown". So there's no epidemic...and that also means for all this time I have been attacking the zombies for nothing. After returning to a hotel in Auckland, I turn on a television and there's a breaking news in Zombietown, the terrorist have been identified...there's a description and he looked just like me. Now that's really creepy, but seeing there's many people in this planet, there's bound to be some bearing similar resemblance.